janana
09-12-2016, 05:45 AM
So, I'm pretty new here, but kind of amazed to find there actually is a name for what has plagued me my whole life.
I am wondering if my attitude towards work and school has to with this as well.
The deal is:
1- I'd like to be the best, top performer
2- I am super afraid of failing
3- I can't get myself to start because I think I won't do good enough
4- I finally get myself to start and realize how well I could have done if I started earlier
5-I settle with the result because "given the cirumstancesm it's quite ok" but am not really content or happy with them.
I also think it didn't help my parents' idea of motivation was "you could do better", no matter how good I did in whatever aspect.
Also- and this is not exclusively performance-related- I have a horrible 'program' in my head at any given time.
It basically analyzes what's going on right now and tells me what could be better and why I shouldn't be content right now.
It's horrible because even at really good times (nice dinner with friends, birthday parties, just cycling in nature, reading a good book) it will always tell me "there's something that could be better. Something's not perfect. Not the way you imagined it to be."
I hardly ever truly feel happy because of that.I compare myself to the most successful people in the world - politicians, pop stars and the like. I can only lose doing this. But also, I can't stop it.
Social media is the worst because I do want to check it in order to not miss out on anything, but then get all these impulses and thoughts:
"Oh, they went boating. I need to go boating. WHY did I not do it before this summer?! WHY did I not think of it?"
"Oh, he has friends over. I never have friends over. I should plan a dinner party. Why do I not have enough friends who want to come over?"
I am wondering if my attitude towards work and school has to with this as well.
The deal is:
1- I'd like to be the best, top performer
2- I am super afraid of failing
3- I can't get myself to start because I think I won't do good enough
4- I finally get myself to start and realize how well I could have done if I started earlier
5-I settle with the result because "given the cirumstancesm it's quite ok" but am not really content or happy with them.
I also think it didn't help my parents' idea of motivation was "you could do better", no matter how good I did in whatever aspect.
Also- and this is not exclusively performance-related- I have a horrible 'program' in my head at any given time.
It basically analyzes what's going on right now and tells me what could be better and why I shouldn't be content right now.
It's horrible because even at really good times (nice dinner with friends, birthday parties, just cycling in nature, reading a good book) it will always tell me "there's something that could be better. Something's not perfect. Not the way you imagined it to be."
I hardly ever truly feel happy because of that.I compare myself to the most successful people in the world - politicians, pop stars and the like. I can only lose doing this. But also, I can't stop it.
Social media is the worst because I do want to check it in order to not miss out on anything, but then get all these impulses and thoughts:
"Oh, they went boating. I need to go boating. WHY did I not do it before this summer?! WHY did I not think of it?"
"Oh, he has friends over. I never have friends over. I should plan a dinner party. Why do I not have enough friends who want to come over?"