totoro
07-21-2016, 10:13 AM
Hi all. I'm new to this forum.
I just turned 20, and for as long as I can remember I've always worried excessively about everything. This greatly escalated when I was 10 and my mom died of cancer. When I turned 16 however is when it all went downhill so fast, I developed terrible terrible health anxiety and I would be 100% convinced that I am dying all. The. Time. It is so beyond exhausting to live and go to school and uni and work and all when in my head I am living my last days. The "episodes" of health anxiety would come and go, some lasting a few days and the longest one yet lasting 10 months. 10 months of utter fear of death while being so sure that I was dying. I am now in the midst of another episode, thinking I have pancreatic cancer, which I know sounds silly considering my age but I can't escape my mind. It's a living hell. I'm so so obsessive with my weight and my sleep and appetite and what I eat and how I look and how I feel and literally every tiny change I can link to a fatal illness and I'M SO TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY. When I'm not obsessing over my health I still worry terribly over other things. I'm a very paranoid person and believe strangers are stalking me and plan to hurt me or kill me, I believe there are cameras in my room, I'm deathly afraid of terrorist attacks, I even began to doubt my friends and family and have been isolating myself more and more. I also have social anxiety and every interaction with people makes me hate myself. I'm just so tired after being this way for so long, I truly can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy.
and so lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. I don't know whether or not I could actually do it but just the thought of it gives me some peace. I'm so very afraid of death but what scares me even more is dying and being able to do nothing about it. I cannot deal with the humiliation and the pity and the dependence and knowing every moment could be my last, I've seen my mother live through all that and I know I just can't do it. I cannot stand the idea of seeing everyone I know going on with their happy healthy lives while I rot on my deathbed. The lack of control terrifies me beyond words. And that is why suicide comforts me. Basically I can't stand the thought of anything killing me but myself.
I really would like to go to counselling and get professional help but I can barely afford my tuition fees and living expenses. No counselling service is free where I live.
Anyone has been through this? I'm not necessarily asking for advice or help, I just don't want to feel so alone anymore. I want to know if you can relate and if you've been through this, and if anything has helped. I want to hear your story too. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I just turned 20, and for as long as I can remember I've always worried excessively about everything. This greatly escalated when I was 10 and my mom died of cancer. When I turned 16 however is when it all went downhill so fast, I developed terrible terrible health anxiety and I would be 100% convinced that I am dying all. The. Time. It is so beyond exhausting to live and go to school and uni and work and all when in my head I am living my last days. The "episodes" of health anxiety would come and go, some lasting a few days and the longest one yet lasting 10 months. 10 months of utter fear of death while being so sure that I was dying. I am now in the midst of another episode, thinking I have pancreatic cancer, which I know sounds silly considering my age but I can't escape my mind. It's a living hell. I'm so so obsessive with my weight and my sleep and appetite and what I eat and how I look and how I feel and literally every tiny change I can link to a fatal illness and I'M SO TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY. When I'm not obsessing over my health I still worry terribly over other things. I'm a very paranoid person and believe strangers are stalking me and plan to hurt me or kill me, I believe there are cameras in my room, I'm deathly afraid of terrorist attacks, I even began to doubt my friends and family and have been isolating myself more and more. I also have social anxiety and every interaction with people makes me hate myself. I'm just so tired after being this way for so long, I truly can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy.
and so lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. I don't know whether or not I could actually do it but just the thought of it gives me some peace. I'm so very afraid of death but what scares me even more is dying and being able to do nothing about it. I cannot deal with the humiliation and the pity and the dependence and knowing every moment could be my last, I've seen my mother live through all that and I know I just can't do it. I cannot stand the idea of seeing everyone I know going on with their happy healthy lives while I rot on my deathbed. The lack of control terrifies me beyond words. And that is why suicide comforts me. Basically I can't stand the thought of anything killing me but myself.
I really would like to go to counselling and get professional help but I can barely afford my tuition fees and living expenses. No counselling service is free where I live.
Anyone has been through this? I'm not necessarily asking for advice or help, I just don't want to feel so alone anymore. I want to know if you can relate and if you've been through this, and if anything has helped. I want to hear your story too. Thank you for taking the time to read this.