Severe anxiety, especially health anxiety making me suicidal

[totoro]

Hi all. I'm new to this forum.
I just turned 20, and for as long as I can remember I've always worried excessively about everything. This greatly escalated when I was 10 and my mom died of cancer. When I turned 16 however is when it all went downhill so fast, I developed terrible terrible health anxiety and I would be 100% convinced that I am dying all. The. Time. It is so beyond exhausting to live and go to school and uni and work and all when in my head I am living my last days. The "episodes" of health anxiety would come and go, some lasting a few days and the longest one yet lasting 10 months. 10 months of utter fear of death while being so sure that I was dying. I am now in the midst of another episode, thinking I have pancreatic cancer, which I know sounds silly considering my age but I can't escape my mind. It's a living hell. I'm so so obsessive with my weight and my sleep and appetite and what I eat and how I look and how I feel and literally every tiny change I can link to a fatal illness and I'M SO TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY. When I'm not obsessing over my health I still worry terribly over other things. I'm a very paranoid person and believe strangers are stalking me and plan to hurt me or kill me, I believe there are cameras in my room, I'm deathly afraid of terrorist attacks, I even began to doubt my friends and family and have been isolating myself more and more. I also have social anxiety and every interaction with people makes me hate myself. I'm just so tired after being this way for so long, I truly can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy.

and so lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. I don't know whether or not I could actually do it but just the thought of it gives me some peace. I'm so very afraid of death but what scares me even more is dying and being able to do nothing about it. I cannot deal with the humiliation and the pity and the dependence and knowing every moment could be my last, I've seen my mother live through all that and I know I just can't do it. I cannot stand the idea of seeing everyone I know going on with their happy healthy lives while I rot on my deathbed. The lack of control terrifies me beyond words. And that is why suicide comforts me. Basically I can't stand the thought of anything killing me but myself.

I really would like to go to counselling and get professional help but I can barely afford my tuition fees and living expenses. No counselling service is free where I live.

Anyone has been through this? I'm not necessarily asking for advice or help, I just don't want to feel so alone anymore. I want to know if you can relate and if you've been through this, and if anything has helped. I want to hear your story too. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[JohnC]

Hi all. I'm new to this forum.
I just turned 20, and for as long as I can remember I've always worried excessively about everything. This greatly escalated when I was 10 and my mom died of cancer. When I turned 16 however is when it all went downhill so fast, I developed terrible terrible health anxiety and I would be 100% convinced that I am dying all. The. Time. It is so beyond exhausting to live and go to school and uni and work and all when in my head I am living my last days. The "episodes" of health anxiety would come and go, some lasting a few days and the longest one yet lasting 10 months. 10 months of utter fear of death while being so sure that I was dying. I am now in the midst of another episode, thinking I have pancreatic cancer, which I know sounds silly considering my age but I can't escape my mind. It's a living hell. I'm so so obsessive with my weight and my sleep and appetite and what I eat and how I look and how I feel and literally every tiny change I can link to a fatal illness and I'M SO TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY. When I'm not obsessing over my health I still worry terribly over other things. I'm a very paranoid person and believe strangers are stalking me and plan to hurt me or kill me, I believe there are cameras in my room, I'm deathly afraid of terrorist attacks, I even began to doubt my friends and family and have been isolating myself more and more. I also have social anxiety and every interaction with people makes me hate myself. I'm just so tired after being this way for so long, I truly can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy.

and so lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. I don't know whether or not I could actually do it but just the thought of it gives me some peace. I'm so very afraid of death but what scares me even more is dying and being able to do nothing about it. I cannot deal with the humiliation and the pity and the dependence and knowing every moment could be my last, I've seen my mother live through all that and I know I just can't do it. I cannot stand the idea of seeing everyone I know going on with their happy healthy lives while I rot on my deathbed. The lack of control terrifies me beyond words. And that is why suicide comforts me. Basically I can't stand the thought of anything killing me but myself.

I really would like to go to counselling and get professional help but I can barely afford my tuition fees and living expenses. No counselling service is free where I live.

Anyone has been through this? I'm not necessarily asking for advice or help, I just don't want to feel so alone anymore. I want to know if you can relate and if you've been through this, and if anything has helped. I want to hear your story too. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I am sorry to here about your mother and I think that would be enough to trigger happy health anxiety. I have lived with health anxiety for most of my life and I have good months and bad months but I get through them. If I may suggest, go to the stickies and go to the one called health anxiety exposed. Start to finish its a good one. Forgot , welcome to the forum

[Anne1221]

You don't have to have money to get professional help. My sister got help at a clinic and she and her husband have NO money. I urge you to get professional help if you believe strangers are stalking you and planning to hurt or kill you. Take care, Anne.

[Kirk]

Welcome to the forum. Seeing your mother pass away is very terrible. I am older now at 59 and have had health anxiety off and on since I was 25 or so.
I remember in a years time from 2012 to 2013, my mother, than father and then uncle all passed away. It was not a good period of time at all. The other day
I was talking to someone about my father when I was a little boy. It was so long ago. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.

[gypsylee]

Hi and welcome :)

Sorry to hear you are going through this. The paranoia you're experiencing sounds pretty severe :(

My brother died suddenly (drug overdose) in 2014 and it's made me "paranoid" not about my own health but about my daughter - that somehow his death means she is more likely to die.. Like I'm cursed or doomed somehow. So I can sort of relate.

Anyway, I hope you find some help here. It's always helpful to get stuff out of our heads!

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[NixonRulz]

Suicide is just passing your problems on to someone else once you go through with it

Suicide is never the answer to any problem. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time to come to an answer. Don't be impatient and expect the answer too quickly. There are reasons we go down the path we are on. You will get past this. Life happens sometimes in a way we do not like. Take a step back and realize all the good you can do based on your experiences.

[PracticalGrit617]

Hello Totoro,
Please don't be deceived. Suicide is never the answer. I've been in a very similar situation to yours, and I've tried to end my life. When life seems overwhelming, I encourage you, from the bottom of my heart, to find the healing amidst the tragedy. Look how many people, from multiple nations, have been brought together, how love has triumphed even amidst the deep sorrow. There is evil in this world, but don't give in to fear by thinking death is a solution. Fear thrives on isolation and it births paranoia, mistrust, contempt and hatred. You are worthy of a life without fear and your solution is simple: walk in love. Embrace the company of those around you and tell the one's you trust most about what you're going through. Sometimes, we may need new friends, the type who build us up, not tear us down. What do you like to do in your spare time? Schools usually have a variety of organizations. Seek out people who share your passions or be bold and courageous and start a group that tackles the problems you see in the world :)

[Kirk]

As others have said, suicide is not the answer.