dreamstate042
07-20-2016, 12:46 PM
Hello, this is my first time posting on this very informational forum in hopes to be apart of a community that will understand my anxiety and give me some advice. Dealing with anxiety has been something I've been handling since I was a teenager. In the past 4 years my anxiety has been at its peak, making it hard at times to calm myself down or see situations in an appropriate perspective. After doing some research, I believe I suffer from social anxiety.
I was a waitress for years and very good at it. I always connected with my guests and really cared about giving them the best experience I could. Working hard is never something that phased me, I welcomed it because it made me feel so good at the end of the day. After a couple years, I noticed my anxiety grew worse. I would be terrified to walk up to a table and talk even though there is nothing to be afraid of. I thought about the "what ifs" too often (dealing with angry guests, the kitchen messing up an order). My section for the day/night would reflect my mood. If it was a section I was afraid of handling my fears would stay with me all night. Sometimes it made me question if I could finish a shift or not. Straying away from serving due to my anxieties and also striving to find a job that will lead me somewhere, I had the fortunate opportunity to work in administration and marketing at the restaurant instead of serving. This is where I am today. Although I love it, my anxiety does cause me issues from time to time. Since I handle business money, I constantly worry about messing up and whether I am doing a good job or not. I absolutely dread talking to people on the phone or making phone calls. I used to have confidence in myself and in what I did but that seems to be history now...
Recently, my anxiety has been getting to me so bad that I've been feeling off. Not only have I been feeling completely stupid talking or trying to tell a story/explain a process, I am beginning to feel useless and forgotten. I am very hard on myself and I have acknowledged that. But it's hard to shake off the negative thoughts. Constantly I feel like I am being judged by my coworkers and boss. Sometimes I avoid bringing up work related subjects to my boss because I don't want to speak or get into a confrontation when in reality nothing is wrong for me to be thinking like that. Also, avoiding conversations can cause me trouble since I have to inform the boss of what's going on. Usually the subjects get brought up when I have enough courage. So it's depending on my mood.
I have always been bright despite my condition. I love to smile and make someones day. Sometimes I am too nice, which doesn't sound like it could be a problem, but I have learned in the past few years it's easy for someone to take advantage of my kindness. Then I thought "Am I too nice because I hate confrontation?" There are some situations where you should be able to stand up for yourself or at least have faith in your thoughts to voice your emotions on a subject/situation. This is something I cannot do :/
I am engaged with a man I've known for 8 years now. Love him so much and we are perfect! I have talked to him about some of my issues and he has given me great advice. But I can't help to feel he doesn't understand completely. Of course this is because he's not experiencing it for himself. Anyways, we are loners. We enjoy spending our free time together enjoying each others company. I've never had a big group of friends, just close ones. So going out and hanging with different people is a rarity. I rather it that way but sometimes I feel left out or that no one cares about me because I won't make the time with them to do something. I've had numerous breaks from social media due to the paranoia of people not liking my stuff but liking friends posts. You know, the stuff that doesn't matter lol. It's just one of my insecurities I guess.
Friday night I went out with a few other girls I work with, one of them being my best friend but we had a mini falling out (whole different story) so the past couple years we have grown apart. The whole night I was worried about my appearance, what I was saying in conversations.. I even became paranoid at how I was being perceived by the girls when I talked to a waiter hoping they didn't think I was trying to flirt with him. Just completely bizarre thoughts that kept flooding me. Even after the night, I reflect and think "did I talk to her enough?" "was I annoying at some point in the night?". The girls talked about some of their features while I was quiet feeling self conscious. I go back to pin point everything that could of gone wrong, leaving me feeling a little nuts! lol
One last little fact about this anxiety.. it kicks in whenever I think about my health. In honestly, I am afraid of dying because I don't know what it will feel like. If I get hurt I get very nervous even if it's not serious. So basically I am afraid of pain? But maybe this can be a whole other issue. I'm still trying to figure it out.
I tried to tell as much as my story while keeping it short. Doesn't look like it ended short, huh? :p
Now that you know some of my situations I've been dealing with.. are these some things people with anxiety deal with everyday too? I don't know anyone with anxiety like I have so it's hard to talk to someone and relate. Any advice or tips would be lovely. Medication is not an option I want for myself- I'd rather try to hit this head on. I want to believe I can make myself happy again. Thank you so much for taking time to read about my story.
I was a waitress for years and very good at it. I always connected with my guests and really cared about giving them the best experience I could. Working hard is never something that phased me, I welcomed it because it made me feel so good at the end of the day. After a couple years, I noticed my anxiety grew worse. I would be terrified to walk up to a table and talk even though there is nothing to be afraid of. I thought about the "what ifs" too often (dealing with angry guests, the kitchen messing up an order). My section for the day/night would reflect my mood. If it was a section I was afraid of handling my fears would stay with me all night. Sometimes it made me question if I could finish a shift or not. Straying away from serving due to my anxieties and also striving to find a job that will lead me somewhere, I had the fortunate opportunity to work in administration and marketing at the restaurant instead of serving. This is where I am today. Although I love it, my anxiety does cause me issues from time to time. Since I handle business money, I constantly worry about messing up and whether I am doing a good job or not. I absolutely dread talking to people on the phone or making phone calls. I used to have confidence in myself and in what I did but that seems to be history now...
Recently, my anxiety has been getting to me so bad that I've been feeling off. Not only have I been feeling completely stupid talking or trying to tell a story/explain a process, I am beginning to feel useless and forgotten. I am very hard on myself and I have acknowledged that. But it's hard to shake off the negative thoughts. Constantly I feel like I am being judged by my coworkers and boss. Sometimes I avoid bringing up work related subjects to my boss because I don't want to speak or get into a confrontation when in reality nothing is wrong for me to be thinking like that. Also, avoiding conversations can cause me trouble since I have to inform the boss of what's going on. Usually the subjects get brought up when I have enough courage. So it's depending on my mood.
I have always been bright despite my condition. I love to smile and make someones day. Sometimes I am too nice, which doesn't sound like it could be a problem, but I have learned in the past few years it's easy for someone to take advantage of my kindness. Then I thought "Am I too nice because I hate confrontation?" There are some situations where you should be able to stand up for yourself or at least have faith in your thoughts to voice your emotions on a subject/situation. This is something I cannot do :/
I am engaged with a man I've known for 8 years now. Love him so much and we are perfect! I have talked to him about some of my issues and he has given me great advice. But I can't help to feel he doesn't understand completely. Of course this is because he's not experiencing it for himself. Anyways, we are loners. We enjoy spending our free time together enjoying each others company. I've never had a big group of friends, just close ones. So going out and hanging with different people is a rarity. I rather it that way but sometimes I feel left out or that no one cares about me because I won't make the time with them to do something. I've had numerous breaks from social media due to the paranoia of people not liking my stuff but liking friends posts. You know, the stuff that doesn't matter lol. It's just one of my insecurities I guess.
Friday night I went out with a few other girls I work with, one of them being my best friend but we had a mini falling out (whole different story) so the past couple years we have grown apart. The whole night I was worried about my appearance, what I was saying in conversations.. I even became paranoid at how I was being perceived by the girls when I talked to a waiter hoping they didn't think I was trying to flirt with him. Just completely bizarre thoughts that kept flooding me. Even after the night, I reflect and think "did I talk to her enough?" "was I annoying at some point in the night?". The girls talked about some of their features while I was quiet feeling self conscious. I go back to pin point everything that could of gone wrong, leaving me feeling a little nuts! lol
One last little fact about this anxiety.. it kicks in whenever I think about my health. In honestly, I am afraid of dying because I don't know what it will feel like. If I get hurt I get very nervous even if it's not serious. So basically I am afraid of pain? But maybe this can be a whole other issue. I'm still trying to figure it out.
I tried to tell as much as my story while keeping it short. Doesn't look like it ended short, huh? :p
Now that you know some of my situations I've been dealing with.. are these some things people with anxiety deal with everyday too? I don't know anyone with anxiety like I have so it's hard to talk to someone and relate. Any advice or tips would be lovely. Medication is not an option I want for myself- I'd rather try to hit this head on. I want to believe I can make myself happy again. Thank you so much for taking time to read about my story.