beginagain
07-19-2016, 06:44 AM
Hi. I am new here and very glad to find this forum on anxiety. I wish I had thought of this sooner - it seems I'd always search for support in certain areas of my life (relationships, etc.) that were affected by my anxiety and habits, but never the anxiety itself. So, here I am!
I am 39 years old, divorced mother of 3. So, I guess a cliff notes version of my life: had alcoholic and drug addicted parents, neglected, physically, emotionally, and sexually abused, blah blah blah, etc. Spent time homeless, hungry, living out of a car with a mom who cared more about getting her boyfriend's next fix. Domestic violence, you name it. I don't really discuss this and don't want to dwell on it. Anyway, I made some poor choices myself as a teenager, but always stayed away from drugs and alcohol. I didn't graduate high school (of all things, short gym credits) and had my oldest son when I was 19. Then I got my GED, went to a vocational school, met my ex husband and started to build a career. I had twins, went on to get my bachelors degree and have a great job. The things I can control in my life (career) I am great at. The things I can't (relationship) I consistently fail at.
I chose my husband because he accepted my son and loved me (or so I thought), so I forced the relationship because I believed it was the right thing. And, I thought I had really "broken the cycle" with him because he seemed so loving and wonderful. When the twins (conceived by IVF as he had fertility issues) were 15 months old and nine months after we bought a home, he cheated on me and told me he changed his mind and this wasn't what he wanted after all. I was devastated, but came to the realization that the love I had for him wasn't romantic. (Side note: I realized I had controlling tendencies in the marriage too, and I wasn't perfect. I've worked on this a lot) I went into survival mode and focused on taking care of my children and advancing my career. That was 12 years ago. Nearly 10 years of that time I was in a long term relationship with another person who again, I 'loved' but I did the same thing - he was/is a great person, great with my family, but not someone I ever loved the way I should have. Also, in this relationship, it was clear he loved me so much more which eased the anxiety of making myself vulnerable. We got engaged, but I broke off the engagement at the beginning of 2015.
Last summer, I decided to start dating. I was in a really good place in my life - kids, home, career. I wasn't lonely, but rather happy, and I thought it was finally time to do something for me and find someone to share it with. I went on a few dates, and then last fall met the man who is now my boyfriend. I can honestly, and embarrassingly, say that it feels like this is the first time I've been in a relationship at 39 years old. I love him like I never loved the others, but that sends me into an anxiety spiral. I spend every day analyzing his words, texts, actions, touches - to see if he still wants me, to constantly look for red flags, to see if he has changed his mind too. It is overwhelming and exhausting. I convince myself I should break up with him because of the anxiety, because it would be easier. But, I don't want to spend my life alone and I am determined to not let my past dictate my future. It hasn't in all the other areas, so I think I can do it.
I can be controlling, I over-analyze and over-think everything (sometimes obsessively) and things that I lack control over cause me to panic. I am working with a therapist, but I thought it would be good to find a place to post in the meantime when I am having these worries. If you made it this far, thank you for reading!
I am 39 years old, divorced mother of 3. So, I guess a cliff notes version of my life: had alcoholic and drug addicted parents, neglected, physically, emotionally, and sexually abused, blah blah blah, etc. Spent time homeless, hungry, living out of a car with a mom who cared more about getting her boyfriend's next fix. Domestic violence, you name it. I don't really discuss this and don't want to dwell on it. Anyway, I made some poor choices myself as a teenager, but always stayed away from drugs and alcohol. I didn't graduate high school (of all things, short gym credits) and had my oldest son when I was 19. Then I got my GED, went to a vocational school, met my ex husband and started to build a career. I had twins, went on to get my bachelors degree and have a great job. The things I can control in my life (career) I am great at. The things I can't (relationship) I consistently fail at.
I chose my husband because he accepted my son and loved me (or so I thought), so I forced the relationship because I believed it was the right thing. And, I thought I had really "broken the cycle" with him because he seemed so loving and wonderful. When the twins (conceived by IVF as he had fertility issues) were 15 months old and nine months after we bought a home, he cheated on me and told me he changed his mind and this wasn't what he wanted after all. I was devastated, but came to the realization that the love I had for him wasn't romantic. (Side note: I realized I had controlling tendencies in the marriage too, and I wasn't perfect. I've worked on this a lot) I went into survival mode and focused on taking care of my children and advancing my career. That was 12 years ago. Nearly 10 years of that time I was in a long term relationship with another person who again, I 'loved' but I did the same thing - he was/is a great person, great with my family, but not someone I ever loved the way I should have. Also, in this relationship, it was clear he loved me so much more which eased the anxiety of making myself vulnerable. We got engaged, but I broke off the engagement at the beginning of 2015.
Last summer, I decided to start dating. I was in a really good place in my life - kids, home, career. I wasn't lonely, but rather happy, and I thought it was finally time to do something for me and find someone to share it with. I went on a few dates, and then last fall met the man who is now my boyfriend. I can honestly, and embarrassingly, say that it feels like this is the first time I've been in a relationship at 39 years old. I love him like I never loved the others, but that sends me into an anxiety spiral. I spend every day analyzing his words, texts, actions, touches - to see if he still wants me, to constantly look for red flags, to see if he has changed his mind too. It is overwhelming and exhausting. I convince myself I should break up with him because of the anxiety, because it would be easier. But, I don't want to spend my life alone and I am determined to not let my past dictate my future. It hasn't in all the other areas, so I think I can do it.
I can be controlling, I over-analyze and over-think everything (sometimes obsessively) and things that I lack control over cause me to panic. I am working with a therapist, but I thought it would be good to find a place to post in the meantime when I am having these worries. If you made it this far, thank you for reading!