You mean I am going to stay this color.

[A.Shanks]

I am in my forties, I had a breakdown 6 years ago and it lasted for 5 years. I started actively coming out of the breakdown last spring and I think it was done in the summer. Since then I have done more and more, I am working and taking care of my kids. At first these facts, that I was building myself up helped me cope with the out sized anxiety but now I realize the anxiety isn't going anywhere, that I might construct a healthier life style but that I am still going to feel like shit. I am still going to shake and stutter, I am still going to get lazy and not leave my sofa for a weekend, I'll sleep a day away, avoid using the phone, not go outside if I can help it, my memory is going to be spotty and dumb. No matter what I do I will still feel certain I am going to die, feel like my atoms are going to explode... I am so angry and frustrated that i am doing the things I am supposed to do and I will not get better. I've tried dozens of drugs (I don't remember most of them) and I have a therapist.

I guess I am here because I feel isolated and lonely and I feel like I can help others understand what is happening with them, and also hope to understand myself as well.