Anxiety and guilt

[Sirzeke]

I've done some awful things in my life. I'm only a college student, yet I am haunted by memories of past mistakes I've made, even ones from early high school. I find myself fearing that these mistakes may be revealed one day, and that I will suffer the consequences.

Unfortunately, the mistake I made is one that many teens have made before, and I fear that it could still do potential damage in the future. My fear may be irrational, as there is nothing I can do now to fix it (the person I wronged has forgiven me) but I cannot seem to forgive myself. There is not a day that I'm not affected by anxiety or fear.

I did not have this problem until this past year, so I am confused as to why all of this guilt is coming now (4 years later). I'm sorry for the long post; hopefully you all have some advice or simply your own experiences with guilt you'd like to share.

- Blessings

[Nowuccas]

Hey Sirzeke,

Some previous posts follow:

"There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man." - Polybius.

Realise, and accept that you, just like the rest of us, are only human, and therefore, fallible. We all make mistakes; do, or omit to do certain things, but the idea is to learn from them, and resolve not to make the same one again. Once having done this, it can be helpful to repeat an affirmation to yourself along the following lines, at least 3 times: "I may have made a mistake in ... ... and there are some things which can't be undone, no matter how much I regret it, so I firmly resolve to learn from this, and choose to forgive myself now, and move on".

Negative thoughts often precede negative emotions. Accordingly, it's important to regularly monitor, and deal with a negative internal monologue (self talk), or mental process, such as disturbing thoughts, images, impulses, or emotions, by the process of (a): recognising it, and (b): challenging it immediately. Technique For Re-Programming Negative Thoughts: When you notice something negative, such as: "I can't do this/ am never going to get over this!" or: "Why am I always so useless/such a loser?" or even an image, emotion, or a memory; recognise that it is being generated from the negative part of your mind.

After identifying and labelling it, visualise a large, red, flashing, "STOP!" sign, and/or possibly a stern faced person wagging an index finger at you in a negative manner, then say to yourself as forcefully as you can, even aloud in a big voice, if alone: "I know this tactic: GO AWAY FOR A WHILE !!!" You may want to use either: "ruse", "ploy", "game", or "trick". In the case of an image, visualise a large "STOP" sign, or your preferred version. Some people go so far as to keep a wide rubber band in their pocket, then put it around their wrist, when they catch themselves backsliding, stretch and release it, as a method of reprogramming their mind sooner, but I don't regard it as being strictly necessary. Remember to remove it, afterwards, if you use this method.

Check out http://www.wikihow.com/wikiHowTo?search=guilt such as:

How to Eliminate Guilt: 13 Steps, &

How to Overcome Guilt by Taking Responsibility: 8 Steps, &

How to Overcome Feelings of Guilt: 12 Steps.

Read: Escaping Toxic Guilt: Five Proven Steps to Free Yourself from Guilt for Good! by Susan Carrell, & Good-Bye to Guilt: Releasing Fear Through Forgiveness by Gerald G. Jampolsky, & Stop Running Away: Confront the Guilt, Regret and Remorse That Haunt You by Timothy M. Wise, from your bookstore or enter "guilt" in the searchbar at Amazon.com for more media. Hypnosis is merely a heightened state of suggestibility, in which you are better able to communicate with your subconscious mind. 85% of people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either preferably seek professional hypnotherapy. If unavailable, hypnosisdownloads.com has one about forgiving yourself, and overcoming guilt. Professional advice is to use preferably only 1, or a maximum of 2 at any one time.

"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing".
- John Powell.
Guilt is the source of sorrow, 'tis the fiend, Th' avenging fiend, that follows us behind, With whips and stings”.

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"We achieve inner health only through forgiveness - the forgiveness not only of others but also of ourselves" - Joshua Loth Leibman.

View http://www.wikihow.com/Special:GoogSearch?cx=008953293426798287586%3Amr-gwotjmbs&cof=FORID%3A10&ie=UTF-8&q=forgiveness & http://search.about.com/?q=forgiveness such as:
"Five Strategies for Discovering How to Forgive" &
"The Many Benefits of Forgiveness - Stress Management".
Also http://www.ehow.com/search.html?s=forgiveness&skin=corporate&t=all such as:
How to Forgive, &
How to Forgive, Forget and Let Go.

Books: Forgive for Good by Fred Luskin, & Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, & "The Twelve Steps of Forgiveness by Paul Ferrini and Pia Mackenzie, & Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get on With Your Life by Sidney B. Simon and Suzanne Simon, & "Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve” by Lewis B. Smedes. Get through your fear of forgiveness, from your bookstore, or amazon.com.

"How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to
feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you
tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry
with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about
it all."

"Makes me think that truly forgiving someone who has
wounded me is an incredibly difficult task. No rage
or anger, not evenly occasionally? Nothing at all
to say about it anymore? Ever?

Just another reminder of how hard it is to truly
detach from ego and forgive those who we feel have
intentionally hurt us. But we have to keep trying,
I think".
- Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

Hypnosis is merely a heightened state of suggestibility, in which you are better able to communicate with your subconscious mind; view http://myfavoriteinterests.com/hypnosis/ about what it is, and isn't. 85% of people are suggestible to some degree; 15% - 20% highly so, and 15% - 20% aren't much at all, so you could either preferably seek professional hypnotherapy, or, if not an option, hypnosisdownloads.com has one about forgiveness.

Some things we can forgive without much difficulty; others, not. Some sooner, some later; the important thing is that it be SINCERE forgiveness, not just the feeling that you OUGHT TO forgive. Ask yourself if you have done things for which you would like to be forgiven? Assume, for the present, that the same situation applies with others.

Some quotes on forgiveness:

When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.
Bernard Meltzer.

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Mahatma Gandhi.

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.
Thomas Szasz

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.
Joan Lunden

It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.
Maya Angelou.

It's not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.
Tyler Perry.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Louis B. Smedes

“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” – Jonathan Lockwood Huie

"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness." - Robert Muller

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." - Louis B. Smedes

"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." - Cherie Carter-Scott.

"Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me." - Anonymous

But also view: "6 Reasons Not to Forgive (Yet)", at
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/is-psychology-making-us-sick/201409/6-reasons-not-forgive-not-yet

Being aware of when it is time to forgive, can be as important as developing the capacity for forgiveness.

[Nowuccas]

The following came from Yahoo!:

One: Take a sheet of paper and divide it into four columns. In the first column, write down all the negative, distressing or anxiety-provoking thoughts that are going through your head.
If you just know you feel bad and are not sure what you’re thinking, these questions may help:
What was going through my mind just before I started to feel this way?
What does this say about me? What does it say I can/can’t do?
What does this mean about me? My life? My future?
What am I afraid might happen? What is the worst thing that could happen if this is true?
What does this mean about what other people might think/feel about me?
What does this mean I should/shouldn’t do?
What images or memories do I have in this situation?

Read through your list of thoughts and circle the one you find most distressing. This is the thought you’re going to challenge. (You can always repeat the exercise for other thoughts later if you like.)

Two: In the second column, write down all the factual evidence that suggests your circled thought is true. Be as specific as possible, and only include facts, not opinions. For example, if your friend Sally said a particular dress made you look a little fat, don’t write, “I look fat” (this is just Sally’s opinion). Don’t write, “Sally says I look fat” (this is overgeneralising). Write something like, “Sally said I looked a little fat in the green dress.”

Three: In the third column, write down any factual evidence that suggests your circled thought is not 100% true. To do this, you can ask yourself the following questions:
Have I had any experiences that show that this thought is not completely true all the time?
If my best friend or someone I loved had this thought, what would I tell them?
If my best friend or someone who loves me knew I was thinking this thought, what would they say to me? What evidence would they point out to me that would suggest that my thoughts were not 100% true?
When I am not feeling this way, do I think about this type of situation any differently? How?
When I have felt this way in the past, what did I think about that helped me feel better?
Have I been in this type of situation before? What happened? Is there anything different between this situation and previous ones? What have I learned from prior experiences that could help me now?
Are there any small things that contradict my thoughts that I might be discounting as not important?
Five years from now, if I look back at this situation, will I look at it any differently? Will I focus on any different part of my experience?
Are there any strengths or positives in me or the situation that I am ignoring?
Am I jumping to any conclusions that are not completely justified by the evidence?
Am I blaming myself for something over which I do not have complete control?

Four: In the final column, try to come up with some “alternative” or “balanced” thoughts that are more factually accurate than those in the first column. These should take into account all the evidence you’ve just gathered. You can ask yourself the following questions:
Based on the evidence I have listed, is there an alternative way of thinking about or understanding the situation?
Write one sentence that summarizes all the evidence that supports my thought and all the evidence that does not support my thought.
Does combining the two summary statements with the word “and” create a balanced thought that takes into account all the information I have gathered?
If someone I cared about was in this situation, had these thoughts, and had this information available, what would be my advice to them? How would I suggest that they understand the situation?
If my thought is true, what is the worst outcome? If my thought is true, what is the best outcome? If my thought is true, what is the most realistic outcome?

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Anti-anxiety techniques:

Learn, become proficient in, and employ acupressure tapping / EFT, and progressive muscle relaxation, ( http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html ) using whichever you find most effective.

Give the Meridian Tapping Technique / EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via mercola.com or www.tapping.com (13 free videos), or www.eftuniverse.com or www.emofree.com or one of the many YouTube videos. Google: "YouTube; EFT videos".
Professionally instructed is generally preferable (Google: therapists; EFT; [your location] or mercola.com has a locator). - There is a version for use in public places at http://eft.mercola.com (if you like, you can claim to have a headache, as you employ the acupressure massage / tapping on your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I have anxiety, I deeply and completely accept myself)."