Scott Fuston
07-10-2016, 10:30 AM
Hello Everyone,
My name is Scott, I am 38 years old and I just came across this forum when I was (as always) looking for a solution to my lifelong struggle with anxiety. So, I thought I'd check it out and see what happens. This is the first time I have ever brought my issue to a forum.
I have what I THINK is anxiety. I have been dealing with this issue since I was about 12 years old. I started out having issues wanting to go to school. I would feel so overwhelmed at the thought that I'd just skip school as often as I could get away with it. I managed to make it through my Junior year in high school and ended up getting a GED. I since went to a tech school, and online school for computers.
As an adult this continued to be a problem for me. Only this time it was an issue going to work instead of school. It didn't start out too severe, Just dreaded the day ahead, felt tired and all that which I think is fairly normal for most people. I'd have a very bad day from time to time in my early adult life, and call off work. These mornings I just felt anxiety about going to work, felt tired and just wanted to "live a little" on my terms from time to time. If I recall correctly, I called in probably about once a month on average. Obviously this becomes a problem for employers, and a problem foe me too eventually. I have lost alot of jobs over the years and continue to do so still to this day. The last 10 years have been the worst. I have these days more often and I have NEVER held a job more than 1 year.
For the last 6 years I have had full custody of my daughter, who is now 13 years old. Even trying to use her as motivation to go to work everyday is not powerful enough when I get that mindset that I can't go to work today. This problem is more severe than ever. I had the idea a while back that I'd file for disability. Since I am "working" I cannot get it. The problem is that I have to work, we have no family or friends to live with. So i constantly get a job, lose or quit it, then go into panic mode about rent and a home, so I scramble and get another job for a few months and get caught up and back on track with bills and then I repeat the process. Sometimes its so bad that i get a new job and and the it comes time to start and that morning I have such bad anxiety I don't even go. This sometimes goes on through 2-3 jobs before I finally start one.
My feelings in the mornings that prevent me from working:
I feel a deep despair in mornings. I feel like it's not acceptable to waste the majority of my life at "work"! I only get a few hours of my own life each evening? That's a terribly depression thought for me. But, the emotion I have feels so overwhelming and dark that I have a very hard time explaining it, even to myself. I cannot think of a place or circumstance that would come close to explaining how bad this despair and hopelessness feels to me in the mornings. However..... the second I call in It's gone! That fast, it's just gone and I feel so good! At least for time being, so I enjoy the moment, because for the moment I am fine and free do with my time what I choose.
I was diagnosed as a teenager with chronic anxiety disorder, been on a few antidepressants over the years, nothing helps at all. So, I Stopped trying medications years ago. Currently I can't seek any medical help because I can't keep a job long enough to have insurance, or afford any medications or treatments.
My latest thought on trying to fix this issue (test #1,000,000,000,000,000) is that maybe having a support system and people to talk to might help. As you can imagine, being unable to keep a job in today's society is something that is disgraceful. So, I feel so ashamed that I literally cannot talk to anyone about this issue except one friend that almost never see. This is why I have stayed single for the last 6 years and have isolated myself from people's judgements almost 100%.
Sorry for such a long introduction. Just wanted to explain my issue in a nutshell. I could literally write for hours about the last 20 years of this. Look forward to getting to know all of you.
Thank you
My name is Scott, I am 38 years old and I just came across this forum when I was (as always) looking for a solution to my lifelong struggle with anxiety. So, I thought I'd check it out and see what happens. This is the first time I have ever brought my issue to a forum.
I have what I THINK is anxiety. I have been dealing with this issue since I was about 12 years old. I started out having issues wanting to go to school. I would feel so overwhelmed at the thought that I'd just skip school as often as I could get away with it. I managed to make it through my Junior year in high school and ended up getting a GED. I since went to a tech school, and online school for computers.
As an adult this continued to be a problem for me. Only this time it was an issue going to work instead of school. It didn't start out too severe, Just dreaded the day ahead, felt tired and all that which I think is fairly normal for most people. I'd have a very bad day from time to time in my early adult life, and call off work. These mornings I just felt anxiety about going to work, felt tired and just wanted to "live a little" on my terms from time to time. If I recall correctly, I called in probably about once a month on average. Obviously this becomes a problem for employers, and a problem foe me too eventually. I have lost alot of jobs over the years and continue to do so still to this day. The last 10 years have been the worst. I have these days more often and I have NEVER held a job more than 1 year.
For the last 6 years I have had full custody of my daughter, who is now 13 years old. Even trying to use her as motivation to go to work everyday is not powerful enough when I get that mindset that I can't go to work today. This problem is more severe than ever. I had the idea a while back that I'd file for disability. Since I am "working" I cannot get it. The problem is that I have to work, we have no family or friends to live with. So i constantly get a job, lose or quit it, then go into panic mode about rent and a home, so I scramble and get another job for a few months and get caught up and back on track with bills and then I repeat the process. Sometimes its so bad that i get a new job and and the it comes time to start and that morning I have such bad anxiety I don't even go. This sometimes goes on through 2-3 jobs before I finally start one.
My feelings in the mornings that prevent me from working:
I feel a deep despair in mornings. I feel like it's not acceptable to waste the majority of my life at "work"! I only get a few hours of my own life each evening? That's a terribly depression thought for me. But, the emotion I have feels so overwhelming and dark that I have a very hard time explaining it, even to myself. I cannot think of a place or circumstance that would come close to explaining how bad this despair and hopelessness feels to me in the mornings. However..... the second I call in It's gone! That fast, it's just gone and I feel so good! At least for time being, so I enjoy the moment, because for the moment I am fine and free do with my time what I choose.
I was diagnosed as a teenager with chronic anxiety disorder, been on a few antidepressants over the years, nothing helps at all. So, I Stopped trying medications years ago. Currently I can't seek any medical help because I can't keep a job long enough to have insurance, or afford any medications or treatments.
My latest thought on trying to fix this issue (test #1,000,000,000,000,000) is that maybe having a support system and people to talk to might help. As you can imagine, being unable to keep a job in today's society is something that is disgraceful. So, I feel so ashamed that I literally cannot talk to anyone about this issue except one friend that almost never see. This is why I have stayed single for the last 6 years and have isolated myself from people's judgements almost 100%.
Sorry for such a long introduction. Just wanted to explain my issue in a nutshell. I could literally write for hours about the last 20 years of this. Look forward to getting to know all of you.
Thank you