syamyllib
07-01-2016, 08:38 PM
About 5 years ago I got caught up in this horrible trap of obsessive thoughts which kind of only went away because I got lucky and forgot about them, but in the past week or so it's been coming back and I'm at a point where it's consuming my life and I need to figure something out.
It all started one day I noticed a sort of muscle discomfort, kind of along the lines of the feeling when someone says "you are now blinking and breathing manually!" and it bothers you for a few moments, but it quickly slips away. It was like that, except discovering it was this horrible panic thing that stuck with me and then next 5 months or so was just a constant mental struggle to "forget" it. It kind of became less about the actual feeling, but just the fear of remembering it and knowing the discomfort that's associated. Every day was the same thing - wake up, remember it as soon as I'm conscious, try to ignore it all day and end up having it on my mind constantly because I think of the next thing I'm doing and hope it's out of my head by then, which causes me to remember it when I get there. It's an extremely uncomfortable feeling both mentally and physically, and it keeps me from ever feeling physically relaxed or enjoying anything I care about. It's really hard to explain since it evolved to not even be a specific tangible thing that's directly causing me discomfort, it's more the fear of remembering a thing I'm trying not to remember. It's like having a rock in your shoe keeping you from ever feeling comfortable or enjoying anything, and each time you notice it and remember it's there it's a futile panicked craze to force it out of your head that only makes you remember it more. Whenever I see anything I enjoy it immediately brings it to mind and I crave the days before I noticed it and was able to feel relaxed and enjoy things.
Anyways, this all gradually slipped away about half a year after it originally struck me, I'm not really sure how, but general positive mood and changes of scenery helped I think. For a few years it would only slightly cross my mind here and there when some particular things triggered it, but I sorta thought of it as a thing I was "over" and was able to let it slip out of my head before it took over again. But, a few days ago, I experienced a similar process with a new thing and now I'm stuck in the exact same trap except I have a new thing triggering it. While this was initially something new (the fear of forming a negative association between two things) it's basically turned into what the original thing was, including that same physical discomfort I got from the original bout of it. It's severely killing my quality of life and I need to get rid of it, but anything I feel like I could do to forget only makes it stick in my head harder and I have no idea what to do.
So my questions are this - what does this sort of thing classify as? Is it something along the lines of OCD? Will reducing my general anxiety levels help with this sort of thing? Is this common? A lot of what's making it so painful is that I feel like I'm the only one going through something like this and that I can never explain it enough for someone to understand and be able to help me. When I read about obsessive thinking it's always over very tangible, real problems, but in my case it's completely arbitrary and basically a nonexistent thing I've built up in my head. Does anyone with experience with anything at all like this have any advice on how I can get help? Is CBT the way to go?
Thanks in advance for any help. I'm going crazy obsessing over a practically nonexistent feedback loop in my head and I need to find a way out. I can't even decide if I should be addressing it like this and trying to get help or just giving it as little attention as possible hoping I forget and it goes away like it did the first time.
It all started one day I noticed a sort of muscle discomfort, kind of along the lines of the feeling when someone says "you are now blinking and breathing manually!" and it bothers you for a few moments, but it quickly slips away. It was like that, except discovering it was this horrible panic thing that stuck with me and then next 5 months or so was just a constant mental struggle to "forget" it. It kind of became less about the actual feeling, but just the fear of remembering it and knowing the discomfort that's associated. Every day was the same thing - wake up, remember it as soon as I'm conscious, try to ignore it all day and end up having it on my mind constantly because I think of the next thing I'm doing and hope it's out of my head by then, which causes me to remember it when I get there. It's an extremely uncomfortable feeling both mentally and physically, and it keeps me from ever feeling physically relaxed or enjoying anything I care about. It's really hard to explain since it evolved to not even be a specific tangible thing that's directly causing me discomfort, it's more the fear of remembering a thing I'm trying not to remember. It's like having a rock in your shoe keeping you from ever feeling comfortable or enjoying anything, and each time you notice it and remember it's there it's a futile panicked craze to force it out of your head that only makes you remember it more. Whenever I see anything I enjoy it immediately brings it to mind and I crave the days before I noticed it and was able to feel relaxed and enjoy things.
Anyways, this all gradually slipped away about half a year after it originally struck me, I'm not really sure how, but general positive mood and changes of scenery helped I think. For a few years it would only slightly cross my mind here and there when some particular things triggered it, but I sorta thought of it as a thing I was "over" and was able to let it slip out of my head before it took over again. But, a few days ago, I experienced a similar process with a new thing and now I'm stuck in the exact same trap except I have a new thing triggering it. While this was initially something new (the fear of forming a negative association between two things) it's basically turned into what the original thing was, including that same physical discomfort I got from the original bout of it. It's severely killing my quality of life and I need to get rid of it, but anything I feel like I could do to forget only makes it stick in my head harder and I have no idea what to do.
So my questions are this - what does this sort of thing classify as? Is it something along the lines of OCD? Will reducing my general anxiety levels help with this sort of thing? Is this common? A lot of what's making it so painful is that I feel like I'm the only one going through something like this and that I can never explain it enough for someone to understand and be able to help me. When I read about obsessive thinking it's always over very tangible, real problems, but in my case it's completely arbitrary and basically a nonexistent thing I've built up in my head. Does anyone with experience with anything at all like this have any advice on how I can get help? Is CBT the way to go?
Thanks in advance for any help. I'm going crazy obsessing over a practically nonexistent feedback loop in my head and I need to find a way out. I can't even decide if I should be addressing it like this and trying to get help or just giving it as little attention as possible hoping I forget and it goes away like it did the first time.