Relationship Anxiety.

[ScentlessApprentice]

Hi all, new to the site but not new to anxiety!

I had it pretty under control for a long time, other than the occasional bout of anxiety. But I've noticed it always increases when I start to like someone romantically. It's been like that since my first serious relationship which triggered the anxiety/depression with in me and was subsequently, but temporarily, conquered.

I'm in a bit of a complicated situation with this girl, I have quite strong feelings for her, but they aren't going to be reciprocate yet due to her being recently out of a long term relationship. Although she admits there are feelings for me. The real kicker is I'm living with her from september this year for the academic year.

Since she stayed with me for a week last week, my anxiety has gotten pretty bad. We had a great time, I admitted my feelings, things weren't awkward although that did cause some anxiety. But now she's gone I just want to be in contact with her all the time. It's obsessive, but not necessary.

I'm a very independent person, I've been single for several years and have been totally okay with it. I like my own space, support myself in every way. Generally, I do everything for myself and don't feel the need to lean on anyone. But as soon as I start to really like someone, I lose my backbone and I go from being completely independent to a weak mess. Which obviously is an easy way to sabotage any blossoming relationship.

I'm starting to worry that this tendency for anxiety or dependancy is going to really ruin a lot of potentially great relationships. It could even ruin my living situation. And that really scares me. I can't lose my best friend to this irrational behaviour.

I need to confront this in a constructive many rather than ditch the cause of anxiety (anyone I fancy) and avoid all triggers.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Kirk]

Since it bothers you so badly, it may not be a bad idea to talk to someone who may give you some suggestions how to deal with this stress in a constructive way. Self help books, your parents, clergy, etc., may
also help.

[ScentlessApprentice]

Thank you, although professional help isn't really an option. I'm just going to have to use all other tools at my disposal.

I have been told that I may be forming an 'anxiety machine' in my head, worrying about worrying to produce a bit more worry. I'd like to be able to recognise and stop thoughts that cause the worry but it's very difficult.

[Kirk]

I am older now at 59. I will tell you a story which happened to me on a date many years ago when I was around 21 or so. I had a date with a very attractive girl named Teri.
i had never gone out with someone that attractive before. We were supposed to go to the movies and then get a bite to eat. I was very nervous before the date. Their was a bar
near the movie theatre. I was to meet her at the movies. I was never a big drinker. To help calm my nerves, I had a few strong drinks before we met up. I felt better. During the
movie I began to feel ill. She wanted to leave in the middle of the movie and go back to where she lived. I thought this great and what guy would not think this was great. However,
I began to feel worse. As we were walking toward our cars, I began to have the dry heaves and it happened a few times. She asked if I was OK as my face turned milky white.
Boy was I embarrased. She said I hope you feel better and left. I tried to call her for another date, but it never happened. Was it the drinks or anxiety that made me sick? I will never
know for sure. The point I am trying to make is that anxiety happens to all of us at some point, so don't be too hard on yourself.

[ScentlessApprentice]

Thank you for sharing. I'm just worried that the feeling of panic that engulfs me at times when I start to have feelings for someone is something that will block me from being able to have healthy relationships.