Great first date ruined by anxiety

[anxietylife]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I have an issue that I have no one else to talk to about, but is really eating me up inside.

For some background, I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and social anxiety from a very young age. I have come a long way in terms of treating the anxiety and continue to take steps to reduce its impact, but is still present in my life.

I was in a 5 year relationship that ended last October. I didn't want to rush back into dating so I stayed on my own for several months. By May of this year, I decided I wanted to get back into dating. I joined an online dating site, just to see where it would go. A few weeks in, a guy messaged me and he seemed really nice. We chatted happily for a week and he asked if I wanted to meet. We met up and had a great time, we had dinner, went to a festival where we held hands. When it got late, we went to his house. There we cuddled and kissed for hours. I even stayed over night because it got too late to drive home. The next day, he made me breakfast and we then cuddled and kissed for several hours more. At the end, we kissed and said our goodbyes, both said we had a great time and I even said I wanted to meet again.

It seemed like the perfect date right? Well, throughout I felt anxious, I felt like I was in over my head, that I was awkward, that I'm not ready for dating yet, that this guy isn't really right for me. I even mentioned to him several times that I'm a nervous person because I felt he could feel that vibe coming off of me. I also feel like things moved too fast for me. We ended up sleeping together that very night (we didn't go all the way, though). I went along with it. I'm not sure if it was out of a sense of obligation or to avoid an awkward morning.

After the date, I felt anxious,like it was not going to work out. He was such a nice guy, but I didn't feel like we clicked and, as I said, I don't think I am ready to get back into dating yet. I planned on telling him that I thought he was great and that I had a lot of fun, but, I don't think it would have worked long term. Later the next evening, he messaged me saying how much fun he had. I didn't want to leave him hanging, or go out on a second date I feel I wouldn't have enjoyed (even though I did explicitly tell him at the end of the date that I would be interested in seeing him again). I thought that this is where I should tell him I'm not interested. I wrote him a long text explaining how I had a lot of fun and that he was a great guy, but that I don't think it would have worked out long term. He texted me back saying thanks for the honesty, but the tone of the text conveyed deep disappointment.

Now this is where the big issue I have is. The guy clearly thought the date went very well. We both had a lot of fun. However, I feel like I may have mislead him by cuddling/kissing for so long and saying I was interested in a second date. I find that often I will do or say things to make others happy. I have a hard time saying "no" and I hate disappointing people. The hard thing is that in this case, I think I did more harm than good.

In addition to this, I have been reading a lot of dating forums and they say that you often need more than one date to determine if you really are into one another. As a result, I feel like I made a huge mistake by telling him I wasn't interested. I feel like maybe my anxiety got the best of me and that I should have slept on before sending the guy that message. I considered texting him back to say that what I said, I said in a state of extreme anxiety. However, I feel this would be playing games with his heart and may hurt him more.

Now, I feel absolutely awful and depressed. I couldn't even eat breakfast this morning. I just feel like an all around horrible person. I feel like I never want to date again for the risk of my anxiety getting the best of me and something like this happening again. Even though I feel like this should be an opportunity to learn a lesson, I cannot get over the feeling that I really hurt and/or mislead the guy and it is killing me. I hate feeling like I have hurt someone.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Does anyone have any advice? I could really use some guidance or reassurance at the moment.

[Anne1221]

I always do things and go along to make others happy. I am a "people pleaser". I could be wrong but it just doesn't sound like you really had that great of a time. If you did, I don't think you would have been THAT anxious all evening. You probably would have forgotten you were anxious for a while. You are not a horrible person at all!

[Kirk]

I agree with Anne1221.

[anxietylife]

Thanks, both for the reassurance. To give an update, I did end up messaging the guy again, just so he knew that when I said I didn't think it would work out, it was a case of my anxiety getting the best of me. He hasn't messaged me back, but I feel this step took a great weight off my shoulders. I'm not 100% over it, which I don't think I should be. I still feel I made a mistake and need to take the time to recognize this and learn from it. I should have handled things better.

As a result of all of this, I've decided I need to make more of an effort to make some life changes.

Firstly, I need to become better at saying no and not pleasing people at all costs. I will still try to please people when I can, but there comes a point when you can start misleading people with your actions. Especially in dating. People may think you are more interested than you actually are. I have learned that the inability to say no can make someone happy in the short term, but can make both parties unhappy in the long term. If I felt the date wasn't going well I should have called it quits early and I certainly shouldn't say to expect a second date if I'm unsure at that point.

Secondly, I have also realized that I need to improve my social skills. I need to get out more and get more comfortable with people. I usually just from home to work and back home, not conversing all that much in the process and not going out on weekends. I was recommended by my counselor to join Toastmasters which is an international organization where you can learn to build speaking skills and gain self-confidence, along with other skills as well. I'm hoping to attend in the coming weeks to see what it is all about.

Finally, I learned to never make an important decision in a state of anxiety/overthinking or without sleeping on it first. Making decisions hastily or in a poor frame of mind can be one of the most regretful things you can do, especially if it is a bad decision that is hard to bounce back from.

If I can learn these lessons from my mistakes, I believe I can avoid future issues like this one. I still regret my actions. I know I hurt the guy's feelings and this still haunts me. But I never want to make a similar mistake again.

Again, thanks for your support. :)

[Heydad75]

Hi anxietylife,

I came across your post and want to let you know that you have immense value as a woman. I would post these questions to my daughter. Have you thought about what you want out of a relationship? What kind of man of you want to form a relationship with? Would it be one that respects and values you as the woman you are? That kind of man that would not invite you to his house on the first date. I am not trying to be preachy just trying to offer a different perspective. I don't think your anxiety ruined the first date, I think that perhaps going to a stranger's house would make me anxious as well, and I am a man. :-). I hope these words help and encourage you to seek a man that honors you and respects you.

Sincerely,

Heydad75

[Anne1221]

My goodness, you are a wise woman! You'll be fine.

[anxietylife]

Thanks for the support guys. It really means a lot. I feel much better a week after the incident. I'm doing more meditation, trying to be more social. This has been an important lesson for me because I thought I had gotten passed a lot of my social anxieties, but really I had just stopped challenging myself, unaware that I need to keep up the work. Keeping social would have helped me to avoid situations like this.

By the way, I feel I should make it clear that I am a guy, not a girl. But your comments are very much appreciated regardless. :D

[Kirk]

When I was a young man dating, I had some interesting dates that were ruined for apparently no reason. I remember I took this girl out when I was around 21 and when I was dropping her off to her house, she opened the car door before I even fully stopped and got out and said thank you, ran inside and I never heard from her again. I didn't even try anything on our first date. it just goes to show you, things can go wrong for no apparent reason, so I would not be too hard on yourself.