Why is it so hard to see what's really wrong inside??

[BerryBamboo]

Okay, my previous post didn't work. Let me ask this question. Why can't I see what's really going on inside me if I can't express my frustration, especially towards people? Why do we need conflict to find the truth? Why do I get anxiety and a bunch of ridiculous phobias? Why are we this way! Why is everything have to be pain and hurt? If this is how it is supposed to be, if we are supposed to be honest, and we are supposed to be expressive, if we need to see the truth, why don't we??? In life everything is based on lies and deceit. This doesn't make any sense to me. Why aren't we trying to figure ourselves more, why are we using stupid suppressants or trying to be fake all the time??? Why! This is ridiculous! I have lived with this my entire life! This is sucking the passion, the life out of me! Everything is wrong! Don't you feel that? Don't you feel this is just wrong??! No doctors or no therapists can help us! All we do is suppress ourselves till we die, or drink or get high, or kill ourselves! Why are we so weak! Why is everything based on how good we look on the outside? Just want a real conversation here!

I am always in doubt about how to behave, or what to do. And it is causing so much pain inside me. I am sick and tired of this. It's like this is the deepest I have ever got on this. On behaviour and emotional issues of people.

[cloudy black]

helloBerryBamboo excellent question. but do you really want an answer!?

yes society seems to be and always has been capable of lies and deceit and that has always been the case. the thing is to not get ensnared by this. it is only a distraction in the bigger picture of things. the really important thing is to be true to ourselves and others in spite of the pettiness that we can sometimes experience and that takes character and focus and a realisation that i am not responsible for other peoples negativity but that i am responsible for my own negativity and that i need to work on this and never mind other people.


its hard to express what is going on inside of us at times because for me i guess i am needing it to be different. i dont like that i have GAD. but i am not this GAD. i have never accepted it and so i continue to struggle. and really i dont know what that will look like once/if i ever accept this part of me.

Why aren't we trying to figure ourselves more, why are we using stupid suppressants or trying to be fake all the time???
in a word FEAR. we dont live in a world where the truth is welcome and so we choose to be something that we are not. it takes courage and integrity to be real.

we dont see the truth as the truth as it aint often pretty or nice it can be painful and through this pain we can if only we would but do it move through it. but i believe it is our ego that keeps us trapped the belief that we shouldn't have to suffer and that life isn't fair (which it isn't).

the trouble is that these days we have become experts at our own malaise and the ego loves that and we become trapped in our own little bubbles and the truth is what can pop that bubble!

for me life needs to be about thinking about others and helping others and in that we help ourselves we get to know ourselves. unless and until we move out of our little self constructed world bubble then the pain as i see it and experience will get worse.

its good that you have a questioning mind, but i would encourage you to do go out and do something positive and constructive

[BerryBamboo]

Yes yes, it is nice to go out and have fun, but this is for those times I can't do that. I am not like them. I can't just act like everything is fine. Especially when everyone around me is full of pain and I can't really escape it, if you are like me than you would see right through them, right through their disguise, what do you do, close your eyes to be fine? It causes me more and more stress to hide. And my strength comes from understanding stuff. I am saying, this world is drowning me, because it won't let me be expressive. It won't let me be myself! But I see what you are saying.

[BerryBamboo]

Oh man, I needed this. Sorry if it sounded like an argument, but I have this thing where I get really stuck inside my own body, my own mind, and my energy, my emotions stop flowing or whatever, it is like I can't do anything anymore, till I purge whatever is stuck inside my head. And I don't really know what it is till I purge it, so I need context, a conversation, and it comes up to the surface in the form of screaming or crying. And everything makes sense again, just like magic. This time I needed to do this without facing someone.

[Ponder]

Discipline is what works for me. At the moment having made a new friend, I find I am falling into a pattern of commiseration that is more negative than not. Regardless of reason to why this is happening, I am going to tell this person I can only spend X amount of time with them. (a time limit that is within my field of tolerance)

In the circumstances of which you speak, I prefer to use I instead of we, but get your meaning. I think we tend to cling to the we too much in such times that we should really be focusing on the I. Excuse me if that makes no sense. To me, that is how I see our tendency to be negative when around others whom like us are or have a predisposition. The human race currently has a predisposition. Those who think not, are imo rather caught up in a pretentious life that only adds to one's, another's and or again, the human condition

I really like your question here Berry, however because I tend to go on in length and complicate things, I think I will pick it up in my own thread ... I'll perhaps link it if I feel it is worth the read. I'm struggling of late myself on this very issue. More so since making a new friend. The dynamics in that have dragged me down, however I find much of your query is relevant to my current situation and in need of addressing.

On that note ... thanks for this post. I'll give this more thought after my run.

Hang in there ... We always have a choice as to how we react. Identify the current issues that are in your immediate space and note the intrusions as such. Dial back the pressures and look to being more kind on self. I remind myself we are what we eat ... (Edit to highlight context) → ... this is not only true of what we put into our mouths ... but also of what we choose to watch, see and hear also affect us like so. In this regard we still have much control. Once I remind myself of that, I find it easier to break out of the cycle of negativity and go back to challenges that give me some kind of hope ... a kind that lets me feel the warmth of the sun or simply feel the breeze. Stuff that does not require status, money, popularity or any other kind of false need.

I hear ya loud and clear.

Take Care
~Dave.

[BerryBamboo]

Hi, Ponder

I said we because I have the disadvantage of carrying other people's problems on my shoulders. I don't know if you believe in empathy, I don't even know if I believe I am really an empath. Or is it just about absorbing and sharing the same patterns with everyone, and not being able to escape them. It is like a baby repeating the kind of words that it needs to express at first, after hearing it over and over. But it doesn't really understand the pattern yet.

I am having trouble with this: "we are what we eat". In my case, when people around me having the same kind of unenlightened patterns, and forcing me to act like them, pushing their pain and hatred on me, their own responsibilities upon me, the kind of stuff they have to figure out themselves, I end up dealing with their problems instead of mine. Especially my parents. But it's okay. I don't mind. I figure them out anyway.

[Ponder]

Hi, Berry :) - Whilst I can't say I have shared your experiences, I can however relate to that feeling of being weighed down with other peoples issues. I'm not sure about "believing" - but YEP I understand a little a bout empathy as it relates to our sensitivities. It can be one of our skill sets as well as a burden.

If I may quote you "Or is it just about absorbing and sharing the same patterns with everyone, and not being able to escape them." - I like what you have said here. I may not entirely get this, but it sounds on the mark to me in many ways. Also the baby talk wrapped that up nicely. You got a gift there with the words berry. Keep working with that. :)

We are what we eat = Self Responsibility but more so opportunity for more choices when it seems we have none:
What I mean when I say "We are what we eat" Firstly I am using this metaphor because I know it well from personal experience. I apologize to anyone if it seems contentious. For me, "We are what we eat" (I edited and highlighted the context in my above post with the trailing words) is about the choices we make.

Hmmm - No matter how bad things get ... and in some situations it may be a case of no more chips before we realize just how much we really have. (after losing all we though we had) ... I am currently seeing a lot of people in the groups I go to and the new friends I make complaining yet making no attempt to really do anything to help themselves. It's kind of like you said with the continual suppressing with what I used to do with the continual taking of pills/food. This new friend I have made, wants to commiserate with me each time we meet. While I do my best drinking water while he drinks beer, I politely turn down the offers of junk food while he scoffs down what I refuse - then comes all the war stories often painted with bitterness:

I do my best to hold my own fort as I slowly tire from the others pain ... The best I can do is politely remind them how their chemical suppressants will not work whilst chugging down alcohol and junk food. Yadda Yadda ... I am finding that a skill because I don't want to piss them off, yet I also don't want to bang my own head against a wall or put myself into a position where I will also fall.

Anyways - It's just something I am going through at the moment and mean not to imply anything of anyone else. I totally relate in many ways to this post you hath made and the empathy part is something I am tending to in this new relationship I have made. excellent point with the empath issue and how it relates as yet another responsibility with how we approach life.
____________________________

I was just going over your original post in Microsoft Word (just helps me to focus is all) - and the best I can say is that your onto something with that post of yours. I think it shows great strength and growth on your part to ask such questions.

I leave this for now ... but thanks heaps for feeding back with me on this topic. Greatly appreciated. I hope I have been able to relate and listen as much as I blurb away. :)

Again ... your post here shows a lot of growth on your own part. Please take heart in that. It's really refreshing/inspiring to see others reflecting like so.

I catch up soon enough.

[BerryBamboo]

I used to delete everything I have ever written, so this is a great exercise for me. Well, I am trying to be open and frank about what I have always thought, just didn't know if it would be cherished or avoided, I have that effect you know, people either avoid me to a great degree, or they pursue everything I say vigorously and surprise me. And yeah, thanks for all your vigor =)

[BerryBamboo]

"Or is it just about absorbing and sharing the same patterns with everyone, and not being able to escape them." Yes, I need to explain this one. Because it is a new thought of mine... well, lets see. As scientists say we are born blank and plus some instincts and intuition, we watch other people's behaviour patterns and emotional responses. We don't really make sense of them, but there is nothing else to be, so we imitate what we observe at start. But there is a catch. We overlook things we need to be aware of in ourselves, and I believe this turns into pain later in life. Things we don't understand. And these painful memories or just plain dark parts of the brain, are kinda closed off for use. But with every conflict of ideas, the mind struggles to open those dark parts of the brain. And for me this creates extreme phobias, noise or blur to my sight. It's like distortion of reality. For example, I was kinda going through something about doing things my own way, I was raking in the garden, and at that moment there were worms crawling underneath the leaves, and I felt like I was gonna pass out. Which is strange, they never bother me. But when those areas of my brain are trying to wake up, I get real extreme issues I have never faced before.

But of course, my problem with people never goes away. This is why I keep thinking about these patterns I can't break, since every time I recognize one, I realize immediately whose is it, and why they can't break that pattern either. I can't think of one right now, maybe later. I keep repeating, my mind shuts itself down. It is like forgetting things, but if you can use that knowledge afterwards like it was never forgotten, I don't know how to term this one. Maybe mind going blank??? Can you imagine all of a sudden in a group, you can't think about what to say, or can't recall something you know?? It is such a disaster. Now I see it, don't yet understand, I am afraid everything I do or say will cause friction or a fight. So, I just stop myself from taking a step. From speaking my mind. All these fears, all these problems, they cause my mind going blank, or making me look stupid or useless. And people like calling names, don't they. And you don't know better than accepting your label if you are not sure of yourself, if you can't remember your sense of self, such a difficulty.

They do, people. They accept what others say to them. They live with it, "stupid", "useless", "dull"... Because I did! And they never try to see what's really under that pattern. Why is it so easy to accept it? Why can't they just let go? Because breaking patterns make you unstable and hurt really bad. Seeing the truth is the hardest thing to do. When I first realized the power of letting go of the past, it was a blessing, but later the more I tore apart, I saw how much dirt is in my heart. How many hurtful things I believed in, and let it hurt me. It was tough to do, because I couldn't just let go, I couldn't just forget, I had to tear them apart. Because forgetting means you don't really reach inside and see what's there, you just hide from that pain. Which is fine, till forgetting means forgetting everything about yourself, and giving up on your life. I did that too! But at some point, I had to decide. Give up or suffer. I chose to go through the darkness to live.

From Cloudy Black; "for me life needs to be about thinking about others and helping others and in that we help ourselves we get to know ourselves", sorry it took me for a while to think. Lets be honest here. Life is not just about helping others, it is also about hurting others. People don't learn anything if you keep helping them. In my experience, people never helped me, they always hurt me, and I learned a lot because of this. And I tried to help them all the time, and they became worse and worse, they hurt me more. So, I gave up on helping others. If someone really needs help, they give off signals to catch your attention anyway. And helping someone is such a responsibility, but most of all, it is a great deal of responsibility to yourself. Because you learn a lot, you face a lot of things about who you are. If there are a lot of unknown aspects, then it is most likely you end up getting hurt, which is cool, that's when you see the truth.

It's really a harsh truth of nature. Strength always comes from tearing apart weakness. But if you are not aware of the truth, you end up tearing apart someone else. Because we see our problems in other people. This could be why we all share the same patterns we can't break. We see our weakness in someone else, and we try to destroy that weakness in someone else, which is a really pointless action but we take it anyway. Because it is easier, because we have the illusion of clinging to power, rather than letting go and finding true strength. And in time, we get powerful from tearing apart others, and they get weaker because they believe in everything they are told, rather then letting go. And moreover, the society gets hurt with this sort of behaviour. We just don't see the truth that the problem is always within, but others are just a mirror to show us our own problems. I hope I have written this in a way that you can understand.

[Ponder]

A very interesting world view and yes, I thought you explained it quite well Berry. Acceptance is indeed key. Instead of using words like "tearing apart" - I attempt to think in terms of "reaching out." I am feeling and seeing more a strong sense of resistance in myself and others as I make a mindful effort not to react during my day to day communications with those to whom I speak. Your analogy about the mirror rings true for me.

I am coming to see that helping others is a great way to move forward. I also see it's very challenging. Intent is something I have to remind myself of in that regard. More so that I need check on my own state to ensure I am able enough to help another. The person I am helping now is more or less a close copy to where I was when I made a genuine intent to take on the pain when I had decided I had enough of suffering. I use that reflection to remind myself of just how far I have come. In that sense, I reach out, while the other resists and pulls apart on topics they are not ready to discuss and or take on. Best any of us can do when helping others is to guide without the pushing or pulling. Truth be told ... I'm still resisting in many areas as I cross likewise mirrors ... BUT - simply being aware of such concepts as reflections, acceptance and so on is really positive stuff. How we hold such ideals largely affects the outcomes regarding comfort and suffering. I am learning to accept that both attributes can not exist without the other, however the levels of each one can be adjusted so that one is more often felt than the other and or that both are more easily endured without the need to rely so much on the other.

Less pain is required in order to appreciate the peace within, whilst more pain is required in order to know that peace exists. The more I nestle in comfort, the more I am prone to see it quickly fade. This world has created many suppressants that keep us nestled in such illusions, which ultimately results in much suffering. So it is that I myself learn to embrace discomfort in order that I can actually experience less pain and longer lasting peace.

Keeping a constant check on my own state - plays a vital role in that. So it was that yesterday I told my new found friend that I could only spend X amount of time with them. Thankfully I was able to do it in a positive way that was mutually beneficial to us both. Helping others is very much key ... but also is helping ones self.

About the Negative Thinking Patterns:
I'd like to share this link: Click here → ASMR Role Play (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ_83deKTSI&index=21&list=PL1OPyJWm858Jyn_EkJr5rjv1uin1MUvQ3) - Its about breaking negative thinking patterns as well as how and endless cycle can form.

If your not weirded out with the ASMR concept - there might be something of interest in this video. I found it relaxing myself. :)

Thanks for letting me share with you. Look forward to hearing more.

PS - "Letting Go" is such a cliche in the west and often misinterpreted. I think many people mistakenly see it as Giving Up ... when really it is imo more about Opening Up. Like Mindfulness is often misunderstood - it actually takes quite an effort which is why most people are stuck in their comfort zones which eventually lead to that cycle of infinity where the mind knows no end.

I've been having little break through simply by practicing moving from one thought to another in an attempt to break that cycle of the other. Now whilst I may enter into a new cycle, it is in the catching (observing) and practicing of leaping from one to the other that I am seemingly improving on my ability to move on. Again though ... this is only something that comes through practicing and your dead right that we can not force others to do what only they can do for themselves.

Thanks again ... you explained yourself really well. :)

[Ponder]

PS - Thank You for not deleting your posts! I hear ya on that score. :)

[BerryBamboo]

I said tearing it apart, I imagine the problems I cling to as a wall in my mind, and I imagine I am tearing down these walls by seeing what's behind them, and by figuring out why couldn't I see them before. And about that video, if it is about hypnotism, yes I am weirded out.

What relaxes me the most is listening to birds chirp and feeling the first rays of the sun in the mornings...

[Ponder]

pretty much the same meaning to me Berry ... resistance - fighting for a breakthrough. Hypnosis only works if you allow it too. It's not about anyone trying to control another. Once that is understood, the concept can be a very powerful and useful tool.

Yes I like those kind of things as well.

[foreman]

I Think this its wrong because the society its programes in such a negative way

[BerryBamboo]

I have watched The Mentalist, a nice TV Show, if what you mean is anything like that, yeah sure. But I don't want anyone in my head, and anything making me sleepy, I can't even take drugs that make me sleepy. I have a big issue about feeling drowsy. I told you I chose to suffer. When it surfaces, I go through my issues one by one, I don't force it, or I don't try to turn them into positive or negative, or making them into mental pictures, I try my best to see the truth, no matter how ugly, or how distorted it is. And I do it this way, so that in life I will continue to see the truth in the spot, and I hope I will no longer need to deal with them when they surface, I want to deal with them when they present themselves directly, and without having to distort my reality, I will fix them immediately. One can always hope, right?!

I have thought about hypnosis a while before. I wanted to try it. Actually I wanted to learn it to see my memories clearly in my head. But I need to go a long way to dabble with that, I am not even sure I will have made way enough for this. And about other usage of hypnosis, if I was into tricking my reality, sure. But I am not. And a part of this reason is coming from Sahaja Yoga, I was with them a long time, maybe I never left. And I saw a lot of positive things there, and it is based on awareness, since we are sharing videos, I would've shared one but as it turns out I need 25 posts for links, whatever, if you search this, you can find the link yourself; "Sahaja Kundalini 5 minute Guided Meditation"

[cloudy black]

Berry Bamboo
no that is ok. i can get ott at times in my posts especially if the anxiety dialogue is running. yes a similar thing in that i dont really know how i am until i am around people. i mean i just get into a ticking over kind of thing when i am on my own. and yes i so so get you regarding seeing through people..it is very disconcerting at times.

this i guess is why i find being around people for any length of time quite a challenge. yes it is hard to be expressive in a world where the status quo is the way that we are supposed to be.

yes understanding is great. i have had to go my own way in life as like you i find it way too painful to be around people at times. when i am experiencing difficulty with the mh.

its good to chat.

[cloudy black]

From Cloudy Black; "for me life needs to be about thinking about others and helping others and in that we help ourselves we get to know ourselves", sorry it took me for a while to think. Lets be honest here. Life is not just about helping others, it is also about hurting others. People don't learn anything if you keep helping them. In my experience, people never helped me, they always hurt me, and I learned a lot because of this. And I tried to help them all the time, and they became worse and worse, they hurt me more. So, I gave up on helping others. If someone really needs help, they give off signals to catch your attention anyway. And helping someone is such a responsibility, but most of all, it is a great deal of responsibility to yourself. Because you learn a lot, you face a lot of things about who you are. If there are a lot of unknown aspects, then it is most likely you end up getting hurt, which is cool, that's when you see the truth.

It's really a harsh truth of nature. Strength always comes from tearing apart weakness. But if you are not aware of the truth, you end up tearing apart someone else. Because we see our problems in other people. This could be why we all share the same patterns we can't break. We see our weakness in someone else, and we try to destroy that weakness in someone else, which is a really pointless action but we take it anyway. Because it is easier, because we have the illusion of clinging to power, rather than letting go and finding true strength. And in time, we get powerful from tearing apart others, and they get weaker because they believe in everything they are told, rather then letting go. And moreover, the society gets hurt with this sort of behaviour. We just don't see the truth that the problem is always within, but others are just a mirror to show us our own problems. I hope I have written this in a way that you can understand.

i try not to hurt others but i can end up doing it as i do have a ruthless streak ...not sure how to actually name it. i speak my truth and it can be eye watering at times i think. dont get me wrong i will do my best not to continue to enable a friend to carry on in negative behaviour and this has lost me friends over the years.

i will go so far with people and then i think 0k time to leave them to it, because otherwise i would get dragged down too. helping people is about being there for them it is not about enabling a negative behaviour pattern.

i have compassion for people who are so lost in their way of being that is so not working, but i have to balance that with keeping my own mh healthy. yes it is always a risk when you travel with someone. it is the quality not the quantity.

interesting thing about seeing stuff in others that we really do not like..these days i ask myself is there something about my stuff in this? yep it is so seductive to project our stuff onto people and not even realise that is what we are doing. so when an inner button is pressed then to me that means that i am not dealing with something.

i think of it like this friends tell you what you want to hear and enemies tell you what you need to know ..not quite as black and white as that..

life is a lesson we each can learn from each other however that is not always the positive feel good factor.

[BerryBamboo]

"Friends tell you what you want to hear and enemies tell you what you need to know". I like it!!! Maybe this is the reason I have lost a lot of friends myself. Why would they want to be with me!!? I say it as I see it, and I see a lot of things most people can't handle. But I lost friends because I couldn't say it as I saw it. I didn't want to. I believed in their need to keep holding on to weakness, clinging to things they don't understand, rather than understanding and letting go. It isn't healthy to hold on so tight. But fear is such a thing, you can't move on with fear, fear stops your energy, stops your movements. To gain your power, you choose to hold on to what you don't understand. My parents never understood me, they never understood themselves. They held on to me so tight, they wouldn't let go. So many mistakes, so many hurt because of it. Now I can't just figure out my own problems, my own pain, they are intertwined with my parents'. All they did was want things, they kept pushing their pain on me, they kept pushing their needs on me. They never saw, it wasn't my needs or pain, it was theirs. And I made such a mistake, I believed them, I believed it was supposed to be this way, I didn't challenge their perspective, I didn't push back. I didn't show them how wrong they were by not seeing me as who I am, only seeing me as their needs or pain made them see me like. They hated me, hated me so much, they didn't even see it. I didn't know what to do. I was so scared of everything I saw. I saw so much pain inside them. They are both from abusive families. Life was never kind to them. And they saw all their issues on me, put all their problems on me. It was really tough to live like that. A real psychological abuse. Now I am trying to correct the mistake I have done before. I am showing them the truth. And they are loving me for the first time for real. Not just with words, not just on the surface. Today mom finally told me she used to really hate me, she finally accepted the truth. It was a long time I have waited to hear this. It was therapeutic. It was, because I already knew how she felt, but she wanted to be a good person, so she would never admit that to herself before. Unfortunately, trying to be good, it is useless if you are not really honest with yourself. How horrible the truth, we have to accept it, deal with it. If we don't, we hurt others involuntarily, and we don't even know what we've done. And that's just sad.

[cloudy black]

gosh i can so relate to that although you know that streak i was on about well it rears it head from time to time..i just find myself saying what i have been thinking and as i get older it get harder not to!! still at least that saves on the christmas card list!!

yep fear stops ya all rightie. you can see it in others but can ya see it in yourself? i know that i am full of fear. if i wasn't then i would be living a different life altogether. i have gotten so tired chronically tired that when i was in my early twenty's i had a job to stay awake i was that depressed. it was amazing i didn't end up having a serious accident.

parents hey still as an adult you get to spend the rest of your life putting it right!! with regs to my parents i was so shut down it would have not made much difference o sure my mother is the queen of manipulation and it is constant so she is determined i will give her that!

i realised a while back that actually my parents very rarely ask me about my life. i kinda got used to it. so much so that when people ask me or remember something i have said i am always surprised like wow.

dont expect to get any help from your parents as i see it they are part of the problem and not the solution right now. and to be fair to them they are doing the best that they can going on what parenting they received themselves from their parents (your grandparents).

all you can do i guess is not to get pulled into that pain and yes at times it is unavoidable but for the most part just have compassion for them after all they are human at the end of the day.

wow just reading your post as i am typing it sounds like you are making huge progress with your mom. my mother is so emotionally cold i asked her once if indeed she was my mother.

the truth is and can be sad ..but as the saying goes the truth will set you free. you sound very wise and maybe just maybe you will actually be a source of healing for your parents.

you also sound brave i have never challenged my parents and now they are both not in good health ...so yes what you are doing is good it may help you later on when they are older and hopefully you will have got what i call the hardcore resentment out of the way

[BerryBamboo]

I am sorry for your parents. Yeah, I am trying to get rid of all the resentment but is it possible, it's funny you know, if you spend some time with us, you would say there is nothing wrong, but then people really can't stay with us long. They start suffocating with all the resentment. It is a miracle we survived together. How does that even work, a lot of space between us, probably.

[cloudy black]

my family on the surface looks pretty normal, but there is no real communication. with me the tension keeps building up inside of me and over the years i have gone back to my place. but that is more difficult to do these days.

gosh that is sad that people cant stay long with the family. but sadly your family aint unique its epidemic. not many people are good at communicating the real bread and butter things in life i reckon. all we can do as individual is to keep on keeping on. the only way is up!

[BerryBamboo]

It was a tough week. This thought kept nagging me: I'd never been good enough, they kept avoiding me, pushing me aside. And I realized when everything starts to get blurry or noisy (like a confusion, a storm in my mind dulling my senses), and I can't focus on myself or on something else, I feel I am not good enough, I am a failure. That's when it hits me. I get very anxious and hurt. My muscles hurt like hell. And I can't breathe. This was happening to me for a very long time every time I thought I was weak, I was not good enough. I didn't know. I wasn't aware. Because it wasn't this bad before. I wish there was some way of controlling this, I mean I wish I could get rid of it.

I am mad as hell. The only thing that makes me happy, and I can't even do it because of this. Physical exercise. It is like all I need. But I can't do it. Because this feeling isn't going away. Everything blurs into confusion and my muscles hurt so much. I just need to run, I need to skate, and I can't do it... :'( Damn it! It's tough. I can't even walk.

My peaceful place in my mind was always birds, and I can't buy one. Because I am allergic to birds. I can't sit with my neighbor, because I start choking all of sudden and really tense up, and I can't sit anymore and who would understand. I can't see any of my friends because I can't have fun like I used to. I can't read a book, the letters start to lose its focus and get jumbled. I had been studying literature in college once. It is so not fair. This whole thing, I am trying to get used to it, I still can't, even if it's been years.

Whatever. I am doing the best I can. I know. The good thing is, I am interested in everything. So, when I can't do one thing, I try another. And there is so much to do. But it is hard. Nowadays, like I said, I am trying to deal with very old pain I didn't even notice how much it was effecting me. Everything getting confusing when I feel weak or useless.

My parents used to fight a lot when I was a child. And I was always sick. And they wouldn't let me do anything or go anywhere. They were always afraid I would injure myself, or get sick. And I was very skinny, no one would ever let me play games because they would be really scared I would get injured. They would all underestimate me. And when they would let me play, I couldn't since I didn't know how to play... So, as you can imagine, it took me a while to find out who I am. Or what I like. And it was a little too late. Because I missed out on everything. And now when I try to do things, I think this pain is surfacing all over again. "You are weak, you are useless!"

I can't meditate. All the things I used to do, I can't do them anymore. People always ask me, "why are you this way, what is wrong with you, why won't you try to have fun, take lectures?" Honestly, I have no answers. More like I am tired of explaining myself to questioning people. They never stop!!! I am so afraid to talk to them. Because I will either scream or just collapse! It happened, you know. There are so little times I feel like myself again, and I definitely don't want to waste that time answering stupid questions. (You see me, I am right in front of you, why would you keep asking questions like you don't see I am having trouble with everything!!! Dumb-ass...)

Every time I think now I am fine, like it is over; I find everything is still hard to do. It is not a good motivation, finding yourself having a hard time moving all of a sudden.

Trauma can cause a lot of problems; coordination issues, speech difficulty, immune system disorders. And I went through a lot of traumas in my life. I guess I can't take it anymore :)

I am angry because I always blamed myself for being weak, being useless. I wish I could understand why. I know that people have a way of pushing away weakness, and hating it. Because they hate weakness in themselves and never deal with it. I wish I could understand why this isn't going away. Why do I still find myself hurt like that scared little kid who wouldn't understand anything, because all everyone did to her was push her away and tell her she was useless. Even with everything I do, it is never enough. I carried this too long. I guess I still don't know how to let it go. One day I hope I will figure it out.

[Ponder]

Instead of focusing on what you can't do, (which only seems to make you angry) how about thinking on what you can do? If your tired of telling your story, then perhaps you should change it? I once had a mind set that yelled and screamed when I first arrived in this forum. Once the steam cleared, I stopped blaming others and started working on what was within my control. I figured if I could walk to the bathroom to take a crap, I might be able to reach the letter box out my front door. From there I made it half way down my street and so on and on.

As for meditation - everyone has the ability to do it in some form or other no matter how fleeting. It's more a case that people choose to believe that they cannot do it in the same way people experience challenging events, but choose to dissociate as a form of copping. Once you have vented enough and the steam clears, you will be left with the same saga, unless you make the effort to change the story and work with what it is that you CAN do. Keep focusing on what you can't, and then you will only have yourself to blame - regardless of naming others.

[BerryBamboo]

No you don't understand, this is like my worst phobia. Accepting to do things my way. Every time I try, I start choking. It's like I can't. I don't know why. Someone always finds a way to kill my spirits. I am so damaged. And there is no one who can help me with this. All I can do is write about this stuff here or there... I am the one who is wrong! That's what they kept telling me. I am just wrong. Or maybe I do everything wrong. It is hard to differentiate... It is like a door slamming to my face. And I can't talk about it, which is why I am forcing myself to write. And it is helping.

[BerryBamboo]

All I did before was what they told me to do. And I did everything very well. Something changed. I don't know what. I can't do anything anymore, because it was always what they wanted. Everywhere I look, I see how wrong I was to do what they told me to do. I never knew myself. You can't know how hard this is, or maybe you can. I don't know. Breaking these fears one by one, I am afraid of everything. It's just this is a moment I am really stuck.

[BerryBamboo]

I was like everybody else. I took my drugs, I had fun with friends. I continued my life. I thought I was happy. But at one moment in my life, I was forced to see the truth. An epiphany! I don't know how else to explain this. Everything I tried so hard to suppress came crashing back. It was unbelievable. And everything people ever told me to do their way, I saw how wrong they were. For some reason this thing came back again, and making me hurt. And I am trying to sort it out. Reach it's deepest painful point: the reason I can't just let it go.

I am sorry I can't give you what you want. Because I am still trying. It is still not done. I found something, I found a different way. And I will see this through no matter what. I will not play this like everybody else, because I can't. Not anymore. My life is forcing me to do this. Everything is. Because the other option is to give up.

Help me with this. Don't be frustrated because I write horrifying things like I am always in a bad mood, or always can't move and stuff, they are just moments. And they come and go. If you can't, it is just fine.

[BerryBamboo]

My God. I saw it. I was different, I saw everyone hurting around me, I saw right through them. This made me hurt, too. And it is terrifying to see someone hurting. Not to deal with me, my pain, they pushed their weaknesses on me. They thought this was strength. To hold on to ridiculous things that kept them superficial. Do it this way or that way. Never an ending to this. They were never happy never peaceful this way but they kept wanting things from me. It was suffocating. Now I remember. I saw it all, but now I finally understand.

Never mind, I think I am done here. This was what I was looking for.

[Ponder]

Writing is good, your writing is good. Remind yourself of your title to keep perspective. I often struggled looking within, because I was too wrapped up with what was happening on the outside. It was easier to focus on others rather than myself. Until we make the effort to face ourselves and forget about what others think, we tend to keep chasing our tails. The good news is once we get sick of going over the drama of our lives, (external distractions and embellished anxiety)it becomes easier to focus on what matters. Our true selves.

Keep writing ... the more you write, the sooner you'll reach that point.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I have gave up and everything. And I saw your post, and wanted to write back. So I re-registered... Funny me, huh!

All my life I thought I was weak. But I was just hurt and upset because of all the pain around me. I thought I was weak!!! I understand this now. I couldn't before that last comment of mine... I am sure a lot will change in my life now. Because all this time I carried this weight. And now I am lighter. It's so weird. It's just weird...

[Ponder]

We are all in this boat together, however it's somewhat crowded and sinking. If more people self reflected as in here, we could lighten the load - by no longer clinging and reacting to other peoples projections. We can only carry people so far. Especially in a world focused on anything but the present - they are always stuck in the drama of past and future. A world that's only focused on pain or pleasure. One is better off learning to swim and leaving that boat far behind. Yep ... it can hurt to look back and see what we see, yet when we detach from the drama that's used to drive so many - like so, it's much easier to let go and discover what living really is. To discover just how easy it can be with no need for all that other - how rich we become to realize all we need is already within. Best we can do is guide others, but only when we are strong enough to keep ourselves a float.

Keep writing, because that's an excellent way to navigate in a void of unknowns.

You deserve to reach a point of relief. Well done! I'm getting a lot out of your posts. Thanks for sharing and please keep posting.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I wish it was over but there is more. This is not about me. This is about them. Well, half of it. They want to be weak, and they are pushing their weaknesses on me to keep me weak as well. (They are sinking and they want me to sink with them, because there is no other option they have.) And I don't know what to do. They confuse me. It is like all of sudden I doubt who I am and what to say. I think this is the reason anxiety engulfs me. Yesterday I am talking to my aunt on the phone, and she is going on and on about I should come visit her. It is so far out there, and I can't just handle all that road or stress. Not just the road, it is her. But I can't tell her that, because she never even breathes while talking, keep pushing me to come. You know how much nervous energy is pouring out of her mouth, I honestly get confused a lot listening someone talk like that... Which must be why I prefer to spend most of my time alone.

But then again, yesterday was a weird day.

I can't keep a cool head. I don't know why. Someone's nervous energy envelops me all of sudden, and I can't breathe. I'm not sure if I feel guilty or helpless, or both. It's like they are right and I am not. I am fine without them, no sick feeling at all. This must be another thing I hold on to. They are always right in that confusing storm of an energy... I have lived with such people a lot, and I still don't understand them. How do they think or act inside that much confusion?! Why would anyone hold on to such horrifying emotions? I must be feeling guilty, because I am the one who is supposed to be calm, and I can't keep my head. And I can't hold on to the same and act like them. This is who I am, if I can't find tranquility, I just start losing it. I want to stand anything, any situation, and I can't. Maybe it is just pain talking right now. But I have never been successful at it. That's why people always give up on me..................

...............Why is that?? Why can't I handle confusion? And they are fine in there? Why do I see pain, and all they see is emotions and normalcy? I wanted to be like them for long years. But I can't. And maybe it's just fine.

The only time I feel in control in a situation, when someone finally lets go of confusion, of pain, and accepts things. It is the only time I find peace with a person. And it is very rare, but at least I have that. When someone accepts who they are, it is like I am accepting myself the way I am. Who sees the depths of people, instead of their masks or their emotions on the surface.

[Kirk]

I think we all get sick of things at one time or another. I am 59 and if I made a list of all of the people that either lied, or gave me trouble
over the years, and the stories behin each issue, I could write a book. I will tell you one story. In September 2012, my mother passed at at age
81. I took of work for a day and went back the work the next day to keep my mind occupied. A client called me the day of my mothers funeral,
and I did not answer my cell phone. The next day I called him back and he asked me why I did not call him back the day before. I told him my mother
passed away the day before yesterday and the funeral was yesterday. His reponse was; when do you think my work will be completed? He offered no
sympathy whatsoever. He was garbage and had no feelings. Try to remember things like this occur and you have to show you can rise above the idiots
like this guy. Some people get pleasure from making fun and doing mean things to others. They are insecure. They call people names, like troll,
loser, etc. They are in reality the trolls, losers and not you. Remember that and say it to yourself when crap like this happens.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Yes, I am used to name calling, maybe because there is nothing I didn't hear from people, or maybe I heard too much of it, and understand why they do that. It's a defensive mechanism. They can't help it. They can go to hell all I know. What I am talking about is someone keeping me in their clutch and there is no way I can escape. Because I already feel I am weak, and I am useless, and they use it against me, and they are not even aware of it. They just do it instinctively. And I can't argue with instinct. I tried. Because they are not aware. No amount of logic is going to fix something you are not aware of. This is hard for me. My father raised me to be logical. And I don't know how to deal with someone who has no logic at all, because they are talking from a place of pain, and as I keep saying, you can't see the truth through pain. And they make me feel powerless. Because I don't know what to do. Even logical people have such failings. That's even worse when someone smart starts making no sense. I know I have the tools to deal with anything, but not to understand this sort of behavior, and how to respond has cost me too much.

"They are in reality the trolls, losers and not you." This is a vicious cycle, is it not? They call you a loser, and you call them losers. This is what I am talking about. I can never behave like this. It must be insulting to them me not acting like them. Or not acting like myself at least...

[Kirk]

I agree with you. I to have trouble dealing with people I can't reason with. It can be very upsetting having to deal with people that treat you poorly
or people you can't talk to or reason with. Logic means nothing to some people and you would be better off trying to reason with an animal than them.
I also agree with you that it can be vicious cycle. I try to surround myself and deal with people I like being with and avoid those that treat me poorly or with no respect.
However, sometimes you can't avoid the bad apples, so I would try to ignore them and maybe they will eventually back off. It won't be easy, but if
you practice enough over time, it will become easier for you to deal with. Keep saying to yourself you are not weak and this will make you stronger.

[Ponder]

Where you say "I know I have the tools to deal with anything, but not to understand this sort of behavior, and how to respond has cost me too much." reminds me of a few tips that have helped me.We don't need to understand everything. Intellect can often be our worst enemy. Often we think ourselves into the pain of which you talk. Often refereed to Monkey Mind. Venting has had it's place in the past for me, but once I worked out how much easier it is to let go through knowing we don't have to know; life has been less stressful since. If I keep resisting through justifications and constant reasoning, then the issues I claim of others then become my own. I am then really know better off and in fact taking on their pain as my own. The only logic that matters, is the ability to feel what's going on inside yourself and learning to ride with that. So it's not so much about "How to "see" what's going on inside" - but more so how to "feel"what's going on inside. Logic will only impede on that.

That's my take on trying to understand anything within our insensate thinking. With regard to "responding" during those times of no understanding ... this is my biggest hurdle of all. The best method I know that works, is not to respond as all during situations like that. Removing myself is my first point of call, however the stronger I become, the more I am able to observe whilst remaining present on scene as well as in myself. During those times I stay and do not feed into the situation, I see just how much I need to be careful of not taking on peoples pain. If I continue to wine and bitch about them, I then know that I have missed the mark and their problems have become my own.

So it is that I remind myself that I need not understand everything and in many cases responding only makes things worse. I don't seek to see, but more so feel what's going on inside. If banging my head against a wall is not working, I simply don't do it anymore. Monkey mind is as deceptive as the food we eat. For the most part it's killing us, but we can't feel it, because we are too busy looking for the taste. Perhaps the latter obscure.

I'll leave you to it.

All the best sorting out your issues - or as you say, their issues.

I best go work on my own.

[cloudy black]

yes keep on writing. it is in our struggles that we become stronger. keep who you are.. its a kind of candle flame that flickers, other people can and do intrude on our space. and with life it is good to set personal boundaries emotionally, spiritually, financially. then you wont get buffered by the storms of life quite as much ...notice i said quite as much...we can lessen other peoples negative stuff and its affect on us..especially family.

take each day as it comes. you sound sensitive in reg to others peoples drama. which is why i mention setting personal boundaries. arh emotions people do actually get addicted i am sure of constant drama and emotionally charged way of being. you are noticing this and what you are aware of is other peoples unconscious behaviour. which is what it sounds like with your auntie.

truth is painful but you have woken up from the unconscious behaviour patterns and are questioning it and that is good. however it is a lonely place and painful. but like i said keep on talking here. and the other thing about unconscious behaviour is that others respond in the typical way you have witnessed so you have lets use your antie as an example ok she talks this way and the rest of the family go with that. they continue to enable her to be like this, now dont get me wrong your family dont do this deliberately and this is why i call it unconscious behaviour knee jerk response to stimulae.

and now you can see this. it is driving you nuts! the most useful thing you can do is to work on yourself and by changing yourself you will start to change others. i say this because i experienced this with my mother. if you challenge people about their behaviour they just dig in that is what i realised.

you sound like you need to start looking for authentic people and do you know the best way to do that? that is by continuing with getting to know yourself better and that will change you and other people will be drawn to that. again i have found this to be true.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Well, I am not really looking for more people in my life right now. But yeah. I know the same patterns draw others towards you. That's what I call love or hate. Not sure if the kind of people I need are around here... And I have wasted enough time to look for friends, which is another reason I didn't spend more time figuring things out about myself. Yes it is lonely. That's what I like about it. I am not good at talking. And trying to figure things out, I am mostly in my head lately. So, it wouldn't be fair to anyone.

Yes they are addicted to drama. And I am done trying to be more the same. I just have a problem with this because I hate hurting someone's feelings. It's weird. People who look like they can take on anything, they are always hurt with me. Which must be one of the reasons I thought I was a horrible person. I don't know how to say no or how to explain why something is not good for me. Because every time I tried to be honest with a person, they either gave up on me or they were so angry or upset. That's why it is so much easier to talk here. More like write it.

Pretending is so easy. Acting like everything is fine, charming people with my smiles and charming words... No one ever sees me for who I am if I don't want them to, because it is so easy for me to do this. Hiding. But ever since that turning point in my life, I've yearned to be honest and open. And understand myself instead of giving people what they want. It was so easy because I didn't think they deserved the truth. I didn't think they deserved to see me. What I didn't know, how much this was hurting me.

This must be why they always called me ridiculous names that wouldn't even come close. Because they really didn't know me. And I didn't care. Because the truth was too painful to talk about. And people don't believe me I could carry so much pain inside. And people can't handle pain. I knew this very well from childhood. And there were times I tried to talk, and they wouldn't listen or don't understand. So, I always hid. And obviously it backfired. Instead of knowing me, instead of showing me how to be strong, they put more of their weakness on me, and they hurt me more.

Yes, trying to deal with them, means taking on more of their pain, of their weaknesses. Till a few days ago, I blamed myself for this. I thought I was weak, that's why they did this to me or I did this to myself. But now I know no one did anything to each other. It was just circumstance.

People without logic, they never care what they do who they hurt. People with logic, they know who they hurt, but they have nice logic behind it. They feel or don't feel. It doesn't matter. No one sees the truth about themselves. And everything that comes from deep within, it is always based on pain, which means, it is never the truth... When I understood this the first time, I almost lost my mind. Thank God, I am strong!

You wouldn't believe the situation I am in. But I am not going to talk about it. I wish I could remove myself from the situation, oh how would I like that!! But I can't. I mean I am pretty remote, but still it isn't going away... Because it isn't up to me. I am pretty sharp about final decisions. If it was up to me, it would be so much simpler. I never question myself after a decision, never second guess myself. Because it takes me a long time to decide, and I review all the facts, so why bother looking back after... So, this is a bust...

Thank you for all your support. I used to do this by myself. I used to keep journals, and swear and scream and cry to them. And when I was done with them, burned them. But this is better. At least I am getting feedback. And can't run from it by burning it or deleting it. :) :) :)

[Berry-Bamboo]

Oh my God! I know why I felt weak. Because I was always put in situations that the outcome of it, was never up to me. This is it. This is why I can't say no to people. Most like, why I can't find the courage to say no, especially when the control is not in my hands. What is this, another pain... Jeez...

[Ponder]

Makes me think of the Serenity Prayer. (http://proactive12steps.com/serenity.htm)
Edited to find a proactive version that seeks to take responsibility for self; not pass it onto something else.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Where did you find this Serenity Prayer? It is describing me!

[Ponder]

I just wanted to put some kind of positive spin into the mix to show you that we always have a choice. I thought after reading through your very well thought out posts, that the Serenity Prayer might have something to offer. How I found this particular version was simply by typing in google - Secular Serenity Prayer. I saw the word proactive listed about 3rd way down the list and went with that one. After reading, I thought it might be appropriate for you to consider.

I think your doing really well with your writing here. It's also helping me quite a bit too. TY.

[Berry-Bamboo]

It's beautiful! Thanks for finding this for me! I downloaded the book, when I read it, I'll write about what I think.

[Ponder]

Yes - I too have downloaded that book. - for those looking on, click on image to find a short description of the book and link to free PDF:
___________________________________


The Proactive Twelve Steps for Mindful Recovery
So much more powerful IMO - since taking the religious tone out of it.

https://c3.staticflickr.com/8/7412/28059550946_d29c069b9e_n.jpg (http://lifesherpabooks.com/proactive12steps/)


I'll be making a post on this most excellent find myself in another thread.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I have always observed human or animal behaviour. I have observed nature. I didn't understand anything. This pushed me to be an outsider. It's like I was frozen while everyone lived their lives. And all the things I didn't have a clue about, created a huge pain inside me. I felt them, but I didn't understand them. Because I was incapable of behaving like them. I didn't have a way about things. And this caused me too much doubt and inability to show straight emotions to make myself known and get accepted. Who knows, maybe I will struggle with this my whole life.

Overwhelming fear=denial. How simple, how elegant. Interesting book. I couldn't cope so I lived in denial...

[Berry-Bamboo]

This is funny, I used to do this like "my codependency towards this person scares me because..." Person, emotion, situation, and the reason of this so I can continue breaking it apart. That's what I called pain purging. Yeah, I was going to write a book about it, I guess someone beat me to it :)

[Ponder]

Don't let that stop you. Just write your own version of it. : )

"It's like I was frozen while everyone lived their lives." Your comment there makes me think of the "deer caught up in headlights moment" spoken about in the book.

[Berry-Bamboo]

As a higher power in the steps, I believe in the energy that surrounds us, connects us, I believe in spirituality. Not much of a religious person, but I believe in God. I just think heaven and hell are right here, on Earth. Because after all the pain I had to deal with, and all the beautiful things I have witnessed after all my hard work and struggles. Not much of a stretch, is it?

And I believe we can't always see why we are living these lives this way, so painful and harsh. I think nature doesn't want to punish us, or reward us. But as long as we are on the right path of figuring out who we really are, the energy gives us what we need as long as we know what we need.

[Berry-Bamboo]

It is still not enough, I am not done with the structure of what I do to get better. If I can complete this, I will definitely write it. But for now, they are just notes or advice for whoever needs a quick fix here.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Weak and strong, this is the issue I keep thinking of lately. "How did people always manage to back me into a corner of denial all the time??" Because they were always looking at me from a strong position, and they forced me into a weaker position. I didn't want to hurt anyone, and they didn't care. In the end, they would pressure me so much, and I could only scream one word, stop or shut up. Not very helpful I know. I wanna break that cycle.

"Strong now says to weak, we are in it together." I have read this and automatically manipulation came to my mind, and there is a note under, this is not manipulation :) Yeah, tell that to the "strong" people! If someone tells me this, I wouldn't trust it. Because when someone feels you are backed into a corner, they change tactics and this time they start working on your emotions. And assurances are always key points in manipulation.

Letting God guide you? This might sound weird but I let my pain guide me. I never wanted to choose a position as in weak or strong in my life. This didn't make any sense to me. Because I didn't let my pain be my point of view. I wanted to know the truth no matter what. But I guess this didn't matter in the long run. I kept getting pushed aside, and get hurt. So, I was categorized as weak.

I couldn't live in the light, or in the dark. I can't choose these things. Because there is no choice! There is not only positive or negative. But if you are clinging to one thing, that means... Weakness! Whatever it is you are clinging to, it is always weakness! Because when you cling, you are not really acknowledging your strength. Because you are not really purging your pain to see the truth about whatever it is you are running from, whatever it is you are in denial for.

I like that, "Inner Power, Higher Power". That's how I see, we are all connected in a way, it is amazing. This is something I have witnessed the first time I meditated very deeply in Sahaja Yoga. I was a kid and the way the doors were opening up to me, letting me see. I didn't even believe in God till that moment. Because I never felt like that before. But I can't talk to them like this, I can't talk to anyone like this. Because everyone clings to some kind of idea, and they don't recognize another. Which is a shame because the truth never comes from one perspective. You have to see them all to understand. Look wider somehow. I don't know, is this making any sense to you?

[Ponder]

Yes. I am pleased to be picking up on like minded sentiments here, like your take on the spiritual process regardless of how either of us or another terms imo what is more like on old worn out word; God.

The day is getting on for me, therefore I must admit my ability to process is slowing down : )

Just going over your insight on manipulation and I am sure you have an excellent point (I need to go over it later to better digest [more my issue]) but for now with my limited mind set and daily tasks beckoning, hmmmmm - Strong and the Weak ... I can only think of Nature right now. Somehow detachment comes to mind as well - more so learning when and where with the emphasis on promoting a strategy that benefits both sides of the equation. I've had to fight all my life and am now running a charity that helps the weak. Yet in that process strength is developed through more awareness than it is focused on the manipulative practices of those who typically administer from the side of greed and or a need to be in continual control.

Not sure that reflects any of your meaning, but just feeding back what comes to my mind in its limited state. My apologies if I fail to comprehend your view on such a matter as I appreciate how much the issue of Weak and Strong mean to you at this time. I will continue to read when time allows. Is good for me too. TY.

Again, I really enjoy your take on the spiritual side of things. Letting God Guide you - Sigh ... I actually have to cut and run now. I have a heap to say on that ... perhaps when I have time later on. I hear you loud and clear on that.

Keep on keeping on.
Here's to a good day/evening to us both.
Dave.

[Berry-Bamboo]

There was this line somewhere I heard; "God helps those who help themselves." I loved it very much. It is telling me I have to work for it, and nature will take care of the rest. And yes. Your words are always meaningful.

[Kirk]

i have heard the same saying and I believe it to be true.

[Ponder]

For much of the same reason the book was reworded, I find it more beneficial to give credit where credit is due. Now that I mention it, that also sounds familiar. In general, I find religious sentiments quite vague when used in a recovery format. (at all) Again, this is why I love this book so much. The problem I have found with the phrase "God helps those whom help themselves." Is the way in which it's usually projected. The universe makes no claims, whilst the other carries with it many conditions. I have found helping myself comes from my own experiences and perceptions and has absolutely nothing to do with any kind of divine intervention. When things fall into place, I give myself credit and show gratitude to those people, places and things I know exist.

"Just give it to God" - yet another of the many phrases that pretty much shifts responsibility from self when the going gets tough. If God works for you, then I wish you all the best. I'm all ears for proactive quotes that empower individuals without the need for reference to external divine sources. That kind of thing is best suited to a religious or spiritual forum.

Having said that though, I'm open to spiritual topics that do not make any great claims. If we help ourselves, it is us that will go on to help others - Not God - perhaps we could break down this notion of a divine entity and then go onto ponder how we are ourselves gods experiencing this life in whatever manner for whatever reason and that by going on to help others ... yadda yadda ... that then we can perceive that in such a light many Gods are working as one to help many others and that we are all drops in an ocean acting as one and yadda yadda ... to what end ... yadda yadda.

I find it rarely helps in recovery based format - although has its place no doubt in another realm. Many of which I have no doubt already visited. :)

Please forgive me for babbling on. Happens when we bring God into an equation that really does not add up.

Edit - for whomever was PMing me ... you can now try again as I just emptied my Inbox.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I think it is helping :) This is so refreshing for me, you have no idea. I wrote about it because it was in the book, and because I am not really afraid to be challenged at all. On the contrary, I welcome it. Don't you see! All the ideas about higher power, all the ideas about inner power, it is all the same! Everything is the same, but they are all looking through different directions at the same problem!!! Scientists, theologians, psychologists,... If all these ideas were to come together like they did in my head, you would see, they are all the same! They all complete what we are trying to see. But it doesn't matter. It was just a mention. Let's carry on about personal issues.

It's like a curse, I can't see one thing, I see all. They are all connected in my mind. To learn one thing, I have to learn everything... Otherwise it doesn't make any sense to me. That must be why college didn't work for me. Working on one thing, it confused me like nothing ever did...

[Berry-Bamboo]

By the way, I think we don't feel safe because of other people. When we believe others are not trying to hurt us, they are living their lives like we do, and it is all fine, we feel safe again. Somehow this safety issue gets challenged when we don't understand emotional connections between us, or there are just things that we are afraid to admit. As always.

To be challenged is so great, what I am afraid of, when they push me away, and shut me out. It's like I don't have a place to exist anymore at that moment. That's how I lived anyway. There is no way, I know what I am talking about, that's what they implied. This is really hurtful. I don't mean to anyone this is what you are making me feel like, these past feelings are just surfacing. And I am trying to sort them out.

[gypsylee]

Hey there,

I just had a look at the OP (haven't read the comments) and god, I agree 110%. I have had to try and be someone I'm not almost my entire life. I've been shamed by my parents (especially my mother) for decades (I'm 42). Just one big f@#$ing disappointment.

Anyway I wanted to say thank you for writing that and welcome here :)

[Berry-Bamboo]

"I strive to find my motivation in a deeper sense of who I really am, rather than fear and defensiveness." If denial is fear, than defensiveness is just suppressed anger, but the defensive here isn't the same as in defensive arts, it is more like, what do they call it, passive-aggressive. And we all know we act offensive when we are really angry. There is a connection to this about feeling safe. When I feel safe, I don't feel defensive or offensive. I am not angry at all! Because there is nothing I don't understand at that moment, nothing that has surfaced anyway.

We don't understand a behaviour of someone, and we reflect it back. Someone is offensive, and you get defensive. Of course the reflection doesn't happen exactly the same, just in connection with each other. Emotions are the connections. Someone is angry, you get angry, someone is afraid, you get afraid, stuff like that. If someone is understanding, the tension in the room automatically clears. Because the connection is not distorted anymore, it is not stressful. It is smooth. And it works. No longer unsafe. No more fight or flight. You are at ease.

This is fascinating to me.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Thanks Gypsylee!!

[Berry-Bamboo]

I have seen this behaviour too. "If apologizing is a way to make you feel smug and superior (like playing a game of "I'm a better person than you"), then it's probably not appropriate." Some people did this to me. It was really funny. It's just another form of manipulation. Telling me I am inferior to them.

Apologizing is not that hard. "I'm sorry." See it's easy. Of course telling people what is the real reason to your behaviour, that's the hardest part. Saying sorry doesn't always work. Someone has to understand you, otherwise it is just a meaningless word.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I love this; "I stay in touch with a broader sense of who I really am, and a deeper sense of what I really want." Through the years I have been off track of who I am and what I want. I am someone who can't live on the surface, and be satisfied by one side to life. And I want to know the truth about why I am here, what is life, why I am the person who I am. I guess this about sums it up.

Rain dance :) Man, that was funny!

Reaching out to someone who is in denial is the toughest thing ever. They are defensive, they are offensive. It's like I can't crack that armour. And they look at me like I am this disgusting thing. Because they are afraid. But it still hurts me.

I am on my Hero Journey! Nice. I love science fiction and supernatural movies. That's helped me a lot to cope when I felt powerless. I used to watch Smallville and Superman movies. Nowadays I am not really that into them anymore. I guess finding my power inside me is more intriguing now.

Spiritual awakening, some call this self-realization. Reaching this level of understanding and seeing the world and yourself as one and connected thing, that is hard. I still struggle with it. It's all about timing, though. Everything happens when you are ready for them.

I finally finished reading and commenting on the book. Yes, it is a nice guide for people who can't go through this on their own and reach spiritual awakening.

[Ponder]

The rain dance sums up my point about limiting beliefs. It also points out how things are not the same for diffrent people.

Recovery is much more than nodding in awe with those things we profess to agree with.

I live for challenges. (In knowing when to push and when to not) It's all about taking it to the next level. This requires that we often step outside our comfort zone.

Some of us just need a little help.

Glad your enjoying the book.

Let me know if you find another like it.

Take care now. I leave you to coninue in your new disoveries with gypsy.

You can find me in Dave's Space or elsewhere in the forum.

Adios.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Don't be a stranger :)

[Berry-Bamboo]

Right now, I am trying to admit to myself that we have to be vulnerable to face our weaknesses. This is hard for me. No one ever taught me such a thing. For them we have to be strong and hidden and perfect. They never taught me real strength. This is more of a trial and error for me. I keep pushing myself to continue my journey.

By the way, could you please steer me to the right direction in hypnotism and dealing with subconscious mind. But something only informative, not actual hypnotism. Please. I don't want to freak out. If I do, everything starts getting blurred. But I think it is time I understand this concept. I don't want any holes in my reasoning.

[Ponder]

Are you open to learning about self hypnosis? I can "suggest" a few paths that I have found very self empowering. Once you understand hypnosis only works on those who allow it, then it is not as stereotyped to be some controlling mechanism that many are miss lead to believe. (The latter being more the entertainment side of things)

I have some good books "on the process and how it's applied to self healing". I could PM and link you up once I sort out the details ... when I have time. Other than that, I could link you to the books and or some "informative" website on self hypnosis, it's application and healing processes.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I want to learn about accessing subconscious mind. But more than that, I want to learn about everything there is to know about the mind. I just don't know where to start.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I would love some books on stuff like this. But again, I am not sure I will try hypnosis on myself...

[Ponder]

Find a comfortable chair that you can sit upright in. Face the early morning and or late afternoon sun in a comfortable atmosphere. Start by concentrating on your breath and forgetting everything else that resides in your head. I found that the best place to start. ;)

Whether it be Self hypnosis, Astro Traveling / OBE - or Taking Iowaska - All roads lead to some form of disassociation/disconnection. Learn how to disconnect from ones mind is key to accessing what lays beneath.

NLP is also another way to not only access your subconscious but also a way to control it. Yet things like intention with a spiritual tone can expands ones knowledge beyond the dry sience - ultimeaty one must practice through personal experiences. Setting goals and self assessments plays a part in such.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming

That's just off the top of my head. I wish I could be of more help. I'm always learning and claim not to really "know" at any rate. : )

I must get going ... but if you have anything to share or findings you come across, please let me know also. I am big on that sort of thing when it comes to recovery work and or living without meds.

Thanks Berry - Have a nice day.

[Berry-Bamboo]

"NLP's creators claim a connection between the neurological processes (neuro-), language (linguistic) and behavioral patterns learned through experience (programming), and that these can be changed to achieve specific goals in life." I believe the same thing. There is a connection alright! And I have been changing those patterns to change my life for 8 years now. But like you say, it is better to keep learning.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Yeah, forget about the NLP. I have started reading this; http://www.thegeniewithin.com/lesson-1 I knew it! I am altering my subconscious mind without hypnosis! It's so interesting, because I didn't know what subconscious mind even meant! Somehow I am deprogramming all the useless clutter in there. This is so gonna work! I will keep reading.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I knew it, our lives are based on absorbed useless patterns by the subconscious mind. None of it is real. Why live like this. I am finding this difficult to swallow.

[Ponder]

Excellent link. TY. For me, I see all forms of NLP, self hypnosis and imagery all combined with bio-feedback with the intent for participants to allow themselves to be influenced in such a manner. I have read much about Hypnosis. Every human and animal is exposed to some form of hypnosis every day of their life. Our basic structure of communicating, is by nature; hypnotic. The pace, tone, the way we move, use our eyes, gesture and so on - down to the ambient sounds and the way background objects move. Perception Management on the media and on the streets via signage, audio (the four states) are all employed to make humans consume and live to another's agenda ... all this is done without most even knowing or really caring. That's the biggest stage performance of all. Food for thought.

I like the expansion into mind and body being one. Nothing really new, however to bring the science into on such a level sounds interesting enough. However I myself am careful not to loose my connection with body, by way of the the atypical emotional trigger that often comes with offerings on how to become better through the study of this of that knowledge. More meaning, it is far better to put into practice what we knows works with self ... not by relying on the findings of what others have to say through examples far removed. Again - much of what I am reading on that page I know to be true, however I also know how it's been used. The results are often negative and destructive when people are looking for quick fixes. Leaving many in an empty shell and a planet with little left to give. Yet, those same tools can be utilized to overcome our biggest addictions and restore our health. Coming to know the true meaning of health is as difficult as giving up the comfort of our addictions.

Any of all that is being claimed within such a tool box of wonders, will only ever come to benefit the individual, when they come to know what real health is - through personal experience. Some people like to quack like a duck, whilst others quack without knowing they do it - then there are those few who take the next step and start to explore for themselves without the need for others to do it for them. That's when the real magic begins. :)

We need to define for ourselves, lest we stay confined in the definitions of others. Learning to define what we ourselves want in a world bent on manipulation and control is no easy feat. I guess that is why there are those who believe it takes more than one life. I have no idea - and as far as my subconscious goes ... I'm just content to know the healthier I get, the more in tune it is with me. Finding the space in between is the sweet spot where I come close to being OK with not knowing at all. From there I begin to run purely on my senses. To look into the sun with eye lids shut and feel the connection between that ball of fire my veins and pumping heart. Some of the science/knowledge helps me to envisage creatively, yet ultimately it is the consistency and intention of my practice that gives real meaning to the experience, with that latter term being the key to bring about a real sense of peace for finding such moments where I feel completely free. In such moments, I am much more than my body - I'm yet to take it a step further ... but I think I am pretty close. :) I allow myself to be like so and employ many self hypnosis techniques, bio feed back, (more so with the earth - the less reliant on technology the better. I now know that as someone who's been using bio-feedback for like 10 years)and all the other methods commonly sold. I just redefine the terms after experimenting for myself.

Anyways - srry also as I mean not to crash your thread. That link was a good find. I have favourited. TY. I'm always gleaning with each breath. :)

I will think more about your question in my thread - re weight loss.

Yep - good topics you come up with!

[Berry-Bamboo]

You say I am a duck and I don't know which language I am speaking just yet! Yes. I am learning.

I like that, we need to redefine ourselves in a world of manipulation and control.

What that's like using bio-feedback? I have heard it many times, and I'm curious.

[Berry-Bamboo]

There was something off about this whole thing, I would never find the right time to understand it if it wasn't for your efforts. It makes sense now. All the times I told myself at night about to sleep what I needed to do in the morning, and I woke up without difficulty and with clarity of purpose. All those times somehow finding a state of mind, not sleeping or not awake, but in between, and going through answers in my head, instead of dreaming when I lie down. I've been doing this a long time without knowing what I was doing. And I know when it doesn't work. When there is doubt in my mind about what I want for myself. When I am not sure of myself. That's when my issues started. I mean they were always there, it's just I became mostly aware of them at one point. When I couldn't get out of bed. When I couldn't find purpose. And I know why. Because my subconscious mind was too stuffy to grant me any more of my wishes. That's the reason I spent a couple of years suspended in alpha state of mind, and couldn't sleep, not really, and not really conscious. But hearing and aware of my surroundings. It was a difficult time. Now the thought of it doesn't hurt anymore because I know what it means...

[Ponder]

That's sounds right on the mark to me as well. That's quite an insight you share there. It really is in the knowing - or more so; the coming to know that is crucial to me. The more I struggle with calculative placement of my thoughts in order to control, stress begins to build.

IMO you have summed it up very nicely ... that even though it's sharing your experience, I can still see what you mean. Believe me when I say I struggle to comprehend from other peoples perspective. Thinking in those terms, you must be spot on!

I suffer a high levle of both ADHD and ADD. I mean not to side track from your masterful insight above (I give it high praise because it means so much to me) - but if I could waffle a little which helps me with placing my thoughts. (lol re my earlier comment about doing such as we strive to control - goes to show that some forms of control are not a bad thing when we aim for a balanced approach)

Hmmm - Staying in sync with how doubt and indecision disrupt our tune - Remember the into part of The Proactive Twelve Steps starting off by stating how important it is that we find something of interest to look forward to? I think this a a crucial part to helping us find the right chemical balance that sets up successful and sustainable intent! Think of it like a runner fixing his feet into his blocks. The better we set the foundation with our intent based on something we can look forward too, the more effective our journey will be as we go from one step to the next. For me, it's like taking positive thinking and taking it to the next step by keeping it real/grounded, which is where filtering our the hype of misguided intent helps to slow my racing thoughts ... it helps quiet my mind so I can then let go and actually sleep.

The Alpha State for me is a like a zone where both negative and positive effects still take place. Remaining lucid with positive intent helps to give me creative control, whilst giving in to doubt and indecision tends to see me run myself into the ground. This happens with everything I do whether awake or not. My predisposition with hyperactivity and short term attention which is constantly triggered with high levels of cortisol which is like being on steroids constantly throughout the day. This is like a manic state that stays with me as I angst with either depressive thoughts of what if and or stuck in future with " I want - I want" - and so on ... not to mention my negative reactions to environments outside my control. The later more to do with involuntary stresses many of us have to contend with whether we wish of it or not. The Serenity Prayer and that book providing insights on how to deal with such.

Srry , I lost track - but that's OK ... slightly annoying is all. :)

Being aware of all these things as they relate to us personally is key and you sound right on track. Full credit to you & for sharing as well. TY - It's been a long time since I have been able to glean with such interaction. Long overdue.
_______________________________________________

I live for this kind of learning. BIO FEED BACK - I've mentioned Brain Sync (http://www.brainsync.com/audio-store.html?gclid=CJGU1eiX5c0CFZOSvQodA20Neg#oid=13 74_1) (Brain Enhancement Technology (http://www.brainsync.com/about-us/about-brain-sync.html) - LOL, the terms we come up with to make a sale) in another thread some time ago. I've evolved my thinking on such since then to some degree.

Hmmmm - to be sure very interesting and great tools. It was an excellent avenue for me ten years ago when I had very little comprehension of recovery based language compared to that of now. Using Bio-feed back helped me in many ways, some more effective than others.

I will share more on that later if your interested. I have reached my limit for now with the above. Just linking how I started with Bio-Feed back - Binaural Beats is similar but has less intent, where as the Brain sync series helps with guided imagery which is much more effective for people just starting out. Intent is everything as too developing the ability to come of with positive images to look forward too. Religion was something I had to overcome back then as it was a huge conflict to such a tool box ... more on that latter too ... more so how to remove / purge conflicts / binds when looking to purify our minds like so.

To be honest - Bio-Feed Back was the first effective step to helping take back by mind. That is very true! Great for people with abusive and addictive backgrounds ... but this now include most people of all walks given the way our society now runs.

Thanks for letting me share again. My revealing re ADHD/ADD is nothing I cling too, but more to explain why I require many many words to make my points. I have no issue with it myself ... just saying is all.

My good friend Dahila is very patient with me like so. :)

Catch you later guys.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Actually I believe control should be re-termed. Or we should use another term for this. Because it is not control. It is to understand and be aware of your actions, changing the outcome. When you control them, you end up being stressed or actually damaging your chances at moving forward. In fact, when you try to control, you try to suppress or avoid them. I tried controlling myself a lot. And it was bad :) But when you let go and accept that there is nothing to control, you find a way to be in harmony with yourself, with everyone, because I think this is somewhat close to forgiveness of self and surrender to higher power (close to something the book says).

I was never good at listening, all my friends were angry with me about that, but I like reading your stories. So anytime you feel like sharing more, I will appreciate it. And you can always tell me your issues with religion, here or via message. I help mom with those issues. I am interested about this, mostly for mom I guess and for my issues.

[Ponder]

I am of like mind. TY. Will do. Keep in mind I offer the same as well. We are all in this, whatever this is; togeather. Keep on keeping on.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Lately I am thinking about emotional contagion (This is a term by the way, I looked it up). When I feel insecure, I start mirroring someone else's emotions. It's like all of a sudden I forget about how I felt before. I am talking to a person, for some reason I am feeling insecure, and start babbling and making excuses, this time the person I am talking to starts to get agitated and it escalates and they get very unstable. In the end, either we fight or I shut up and suffer in silence till the feeling that I am gonna pass out, fades. This usually happens when I am not sure of myself about something, but didn't figure it out yet. I keep telling myself, don't show nervous emotion to someone, don't do it, act like you are fine. But it doesn't always work because I get stuck. Especially when some issue is pressing on me hard. All I can think about is I am gonna screw it up. Especially when the issue is happening at that very moment with the same person. This is hard. I know they have issues too, and their issues surface too. But to think logically when you are freaking out on the inside... It's like impossible. I try not to stop, because it is my tendency to stop when I feel pressure. I just freak and run off. But I try not to. As much as I can cope anyway.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I think I freak out when I feel like someone is trying to control me. Boss me around. Oh yeah, my head hurts. The fear stops my thinking. I can't feel like myself. Feel in control of my actions. And that's when I start mirroring someone else's emotions to hide my frustration.

[Ponder]

Just skimming today ... best i can say from my point of view, is that ... is how energy pretty much works. It rubs off as negative in some situations and positive in others. Consider how reading too much into things can also play into mirroring. It is interesting though. Like a gravity effect ... being drawn in. Some times it could be a charming effect, and other times more of a fear response.

[Ponder]

Just off the top of my head, I can't help but remember an explanation I heard whilst recently listening to a podcast about stress responses and connotative issues. The build up of anxiety/stress (more so someone inability or ability to adapt to changing conditions) of whatever period of time loads our frontal lobe with excessive cortisol levle. (think steroids)

Something like that:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2907136/

Over stimulation occurs often for those of us that suffer with high levels of anxiety and or have suffered with long term anxiety thus, having a predisposition to react in certain situations. Bio-Feed back helped me to rewire my brain with regard to this. It gave me some space. There are many things we can do to find space, however it takes practice in the same way meditation take practice to build up our tolerance level over a period of time.

Since coming to understand better the chemical process, I have been better able to lower my stress so that I can both comprehend better as well as ease the pain in my head. :)

I hope some of the makes sense and actually helps?

[Berry-Bamboo]

I remember now, something from my childhood again. A horrible pain. It's like my heart is at my throat. Why I waited and waited and the help never came. Why I was so alone at this. Why I felt so alone among so many people. Because all they did was to mirror my emotional state. They didn't help me, they made me worse. They tried to control me, keep me locked up inside, that was the only help they gave me. Because they didn't understand what was happening. They didn't understand themselves anyway. How could they know me... How could they help me!

I am better now. Yes yes it helps. It's just all that years and years of suppressed anger and fear and hurt, is gushing out of me...

[Ponder]

Sometimes that's the only way it will release itself. Raw emotion has it's place in recovery. I know this for a fact and have many posts in here to prove it. I'm pleased your feeling better for it. The only thing I can add, is that there will still be elements that need releasing that takes a bit longer than hitting the dump switch ... but yet, could not if for not dumping like so.

Let it rip as you please. :) You'll know when you need to breath in between. Full credit for such self reflection. If only more of us could self reflect like so.

[Berry-Bamboo]

You know what. This is too much work, being close to someone. I can't do this. I can't play both roles: a friend and a problem solver. I can help them with their issues, but they are not my friends. These are not my problems. Or I am gonna suffocate. I am not the type to control other people. I can only calm down around people who know about themselves and not leaving me any work to deal with other than myself. And making me feel guilty for not controlling the situation. Damn it. NO I am not gonna suffocate. This experiment is done.

[sunandflowers]

Berry Bamboo, I am sorry to hear of your feelings that people give up on you, the pain, and the confusion that you seem to be experiencing.
I agree with Kirk, the Serenity prayer is a good one. I think that a point that this version of the prayer misses out on is who is granting the serenity, courage, and wisdom. As you mentioned, it also helps with the anxiety when someone is able to look past any fronts or appearances ("masks"). I wonder if it would give you peace to know that there is a God who sees you and knows everything about you, the way that you are feeling, etc and loves you very much.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Yeah, I am not doing too good right now. And I think I am tired of it. Maybe it was a good idea not to let others in on my issues, or my insecurities. I always figure them on my own. Maybe it should stay that way.

[cloudy black]

that is anxiety and depression talking.
emotional contagion - heard of the saying misery likes company.

emotions are so difficult ours and others

i have a phd in worrying and just lately i have reached saturation point and now i am in the eye of the storm with no horizon in view. think the counselor is concerned as she said i could contact her between appointments.

good to see you are still talking, you sound very knowledgeable and talking will help you to join some dots up maybe.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Yes. It is anxiety and depression talking. Like I said, it is very hard to see the truth. Especially what ponder says, it is so hard to keep the clutter away when you don't have something you are looking forward to. I've been thinking lately, it's been such a long time that I didn't want to live. I mean, I survive but it isn't living. I read, watch, exercise, eat, sleep. But there is nothing I am looking forward to. It doesn't matter how interesting I try to keep it. Because there is nothing around that makes me feel like me. And I am trying to deal with this one for a few days. But it's too hard.

I am trying to keep myself knowledgable. Because I am not into easy ways to deal with anxiety. I am not into drugs, I am not into doctors. Since they covered my whole past life, not wanting to go back to that. I don't want to go back to what I used to do. No matter what. Even if all those things used to give me this happiness illusion. I am trying very hard to hold on to reality. There are some things I didn't talk about. I had this bad habit of closing myself off and hiding in my dream world. I would have whole lives and conversations in my dream world. I tried very hard to get rid of this. I watched movies and TV series almost 24-hours a day to get out of my dream world. And I started writing everything down on journals, everything I felt, not to imagine stuff up. Once this started working, I started letting go a little, and doing other things, mixing it up, a little reading, a little exercise, a little going outside, a little cooking and cleaning. And right now, I am much better.

These days, I am dealing with whatever comes up to the surface. And things always come up, because now I am truly living in reality, no more dream world. No more excuses in my world. But of course, this made it harder to write things like short stories or poems. But I am getting there. Hopefully.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I think my issue with people surface when I feel the need to control them somehow, because when my issues surface, what is happening, they are mirroring me? Their issues surface too, and their insecurities surface too. And I tried something today, I let go of control over their feelings or insecurities and focused on mine. And instantly the pressure faded away. I think this is it. If I can keep this up, I will not feel the need to hide.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I vent, I complain, I cry, I scream. This is my process. You can't handle it, that's just fine, but if you are angry with me, if you can't stand me, that's fine too. I am not running off this time. I never had anything like this, you people are beautiful, my life was a battlefield. I am not saying there are not people who have it worse than me. I am doing this not to be worse than I already am. And I can't lie and keep things to myself either. Not anymore. And my problem doesn't come from my own life. It is people around me. People who don't shut up about problems, people who won't stop judging, who won't stop cursing, who won't stop calling you all kinds of shit. And people who suffer and there is nothing I can do. I am scared to go outside, because there are all kinds of fucked up shit happening, and I don't want to face. But I am forcing myself to do so. But I can't do it right away. So I am taking one step at a time. I can't even talk about it. Because it would be unwise. Who am I to talk about such things. I want to keep on living. And maybe one of these days I won't be alive when I take a bus or go to a shopping mall. I can't fucking talk about it! Because I don't know what the fuck my future will bring me! But yeah, acting like everything is just fucking fine! I wish I could be there so I would not need to complain or try to have friends online.

[Ponder]

Well said.
PS - I just made my move. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/board-games/chess-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Berry-Bamboo]

Sorry, this was long time coming. I made my move too. Since I can't sleep tonight. We can play.

[Ponder]

Hi BB, it will be a while before I can make another move on the board. Perhaps you could try a few puzzles over at lichess? I understand the need to express like so. I'll make a move as soon as I get home.

[Berry-Bamboo]

You know there is a saying, "I break everything I touch." People always acted this way around me, like they were going to break me. I guess in time this weakness became mine, since I didn't understand this behaviour. I just didn't understand it was their problems they were afraid to hurt themselves with. This wasn't about me. But how do you know that when you are a child if someone doesn't explain things like this to you? Everything I don't understand is keeping me a prisoner in my own mind. I want to understand more, there is nothing wrong with that. But I guess I am clinging to this not to face my real problem. I never knew how to deal with people in pain, how to protect myself from this constant darkness in my life. The constant back and forth, I hurt you, you hurt me, I guess I have to accept that I was only a child, and there was nothing I could do. When people in pain thought I hurt them, they just hurt me back. Because there was nothing else they could do. And there was nothing I could do. Big issue here. Now anything reminding me of this, I just freak out. I know it's not real. It's just more pain.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I didn't understand I wasn't hurting them. It was their own hurt surfacing. I struggle with this a lot. And I blame myself I couldn't let myself see this obvious thing before. Because it was hard to accept. There was nothing I could do. I wonder if I keep telling myself this, will I get better at it?

[Berry-Bamboo]

This is a first for me. I accepted I didn't hurt anyone. I never said that before. This is all about what we don't understand. And they didn't hurt me either. I took me a while to accept this was out of my control. Not necessarily meant it was a bad thing. But if these weaknesses can't be let go, they definitely turn into something bad. Definite health crisis.

We are all carrying the mistakes other people loaded on our backs. We are all trying to break our patterns and get out of our comfort zone to see things for ourselves. I just wish it wasn't this painful to do that. But it is.

[Ponder]

I hear ya, I really do man. Best I can say is from having trekked my old torn up and worn out path, is it's worth staying on track when you get a sense of relief that comes from unloading all the crap. Sometimes we take new paths and sometimes not, but in the end you can't beat lightening the load. It's been helping to read your insights among all that pain. I don't mind saying, I like helping others to lift their load, but at the end of the day, it matters little if we can't carry our own.

Seriously - it's inspiring to see you write in a fashion similar to that of myself - when I too, would often use this forum to unload like so. Your an awesome person ... It's not your fault that others are unable to handle your load. One thing to be sure, this forum provides many rooms in which we can throw our packs and find a good spot in which to sit, think, ponder, contemplate and or do whatever - blow off steam, cry, and then at times grow wings and help a few others.

Your doing well - you have done nothing wrong ... your only growing and becoming all the more for your efforts without even trying to be more than you already are. This is because who you are; is already special! A unique gift to what already is.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Sorry if I am not writing like a girly girl even if I am a female. But I appreciate this very much, I was just enjoying myself with this anonymity Dave, I'm sorry for the mix-up. And thank you for this connection. But hope this doesn't change the dynamics between. Because I like this sparring back and forth between us. You changed a lot of things for me in a good way. I only reacted because you finally made me realize why this is very important to me...... I am looking forward to your chess puzzle.

[Emptyoystershell]

Stay as strong as you can. The most painful thing about mental illness is that it is completely invisible to others unless they really really know you and get to see that side of you. In my opinion that is what makes it so hard. The best we can do is explain to people and try to decrease the stigma.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Oh my. I was reading the post from Other shoe. And this made me think how I used to be and how much I changed...

If I can calm someone else down, when I need it why won't they do the same for me, why wouldn't they act like a real friend and support me for a change?!! But they don't know they do this to me, I am completely invisible to them, especially about my inner thoughts and issues, thanks Emptyoystershell!

Someone else's power isn't something to be envious about. It just means they have no connection to me. They are more closed off than me. Nothing reflects off of them towards me to show them things they don't know about themselves. Which gives them illusion of strength. I was paranoid because there are things I was not sure about myself and I didn't know how to protect myself towards such people I couldn't connect with. The scales were tipping against my favour. When I can connect with someone like me, it is same level with that person. I went through this all the time. There was no one like me around, so everyone was stronger than me, I couldn't strengthen my position because I didn't understand who I was or what I wanted from life. I couldn't trust anyone or even myself! And I couldn't embrace life!

And now I think everything going wrong in my life, it was all because of my difference from them. There was no connection. All the things I didn't see! I failed to see. I guess this is why I really appreciate you Ponder, you are showing me with every post, I was never the bad guy, I was just someone struggling to see the truth about everything.

[Berry-Bamboo]

This might be interesting because it is about chess and my issues...

Whenever my fear is trying to surface, I cling to something I need to let go, so I won't have to face this problem. But why? Why am I clinging? Why can't I see that I am hurting myself, right!? Because at that moment, there is something going on, and I need to have control over the situation. But I can't. Because the fear is stopping me from thinking logically, and can't feel in control of myself. So, I need to sacrifice this thing I am clinging to and face the issue and my fear at the same time, but not to fix the issue, only to fix my mind. So when I feel fixed, I can also fix the issue. This is the hardest thing. Because the more the issue presses on, my brain is telling me to control it, rather than what to let go, and what to focus on. I am looking at the obvious step and missing a better way to fix everything! And once I saw this, I realized I was doing the same thing at chess :D :)

[Ponder]

I can see how you relate this such to chess. :) I was really feeling the need to solve such an issue yesterday. Whilst with your help, (that link) I finally worked it out, I can see pondering on the mechanism that tends to make us play the way we do is just as much a riddle.

Regarding your gender or it changing things - not at all. I had simply not even considered it - I was too much in tune with the content to give it any thought. Perhaps I am too gullible or caught up in myself to notice, but more likely is a benefit to just using text like so - as we do. Gender often gets in the way as many cling to that too.

I will post puzzle in my other thread as I don't want to mess this one up ... I'm also in need of my morning walk, before I can think too deep on what has been said. I do hear you though re people sapping us like so; or is what comes to my mind when skimming your previous pose above your last. Thanks for kind words again. It can be hard when others shut us out. The latter being about some issues I am facing. Forgive me as this morning before my walk, I am struggling to comprehend simple tasks on this end.

I will come back to this and read again ... Yes; you nailed the answer with your acceptance of struggling to see. So true for most of us.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I have a question; growing up with someone who has OCD, would that give me the illusion that I have OCD also?? Because all I could think about is what would that person do if I managed to step on an issue which they can't process like I do in a normal way. Or do I have OCD also obsessing about what someone else thinks or does?? Trying to understand something about obsessive behaviour and its connection to anxiety.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I got it! I don't believe this. Obsession is what triggers my anxiety. That's what happened. I lost everything I obsessed about, and I realized I had no reason to live anymore. Nothing in my life was real, they were obsessions. What's the point if it is an illusion or I really have it. I am behaving like this is my prison. That's good enough.

Not feeling good...

I used to think I had dyspraxia, because I had an issue with almost everything. Later I figured it had to be about anxiety. But than again, it could be OCD! What do I know? It's not like doctors are telling me anything useful, all they tell me, there is nothing wrong with me, but they keep giving me drugs, so pointless. How to trust anyone who won't tell me what's wrong!

Anyway, this is not something a drug can fix. Treating symptoms sure. But fixing it from deep within, only I can do that for myself...

[Berry-Bamboo]

Obsession and helplessness... I feel obsessed when I don't understand what I am supposed to see, and I feel helpless when something is preventing me from understanding it by blocking my view. And anxiety engulfs me. Because I am so in tune with this, whatever this is, a path connecting everything there is to do on Earth, leading to enlightenment? Not sure. Because I know it is there, I can't do whatever I like. Whatever I like is usually about someone else's wishes. Desire, it is such a cliche. When you want something, it is never really what you need. But it always shows you where to go to understand something else about yourself. It's like; a desire is a path you shouldn't take so literally. Otherwise it turns into obsession and anxiety.

[Berry-Bamboo]

All my life, I tried to be good. But now I recognize more patterns, understand emotions. What people call goodness is closer to fear. They are afraid, so they try to be good. They even try to justify their inaction by saying they are not stirring up trouble or they don't complain, they support someone who is suppressing them. Because they are good! This is bullshit! Living like this, it is worse than death! Not knowing who you are, what you want for yourself! What is happening to this world! This is not goodness, this is not happiness! It doesn't have to be either/or. We are not supposed to be good or bad. We are supposed to be our natural selves, what we were meant to be.

[Ponder]

I'm glad your still into this. Just be body aware. Our writings can tax us after a while. I guess I say like so because I am feeling a little down myself and would like to respond but words kind of fail me write now. I try to be real quick.

We have given over too many roles to the system we call an economy. We should be our own doctors, teachers; and be free thinkers. I personally come to see obsession like a monkey's minds in a world designed to keep us blind. We are taught that if we do not know, then there is something wrong with us ... that we need a job and or require more educating. We are continually manipulated to live in want. The futility of living like this is that as soon as you get what we want, the desire to which we thought was the essence to living a life - is suddenly gone. In order to seek more drive and fill a new void, we once again find ourselves in want!

Like I said, obsession is encouraged with our modern way of manipulating. It keeps us blind. Once you give up all the wants and can see the patterns as is, a great sense of freedom starts to well. Want becomes less of an issues once we discover just how much we already have. That has been my ultimate discovery in regards to obsessing over what we think we should have; or should not. Extend this discovery of giving up want for having found what we already have, to what we think → we should think, or should not ... and to that of worrying over what others think ... or do not. Living like so will also have one find ... others looking on ... wondering why the hell they desire what you no longer want. :)

We can do it ... it's very liberating! this scenario falls under, learning to live on less ... freedom from more, buy giving up what you think you want ... typically comes from no more thinking. lol ... OK ... I best leave it at that, before I start to scare myself. hehe. I have an idea of what I mean, I can only hope you do to.
____________________________

Goodness / Fear & Inaction ... I had something inspirational to say, but now how slipped me. The rain has kept me inside too long : ) ... first I go to the gym .. but probably come and do the damn dishes. :)

I think you finish off spot on with that one.

Edit ... again ... Reason for editing - trying to perfect my monkey mind. : )

[Ponder]

OK ... I am done editing. Smiles ... must be an obsessive thing ... but like anxiety ... I've come not to see it as such a bad thing. ;)

[Berry-Bamboo]

No worries, my behaviour is more obsessive to keep checking to see if someone replied to me. It is usually you, so thanks for that!

Nope I am not giving up on this. I will keep on thinking and figuring things out. With what happened yesterday, now I am even more motivated to figure out how to reconcile my belief on passivism with nature's cruel joke! We are not meant to be passive! And we are not supposed to suppress everything and keep building walls around our already tight and small minds.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I meditated today after a long time. I finally beat my fear that I could not focus with anxiety. It was really scary first, but managed to calm down. Hopefully I'll beat my fear on concentrating on other things...

By the way, it's definitely weird writing from my phone! ;)

[Ponder]

That's awesome news BB. Please allow me to share the following in the spirit of your new found peace this day:

As seen from my back yard this evening:

https://c3.staticflickr.com/9/8181/28414700426_d5224d4c8f_z.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/KhULu3)

[Ponder]

Seriously, I got a buzz out of reading your last post there. :) - I find my time here mostly relaxing. Using my phone to zone out whilst in the shopping mall and likewise traffic zones (other than when I'm driving - lol) comes in handy from time to time. I'm really pleased to see you logging in a few posts today.

[Berry-Bamboo]

It's a really cool place you have...

[duonua1s]

nó hớp hồn hok biết bao nhiu dân mê

[Ponder]

nó hớp hồn hok biết bao nhiu dân mê
Anyone able to translate this gibberish?

[Berry-Bamboo]

Google translation says it is Vietnamese. I think he/she is trying to ask you how much money for the place(s) there... I don't know though... It didn't translate nice and easy...

[Berry-Bamboo]

Shit I might be wrong about this...

[Berry-Bamboo]

I always take advantage of my stressful times to do something more. I started meditating again, that was a start. Today I increased my dumbbell weight from 4 kg to 5 kg. I obviously needed it. I still use 4 kg for harder exercises. I don't know if anyone is interested in dumbbell exercise. This helped me a lot with my muscle problems. And I am struggling with facing fear. I am trying to accept that no matter how afraid I am, it is no excuse to stop my routine and be trapped inside this hurt. I am trying to beat my problem of being too afraid to move. The more I try to be honest, it is easier to speak, the more I try to exercise, it is lighter to move my body. Anxiety is like a prison inside my own body and my mind. It is better to stop believing the walls and the bars are real.

I also find doing Bo Staff spins, pretty helpful for my muscles. There was a time I couldn't hold my pencil, or do anything with my arms. Now they are getting better. I do them almost every day. And I am trying to run more. I was running three times for two minutes with rest, now I am doing 3 minutes. It was hard to exercise with my whole body for a long time. But I am trying to push through the pain and beat this. It is hard to write about my struggles, but I push through that also.

For now, no photos or paintings for me, sorry Dave. When I calm down, I promise for more creative work to share here...

[Berry-Bamboo]

This is the Bo Staff spin I am obsessing these days...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95cqMQQji-g&list=PLoyA2LduqWXlbQ7x-k-k-sdxV8kCHhvzi&index=3



This really helped with my poor hand-eye coordination issues... What do you think about this first video embed?? :)

[Ponder]

Just flying by ... LOL ... about the translation. Re the weights, I have backed off going heavy and doing much better since doing so. Form and ease of movement with only 70% ish effort is enough for me to both fly through my workouts whilst maintaining good overall strength. Is what works for me. I was going to heavy before and really going nowhere. Remaining too heavy. I also only rest for 30 seconds between sets and do a high number or reps. It's kind of my cardio as well. I only walk these days and it all seems to be enough with the healthy slim clean eating.

COOL Bo staffing there ... reminds me of the staff weapons from the StarGate TV series.

I best make a move. ;)

[Berry-Bamboo]

I work with weights once or twice in a week. I don't need them much. I do 1 set of 10 reps, and work with 10 different dumbbell exercises for my arms, I use 5kg for 6 of them, 4kg for 4 of them. I only do squats with more sets. And I do wrist exercises with 1kg dumbbell, I have really bad aches in my wrists, this is helping somewhat. I used to have low muscle tone and this was making it hard to sit and walk, or carry something. I've been working with dumbbells more than 5 years now. I really enjoy them :)

Yeah, the spinning, it is definitely reminding me a lot of fave scenes...

[Ponder]

Just popping back to say I like your mindset with the exercise. Very important to construct something that gives integrity. Bit like painting on a board that holds that paint well. Vision is very important. Plays into the way the think and speak.

[Berry-Bamboo]

You mean seeing the big picture or thinking where I want to reach in the future? I remember we used to walk almost all day, and I could, I mean don't get me wrong. But I would drag my feet. Now even though I am not walking all day or wandering around, I am seeing the difference, I can walk with more pacing, more energy. It is nice to feel good about something like that...

[Ponder]

For me over 30kg/66lbs ago, it was very much about both fostering the image of my desire combined with the big picture as it be. The picture is always changing, which is why I mostly do not hold onto photos and or memories. Sure I have a online place that allows for the sharing, but I myself rarely look at them. I am too busy creating new moments. Sometimes I may draw from them just as I do with my experience form the past, but I do so in a more positive way than I used to when all I did was wallow in misery.

Yep - its all about feeling the benefits no matter how small. Chemical solutions may have there place early on, BUT ... if left for too long, IMO - they will end up making us worse. Reconnect with the body no matter how far it's been left to go down hill ... walking little bit by little bit is the way to do it. The more we take back control of our addictions and recondition our minds to enable such change as we wish it to be ... the more we will feel the positive changes no matter how small they be. You see - medications fucks the receptors in our brains when we rely on the for a period of time. That's where most folk end up reasoning with their meds like they do the sweet and savory things commonly clung to.

Of course just my opinion ... is the truth serum that keeps me clean whilst all around me consumes the poison and carry on like slaves.

Just do the best you can for your body is my advice I give to my kids. No matter how bad things get, we still have plenty of choices when it comes to that; even if it simply be the way we think! In fact, that's the best place to start ... change the way we think!

[Berry-Bamboo]

Very nice post as always. Thanks Dave :)

[Berry-Bamboo]

We are all either too repressed or too aggressive to be in touch with ourselves. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. We end up burying our pain too deep not to be hurt all the time. But there is a cost for this. Not feeling pain also means not feeling anything. Nothing real anyway. We are all running after empty endeavours. Because there is not another option here when you have no idea what truth feels like. And nothing shows this better than meditation. When I sit down and try to focus inwards, this wall is blocking me immediately. I can't go deep enough. But the depth here is not the hurt, it is something different. Because truth isn't the pain, pain is there when you don't understand, we have to feel it so we can understand. What I mean is, this light, shapeless and patternless peace in us. It always feels heavier when I am connecting to my pain, but the truth doesn't come from weight, it comes from lightness. A different kind of depth. When I feel shallow, on the surface, I might feel better, because I am not connecting to myself at all. It's denial. The pain is there, but when I am not looking for it, I don't see it. And the denial gets too powerful preventing me from venturing into my thoughts and figure out the truth. So, I need to change my mind like you are saying, change what truth feels like in my mind, or bodymind (term from psychoneuroimmunology). The truth definitely doesn't feel shallow or too painful. It feels with more depth into this lightness without blocking or spoiling it with extra spicy terror. Instead of saying I don't understand, I try to see the truth, and let go of fear(not understanding).

I don't understand(fear, anger, desire, sorrow)---> I accept and understand the truth(more depth into self, lightness and emotionless peace).

This is not easy to experience, though. The difference between being suppressed and emotionless... We have a bad habit of clinging to emotions, and making ourselves shallow or heavier, depending on the pain's repressed or surfaced condition. Emotions are not a toy, we feel when we need to feel. When we are connecting to our pain, to our unknown and dark places of mind, emotions are like a conduit. They connect us with ourselves and with someone else who has almost the same issues and patterns as we do. Because of denial, we tend to cling to our emotions or someone else's emotions, because they make us feel good, right?! But clinging to things, makes us heavier and not really in touch with ourselves. Further and further away from the truth. No matter how happy you feel, it is pointless in the end.

What I am trying to see here is, is this bad programming of mind, or are we simply this way, we have to suffer till we see the truth? Because I'd like to think there has to be a better way, and I am trying to find it. We still need to go through the pain blocks to free more space in our minds, sure. But the thought of disconnecting from myself, it is just too hurtful for my mind.

Fear of hurting---> acceptance of this hurt and looking for what I am hiding from. This is what I am trying to do. To change what drives me to find the truth, from fear to acceptance. So asking again, is this bad programming??! Or are we simply this way?

[Berry-Bamboo]

I think we are clinging to fear like it is our friend instead of accepting things and letting go of our weight. We should feel when we need to feel, instead of suppressing and exploding in an awkward moment, or feeling emotionally dependent to others, seeking their acceptance as good person or bad person. Only I can know who I am, and feel whenever I need to. But this connection between all of us, it doesn't have to be suppression or bad influence. It could be just as well a guide for our excellence. We have all these powers and yet unaware of them. We could achieve so much more than just money. But I guess it is always easier to influence or hurt others instead of accepting the hurt inside us...

I have a vision alright! But it is not enough!

[Berry-Bamboo]

Refocusing the control from wanting towards needing. Being more aware of what is needed so everything that is based on suppressing us, can be avoided, therefore achieving control of our lives and emotions... I think the key for this is to accept the hurt we will eventually experience, rather than suppressing or avoiding it. No more fear means, more control over this confusion, over anxiety.

[Ponder]

Please do keep talking as once again it's helping me big time. I gave into impulse yesterday and paid the price. Re my camera purchase. Your post has gone a long way to putting things back into perspective for me. I'm really into this tune that your writing about of late. TY.

I go now on my walk and attempt to summon up a vision fit for us all. :)

[Berry-Bamboo]

Yes, I made that mistake a few times. I was scared that I was going to miss out on an opportunity and bought something that I was never gonna use at all. I mostly make that mistake when I am not sure of myself, not sure of what I really need. What I want?? I want a lot of things that are meaningless. By the way, I am using the word "want" as in shallow desires we succumb to. And "need" as in what we are seeking with all our hearts that will help us change in a good way. It is hard to make that distinction. But there is a way, when you want something, don't focus on what you want, focus on why you want it so much. There is always a reason for every shallow decision we make which is hiding inside denial. Denial is too powerful to break. If we don't start with easy things such as figuring out why we want things rather than seeing what we really need, we are never going to get better at this thing called life.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Money is not evil, certainly not buying things... But we overdo it somehow. The more we suppress our issues, we crave for more materialistic perfection. We try to show others how perfect we are, so we can believe the lie as well. If we could just focus on ourselves, rather than broadcasting an idea of perfection on the surface, we could achieve so much more than these useless things we cling to. We could achieve what we are meant to be. And everything else would stay as tools to help us reach real perfection, no more clinging, no more being afraid to obey the lie. Just freedom to reach personal excellence, not inside or outside, as a complete personality!

Yes, thank you as well...

[Kirk]

I view money as a way to help me enjoy my life more, by allowing me to do the things I want to do and to provide a better life for my family and myself.
I donate to charity as it makes me feel good. Money can help people who are need. A few weeks ago, I was buying some groceries at the Giant grocery
store near where I live. I was in line and a guy in his maybe 20's as putting his groceries on the conveyor belt. He was somewhat tentative and was telling the
cashier he only had $40 as a gift card for his groceries. The total came to $40.30, so he was 30 cents short. He also left some items in his cart. He then turned around to
me and said can I give him 30 cents for the groceries. I then told him to buy the rest of the items in his cart and I would pay for them. He looked shocked and asked me
am I sure and that I don't have to do it. I told him, no worries. The extra groceries were only around $9, so no big deal. I had the money, I am not destitute, so I felt
like it was the right thing to do. Money can come in handy.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I was not dissing money. It would be ridiculous anyway, since it is our source of living. And giving it away is a temporary solution for people in need. There was a caricature somewhere, and it was simply stating that "don't give someone fish who is hungry, teach him to fish". I find giving money and feeling good about it, not that useful... And not enough! Because people don't need money, they need to be strong enough to make money for themselves. And that is what I am trying to figure out here... All my life, people gave me stuff, pushed me aside, never taught me useful things! I wish they would give me piece of mind more than they gave me stuff! I wish they showed me the truth about what is what, and what to avoid! But not against you helping anyone who needs it. I am sure they need that and more... And please comment more often, pretty sure I need it :)

[Ponder]

I've learned from my lesson. I usually makes my mistakes work for me, or I learn never to see things as a mistake. I go post some pics and keep moving. Thanks again for being so consistent with the chess games. I have really been enjoying those. I talk more about my manic reactions and personification a bit later when I have time. Please do keep talking though. I know this is your thread and more for you, however I cannot believe just how much I am getting from your own insights. VERY pleased that you found this forum. :) Good for me, good for others and good for others ... and I do so hope it's been good for you. :)

Hopefully I will soon find time to make a more in depth post that reflects well what you have been posting about. I know I want to. I just have my grandson over again and Lisa still needs me to work on our eBay store. Catch up soon hey.;)

[Ponder]

BB - Please know that I have this other forum user on ignore. I know what you mean and would like our vibe not to be ---hmmmm--- put off track. Money is the last thing I want to talk about and I know that was not your agenda. Talking about money will only piss me off. I hate it and the system in which it is used. I am all for giving things away and sharing freely. That's all I got to say about that.
________________________________________________

ANYWAYS! --- Like I was saying in your other post. I have learned my lesson. I usually do. I'm well known for that. hehe. Basically I have to learn to use this new tool within it's parameters. I am a perfectionist - however working on that! It's because I don't have much money that I get riled up when things don't operate as I was thinking they should. When they don't ... I just have to learn how to make the most of what I've got. So ... in that regard ... I've bounced back and figure I will make this camera work for me yet. I think I can make the zoom work for me as a blogging camera that gives interesting shots. See what happens ... I'll try stealing a for street shots from a distance and post my results in here.

At the moment, I just post some test shots for now. As long as I just stick with internet media, I think this new purchase and I can be friends. : ) Test shots are as follows:

YEA - I think for internet these kind of zooms should work well.

https://c8.staticflickr.com/9/8050/27884216903_2defe4eac7_z.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/Ju2Udp)

https://c2.staticflickr.com/9/8624/27884214993_0637880def_z.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/Ju2TDt)

https://c5.staticflickr.com/9/8346/27883384484_24055c6016_z.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/JtXCLm)

Next I do some people watching. ;)

[Berry-Bamboo]

You took these yourself?? They are beautiful, and I love the skies and stars and the moon! Anything resembling those, I love! By the way, I can talk about whatever it is you want to focus on, because people are not really giving me ideas here, I am just picking some topic and going with it :D

[Ponder]

Oh - please do just keep on with what you were. I was more meaning not to loose track. sryy My Bad for saying anything. :) Also srry about my last post, I thought I was in my thread. lol ... anything is good ... I was just more meaning I knew what you meant was all. I best get back to work.

PS - I just bought another computer chess set of eBay. hehe ... I post on that in my thread later.
Thx for the kind words re the photos.

Rest well BB.

[Berry-Bamboo]

You're fine, right? Don't push yourself too hard. Just think of the tasks you need to finish, as... if it needs to be done, it will be done anyway. Whenever you need to talk, share photos, or be judgemental about something, this is the thread for ya! ;) Don't worry, not necessary to keep me on ignore.

[Kirk]

I agree with you BB that peace of mind is tough to have. I know really no one who has peace of mine completely. My grandmother who passed away
a long time ago was the only person I knew who had peace of mine. She took everything in stride, nothing bothered her and she accepted whatever life
threw at her. One of a kind person.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I could use some peace right about now... Some people are better at this than me. They look at the world and understand. I don't. Never have. That's why I keep writing about these things. I don't understand myself, I don't understand the world. I just don't belong... This is so stupid. I am trying to hold on here, as if this will make me belong. I just don't fucking belong!!!

[Ponder]

??? Are you talking to that Kirk Guy? I certainly don't have you on ignore, I do however have Kirk on ignore. Anyways:
TIME OUT: Perhaps this may help. I took this just before I go pick up my grandson. I stitched a few photos together to capture more space. Hoping to do my next Vlog down in there, although is close to a path and I'll probably be heard:

https://c6.staticflickr.com/9/8745/28426330301_71e25f423e_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/KiWnD8)

[Berry-Bamboo]

I set that pic as my wallpaper to look at it better. I feel weird today. It has something to do with belonging somehow, not sure what it is yet...

[Kirk]

BB, I was once talking to my internal medicine physician about something and he then said to me; it sounds like you are asking me what is the meaning of life. He then
said to me, when and if you ever find an answer to that question, please let me know.

[Kirk]

BB, just say to yourself, you DO belong and that your life is important.

[Berry-Bamboo]

Yeah, thanks. I feel better today.

[Ponder]

Yea, is as I figured. This sudden intrusion into your thread is not so much as to help but an attempt to derails ones thoughts. They can't help themselves. Be careful taking any of that onboard. I note an implication of negative self talk being projected your way with such assumptions. Although I have at times given into commiseration, I am being more mindful to focus on our strengths. If this guy continues on it's current troll path ... I recommend using the ignore feature like myself and directly informing him of doing so. Call him out so to speak and then cut him off without entertaining his response. Is what worked for me.

The user typing in Vietnamese ... well I am about to put that one on ignore as well ... hopefully the messy format that these people are tailing in their wake will not continue as that's when I create new threads to keep things neat.
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Man ... you were in syn not so long ago before those hijackers came along. Let's just focus on getting back to such a steady state and also our strengths. :)

About the belonging thing? From my perspective finding myself whilst out walking or doing whatever has me in the moment is what works for me. The more I tend to ascribe myself to some group, club, country, culture, or whatever ... the more my identity becomes vulnerable and in fact I question the notion of identifying as anything at all. In fact, It plays into a negative aspect to human fallibility known as separatism which is widely used in our modern society on oh so many levels to control and manipulate. Fear based belonging that leaves so many people lonely, afraid and depressed.

Keep asking questions of yourself as you have. There is nothing wrong with what you are telling yourself. It's all part of the awakening process. Others who are conditioned beyond reproach will continue to be negative and always seek to label others whom question like so. You are strong ... I can tell! Let's just focus on using that to break through the illusion of this so call need to belong. Instead I see it more a case of us more coming to realise that we are in this together, rather than seeking some kind of acceptance that we must feel from others in order to fit in. We are already in the box together ... all part of the same space. The more groups that are created, the more people wind up wasting their time in joining more clubs and then raising the hands and fists with new sets of limiting beliefs. Loneliness ... Pfft ... Sure it's a real emotion, but to overcome is does not sourcing external sources ... The Power is Within! : )

Christian fanatics will see such a liberating and challenging thought as propaganda from Satan himself. Now I think of my mum jumping on the phone in a neurotic state to set off proceedings for a marathon prayer chain. lmfo.

OK ... that's a wrap for me and just my take. No big deal. Do be careful about the trolls now. ;)

We catch up soon.

PS - Acceptance naturally falls into place when we are no longer seeking it, but more content with whom we be. That's how gravity works ... when we no longer fight it. A little bit like the law of attraction without the shallow, twisted and selfish intent. People get hung up on prosperity with that kind of things with thinking themselves into a state of want rather than focusing and appreciating ones basic needs.

Just ride with simplicity and appreciate the air we breath ... that kind of thing ... bla bla I am doing it again ... time to dive into my thread.
Keep asking questions of yourself. Your awesome and you are here ... wherever you go in fact ... there you are. ;)

[Berry-Bamboo]

I needed to hear this, more like read this. I don't know, when something is reminding me of past horrible experiences, I just lose it. And all I can do is try to figure it out. Because people and situations cannot be always avoided! So I force myself to accept and understand. And I have lots of horrible experiences, so every turn I take, I come across something that will make me mad. That being said, I avoid them as much as I can to continue my peaceful existence. Oh God, I think I am afraid that someday, I will not find a place to ignore them and they will eat me alive. This is the same thing I felt when we were playing chess and accidentally checked the horrific news... I am having a hard time to break this one. I am in it, I guess never got rid of it ever since that night...

[Ponder]

1. left click on the Name in the upper right hand side of - Post Window Text box

2. click on view profile

3. then 3rd down the list ... click on Add to Ignore List!

That's it, then your done. :)

[Berry-Bamboo]

Now two Vietnamese guys are on ignore, if they stop posting gibberish, you'll tell me...

[Anne1221]

I did a google translation and found out the Vietnamese writing meant "Anonymous User." So I did a translation of "Post in English only" in Vietnamese and sent that guy a private message so we'll see if he reads it. So this is what I sent him: Bài viết bằng tiếng Anh xin vui lòng! I hope he reads it!

[Berry-Bamboo]

Funny! I sent an English one, since we are in an English forum!! It's better to let go of it I guess...

[Berry-Bamboo]

This pain is about belonging because somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to be myself, and forgot about all there is to make me unique. I don't know how it happened. I guess I couldn't handle the hits towards my personality any more. I just gave up. Like a flower that shrivels without enough water and sunlight, I couldn't find a space to call my own. The others are all alike, me... No energy to flourish, only to hold on a little more.

Sorry for the dramatic words. Trying to purge this pain out of my system.

[Ponder]

Not at all. I like descriptive writing very much.

[Kirk]

As I have said before, BB, you are important, your life matters and you will get through this temporary rough period. You have the strength to do it.

[Kirk]

Too bad I can't understand Vietnamese.

[Kirk]

I don't have anyone on ignore, as I am always willing to hear what others have to say, as other viewpoints may be helpful and they may knowledge and experience in a certain situation that I lack.

[Berry-Bamboo]

No man, I am not ignoring someone's words, those guys are not saying anything, even google translate won't work on those words, not really...

[Kirk]

BB, I agree with you.

[Berry-Bamboo]

I know what drives us towards empty pursuits. We want to be like others. We forget about who we are ourselves. This is the high I was talking about in another thread. We want and want and want. But never get enough of it. We are further and further away from ourselves. So, the high is even deeper with more steps further. It must be such a thrill. Shame I never had fun with such things...

[cloudy black]

bb - 07-12-16 It doesn't matter how interesting I try to keep it. Because there is nothing around that makes me feel like me. And I am trying to deal with this one for a few days. But it's too hard.

yes i so get you with this it is something i am experiencing very intensely at the mo. i am experiencing almost a split like i am disconnected in a way that is much deeper and disturbing. so much so that i went for a diabetis test a few days ago.

yes knowing yourself better helps in the long run it reduces the emotionally charged triggers. being in the now is what i am doing more somehow i am managing to do this in spite of this splitting sensation i am not sure whether a life time of acute anxiety is taking its toll on me or what.

I let go of control over their feelings or insecurities and focused on mine. And instantly the pressure faded away. I think this is it. If I can keep this up, I will not feel the need to hide. fantastic that you are taking responsibility for yourself. i can relate to lots of what you say in your posts. making things conscious is the beginning of the healing i reckon. gradually i have been bringing things to consciousness, just lately its the random guilt dialogue that i find myself in. that is something that oh i guess has been going on for the longest time. and now it seems like the time to focus on this as my "project" to bring it into the light so to speak.

as you may have gathered i dont get on the forum that often these days as i am having lots of stuff going on at the mo. i find your posts very interesting and it helps me. but i am away a lot at the mo.

I can't fucking talk about it! Because I don't know what the fuck my future will bring me! But yeah, acting like everything is just fucking fine! I wish I could be there so I would not need to complain or try to have friends online.

it takes time to unravel our lives and you are doing very well to keep on talking because that brings things out into the open and that will go some way to being conscious about the things that are unconsciously driving you at the mo. its a process a journey if you will.

gotta go now