doyleharkave
06-09-2016, 01:33 PM
Hello Im mostly posting because I have a real problem discussing the constant anxieties that I live with. I find even those who suffer from chronic anxiety hard to talk to.
Ive always had anxiety. As a teen normal social anxiety along with hypochondria. I had a problem with violent intrusive thoughts that I could not stop. Did believe for a period of time I was some kind of sociopath. But I was able to get past such thoughts with help. The anxiety that really plagues me however has done so for around five years and I've honestly had mixed results in dealing with it. For a long period of time I have been in constant fear that I would be arrested and prosecuted for a sex crime. It started when I was 21 and a sophomore in college. I had watched porn since I was 16 and really considered it not exactly moral or okay, but at the very least perfectly harmless. To sum it up I was on a porn site called Xhamster which I had been on before when I saw what I considered to be child pornography. I never figured out if it was. But the girl looked very young. I imminently started spiraling into a panic. I compulsively started researching cases and penalties. I started to realize that it could of happened before. I had been looking at porn for five years. Who's to say that I didn't view child porn and not realize it before. Ive donated every computer Ive owned. Fragmented the hard drive but Im sure my computer logs are somewhere. Over a period of months things just escalated. I was certain that I was on some kind of FBI watch list. Eventually I thought that everyone I knew, knew what was going on. I king of held myself up in my dorm room and rarely came out. Eventually it culminated in two weeks where I really kind of lost touch with reality. I thought I was being followed whenever I left my dorm and believed that I was only minutes away from the FBI arresting me. Eventually my family stepped in. I wasn't sleeping and really not eating. I was able to get help and get on a prescription of Lexapro.
Ive gotten to the point where its not a constant fear but it still kind of eats at me. Ive also developed other anxieties. I have a lot of fear that hackers are going to hijack a profile or email I may have used and forgotten about and use it to store and distribute child porn and hack into other computers. I also have a lot of anxiety that a past girl friend or someone a slept with will accuse me of sexual assault. I know all the statistics which why even having such anxiety makes me feel like shit. I know five in 100 rapes are even brought to the police and I know of those only a small portion actually get prosecuted. Thats honestly why its so hard to talk about even saying that its something I think about makes me feel dirty. Its really hard to talk about my anxieties. Ive only told my mom and my therapist. My current girlfriend constantly asks about it because Ive told her I have bad anxiety about some not so rational stuff. But I feel really weird about discussing it. Saying you live in constant fear of being arrested for a sex crime makes you sound like a sex criminal.
I know this was long but I just want to know if anyone else has such anxiety. What coping mechanisms you use would be great to hear. I honestly also just wanted to post this and say I do have this anxiety. Thanks if you've gotten to the end of this post hahaha.
Ive always had anxiety. As a teen normal social anxiety along with hypochondria. I had a problem with violent intrusive thoughts that I could not stop. Did believe for a period of time I was some kind of sociopath. But I was able to get past such thoughts with help. The anxiety that really plagues me however has done so for around five years and I've honestly had mixed results in dealing with it. For a long period of time I have been in constant fear that I would be arrested and prosecuted for a sex crime. It started when I was 21 and a sophomore in college. I had watched porn since I was 16 and really considered it not exactly moral or okay, but at the very least perfectly harmless. To sum it up I was on a porn site called Xhamster which I had been on before when I saw what I considered to be child pornography. I never figured out if it was. But the girl looked very young. I imminently started spiraling into a panic. I compulsively started researching cases and penalties. I started to realize that it could of happened before. I had been looking at porn for five years. Who's to say that I didn't view child porn and not realize it before. Ive donated every computer Ive owned. Fragmented the hard drive but Im sure my computer logs are somewhere. Over a period of months things just escalated. I was certain that I was on some kind of FBI watch list. Eventually I thought that everyone I knew, knew what was going on. I king of held myself up in my dorm room and rarely came out. Eventually it culminated in two weeks where I really kind of lost touch with reality. I thought I was being followed whenever I left my dorm and believed that I was only minutes away from the FBI arresting me. Eventually my family stepped in. I wasn't sleeping and really not eating. I was able to get help and get on a prescription of Lexapro.
Ive gotten to the point where its not a constant fear but it still kind of eats at me. Ive also developed other anxieties. I have a lot of fear that hackers are going to hijack a profile or email I may have used and forgotten about and use it to store and distribute child porn and hack into other computers. I also have a lot of anxiety that a past girl friend or someone a slept with will accuse me of sexual assault. I know all the statistics which why even having such anxiety makes me feel like shit. I know five in 100 rapes are even brought to the police and I know of those only a small portion actually get prosecuted. Thats honestly why its so hard to talk about even saying that its something I think about makes me feel dirty. Its really hard to talk about my anxieties. Ive only told my mom and my therapist. My current girlfriend constantly asks about it because Ive told her I have bad anxiety about some not so rational stuff. But I feel really weird about discussing it. Saying you live in constant fear of being arrested for a sex crime makes you sound like a sex criminal.
I know this was long but I just want to know if anyone else has such anxiety. What coping mechanisms you use would be great to hear. I honestly also just wanted to post this and say I do have this anxiety. Thanks if you've gotten to the end of this post hahaha.