In desperate need of answers - can't fight Depersonalization anymore

[Mizzy]

Hello, thanks so much for reading. I've dealt with depersonalization since around the age of 10. The feeling is too disturbing for me to articulate, but I'm sure most of you know the horror that it entails. Well, after seven years of dealing with this and the amount of experience I've had with it just piling up by the day, it has gotten so bad that I can't even look at or think of certain family members such as my mom and dad because they bore witness to my most profound episodes, and it just reminds me of the feeling and re-triggers the "dream state" in my mind. Not only does the feeling get more horrifying by the year, but I'm also becoming a worse and more reclusive family member because of it. I've tried so hard to fight this battle internally, but I just can't shake this thing. But what can other people possibly do to help? I will still have these thoughts, I just know it, at this point they're the essence of how my mind works. I know there's no medication to deal with it either, or at least not specifically. Can someone please tell me how I can shake this thing? Have any pills worked for you? Do I have to live the rest of my life like this? I told myself when I was ten, "Eh, I guess my brain will become normal again when I'm 18 or something", but I was wrong. I've been dreaming of the day that I can finally call myself normal again, but it just won't come, and I feel like I've dug myself too deep. How am I gonna last dealing with these thoughts for the next decades of my life? I don't know if I'll even make it to 30, as I can't imagine living like this that long. I don't want it to come to suicide though, as that would really hurt my mom who already lost her brother to suicide and has depression of her own. I just need help, and I need it ASAP. Thanks for any answers.

[verDominai]

What happens when you go into the "dream state"? I had a friend who had several different personalities who would take over when she got triggered by something, I'm guessing it's not that severe for you? Anyway, I don't really know a solution here but if they were part of whatever happened back then maybe being around them too much isn't really a good thing and you need to go your own way.

[Mizzy]

My mind totally detaches from my body and surroundings. I enter this "third-person" mode, and just become consumed by the thoughts that come with it, questioning reality and whatnot. Makes going outside unbearable and gives me anxiety just thinking about slipping into it again. I can't just leave my parents, by the way, and they aren't the main issue, it just so happens that family ended up becoming one of the laundry list of things that trigger the feeling. I mentioned it because it sucks. It's no the main issue, it's just part of a bigger picture.

[verDominai]

Ah. That does suck. My family was directly part of and responsible for all the bad, so it was easier for me to distance myself so to speak. Do you have something to do or somewhere to go during the day? Maybe a distraction like a job or some voluntary work could get your mind off it for a while. Exercise of any sort is supposedly also a good distraction for depression. Sorry that I don't have any direct solutions.

[Risa72016]

Oh wow, I am so sorry for your troubled situation! I can't imagine how terrifying and disturbing it must feel for you. The closest I've come to experiencing something like that is having struggled through years of depression and suicidal thoughts. That was many years ago, and I want to encourage you that there is hope and help for you! From a physiological standpoint (to help your brain become normal), Mayo Clinic has some great information and resources for your specific condition. From a holistic standpoint, here is a great reference number to call and speak with a licensed counselor at Focus on the Family, at no cost to you, if you are interested: 855-382-5433. God has a great life for you, and you are worth fighting for! When I was at the bottom in my life, and thinking some of the very same thoughts as you have expressed (hopelessness, despair, fear, suicide), I couldn't take it any more or help myself anymore either. I called out in desperation to God, and He absolutely helped me turn my life around! Through a friend who was a Christian, I discovered who Jesus really was, and asked Him into my life. I also have been taking anti-depressant medication since that time, which helps my brain to function normally. God truly gave me my life back, and He wants to do the same for you. There is a verse in the bible that says: "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." I hope you will consider some of these things. I will be praying for you.

[Mizzy]

Eh, I'm an atheist, but thanks for the support.

[Risa72016]

OK, I understand. Perhaps just looking into the Mayo Clinic website or WebMD might help? I'll continue to pray for you.

[Anne1221]

Have you ever tried therapy or medication? It helps some people. It's a good starting place. Don't ever feel like you've dug yourself in too deep. You've tried you best to kick this thing on your own, now it might be time to get some professional help.

[Mizzy]

I've not come out about it because it's always seemed too absurd for others to understand. But I've been thinking about getting some medication for anxiety by the time I turn 18.