natedogg
06-05-2016, 07:25 PM
Hey all.
I came to this website because I am desperate for feedback/someone who may understand. I know this is long but I would be more than grateful if someone would read it through and could at least reply. Here it goes:
A few years back I fell into an obsessive habit of smoking pot - I was around 17 at the time and smoked weed every night before bed until I was around 18, early 19. I think I turned to this because I was anxious about life in general and thought that smoking weed everyday would mellow me out, make me happy, and contribute to the "bad boy" look I was going for. Boy, was I wrong. One night, while high, I knew that something was wrong in my head (I now know that it was suppressed anxiety that would actually intensify while high,) so I googled "symptoms that you're going crazy" which lead into "symptoms of schizophrenia." This is where it all started.
Long story short: I would google symptoms while high, sober, whenever I could. It's like my brain was trying to convince me that I was schizophrenic because I had never experienced such a strong, scary, and powerful feeling (that was my anxiety) up until then. I would look at all the symptoms and my brain would begin to make sense of them:
"Hearing voices inside your head" Okay, well I can hear my own thoughts, which are voices, so check me off!
"Feeling paranoid" Smoking weed at home with my parents and having developed social anxiety... Yup! Things like this. It made me miserable. I could not think clearly whatsoever, I was in an intense brain fog and was considering taking my life. I never told anyone anything, though.
I'm twenty years old now, will be 21 this October. I have gotten a lot better. I have started to develop a rational belief system and am loving the progress I've made after completing my own little therapy-book program. I know that, logically, the odds of me being schizophrenic, or ever developing it are close to none. My thoughts about it have become more rational. However, I struggle with what I would call a "brain lock." My brain seems to debate the topic whenever it has a chance or is unoccupied. Although I feel the pathways of it growing weaker, I have the word "schizophrenia" or "schizophrenic" pop into my brain almost all the time, though I know that its irrational. Although growing weaker, it has been the strongest topic my mind has been debating for the past two years.
I am DYING to open up about it. I would love to tell my mom (my closest friend), or my girlfriend. But I can't seem to get it out whenever I think about talking with them because I view it as being an extremely awkward topic: "Hey mom, I have to talk to you about something. Well, I used to think I was schizophrenic. I know I'm not but my brain debates it all the time and I don't know what to do!" I know if I open up about it I would feel LOADS better, but am somewhat fearful of judgement as I am a twenty year old 'man' and am skeptical as to whether I would get a confused look and close to no understanding. But whenever my mom asks "Do you want to talk about anything?" I respond with a "no" even though I am dying to let it out.
I just want this particular thought gone. I want to be free. I often think of how lucky everyone I hangout with are because they probably do not have this stupid, obsessive, irrational fear that tugs on their mind whenever it can. I admit that I let it in. I'm not sure how to take it out. I've read (on the few articles I've found on stuck irrational thoughts,) that you must simply accept these thoughts knowing that they're irrational and in time they will go away. I will also try to converse with my brain as to why I do not have schizophrenia (rational self-talk, as proposed in my CBT) but apparently that fuels the thoughts about it. Please help. Please offer any advice, tips, anything. I'm becoming desperate... I want to know that this thought will disappear one day but sometimes I doubt it as I said; It tugs on my mind whenever it can and has been doing so for years now.
*For the record, I have struggled with OCD like behaviors in the past (odd rituals that helped me cope with my anxieties.) However, this is the only "obsessive" thing I struggle with on a daily basis. I am not interested in taking medication. I know that when this thought fades I will be content with my mental state.*
I came to this website because I am desperate for feedback/someone who may understand. I know this is long but I would be more than grateful if someone would read it through and could at least reply. Here it goes:
A few years back I fell into an obsessive habit of smoking pot - I was around 17 at the time and smoked weed every night before bed until I was around 18, early 19. I think I turned to this because I was anxious about life in general and thought that smoking weed everyday would mellow me out, make me happy, and contribute to the "bad boy" look I was going for. Boy, was I wrong. One night, while high, I knew that something was wrong in my head (I now know that it was suppressed anxiety that would actually intensify while high,) so I googled "symptoms that you're going crazy" which lead into "symptoms of schizophrenia." This is where it all started.
Long story short: I would google symptoms while high, sober, whenever I could. It's like my brain was trying to convince me that I was schizophrenic because I had never experienced such a strong, scary, and powerful feeling (that was my anxiety) up until then. I would look at all the symptoms and my brain would begin to make sense of them:
"Hearing voices inside your head" Okay, well I can hear my own thoughts, which are voices, so check me off!
"Feeling paranoid" Smoking weed at home with my parents and having developed social anxiety... Yup! Things like this. It made me miserable. I could not think clearly whatsoever, I was in an intense brain fog and was considering taking my life. I never told anyone anything, though.
I'm twenty years old now, will be 21 this October. I have gotten a lot better. I have started to develop a rational belief system and am loving the progress I've made after completing my own little therapy-book program. I know that, logically, the odds of me being schizophrenic, or ever developing it are close to none. My thoughts about it have become more rational. However, I struggle with what I would call a "brain lock." My brain seems to debate the topic whenever it has a chance or is unoccupied. Although I feel the pathways of it growing weaker, I have the word "schizophrenia" or "schizophrenic" pop into my brain almost all the time, though I know that its irrational. Although growing weaker, it has been the strongest topic my mind has been debating for the past two years.
I am DYING to open up about it. I would love to tell my mom (my closest friend), or my girlfriend. But I can't seem to get it out whenever I think about talking with them because I view it as being an extremely awkward topic: "Hey mom, I have to talk to you about something. Well, I used to think I was schizophrenic. I know I'm not but my brain debates it all the time and I don't know what to do!" I know if I open up about it I would feel LOADS better, but am somewhat fearful of judgement as I am a twenty year old 'man' and am skeptical as to whether I would get a confused look and close to no understanding. But whenever my mom asks "Do you want to talk about anything?" I respond with a "no" even though I am dying to let it out.
I just want this particular thought gone. I want to be free. I often think of how lucky everyone I hangout with are because they probably do not have this stupid, obsessive, irrational fear that tugs on their mind whenever it can. I admit that I let it in. I'm not sure how to take it out. I've read (on the few articles I've found on stuck irrational thoughts,) that you must simply accept these thoughts knowing that they're irrational and in time they will go away. I will also try to converse with my brain as to why I do not have schizophrenia (rational self-talk, as proposed in my CBT) but apparently that fuels the thoughts about it. Please help. Please offer any advice, tips, anything. I'm becoming desperate... I want to know that this thought will disappear one day but sometimes I doubt it as I said; It tugs on my mind whenever it can and has been doing so for years now.
*For the record, I have struggled with OCD like behaviors in the past (odd rituals that helped me cope with my anxieties.) However, this is the only "obsessive" thing I struggle with on a daily basis. I am not interested in taking medication. I know that when this thought fades I will be content with my mental state.*