someguywhatever
05-26-2016, 01:51 AM
I have no one I can trust and talk to. I am completely alone, feel like a criminal/victim, and keep going to places that seem safe but actually aren't. I get the idea that its ok to go to a park where college students read, relax, do hula hoops, etc., however when I go to said park people sitting idly stare at me, making me feel self-conscious. I try to look away or make nonverbal movements showing that I'm uncomfortable being looked at, however they still look. When I went to said park today, I didn't have a big mind or anything like that in the first place, relating to the reason I went there, so that I could read, relax, meditate so I could think clearly and plan better with a clear mind. However going there made me feel like crap and singled out by others. I wasn't doing anything weird or beyond the ordinary.
I also have severe PTSD from dumbfounded and "I have to deal with this customer now" type of looks from cashiers and bartenders which follows me after I leave and stays with me in the "comfort" of my own living space. I'm frustrated that I can't just get food or order a drink at a restaurant and not get aggressive looks or power relationship crap involving the empty question "how are you?" from a cashier or bartender. I understand constant judging and kind of feel that therapy has somewhat brainwashed me into thinking that other people are perceiving, not judging. Everyday is pretty much a nightmare. My neighbor's dog wakes me up barking or some cleaner will vacuum loudly in the hallway of where I live. Random dicks in the complex/shopping center where I live rev their engine's loudly at all hours of the day. It's also extremely difficult for me to visualize and plan anything including my day. I'm constantly living in the moment and I've developed aphantasia. I can't figure out things like it's Tuesday or Friday at X time wherever I'm at so I can plan and feel ok. I'm unable to laugh at things which are objectively funny in reality. I'm supposed to feel "grateful" for where I live based upon what my parents say, even though traffic outside is annoying and people speaking loudly is annoying also. At things I'm annoyed by, I spend an undue amount of time rationalizing them even when I shouldn't have to. This leaves me with zero energy to do the things that I like to do, namely writing or anything creative. I've lost my ability to visualize and be on any mental wavelength. Meditation is difficult. I basically have to join into the people that are annoying me even when I'd rather do something else. I eat when I don't want to and feel forced to make a decision at "hippy" or vegetarian restaurants when I haven't analyzed the menu yet, because the cashier/waitress wants to do something else. I can't even say "I'm deciding/looking at the menu," leaving me to have to plan to interact with someone who isn't relaxed when all I want to do is maybe have some food on my table, sit, and read something for a while. I just want to be able to sit and read books at cafes and restaurants and not feel weird around staff and not be looked at strange by other people. I've had bad therapists in the past. I also google answers to my problems too often. I also smoke alot of cigarettes. I have a problem with seeing psychiatrists after a mental breakdown, because my inner mind and brain gets analyzed like its on a conveyor belt so it's not cared for properly. I don't have any friends around me to correct me if I'm doing something wrong or if I'm wearing unmatching socks for example. I'm not in college anymore. I don't know if anyone else feels this, but I feel like I'm constantly watched in public and all I want is some form of privacy when I'm out like when using a computer at a coffeeshop (what I do on the computer if I'm not doing anything illegal or infringing upon store policy is no one else's business unless I let others in...I want to have the option to let others in instead of having them looking and knowing everything all the time). I feel read and have no energy at all and it doesn't fluctuate. Music helps, writing as well, but it's not enough because I can't plan and if I start to enjoy music or movies, I'll forget my inability to plan and find work. I try to make song lyrics mean what I want to feel instead of what they actually mean when listening to them, which bites me in the back). Maybe it's the structure of a corporate employment/run society or I'm just angry. I just want to get to the bottom of why I'm not working. Smoking cigarettes is the only thing that makes me feel alive right now and I know it's bad for me. I've also been overdoing it with smoking. I just want to talk to someone who knows there is something wrong with the system/current model *wink wink*. I also don't think I use my computer correctly, I just do everything by memory alone and memory alone isn't working especially when I have to learn new things and quickly. My family can't help me as my parents are getting old and believes my health insurance company gives a damn about my mental health when the company just wants maximum profits and I'm just a pawn. I don't know what to do to pass the time anymore and time just keeps on dragging by and I keep seeing happy people running at lightspeed. Girls sometimes talk to me at coffeeshops and ask me what I think about the book that I'm reading and I have no response to give because I can't read while I'm at coffeeshops. Maybe words have power and the words I say have power, maybe that's it, I'm not sure. I also feel really awkward at coffeeshops, but that's the only place I can think of to go outside of the house to "plan." AND when I'm there I can't plan from where I sit; I just kind of feel about to get home, making body movements in the subconscious to get there, which involve dangers with traffic as I only have a bicycle to get everywhere and I'm in a big city with poor public transportation. I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced what I'm going through or is experiencing this. I also want to feel cool again and be around cool people from whatever opinion that I have about what's cool. I also think every girl that talks to me out of the blue, yelling or other wise, is my girlfriend when they are not because something I did made them interact with me. I can't really use facebook properly and chat to people I know because I automatically read whats on the newsfeed. I don't have anything in mind when I open up facebook or other websites. In short my brain isn't working, its causing me alot of problems, and I can't even interact with family. I don't know/wouldn't know what to do if something bad were to happen to someone else in my life being like this.
I used to be fun, outgoing, and somewhat introverted (reading or watching movies alone from time to time). I have become average in every way possible; I'm uncomfortable with that. I used to be a really strong writer and really intelligent, but now I'm not. I'm just caught up in social drama at cafes and businesses. I'm unable to work like this or even get work anywhere, including at Taco Bell or any other incredibly basic job. I learn literally everything the hard way. I can read, but I can't remember anything I read, just the "feel" of what's said and the writer's angle/viewpoint/mind, regardless of subject. I can't see anything objectively or even think in an objective manner. I don't feel like a mystery anymore. I used to be relatively at the top of the social pyramid, but now I'm at the bottom. (I was in law school, but for life goal reasons and because of better career goals I didn't try. Long story). I hate feeling like a pawn.
I know everything here is going to get quoted. I just want to talk to someone who won't quote me. I can't talk here about psychiatric treatment because I can figure out what moderators would say regarding that.
I also have severe PTSD from dumbfounded and "I have to deal with this customer now" type of looks from cashiers and bartenders which follows me after I leave and stays with me in the "comfort" of my own living space. I'm frustrated that I can't just get food or order a drink at a restaurant and not get aggressive looks or power relationship crap involving the empty question "how are you?" from a cashier or bartender. I understand constant judging and kind of feel that therapy has somewhat brainwashed me into thinking that other people are perceiving, not judging. Everyday is pretty much a nightmare. My neighbor's dog wakes me up barking or some cleaner will vacuum loudly in the hallway of where I live. Random dicks in the complex/shopping center where I live rev their engine's loudly at all hours of the day. It's also extremely difficult for me to visualize and plan anything including my day. I'm constantly living in the moment and I've developed aphantasia. I can't figure out things like it's Tuesday or Friday at X time wherever I'm at so I can plan and feel ok. I'm unable to laugh at things which are objectively funny in reality. I'm supposed to feel "grateful" for where I live based upon what my parents say, even though traffic outside is annoying and people speaking loudly is annoying also. At things I'm annoyed by, I spend an undue amount of time rationalizing them even when I shouldn't have to. This leaves me with zero energy to do the things that I like to do, namely writing or anything creative. I've lost my ability to visualize and be on any mental wavelength. Meditation is difficult. I basically have to join into the people that are annoying me even when I'd rather do something else. I eat when I don't want to and feel forced to make a decision at "hippy" or vegetarian restaurants when I haven't analyzed the menu yet, because the cashier/waitress wants to do something else. I can't even say "I'm deciding/looking at the menu," leaving me to have to plan to interact with someone who isn't relaxed when all I want to do is maybe have some food on my table, sit, and read something for a while. I just want to be able to sit and read books at cafes and restaurants and not feel weird around staff and not be looked at strange by other people. I've had bad therapists in the past. I also google answers to my problems too often. I also smoke alot of cigarettes. I have a problem with seeing psychiatrists after a mental breakdown, because my inner mind and brain gets analyzed like its on a conveyor belt so it's not cared for properly. I don't have any friends around me to correct me if I'm doing something wrong or if I'm wearing unmatching socks for example. I'm not in college anymore. I don't know if anyone else feels this, but I feel like I'm constantly watched in public and all I want is some form of privacy when I'm out like when using a computer at a coffeeshop (what I do on the computer if I'm not doing anything illegal or infringing upon store policy is no one else's business unless I let others in...I want to have the option to let others in instead of having them looking and knowing everything all the time). I feel read and have no energy at all and it doesn't fluctuate. Music helps, writing as well, but it's not enough because I can't plan and if I start to enjoy music or movies, I'll forget my inability to plan and find work. I try to make song lyrics mean what I want to feel instead of what they actually mean when listening to them, which bites me in the back). Maybe it's the structure of a corporate employment/run society or I'm just angry. I just want to get to the bottom of why I'm not working. Smoking cigarettes is the only thing that makes me feel alive right now and I know it's bad for me. I've also been overdoing it with smoking. I just want to talk to someone who knows there is something wrong with the system/current model *wink wink*. I also don't think I use my computer correctly, I just do everything by memory alone and memory alone isn't working especially when I have to learn new things and quickly. My family can't help me as my parents are getting old and believes my health insurance company gives a damn about my mental health when the company just wants maximum profits and I'm just a pawn. I don't know what to do to pass the time anymore and time just keeps on dragging by and I keep seeing happy people running at lightspeed. Girls sometimes talk to me at coffeeshops and ask me what I think about the book that I'm reading and I have no response to give because I can't read while I'm at coffeeshops. Maybe words have power and the words I say have power, maybe that's it, I'm not sure. I also feel really awkward at coffeeshops, but that's the only place I can think of to go outside of the house to "plan." AND when I'm there I can't plan from where I sit; I just kind of feel about to get home, making body movements in the subconscious to get there, which involve dangers with traffic as I only have a bicycle to get everywhere and I'm in a big city with poor public transportation. I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced what I'm going through or is experiencing this. I also want to feel cool again and be around cool people from whatever opinion that I have about what's cool. I also think every girl that talks to me out of the blue, yelling or other wise, is my girlfriend when they are not because something I did made them interact with me. I can't really use facebook properly and chat to people I know because I automatically read whats on the newsfeed. I don't have anything in mind when I open up facebook or other websites. In short my brain isn't working, its causing me alot of problems, and I can't even interact with family. I don't know/wouldn't know what to do if something bad were to happen to someone else in my life being like this.
I used to be fun, outgoing, and somewhat introverted (reading or watching movies alone from time to time). I have become average in every way possible; I'm uncomfortable with that. I used to be a really strong writer and really intelligent, but now I'm not. I'm just caught up in social drama at cafes and businesses. I'm unable to work like this or even get work anywhere, including at Taco Bell or any other incredibly basic job. I learn literally everything the hard way. I can read, but I can't remember anything I read, just the "feel" of what's said and the writer's angle/viewpoint/mind, regardless of subject. I can't see anything objectively or even think in an objective manner. I don't feel like a mystery anymore. I used to be relatively at the top of the social pyramid, but now I'm at the bottom. (I was in law school, but for life goal reasons and because of better career goals I didn't try. Long story). I hate feeling like a pawn.
I know everything here is going to get quoted. I just want to talk to someone who won't quote me. I can't talk here about psychiatric treatment because I can figure out what moderators would say regarding that.