Can you hear the chaos in my mind

[Dr Feelgood]

I love my Family dearly, so I could never take my own life .
It belongs to them and is not mine for the taking and and I would not cause them so much pain and loss .
Even though I don't want to end my life ,I feel like the place I'm in now within my deppression ,it would push many people over the edge , and has of course taken many poor souls from their loved ones .
The random visions I have sometimes are glimpses of the past ,and some are just bizarre and meaningless .l
I have developed a fear of eating ang struggle to have a decent meal each day ,I'm forcing what I eat and fear the sight of food or even hearing people talk about it ,the weight loss is worrying and I'm frightened by it .
I'm upsetting my family and the burden of guilt is hard to carry ,no matter how hard I try I cannot get over this period of terrible darkness .
The cold harsh grip of this silent ,invisible illness has a tight hold on me and I struggle to breath in this choking dark place.
I try to watch tv or read but I cannot concentrate ,I have lost all interest in my life and spend a lot of the time laying down and in turn I'm wasting my days away .
I do say at times I wish I was dead but this is the pain and torment talking ,I pray all the time not for help but for guidance ,I don't know if there is a god but I do believe in the force of life itself .
After all we are all driven by the electrical impulses sent from our brains to our bodies,a force so powerful it can create and end life ,my will to survive is great but the pain is also great ,the constant battle between them is tiring but sleep does not come easy ,and the brain goes on and on ,and the depression tells me lies and upsets me ,it is a terrible thing we have to live with as anyone who reads this will understand , there are no days or nights in my life just one continued barrage of torment and confusion .
My wife thinks my mind will be that overcome that I will take my own life ,but I promise her this will never happen .
For as blind to all I have good in life this thing makes me ,I will continue to battle on and maybe one day I will hold my wonderful life in my hands again .
So hear this ,read it this is the chaos in my mind .
Hear my prayers whatever wherever you are and show me the way and I will do the rest .

[deadbolt]

Amen. I know how you feel, it's all encompassing sometimes. I had to shop around for a faith until I found one that works for me. Obscure as it is, it seems to be giving me a little hope. I know how you feel, it's a vicious circle and it's certainly not a good place to be but sometimes that's just the way it is-- the story of our lives. I can't offer much advice other than the usual 'hang in there,' but your post/prayer touched me and I thank you for that.

[Kirk]

It may help you to talk to clergy, who may give you a different insight into your torment and help
guide you the way out. I am not religious, but I do pray sometimes.

[Dr Feelgood]

It may help you to talk to clergy, who may give you a different insight into your torment and help
guide you the way out. I am not religious, but I do pray sometimes.
Thanks for your comments.
I wonder if like me ,anyone else is always searching for a particular reason why they feel the way they do.
I have and do search for an answer most days,but there is never any solid reason as to the way I feel ,and most days are very hard .
I don't wish to seem like I'm living in my depression but it's hard not to when it's with me every minute of my life ,
If you have a headache take a couple of pain killers and it goes away , but not this it never goes away .
I used to have periods of relief but not anymore today was hard and I'm very tired right now ,but I fear tomorrow so much I will sleep little tonight.
The fear of another day,having to force down another meal ,the fear of seeing the pain reflected in my Wife's eyes as she struggles to see me suffer.
I try to go for walks and listen to music or try to read but my mind seems to override all these things ,
I can find no peace within this mind ,a broken confused mind always looking for an answer ,for some peace
At times I feel on the verge of madness, as the misery becomes overwhelming .
As I know another day will come and I will battle my way through it ,will I have peace one day will I enjoy the sunshine and the life I have and will the cold numbness go away .
Let me go,whatever you are,you have caused me enough pain ,and I have carried you for so many years.
Leave me now and return to the darkness where you belong ,but do not take another poor soul ,for I would not wish you on anything Man or Beast .
There must be some good powerful force in this life, were there is Bad there must be Good ,if I reach out will you catch my fall !

[Anne1221]

Have you ever seen a therapist or tried medication? You seem like a good candidate for that.

[Dr Feelgood]

Have you ever seen a therapist or tried medication? You seem like a good candidate for that.
Thanks for you comments .
I've been on all the medication available over the last 25 years or more and have recieved phychatric help in the past and at present .
I've been told I'm medication resistant ,I've tried all the therapies going ,but nothing works for me .
I understand it is only me who can get myself out of this situation but it isn't easy ,when I feel so deppresed .

[Anne1221]

Oh my gosh, that is awful that nothing works. I can't imagine how hard my life would be if my antidepressant didn't work. I've gone off it three times, but had to get back on it quick, as I spiraled so far down. I usually don't recommend anything stronger than an antidepressant because I know about those (I've been on almost all of them at one time or another) but I did find this:

Another new antidepressant, Symbyax, combines the active ingredient in Prozac with the active ingredient in Zyprexa. This combination medicine is the first drug approved by the FDA to specifically treat acute treatment-resistant depression.

[Dr Feelgood]

Oh my gosh, that is awful that nothing works. I can't imagine how hard my life would be if my antidepressant didn't work. I've gone off it three times, but had to get back on it quick, as I spiraled so far down. I usually don't recommend anything stronger than an antidepressant because I know about those (I've been on almost all of them at one time or another) but I did find this:

Another new antidepressant, Symbyax, combines the active ingredient in Prozac with the active ingredient in Zyprexa. This combination medicine is the first drug approved by the FDA to specifically treat acute treatment-resistant depression.
Thanks again for your comments .
I was on Prozac many years ago and it did work for about 3 months or so, I've not heard of the other drug you mentioned but you know what ,I'm 57 now and I think my mind and body are all screwed up from all these years of different Meds .
I think it's time to try and get by without them ,I don't want to live my life feeling terrible all the time and all this medication can't be good for me .
I have a very loving family and I'm sure i will feel better one day ,I know over the years I have done much good in my life ,and maybe it will give me something back soon .
I will continue to pray to whatever power there may be and maybe it will cut me a break ,if not for me do it for my wife and 2 daughters.
All they want is their Husband and Father back the man who would laugh and joke all the time ,he,s in here somewhere he just needs to find his way out.