Has anxiety ever made you create a bad situation when things are kgoing so well?

[Halli]

I posted this on another forum but maybe it's better here.


Hi all,
New here, though as a long term sufferer of anxiety I have stumbled upon this place many times.

Basically I've noticed a pattern that has gotten worse and more extreme over the last few years. When things are going really well I will deliberately sabotage it to make my anxieties worse. The latest one has been the worst and I have attempted suicide a few times since. I feel like I did something that is so detached from who i am and expected a backlash when I did it. It's as if I wanted to punish myself and push people away. The thing is what I think I did was an anxiety in itself . Its almost like a bomb went off in my head and I was determined to ruin everything. I have since gone back on medication, spoken to my psychiatrist, boyfriend, friends and family and they have all been so amazing, but I can't get past it. Things were better than ever at the time, it was a real turning point in my life and now I am at my lowest.

I am just wondering if others have felt this way? I know self sabotage is common, but making horrible anxieties a reality in the process with the intention of isolating yourself?

[Kirk]

I am very sorry you are feeling so poorly. I hope the medication and therapy make you feel better soon. Please do not attempt suicide as think
positively as people do care for you and worry about you.

[Prince Romeo]

I posted this on another forum but maybe it's better here.


Hi all,
New here, though as a long term sufferer of anxiety I have stumbled upon this place many times.

Basically I've noticed a pattern that has gotten worse and more extreme over the last few years. When things are going really well I will deliberately sabotage it to make my anxieties worse. The latest one has been the worst and I have attempted suicide a few times since. I feel like I did something that is so detached from who i am and expected a backlash when I did it. It's as if I wanted to punish myself and push people away. The thing is what I think I did was an anxiety in itself . Its almost like a bomb went off in my head and I was determined to ruin everything. I have since gone back on medication, spoken to my psychiatrist, boyfriend, friends and family and they have all been so amazing, but I can't get past it. Things were better than ever at the time, it was a real turning point in my life and now I am at my lowest.

I am just wondering if others have felt this way? I know self sabotage is common, but making horrible anxieties a reality in the process with the intention of isolating yourself?

Hi Halli.

I think I know exactly what you're going through. I have a feeling I also struggle with this. And this is my theory on it, but it's not set in stone: I think we are so accustomed to feelings of anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation and other abnormal thoughts that even when things seem to be going well for us, we either continue our path of negativity or we spiral even further down that dark tunnel of isolation. Again, this is only a theory.

Everyone's experiences are unique, so I don't have the authority to speak for yours. But it sounds like maybe you get exhausted from all of those good things happening because you aren't sure how to even respond to them when you are probably expecting bad things instead because you feel more familiar towards them. This is how I most certainly feel in my own situation. Would you agree with this at all?

For example, I was at dialysis yesterday and during my treatment I had a very monotonously depressive conversation with my social worker even though I brought up some wonderful news about getting the ok from my hematologist to begin a future treatment that I have been fighting tooth and nail to initiate for about a year now with my endocrinologist. Yet I felt terribly depressed and anxious. Maybe it was from the incredible low I felt from previous alcohol consumption. But I was already self-sabotaging myself before beginning this therapy with my endo. It's like I already lost before I have begun. Is that how you are feeling, Halli? If so, I know that feeling all too well. It causes others not to want to be within my vicinity. It's a great way to withdraw yourself. Just know, you aren't the only one with this.

-P.S. Cayman

[Halli]

Hi Halli.

I think I know exactly what you're going through. I have a feeling I also struggle with this. And this is my theory on it, but it's not set in stone: I think we are so accustomed to feelings of anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation and other abnormal thoughts that even when things seem to be going well for us, we either continue our path of negativity or we spiral even further down that dark tunnel of isolation. Again, this is only a theory.

Everyone's experiences are unique, so I don't have the authority to speak for yours. But it sounds like maybe you get exhausted from all of those good things happening because you aren't sure how to even respond to them when you are probably expecting bad things instead because you feel more familiar towards them. This is how I most certainly feel in my own situation. Would you agree with this at all?

For example, I was at dialysis yesterday and during my treatment I had a very monotonously depressive conversation with my social worker even though I brought up some wonderful news about getting the ok from my hematologist to begin a future treatment that I have been fighting tooth and nail to initiate for about a year now with my endocrinologist. Yet I felt terribly depressed and anxious. Maybe it was from the incredible low I felt from previous alcohol consumption. But I was already self-sabotaging myself before beginning this therapy with my endo. It's like I already lost before I have begun. Is that how you are feeling, Halli? If so, I know that feeling all too well. It causes others not to want to be within my vicinity. It's a great way to withdraw yourself. Just know, you aren't the only one with this.

-P.S. Cayman

Thank you both for your replies. Price Romeo, that's pretty much the nail on the head though in my case I think I did something to make things go wrong. And I know I have self sabotaged in the past but nothing like this. Every time good things are arOund me I try to push people away or break their trust, which is so bizarre because the people around me are so good and lovely. No matter what I tell them they try to make me feel better, I dont want to, I don't think I deserve to, I think I caused a situation on purpose (while very drunk, something I would never in my wildest dreams have thought I was capable of or ever thought of doing before, it's something that terrifies me).

Prince Romeo I hope everything works out well with your dialysis. have confidence in yourself and you will get through it.

[Kirk]

I remember going through a tough time from September 2012 to August 2013 when first my mother passed away,
then my father and then my uncle. It was tough for me, but I had to move forward as I had no choice.

[Prince Romeo]

Thank you both for your replies. Price Romeo, that's pretty much the nail on the head though in my case I think I did something to make things go wrong. And I know I have self sabotaged in the past but nothing like this. Every time good things are arOund me I try to push people away or break their trust, which is so bizarre because the people around me are so good and lovely. No matter what I tell them they try to make me feel better, I dont want to, I don't think I deserve to, I think I caused a situation on purpose (while very drunk, something I would never in my wildest dreams have thought I was capable of or ever thought of doing before, it's something that terrifies me).

Prince Romeo I hope everything works out well with your dialysis. have confidence in yourself and you will get through it.

It's not fair to blame yourself for something that has been conditioned into you somehow; whether through the environment, childhood, family or some sort of trauma that took place in your life. Blaming yourself for this, as well as any other problems you face in your life, will not solve them. I guarantee you that. You don't have to be this way and I am learning that I do not have to be this way either. You know what we need to do, Halli? Instead of blaming ourselves for our own misfortunes, we need to reprogram our negative thoughts into positive ones. This will be no effortless task by any means because, as I said in my earlier post, we feel "safe" with our own negativity and do not know of any other way to live. The best things in life are always earned through hard work. No, it won't be easy but it'll be worth it!:)

-P.S. Cayman

[KeepYourCalm]

Hi,

Well, first of all thank you for sharing your story. You're very brave, you know. :)

Then as someone who contemplated suicide several times at one stage in the past, I can only say that it was the best decision in my life not to take action on it. At one point the knowledge that I had "a quick way out of the game" whenever I had had enough gave me a sense of control, freedom and dignity. But I never attempted it and now, looking back several years later I couldn't be happier about that.

As for your point on self-sabotaging yourself only to make your worst anxieties come true, that's a pattern that I also recognize in myself. I mean it's a lot better now but at its worst I had serious trouble experiencing positive emotions, trusting people and accepting anything valuable in life. Be it as simple as a compliment from a friend or as grand as an award at my graduation ceremony, I just refused to accept these kinds of things. In fact, I didn't even show up on my graduation ceremony.

For me I think it was about a deep-seated fear of losing the hope, the joy and the fulfillment that comes with accepting the good things in life. My philosophy had been that the moment things start really going well, I risk them taking a turn for the worse. So for me, as weird as it may sound, it was safer to hit rock bottom and to stay there becasue I knew that at least, there was nothing lower than that. There was nothing more to lose or risk losing.

In that sense detachment gave me a very real sense of security and predictability, which to me at that point was incredibly valuable.

But I've gone through an incredible tranformation since then. I've almost become a different human being. And I'm pretty sure that you also carry the seed of transformation within yourself. So please nurture that seed and it will grow. We all have the power and the ability to become a better version of ourselves. :) I'm rooting for you!

[Halli]

Hi,

Well, first of all thank you for sharing your story. You're very brave, you know. :)

Then as someone who contemplated suicide several times at one stage in the past, I can only say that it was the best decision in my life not to take action on it. At one point the knowledge that I had "a quick way out of the game" whenever I had had enough gave me a sense of control, freedom and dignity. But I never attempted it and now, looking back several years later I couldn't be happier about that.

As for your point on self-sabotaging yourself only to make your worst anxieties come true, that's a pattern that I also recognize in myself. I mean it's a lot better now but at its worst I had serious trouble experiencing positive emotions, trusting people and accepting anything valuable in life. Be it as simple as a compliment from a friend or as grand as an award at my graduation ceremony, I just refused to accept these kinds of things. In fact, I didn't even show up on my graduation ceremony.

For me I think it was about a deep-seated fear of losing the hope, the joy and the fulfillment that comes with accepting the good things in life. My philosophy had been that the moment things start really going well, I risk them taking a turn for the worse. So for me, as weird as it may sound, it was safer to hit rock bottom and to stay there becasue I knew that at least, there was nothing lower than that. There was nothing more to lose or risk losing.

In that sense detachment gave me a very real sense of security and predictability, which to me at that point was incredibly valuable.

But I've gone through an incredible tranformation since then. I've almost become a different human being. And I'm pretty sure that you also carry the seed of transformation within yourself. So please nurture that seed and it will grow. We all have the power and the ability to become a better version of ourselves. :) I'm rooting for you!

What your saying about hitting rock bottom...that is so me, it's like that's where I'm used to being , and I feel like my attempts at self sabotage was my trying to put myself there. I also realised that if I make someone feel bad, I do something worse to myself to make them feel better, something embarrassing, this is usually when I am drunk to be fair, but I have this weird pattern of punishing myself or others on a weird way , I dunno . I'm so glad you are feeling better and have worked through your issues.

[TreeStar]

I don't know if this is the same, but I know I get scared a lot when things are going well that things are going to go bad quickly. Most often it is because I do something stupid which ruins things, sometimes I don't even realise I'm doing it.

[Prince Romeo]

Another reason why I think anxiety can make a good situation seem bad is because all things must come to an end. I think we really have a fear of the good ending and would rather it not begin at all, because the end of it is just too painful. For instance, I always am very sad when my brother and his wife come to visit my dad and me because I know he has to return to his Navy base shortly and I won't see him again for quite some time. The end of his time being with me is so saddening and heart-pounding that I cannot even enjoy his visit. Just one of countless examples on how I experience this terrible feeling.

-P.S. Cayman