Well, hello

[A.shrink.in.the.making]

Hi. I'm kinda new here. Just signed up.
Not quite sure what I'm supposed to write here, so I'll just say I'm a med student, I'm 23, and I have been coping with depression and anxiety for many many years now.
Not currently seeing a doctor because, well it's a long story and it's sort of intertwined with my symptoms and way of thinking. Reason why I'm here? To put it simply, I have no one to talk to. The one friend that I had that was familiar with my life to this extent is gone now. Apparently, I'm a dick. And my family is beautiful but they too have a lot on their plates and I just can't bring myself to put them through all my bullsh*t again.
So that's it. I'm here to meet some kindred spirits, potentially even help someone with my experiences if I can.

[TreeStar]

Hey
I love how you are thinking of your family (which means soooo means you're not a dick ;) )
Hopefully this place will help you, though I wish you would considered talking to a doctor. I understand you have your reasons. It took me a long time before I went to seek help from anytone in the medic proffession.

[A.shrink.in.the.making]

Thanks TreeStar. I did use to go to a psychiatrist. And than about 2 years ago I decided to drop my meds and make it on my on somehow. It's ups and downs.

[TreeStar]

I have never found meds that have agreed with me. It's brave to make it on your own, so long as you know there are people out there who can help you if you need it (there seems like quite a lot of support here).

I've been put on a 'Mindfullness course' that starts next week. I'm hoping that will help.

[A.shrink.in.the.making]

Well I'm not big on relying on others but maybe that can change with a few nice people around here :) We'll see. Good luck with your course

[Kirk]

If you are a med student then you must be pretty on the ball. I think as you age and get established, your anxiety will dissipate.

[A.shrink.in.the.making]

Now here is where we disagree Captain. What you call being on the ball, I call barely staying afloat. Yes I am a med student, but I never said I was a great one. And yes, I do have a pretty great family, and that is sort of what makes me feel even worse. I didn't have a traumatic childhood, or abusive parents, or anything truly bad and horrible happen to me. And yet, I was suicidal for the better part of my life. I never felt like I belong, I never felt like I will achieve anything. I still don't. I'm painfully average, I can't take criticism because it makes me burn inside and feel like crap and feel panic and feel like I'm being torn to pieces even tho it was just a mild remark that was said to me.
Take today as an example. I just got back from my pathophysiology lab. There, I was to read some lab results and figure out what is wrong with this 'virtual patient'. And when I was asked, I had no idea what the problem was, so I just went with the first random thing that came to me. The assistant corrected me, she wasn't even being particularly harsh, but, somehow that little thing brought me back all the feelings I've been suppressing. So in a matter of seconds I went from being all smiley and happy to drawing razor blades and blood in my notebook.
So no, I don't think it will dissipate. This is who I am, this is what I become.... somehow.

[TreeStar]

Well I'm not big on relying on others but maybe that can change with a few nice people around here :) We'll see. Good luck with your course

Me neither, which is why it took me a while to seek help. I thought it was a sign of weakness to be honest. I'm still finding it weird talking about to people, mostly cos there is still the stigma attached.
Is there anyone on hand you can talk to about how you are feeling? Like a guidance councillor where you are studying?

[A.shrink.in.the.making]

No, we don't really have those. I think at least. I don't know, technically, I could go to the clinic, but too many people know me there. Other students, professors. I can't deal with that. And going back to my old shrink would mean having to face him and probably having to tell my parents I need help again. I'm sort of trying to avoid that. That's why I figured bitching about it on a forum might help :)

[TreeStar]

Oh... we have a student support worker at mine when we could go talk to them. And a mental health team which gave councelling.
Is there a nearby clinic you can go to where nobody knows you?
I can see why you wouldn't want to tell your parents. But hey, if bitching about it on a foum helps, go for it!