kman87
05-08-2016, 05:34 PM
Hey out there, My name is Kyle and I've been suffering with panic and dissociation disorder for a few years now. It used to not bother me, I used to be able to just push it away and not care. For a long time I've worked and trained for a few hospital careers and loved the rush of adrenaline, getting panic attacks before going to another medical emergency would make me better for the job, it would never stress me out it would just give me the needed rush of chemicals to focus and hone my skills.
I would always have the occasional one off panic attack or depersonalization episode which would leave me rattled for no more than a few seconds on or off work, and my day would continue without problem. I quit doing the medical thing do to financial problems and a few other reasons. Since then I have had worse panic and dissociation than ever before. I am recently married and starting at a new job. I had the suspicion these could be the factors making this worse, but it seems just like a long time coming for my brain to crap out on me. It's very embarrassing for me to go to work basically shaking in fear of the next attack. It's also very embarrassing to be like this in front of my wife, she walks around knowing my brain is a piece of glass teetering on the edge of the stairs, it bothers her and that makes me feel depressed. I feel horrible that she has to see me like this. I have thoughts that she made a mistake marrying a mental case. I feel like I'm losing control of my life, I feel like I've been in a dream for so long. I use alcohol and drugs to numb my pain and fear, I feel like that makes it worse in the long run. Weed makes me feel more real, but once again I feel like this may have made everything worse in the first place. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I'm both looking and not looking forward to it. But I'm finally going to throw it all on the table. I'm tired of only feeling kinda safe on my couch under a blanket, I want my life back, I want to hold me wife and be ok and let her know I'll be ok.
Wish me luck tomorrow, I feel better knowing people on these sites know what I'm going through and are supportive. Positive vibes to everybody out there struggling.
I would always have the occasional one off panic attack or depersonalization episode which would leave me rattled for no more than a few seconds on or off work, and my day would continue without problem. I quit doing the medical thing do to financial problems and a few other reasons. Since then I have had worse panic and dissociation than ever before. I am recently married and starting at a new job. I had the suspicion these could be the factors making this worse, but it seems just like a long time coming for my brain to crap out on me. It's very embarrassing for me to go to work basically shaking in fear of the next attack. It's also very embarrassing to be like this in front of my wife, she walks around knowing my brain is a piece of glass teetering on the edge of the stairs, it bothers her and that makes me feel depressed. I feel horrible that she has to see me like this. I have thoughts that she made a mistake marrying a mental case. I feel like I'm losing control of my life, I feel like I've been in a dream for so long. I use alcohol and drugs to numb my pain and fear, I feel like that makes it worse in the long run. Weed makes me feel more real, but once again I feel like this may have made everything worse in the first place. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I'm both looking and not looking forward to it. But I'm finally going to throw it all on the table. I'm tired of only feeling kinda safe on my couch under a blanket, I want my life back, I want to hold me wife and be ok and let her know I'll be ok.
Wish me luck tomorrow, I feel better knowing people on these sites know what I'm going through and are supportive. Positive vibes to everybody out there struggling.