can somebody who's experienced help me??

[punkgod94]

Sorry in advance for the one big paragraph?

I've been having a real hard time lately and one of the things that's been bothering me is money and moving out into my own place. I just can't take living with my family anymore. I'm 24 and I live in my mom's basement. I used to share a bedroom with my 19 year old brother on the 2nd floor, but my girlfriend moved into my house for awhile. Now I feel stuck in the basement because my brother has a steady girlfriend and all that, and we BOTH need our privacy. But the house is only 2 bedrooms, and my mom takes up the smaller of the two. I know some of you might say 'well, why not just switch rooms with your brother' but to be honest I think the lack of daylight and fresh air has only made my anxiety worse. Either that or it's naturally progressing....not sure which.

In any case, I started seeing a new psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar type II disorder and I'm on Lamictal for it. I'm still not sure that I'm bipolar though. I have "symptoms" of depression, but never really felt that depression has hindered my life except the fact that I'm ALWAYS tired. I was going to have a sleep study done to address the tiredness, but I had an anxiety attack for most of the day and couldn't follow through with it. It was separation anxiety times 1,000. Anyway, my point was that I wouldn't want to ask my brother to switch rooms with me for two reasons...1) this room is HORRIBLE for ANYONE to live in. 2) I'm a musician and I've slowly built a small studio that would never fit in the upstairs bedroom. It wouldn't be right to be keeping my stuff in HIS room if we switched. So now I'm stuck in a pickle.

I feel like I need to just get away from the sources of my anxiety, but at the same time I dont know if it will just redirect itself towards my girlfriend instead of my brother and mom if we move in with each other. We've been together for just over 3 years but it's pretty serious. But more importantly I don't think we can even AFFORD to rent an apartment. I'm an assistant scientist at a major pharmaceutical company performing research to treat/cure COPD. You would think that the job pays GREAT, and to some it might. I make about 40k a year, most of which I'm able to save, and I throw a good portion into my retirement account.

My girlfriend isn't so lucky and doesn't make nearly as much. She doesn't have a college degree yet (working on an associates for veterinary technology) And she works at a vet hospital as a tech, AND a pet store to get her 40 hours a week. She makes $12 an hour at both jobs, and she has to pay for a car she leased, insurance, cell phone, and $400 a month in rent which pretty much sucks her paycheck up completely. I'm lucky in that all I have to pay is insurance for my car and for my student loans. Eventually though I'll have to buy a new car too as mine is a '97 with 120+ thousand miles on it.

So my question is...other people manage to get by, how the hell can I possibly stretch this money to make us get by without resorting to getting an apartment in a shitty neighborhood??? I don't even know what I can technically afford if my car would break cause then I'd have a car payment too. Not to mention taxes, electricity, heat/air conditioning, oil, gas, cell phone, cable, internet, and other bills that you have to pay when you get your own place (don't even know what half of them are).

Also since I'm a musician I'd eventually like to have my own house so I dont have to worry about neighbors bitching but unless I make it rich and save for another 6 years, I dont see that hapenning. Even if I saved for over 6 years, I wouldn't want to because I want to move out on my own with my girlfriend, like a normal human being, by the time I'm 30 (no offense to those still living at home too...I feel your pain) But if I get an apartment I'll never be able to move out into a house either cause I wont have enough money to save. It just seems like I'm supossed to have this GREAT job and I can't even move out into an apartment! Does anybody have some advice? Please don't post sympathies, Id rather just have some straight out advice...not to be rude. Thanks everybody :(

[northstar]

hi punkgod, i don't have time to give you a proper reply now, i just wanted you to know that i've read your post and am thinking of a reply. i share similar worries about buying a home and what kinds of rent and stuff i can afford, it's not an uncommon worry these days, it really does seem impossible. i'll share with you what my boyfriend and i have figured out and hopefully it will help you out a little.

but for now i have to go visit the doc cause i'm sick and feeling very sorry for myself lol. and then i have to go to work but i'll write a reply as soon as i have a proper chance, i don't want to just rattle off a quick one now.

talk to you soon :)

[Carla]

Hello
I realise that you dont have a lot of money but could you and your girlfriend not save a little each week or month towards somewhere to live or could you manage without a car?? Cut back on the non essential items that you pay for? I know that you dont want anywhere horrid to live but unless you have a lot of money,maybe you could find somewhere that isnt so bad for what you can afford to start off with. I am sure that living in a basement with lack of daylight and fresh air is bound to make you feel worse! It wld make me depressed. I am in the middle of moving and got a really good deal on a house due to how low house prices are now as nobody here in uk is buying. I started off living in grotty bedsits at 17, but it was better for me and gave me more independence than living at home with my parents. I didnt have a car because I wanted the money to go towards the rent. I realise you want somewhere really nice to live in but maybe if you lowered your sight a little and got somewhere more basic to begin with and started off with that, and then aim towards something better eventually when you both have more money and your girlfriend has graduated? That has to be better then being in a basement with no light in it? That cannot be good for how you are feeling? You say you need to get away from your sources of anxiety and maybe a move away and a new start with your girlfriend will help but depending on the source of anxiety you havee be beware you could always be taking those sources with you, wherever you move to, be it somewhere horrid or somewhere gorgeous to live in. I know that when I move into my new place that my problem with anxiety will still be there with me - it will have just moved with me. I just have to learn to deal with it wherever I go to. It is expensive moving away from home. I moved out of home when I was 17 years old but you do survive, bills and all the rest and carry on, otherwise you would never leave your parents home. It can be tough but if you can make sure the rent plus bills are able to be paid each month then it can be done. Make a list of what are non essential and essential items you need to have and can do away with. Make a budget sheet. If you cannot afford it could you get another better paid job or take on an additional job.? There are always ways to improve on a bad situation.People do cope othwerwise everyone wld still be living in their parents homes. I hope it works out for you.

[punkgod94]

Thanks northstar, I appreciate your concern and look forward to your reply.

And thanks to you too Carla. I'm more conerned about living in not such a nice area more so for my girlfriends sake. I want her to be able to walk outside without me having to worry. Thanks for all your ideas though. Its such a messy world today :(

[Carla]

Hi!
Thats ok, no need for thanks. You sound like a good boyfriend, worrying about your girlfriend. Thats nice. I wish I could help you solve your problem. It is difficult I know, especially in these financially difficult times. Could you move in with your girlfriend where she lives? Just a thought. I know it is not easy getting onto the first rung of the property ladder these days, especially here in the uk. As I mentioned in my previous message, I left home at 17 and went from renting, and moved several times when renting, to owning my own house. I went without having a car to pay for rent, and the mortgage, and cut back on all non essential items, and sometimes it was a real struggle, but then paying for a mortgage and bills and all the rest, unless your wealthy, often is these days. Could you maybe find a place with your girlfriend and rent out a room to a lodger/friend to begin with, to help pay for the place? Maybe when your girlfriend has graduated and has a better paying job then it will become easier? I hope you find a solution.

[punkgod94]

I don't want to move in with my girlfriend where she lives lol. She lives at home with her mom and two aunts. I can't take that many people in such a small house with SO many pets (4 dogs, 6 cats, 2 rats and a lizard), not to mention only one bathroom and no space for me lol. My girlfriend has serious job committment issues and she just got fired from another job (she previously left 2 other jobs either without giving 2 weeks notice or just not coming back again before the 2 weeks was up). So I'm basically fending for myself. I love my girlfriend and it doesn't seem like a good enough reason to break up with her when we get along so great. I know she's going to be like this forever with job committment problems so it leaves the financial burden on me. Granted I can potentially in time (20-30 years) make 60-80k easily. Then she wouldn't even need to work if she didn't want to, but we're not near there yet lol. Thanks for the thoughts though. I'm just trying to figure out how to make this work in the longrun.

[Carla]

No dont move in with your girlfriend then lol How do they fit that many people and animals into 1 small house!!! :unsure: :o Your girlfriend will need to take work committments seriously if you are both living together whilst you need and rely on 2 wages to contribute towards the house. As far as I can see there are only 2 solutions that I can think of...one being that you put 2 wages together and get a lodger in as well to help pay for a place or two being that you set your sights a little lower just to begin with where you live so it is affordable. If you cant afford somewhere that you really want to be then you you will have to settle for less, just until both your financial situation improves. Other than that stay as you are, but that doesnt sound like it is making you happy. Unless you are wealthy then you have to think of solutions such as that otherwise no one would ever leave home. I struggled to begin with, but it was worth it jsut for the independence of living away from my parents, but as you get older and you earn more money and combine 2 wages things do get a little easier and you get better places to live in. This is just my perspective on it though. Maybe others can help you with more suggestions?

[northstar]

hallo again punkgod, i'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, life has been very busy for me lately! i understand the worries you have quite well, getting out on your own is not easy.

it seems from your post, and perhaps i am wrong, that your mindset at the moment is very negative. don't get me wrong, i understand this too, where you are is very difficult never mind having all the anxiety/bipolar/depression issues on top of everything else. but i feel that part of the reson for you feeling so stuck is because of the anxious/negative thoughts telling you you can't do stuff, finding problems with every possible way out of your situation. so first of all i think you need to work on having a more positive mindset, instead of looking at all the problems and suffocating under the weight of them you need to work at figuring out what you CAN do to solve your predicament. nothing will change if you don't work at it, these things won't solve themselves. so perhaps a good place to begin is to take a step back and have a look at things from a strangers point of view.

from your post i can only see so much, but so far i can deduct that despite the anxiety problems you're actually doing quite well :) you've got a good
steady job that pays ok for your age and allows you to save, you've got a loving supportive family who've allowed you and your girlfriend to live with them despite the lack of space, you've got a steady long term relationship that's working, you've got a hard working girlfriend who seems to be quite willing to do everything she can to help like working 2 jobs as well as studying. lots of people with anxiety find all of this stuff impossible! relationships, jobs, driving: so many people suffer so badly that they can't do many of these things. and sooooo many people your age haven't even considered savings or retirement accounts! it's great that you have a very practical forward thinking mindset :)

now i don't mean to say that just because you don't have it as bad as some people you're not allowed to think of your life as difficult, i just mean you need to get your priorities in place. things aren't so bad, they're not ideal but at least you can hold down a good job and you have loving support, that's a fantastic start :)

so starting from a positive point of view lets see what you can do to solve the moving out of home problem. i'm 25 and i've been supporting myself for several years now, i live in an expensive city, earn around €27K. things are not ideal but i do what i can, i live in a nice apartment with my boyfriend and sister and i use public transport all the time because i can't afford a car just yet. a year ago i was living in a tiny apartment in a not so great area, but my boyfriend and i decided that since we were so miserable in the small space that we would prioritise and decided
to spend a little more on rent and ask my sister to move with us so that we could afford a much bigger nicer place in a decent area. neither of us are very good at saving, but our plan is to soon open a joint savings account and put around €200 each in per month and in a couple of years we'll be able to take out a mortgage and buy a house. here the house prices are falling rapidly so the market is in our favour and i reckon in a couple of years we should be able to afford our own place. we're not in any rush to buy right now, we're still young, we don't want the giant commitment of a mortgage and like i said the market is slowing down so it's not ideal to even think about it yet.


i think your $40k might equal around €30k in my currency, so already you're earning more than me as well as saving. you say you're saving quite a bit of your pay check every month, if you want to move out you may have to consider saving less. i know that sounds bad, but it's about priorities. if you want to buy a house in the future i don't know quite how it works for you, but here you save for around 10% of the house price and then the bank loans you the rest as a mortgage which you pay back over several years. are you saving to buy a whole house directly? or are you
saving for a mortgage? cause if it's just for a mortgage you have to remember that you are still so young! you have years left before you need to invest in something that solid. and when your girlfriend is able to work in the vetinary world properly she should also be able to add to the savings fund and you can build up the amount you need together (if that is something you want to do with her).

i see in your last post that you say your girlfriend is unable to hold down jobs. the problem with this is that it's not ok for you to take on the burden of providing financially for the two of you! especially at such a young age. she cannot expect that you will provide for her if she is perfectly able to provide for herself. if she has issues with committing to jobs she needs to get help and work on it. you cannot allow her to depend on you totally. i don't say this to be harsh, i say it out of concern for you. it's not ok for you to just accept that she'll be this way forever, relationships have 2 people in them, she needs to give just as much as she's taking for it to work. believe me, you don't want to end up resenting the situation 15 years down the line when you've got a family to care for as well as yourself and your girlfriend. it doesn't mean that you have to break up with her, it just means that you have to be straight with her, you don't have to accept such a burden, but it will only happen if you allow it. if you love her then help her to solve her problems, don't enable them - does that make sense?


so right now you want to get out of home, and i think i'd agree if i was in your situation. it can't be too much fun living in a basement! and living independantly is an amazing feeling! as carla says, you're probably going to have to lower your sights a little. that doesn't mean you have to end up in a bad area, but it means that you'll have to work to get the things you really want. it's like that for everyone (well, most of us anyway, unless you're born into a well off family lol). there are lots of options available to you right now:

1 - move in to a place with some friends, you can afford a better place if there are several of you paying the rent.

2 - ask your brother if he & his girlfriend would be interested in renting a place with you. again it's less expensive and you already know what it's like to live with your bro.

3 - look around on newspapers and websites for a room to rent in houses/apartments with other people. you may not know them, but that's half the fun of housemates. and again, it's much cheaper than living on your own.

4 - check out what kind of place you could afford to rent if you were to live on your own. granted on your salary you'd probably end up in a bedsit or pretty tiny apartment, but it might be worth it just to get a taste of independence :)


you can't expect at 24 to be able to have it all straight away, we need to work for these things in life :). i started out sharing a room with a girl from college in a house with 2 other girls i didn't know. next i moved to a room of my own in a house with 3 other people whom i didn't know. this house wasn't in a very good area for public transport though, so it was a bit of a pain but i survived and it was fun getting to know the people i lived with. then as i started to earn more money i moved to a much nicer apartment, with a nicer double room and 2 spanish housemates and i really loved it there. soon after that my boyfriend and i decided to move in together so we moved into a tiny one bedroom apartment in a not so great area. it was ok, we split the rent and all the bills, it was tiny but nice. then, like i said we wanted a bigger nicer place, closer to the city centre. at the time my sister was also looking for a new place, and we were all earning better money so we decided to pool our earnings and take a risk on a more expensive place. so far it's working out quite well and it's so refreshing being in a nice space, it makes a huge difference.

so basically, you have to work up the ladder like i did. it takes time but living on your own is so great for your self esteem and confidence! and as a musician the experiences that you'll go through on your way up may be of inspiration to you lol. it seems daunting, but really it's very simple, you just have to get out there and do it. i did say that you may have to save less, but that's not really all that bad if it allows you to enjoy life in the present. as you begin to earn more money you can add more and more to those savings. there are also other ways that you can save though. how does the thought of driving less strike you? or sharing a car with your girlfriend? i don't know if it's possible for you to use public transport, but it's such a money saver it's worth looking in to! i walk everywhere, it takes me about 30 mins to walk to work and i pretty much walk everywhere else that i need to. it saves money and it gives me time to listen to tunes on my mp3 player, as a musician you might enjoy that lol! plus if you're always tired then the exercise of walking everywhere will be good for you, it will get those good hormones pumping and tire you out naturally. there is also the option of cycling, even better for you than walking and just as cheap! you may even consider sharing a car with your mom/brother? take a look at the other ways you are spending your pay check, are there things you can cut out or not spend as much on? at the moment i'm saving money by making my own lunch for work (saves around €30 a week i reckon) and also by cutting back on take outs and cooking more often!

you can always go to your bank for financial advice, they can tell you how best to go about buying your own place or the best options for moving out of home right now. there are lots of people out there with advice, you just have to go seek them out. so right now you need to start being proactive, anxiety makes us hesitate but you can't let it stop you living the best life you can. getting out on your own will give you confidence and experience and i don't think you'll regret it.

if you are worried at redirecting your anxiety at your girlfriend, or anyone else you move in with then it's something you need to work on. if you're aware of yourself doing it then there's no reason you can't work to stop it. are you going for counselling or psychotherapy? it can really help. i know you say you're seeing a psychaitrist, but is talk therapy involved or do they just prescribe? if you are able to talk to them then you can bring the issue up and as them how best to work on it. if you don't do something about it then you're just giving yourself another reason not to start moving forward, you're allowing the anxiety to live your life for you.

i hope some of this is helpful to you, i also hope i'm not sounding too harsh, i just want to be direct and honest and give as much help as i can. on the money you're earning living on your own is perfectly possible, i started out on just €19K a year and did just fine! as the years went on i've gotten better jobs, started a pension (retirement fund) and next year will start saving for a house. sometimes i worry that it is too much, but most of the time i know it's very possible, my parents did it and so have many many other people before me. ask around, check out your options, look to your friends and family for advice, be proactive, the only way things will start moving for you is if you make them :)


wow this is a mega-post! let me know what you think or if anything i'm saying is unclear or downright wrong lol.

take care xx

[punkgod94]

Hey Carla,

Your guess is as good as mine as to how they fit that many people and animals into one house lol. It just kinda hapenned. The house isn't TOO small, but it's not big enough for everyone that lives there for sure. My girlfriend definitely has work committment issues and I don't know if I will ever be able to rely on her for that. I'm hoping that we can get to a point where I make enough money that we won't need to rely on her salary. The field I work in I can potentially work up to very nice salary, but that takes a lot of time...probably 20+ years. I never really thought about getting a lodger but that would help in one way...and defeat the point of moving out by ourselves too haha. If we come across somebody we could both live with then it may be an option I suppose. I started looking at some places that are affordable but still really tight. I'd have to rely on her for the bills pretty much while I take care of the rent. And I dont want to have to rely on her cause it'll just bring me more stress than I need. I've thought about getting a second job to earn some extra cash. You're right...im just playing a waiting game at my job waiting to climb the ladder, gain more experience, and get a better salary. Thanks for your advice though...now to read northstars post :)

[punkgod94]

WOW! That WAS a megapost northstar hahaha. You weren't harsh at all by the way. Thanks so much for writing all that, there's a lot of helpful stuff in there that I can think about. Since it's so long I won't try to respond to it all, but yes I am in therapy as well as getting medication. I guess my biggest problem is how to get my girlfriend to willingly fix the problem of her job issues. I tried confronting her about it before and she's very similar to me...the glass isn't half empty, it's broken on the floor lol. I've tried to talk seriously with her in the past but I stop because it causes me a lot of unneeded stress thinking about it, and it causes her stress feeling as though she's worthless and that I'm attacking her. I really don't know what to tell her except to stick it out whenever she can and that she has to work her way up the ladder. You can lead a horse to water (or give them advice) but it's up to them to drink (or listen). By realizing that she may be like this forever doesn't make me not tell her to keep pushing on which WOULD enable her, but I think it's more of a realistic perspective maybe. Any ideas on how to get her to take job advice lol? Thanks again for your humongous post, it's very helpful and I know I'll probably read it lots more times lol.