Feeling a lot less of a person around people but being the world when i am alone

[Stormizee]

Ever notice how amazing it is in the silence of your own company . My anxiety may have drawn me away from people but it only helped me draw closer to myself. I have grown to understand more of how i feel about me and sure it isn't always a good feeling i have but just to know where i stand with myself is pretty fuckin good. Whether i love or hate myself that day , i've learnt to tolerate my own bullshit. Gosh it took me years and years to get where i am but i still feel like i am pretty far from me still . I fail to connect with people, i fail to tolerate , to understand and know where i understand with others. I am so disconnected from everyone. Constantly panicking and shit it's exhausting. It's even more exhausting meditating on all the shit i say. Damit are we ALL social creatures? And do we have to be ashamed not to be? Why work harder at something that just makes me more anxious? I really am just trying so i do not lose those that i love...

[TreeStar]

I'm so sad you feel this way.
Mostly cos I've felt this way, and it's horrible and I hate that other people do so. I haven't seen my friends since February, and I alcohol played a large part of my ability to get through that day.
I just went to work, did what I needed to do, and went home.
Do you have any hobbies? Things you like doing?

[Stormizee]

February is a while back. I'm so sorry to hear that. Alcohol plays a part in me getting thru a week. And it's beginning to worry me. I don't feel like i really belong anywhere until i am by myself. I totally get what you're saying.
I'm a dancer but that's pretty much it. I do try to go out from time to time but it just triggers my anxiety even more.
Really sucks

[TreeStar]

Yeah... It's kinda sucked. I've been going to work and just coming back home. I've started spending Sunday afternoons in a coffee shop reading though just to get used to being people. I struggle being in large, crowded and busy places. I will be graduating in July and I am really scared.

I've had to come clean with my friends explaining my absence. (Coming clean sounds like I had done something really bad...but I have been so ashamed of my behaviour the past few months)

It worries me a little too how I depend on alcohol too...as long as it isn't excessive I guess.

Whay kind if dancing do you do?

[Stormizee]

Well at least you're actually making the effort of being around people , coffee shops are perfect for that. You get to be around them but don't have to talk to them lol. I really really struggle with large crowds too . I mean anyone with anxiety does. It's torture .
Congratulations on your graduating. Like that's awesome. You shouldn't be scared :) be excited :) such a big deal. But i hate the part where u have to stand in front of people. The thoughts begin flooding in my head, and the breathing becomes difficult. Honestly crowds just complicate my life. Do u ever feel like that?

Yep just wine here and there. No need to be hitting the vodka hard .

I perform in dance theater so basically i have had to learn most styles. Hip hop, Dancehall, Contemporary, Locking, Popping, Housing , New School, Lyrical etc . Dance really is my medicine.But when i don't perform welll, i just crash.
What are ur hobbies?

[TreeStar]

That's what I thought, human interaction but not an overly amount.

I think you are right, I need to focus on the positive aspects of the day. :) I bought a new dress for the occasion, and not worn it yet as I bought it expecially, so I'm really looing forward to wearing that.
That's definately how I feel in crowds, I always panic if I can't find a way out too. When I go to gigs I tend to stand on the outside or near a wall.

A glass of wine a day is meant to be good fo you anyway ;)

I love how dance is your medicine, which is why it sucks when you feel down.
I write a lot, I've written a poem about my anxiety and trying to get the courage to read it in an open mic night next month. I'm trying to do stuff that scares me these days, I'm not good at gradually easing myself into situations, I'm more of a rip off the band aid (all or nothing). I have started doing a lot of origami recently too, I find it's pretty good and setting my thoughts.

[Stormizee]

Overly amount is just, if i'm being completely honest, it's exhausting and just a little irritating. I'm just someone who has grown a low tolerance for people and my anxiety just makes me irritable like crazy. I have my fair share of mood swings, being a woman doesn't make it easier haha and also gives me problems with my breathing. Do you ever experience this stuff TreeStar? My name is Storm by the way. What's yours?

Exactly i feel like positive thinking would be a pleasant distraction from your fears concerning graduating :) That's great. Cause when you look good it tricks the brain into feeling good haha oh so they say. I'm sure you're going to be looking gorgeous :)

Health benefit added ;)

Well the way i see it is, the whole point of feeling down is really to enjoy the moments when you aren't feeling sad or whatever, you know. And so everytime i dance when i'm sad, it's way more special than when i dance when i'm happy.
Oh a write :) that's awesome. You know writing is it's own therapy, i'm sure you know that. I'm a reader and would love to read anything you've written, especially your poetry. Infafct i got my new specs yesterday so hit me up whenever haha.

I love how you are doing things outside your comfort zone. It's inspiring. I've always loved the idea of constantly doing things that take me out of my comfort, or facing a fear or whatever daring shit there is but really never have the guts to. But you talking about how you are a person with anxiety and are actually thinking of sharing this with people through your poetry is really remarkable to me. I'm not trying to boost ur ego or anything. Just being honest . I need to try something like that.

Hey , do you ever wonder what triggered your anxiety and what made it make you the person you are today?

[TreeStar]

Yeah, I totally understand that. I have two sisters and they are very outgoing and great with people. They never get scared of things either. I thought for many years there was something wrong with me because of that, and the first people I would think to talk to about these things would be them, but they couldn't relate. I started believing that if I couldn't talk to them then I wouldn't be able to talk to anyone (which is silly looking back), but then I had heard others had felt the same. Do you find you are quite empathic? That when you are in a group of people you can feel all their energy? My name's Emma, nice to meet you ;)

Hah, I'm not sure about gorgeous, but I think I will look ok. I do find dressing up and putting on make up helps me face the world (which annoys feminists a little bit-and also means I'm not a feminist when I am :/ )

Your dancing has inspired me to go to a dance class (I ove what you're saying about dancing too). I enquired about a French and Britton dance group, it meets monthly (but the one this month is the last one until Septemebe for some reason). So I'm going to try and go on Friday night and see what it's like. I can message you my poem, seeing as you have new specs :) ;) It's not typed up yet though.

Ummm...yeah I do actually. I finally figured it out. It's a bit long, so I will type it up when I have a moment and message it to you, if you like. I dealt with anxiety 8 years ago and thought I was cured, but then something happened in January that triggered a whole new thing and opened up old wounds. I didn't actually realise the whole trigger until two weeks ago really.

Do you ever think about yours?

[Prince Romeo]

Ever notice how amazing it is in the silence of your own company . My anxiety may have drawn me away from people but it only helped me draw closer to myself. I have grown to understand more of how i feel about me and sure it isn't always a good feeling i have but just to know where i stand with myself is pretty fuckin good. Whether i love or hate myself that day , i've learnt to tolerate my own bullshit. Gosh it took me years and years to get where i am but i still feel like i am pretty far from me still . I fail to connect with people, i fail to tolerate , to understand and know where i understand with others. I am so disconnected from everyone. Constantly panicking and shit it's exhausting. It's even more exhausting meditating on all the shit i say. Damit are we ALL social creatures? And do we have to be ashamed not to be? Why work harder at something that just makes me more anxious? I really am just trying so i do not lose those that i love...

I feel this way most days too. And I have to admit that alcohol is also becoming my way of getting through these difficult times. I have started an awful habit where I will speed walk to the corner gas station in the morning right before dialysis to get me an ice cold beer just to deal with the horrendous panic attacks I can feel boiling inside of me while I am at dialysis and especially when speaking with my social worker, whom I have had a crush on for about a year now. I hardly ever go outside, so going to dialysis is like hard work for me. When I am alone, I feel like I can be my real self without the judgmental stares and comments. People seem like they always have something to say and it usually is not good. I know my thoughts are probably distorted but at the same time I feel like they are my guardian angel in a cold-hearted and callous society.

-P.S. Cayman

[Papiyon]

I’m sorry to hear you feel the way you do, I can certainly relate. On the other hand I think it’s great that you are able to recognize and relate to your inner voice. Many people don’t understand how much our inner voice contributes to our anxiety. I have learned the more I embrace my inner voice the more comfortable I feel around others. The extraordinary thing is we all are blessed to have in this world is the ability to be an individual. So, no we do not need to socialize like others. But I have also learned it is important that we do socialize. With the help of friends, family, and my counselor I was able to diminish my level of anxiety. Do you see anyone?

[Stormizee]

I'm glad you can relate, means u totally get it. I like what you said about being comfortable around other prior to feeling comfortable with ur inner voice. A lot of people with anxiety don't understand that. Day when i'm feeling at peace with myself are days when i'm most social. You sound just like me :) i have my family really, they are my biggest supporters and my counselor i was with her all last year, she is amazing, i do talk to her from time to time now but its really because she thinks i'm healthy enough now to not have to see her every Tuesday and Thursday haha. I do miss her :(
Socializing can be really healthy for the soul but it damages the mind at times and really is a trigger of my anxiety. I'm doing better now.

[Stormizee]

I hear you . And i totally get what you're saying. I'm sorry to hear about your struggle with dialysis. You really will get thru it but alcohol doesn't make it better i've realised. All it's ever really done is numb me then bring me pain. I mean like real physical anguish, not emotional distress. My body reacts to the hard stuff and sadly that's what numbs me. I drink vodka and 2 hours later i'm on the bathroom floor puking my brains out. Man it is not a pretty site. And so i've decided to stop , try a glass of wine every 2weeks and just focus on my health and dance career. But do u hear what i'm saying, i inflicted pain on myself, numbed myself, hurt myself and it brought be back to loving myself. How fucked up is that? I'm telling u this because my mind misleads me too, and it saves me too, just like a guardian angel. As for ur cursh, i'd say anxiety gets in the way of opportunities to not be alone. And the worst part is sometimes we never get tired of being alone but it just feels empty honestly. I've been alone for a year and some months, have a crush on these two amazing people but they'll probably never really know how much i like either of them. Weird i know... Not that i'd ever date both of them. lol I think u should listen to ur heart for a just a second n say something to ur crush

[Stormizee]

I felt the same way too about my sisters. Only started talking about my anxiety to them quite recently. I really did feel like i couldnt talk about this stuff with well almost everyone except 2 of my friends bcoz they were both suffering from anxiety and depression. It was a safe place. Still is with one of them.
I am quite empathic yes. I can't say it's the anxiety. I can just say it's your mind and body being fully aware of the people around it. Picking up on their energies n stuff. Really can't xplain it. Can u?
That's not true though about the feminists. Feminists share a common vision, aim and agenda but do not live and feel a uniform life. Heck dressing up sometimes is a feminist armour. I say embrace it :) Just own it and don't feel any less of a feminist when u do.
No problem, u can always message all of that good stuff when u have the time :) and i'll defntly read , I'd really like to hear ur story. Mine is pretty long too . I'd have to meassage it to u Emma. Nice to meet u too :)
I really wish i could give u a better response to ur message but i'm really caught up these days and night time, when i'm all sleepyy and drousy is really when i get to look at my laptop. I'll be travelling for the next week to perform . And so i'll be a bit silent . Hope to hear from u when i get back home.
Take care and stay positive no matter what.

[TreeStar]

I felt the same way too about my sisters. Only started talking about my anxiety to them quite recently. I really did feel like i couldnt talk about this stuff with well almost everyone except 2 of my friends bcoz they were both suffering from anxiety and depression. It was a safe place. Still is with one of them.
I am quite empathic yes. I can't say it's the anxiety. I can just say it's your mind and body being fully aware of the people around it. Picking up on their energies n stuff. Really can't xplain it. Can u?
That's not true though about the feminists. Feminists share a common vision, aim and agenda but do not live and feel a uniform life. Heck dressing up sometimes is a feminist armour. I say embrace it :) Just own it and don't feel any less of a feminist when u do.
No problem, u can always message all of that good stuff when u have the time :) and i'll defntly read , I'd really like to hear ur story. Mine is pretty long too . I'd have to meassage it to u Emma. Nice to meet u too :)
I really wish i could give u a better response to ur message but i'm really caught up these days and night time, when i'm all sleepyy and drousy is really when i get to look at my laptop. I'll be travelling for the next week to perform . And so i'll be a bit silent . Hope to hear from u when i get back home.
Take care and stay positive no matter what.

Sorry for not replying sooner. Not having the best time :( I started my therapy course last week, and it's sort of involved facing a lot of demons I didn't want to face, sort of left me feeling really fragile.

When I was talking to my sisters, I think it helped them understand why I have been acting strangely. I'm surprised with people I work with too, the ones I was scared of telling have been ok with it. One even gave me a hug!
What puts me off talking to people is a lot say 'Oh, I feel anxious sometimes. Everyone does!' and I'm sitting there is silence wanting to scream at them 'But it's not just 'sometimes!' It's all the time!' They were probably the wrong people to tell though.

With the empatheticness, I don't think it's necessarily the anxiety either. Just the way you describe being in crowds, sort of how I feel. Being more empathetic makes it harder I think, to be around people. And coupled with anxiety issues, well, it's not the best of mixes.

When I write it up, I will my story to you. I've been thinking about it a lot and where to start really. There is a sort of a time jump in it though.

Hope your performances went great!

[verDominai]

Many people don’t understand how much our inner voice contributes to our anxiety. I have learned the more I embrace my inner voice the more comfortable I feel around others.

This. We often torment ourselves more than we are tormented by outside sources.

Once you take charge of that voice and fight back, a lot can get much easier to handle.

[Ponder]

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/post_zpspbhbz8nj.png

I like where Papiyon was going with his reply. I can't but help feel how this resonates with my own efforts in coming out from under my rock.

It's also encouraging to see others with like minded views.

If I could add anything to the above, it would be more about the way we approach our inner dialogue? Again Papiyon hits the nail on the head for me with with term "Embrace."

My suggestion is more like a warning ... as I found trying to take control through using mindets with words like "fight" ... not only fails, but makes the process much more conflicting. The way we approach our thoughts is crucial when it comes to "control" It's a complex affair as I know well that taking anger and turning it into something positive involved what may be termed as a fight, however I know now that it was only through acceptance, and being kind to myself that I was able to muster the will and strength. I can now grit my teeth and break the binds that would normally keep me down, but my best efforts to do so only come from my ability to embrace - not fight. Instead of control, I give in.

Learning to use words that foster and nurture the voice within, is the key to my success. I make a conscious effort not to use words that seek control or attempt to fight. Meditation is excellent for that! I used to be someone that could be found frothing at the mouth in public places as my walls often closed in. I was quite volatile and despised the human race. Now I do my best to contribute through helping others who've shared similar experiences.

I mean not to go on - other than to suggest and share what I have found has helped me. learning to "embrace" our inner dialogue and be mindful of using negative and controlling words is what has eased my pain. I still struggle with various predispositions and delayed cognitive responses ... but the peace of mind I receive through embracing has helped me to accept others as well as feel more accepted.

Edit - this need not involve continually being in the presence of others - or even fitting in ... this goes way beyond such generalized methods of graduated exposure and or participation ... yet I do practice some of those things ... it's all about balance is all and learning to find and sit with what makes we (the individual) feels comfortable with. Does that make sense?

[TreeStar]

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/post_zpspbhbz8nj.png

I like where Papiyon was going with his reply. I can't but help feel how this resonates with my own efforts in coming out from under my rock.

It's also encouraging to see others with like minded views.

If I could add anything to the above, it would be more about the way we approach our inner dialogue? Again Papiyon hits the nail on the head for me with with term "Embrace."

My suggestion is more like a warning ... as I found trying to take control through using mindets with words like "fight" ... not only fails, but makes the process much more conflicting. The way we approach our thoughts is crucial when it comes to "control" It's a complex affair as I know well that taking anger and turning it into something positive involved what may be termed as a fight, however I know now that it was only through acceptance, and being kind to myself that I was able to muster the will and strength. I can now grit my teeth and break the binds that would normally keep me down, but my best efforts to do so only come from my ability to embrace - not fight. Instead of control, I give in.

Learning to use words that foster and nurture the voice within, is the key to my success. I make a conscious effort not to use words that seek control or attempt to fight. Meditation is excellent for that! I used to be someone that could be found frothing at the mouth in public places as my walls often closed in. I was quite volatile and despised the human race. Now I do my best to contribute through helping others who've shared similar experiences.

I mean not to go on - other than to suggest and share what I have found has helped me. learning to "embrace" our inner dialogue and be mindful of using negative and controlling words is what has eased my pain. I still struggle with various predispositions and delayed cognitive responses ... but the peace of mind I receive through embracing has helped me to accept others as well as feel more accepted.

Edit - this need not involve continually being in the presence of others - or even fitting in ... this goes way beyond such generalized methods of graduated exposure and or participation ... yet I do practice some of those things ... it's all about balance is all and learning to find and sit with what makes we (the individual) feels comfortable with. Does that make sense?

You know, in my ACT course we were told not to fight our feelings and thoughts, just accept and acknowledge that they are there and try to carry on with things. (This is easier said than done for me right now, but hopefully it will get better with time).

[KittenTrans]

I need to look more into this ACT malarkey it sounds interesting