New to anxiety. And forum

[ElaB]

Hi, everyone!

Not sure how to start, but here it goes.
Three years ago I moved out of my country to pursue a Masters Degree. I was 28 at the time, and used this as an opportunity to migrate (something I have always wanted to do as an adult due to economic and social reasons). In my homeland I was an ambitious, motivated go-getter, and always felt that my dreams and aspirations were too big for my country. So it finally happened! I moved to another country where I could trully grow into myself. Everything was beautiful. I did extremely well in my programme, loved the city, loved everything. Met a wonderful person with whom I fell in love and married this month. Learned to cook even!

About one year ago (it is very difficult to pin the exact time) everything changed. And very suddenly too, crept into my life without me even noticing it. Just as I started writing my thesis, my confidence, my ambitions, my motivation, my love for life... it all went away. I am not sure how and why it happened. I have become a person I do not recognize and do not know how to be. I don't want to meet my classmates and friends. I can't help but compare my life to theirs, and they all seem so accomplished, while there I am, a loser with no goals. With every job add I see I first find a reason not to apply - I can't do this / not smart enough / who would hire me / why would anyone hire me? I can't write a sentence in my thesis because every thought that comes to my head feels worthless and an embarassment to read. Can't reach out to my supervisor because I am such a failure.
I am at constant distress. I manage to hide it in front of other people and appear "normal". But my normal state is that of self-loathing, constant worry that I am failing everyone.
My husband is my rock and is very supportive. The only person I can talk to about this really. He made me see a professional and I was diagnosed with anxiety and possibly depression. But due to some administrative misunderstanding, my therapy got cut just after a few sessions. I am trying to get back in now. In the meantime, trying to find some helpful resources outside of therapy to help me support myself. Hence, joining this forum :)

[Aniseed]

Hi, I am new to this also. But I can relate very much, especially because it sounds like we are at similar stages in our careers. Do you think some of this anxiety and depression you are experiencing is due to you having expectations of yourself for your life and the time and struggle to achieve them is not what you expected? I just get that from you as you said you feel less accomplished compared to your pairs. I completely understand that feeling.

[ElaB]

Hi!
Your insight is very true. Before I moved, I was well established in a career that I loved. And I have been raised with high expectations. I thought I would be in another place at my life at 31. Imposing high expectations and pressure onto myself doesn't help, especially as this turns into severe self-loathing. I realize where the problem is (or part of it at least), but it's so difficult to solve it! Especially now as it has settled in nicely and deeply into almost every area of my life.
Sorry you are going through it as well.

[Aniseed]

Well you sound like you have good logic and are very self aware. :). Although that can be draining in itself when it may seem like the problem has no tangible solution. . Did you feel like the professional help you did receive was of any benefit? I am not sure how much a psychologist or similar professional could help as they cant bring about the life changes we both seem to be wanting to materilise. Personally I think it sounds like we both need to alter the thought patterns that are creating this self-loathing, while simultaneously continue to work towards goals we have for our lives, would love to know if you discover a way how to do this. Are you a perfectionist by chance? I read some very interesting stuff on procrastination when I was trying to write my thesis that basically said perfectionists are often the biggest procrastinators because of the intense fear they have for failing. Does this resonate with you and your job search? The fear of being rejected is to big. I am struggling because, like you, I have high expectations for myself and so I get myself into all these commitments and work opportunities but am failing to maintain and do things well. Last year I was job hunting and felt woefully inadequate and consequently wasn't able to get any job I wanted because that inadequacy really showed in interviews.

I also completed my Masters degree and had high expectations for the career that was supposed to follow. Post-graduate life is tough.
I really hope you can find peace and live the life you desire.
Love to keep in touch.

[Shineshelly]

Hi Ela,

We've all felt worried or anxious at one point or another. You have had some very major life changes with a move to another country, continuing your education, and marrying recently. From my perspective, you have much to be praised and admired for! I very much respect you for making the brave decision to pursue a different life in another country. That alone is a step that most people would be too afraid to take. It sounds like you haven't had an issue with assimilating either, which is amazing! However, allow yourself time to take it all in, as your life is changing and moving forward!

I don't at all mean to sound preachy but it is my belief that God gave us the capacity for fear to protect us. One can experience worry or fears about future uncertainties that are so overpowering that normal everyday functioning is impaired. It can feel very alone, like we are dealing with something that no one else is facing. However, the reality is that anxiety and depression are not at all uncommon! I am so glad to hear that you are attempting to find outside help. I would encourage you to not give up in your search for a good counselor. You were designed with a purpose that only you can fulfill. There is always hope! Praying for you! Hang in there!

[ElaB]

Thank you both very much for your support.
I had a particularly bad day today, and reading your encouraging words did help.
I have always been a very rational person, and I find anxiety to be everything but, which makes it very difficult for me to come to terms and deal with. Especially on bad days like today, when it completely paralyzes my every thought and will to be constructive and all I can feel is my heartbeat, chest pressure and tingling in my legs. I don't think the therapis I had a few sessions with was a good fit for me as a person, because her focus was mostly on trying to assure and encourage me that I should not be so hard on myself and I should love myself even when fail... I do know that that is the right approach, I just need help to get there somehow, as I can't really help the feelings that I'm feeling. Her focus was mostly to elaborate the "what", whereas I just needed to jump to the "how". Or maybe I had the wrong mindset when I started seeing her, as I thought, ok, now we know what it is, let's work on it, as if it is a problem that is external to me. I do feel it that way, I feel attacked by it, it is difficult to internalize it. But, the very fact that I did go to see a therapist after months of self-torture did help a lot. And she did have some very good insights into where some of my "new behavior" comes from. I am planning to continue with counseling therapy and try to find a way to either solve and resolve my anxiety or learn how to accept it and live with it. At this stage I do not feel ready to start taking medication (even though Celexa was sugessted to me at my first session). I'll see how counseling works, and then decide.
And yes, I am both a very big perfectionist, a control freek and a procrastinator. I have read a lot about it as well, and tried all those time and effort management and efficiency enhancing methods and nothing seems to work! They seem to be having a counter effect, as they revolve around goal setting and prioritizing... whereas whenever I think of my goals right now, they all are equally important and urgent and all I think about when I have them outlined is how I'm going to fail and never reach them... It is too overwhelming.
But, there has to be a way out :)

[Papiyon]

First good job in reaching out! I commend you for reaching out; it’s a big indication that you are discerning of your needs and you’re an advocate for your own self-growth. It’s unfortunate that you no longer have the professional help due to that faux pas. Is there anyway that you can call your counselor and ask to be seen based on a “sliding scale” ? (meaning you pay out of pocket- but at a lower cost). You may not be able to see your counselor often but atleast you can receive the help until you rectify the insurance issue. Also, is there a local church or organization in your area that that can help? Maybe you can try group therapy- which is often more affordable and will provide the support you need since group members are experiencing the same thing. On a personal note, I can so relate. I will ask the same question others have asked on this thread. Are you a perfectionist? - If the answer is yes, then you will have to quiet that critic voice. I attempt to quiet that voice by using daily affirmations, writing the positive things in my life and addressing what is the truth. For example- There’s no way that you’re failing, not smart enough, or can’t do this…Yet you’re pursuing your master’s. This small fact alone is an indication that you can achieve your goals and you have the tools to maintain success. Because I can relate I share this piece of advice from the heart. Be kind you yourself- speak the truth about yourself—and quiet the negative voice by loving yourself unconditionally. I will be praying for you !

[Jesusgirl04]

Dear ElaB,

First let me say I'm really impressed! You are a brave brave girl! You made changes that many people will never make or have the courage to make. I think it's really important to be gentle with yourself, you have been through a tremendous amount of life changes, all of which are amazingly stressful, even though they were positive. Negative stress, or distress, is what most people think about when they think of stress. But good events like getting married, going to school, moving are all examples of good "stress" or "eustress". And you have had changes like crazy! It's encouraging that you are researching resources and that your husband is supportive. Those two things alone will be truly helpful. One thing I would recommend is focusing on the many things you HAVE accomplished and rejoice and be encouraged by those things instead of the current and I'm guessing temporary, state in which you find yourself. One thing I have found in my personal experience is that the more we stay silent, the easier it is to sink further and further. It is only when we let in the light that our fears begin to lose their power and control over us. I just have a good feeling about you and I will keep you in my prayers!