aml0017
04-23-2016, 05:50 PM
Well I haven't been here in quite a while which is good I guess. I've had some anxiety of course but nothing I couldn't handle. Recently I had a trigger episode where my air conditioner was going on the fritz and I just felt totally inadequate to the task of dealing with this (admittedly minor) problem. My house falling apart has become a common trigger these days, and it has become the outward manifestation of how big a failure I feel all the time. I want to move but feel trapped by my fear of change, lack of money due to dead end job because I settled for easy route, lack of support due to just generally being a pathetic loser...
My point is... I keep ending up back here because I have spent the past 20 years "coping" with my anxiety by basically avoiding life. I have shut myself off from everything that could have brought me some happiness, career, marriage, kids, love, sex, friendships, travel. My life has been a practice of avoidance... the irony being that I haven't really avoided anything... I certainly haven't avoided anxiety.
I am not in the situation I'm in because of the anxiety, there are much deeper issues of low self worth and me not feeling I am deserving of any happiness or acceptance. I am not writing this post to get people to feel sorry for me. I find it difficult to feel sorry for myself anymore. I am 35 years old now, I'm still young I know. I don't want to spend another 20 years with my head in the sand.
My point is... I keep ending up back here because I have spent the past 20 years "coping" with my anxiety by basically avoiding life. I have shut myself off from everything that could have brought me some happiness, career, marriage, kids, love, sex, friendships, travel. My life has been a practice of avoidance... the irony being that I haven't really avoided anything... I certainly haven't avoided anxiety.
I am not in the situation I'm in because of the anxiety, there are much deeper issues of low self worth and me not feeling I am deserving of any happiness or acceptance. I am not writing this post to get people to feel sorry for me. I find it difficult to feel sorry for myself anymore. I am 35 years old now, I'm still young I know. I don't want to spend another 20 years with my head in the sand.