Confused_Girl
04-16-2016, 06:15 PM
I met a person with anxiety. We got really close and by now I think he's the most important person in my life. He is a very close friend, for me also more than just a friend.
I would truely like to help him, but I'm so unsure what is the best way. Also because I got blamed several times by now that I underestimate his problems/overestimate the things he can do. I started reading a book about anxiety to try to understand him better... Though I in general think I do can understand him. I don't suffer from anxiety myself, but maybe from depression (I got diagnosed that earlier in my life, I think it's a lot better though) and maybe a bit social anxiety (if I could diagnose it myself).
What is making everything worse by the way is that he's living more than 1000km away in another country. As I'm just writing my bachelor thesis and don't need to attend courses I got the possibility to visit him a bit longer though and I'll work in his home country in the summer.
Well... now I don't know where to start.
He very often feels bad among people and needs quite much time for himself. That's okay. I'm also the type of person who needs at least some time for herself. He also lives in a city centre and dislikes his flat because it's next to the main road and noisy and not giving him quiteness so. That's exhausting for him as well. In general a lot of things are difficult and he feels not able to do them or it takes a lot of energy. It helps him to be alone for several weeks.
But now comes me: I'm worrying, if it is really the best for him? I don't want to drag him out in public to a lot of people, but staying alone for several weeks, is that really the best for him? Or is it just avoiding and making everything worse on the long run? But he is so sure that it's good for him. He also said the therapy group makes him feel worse.
I just don't know "how to do it right". How can I support him in the best way? For sure it's good to make him clear that I am there, if he needs me. And I hope he got that by now. But staying in and avoiding stuff because he feels better and it is less exhausting? Or trying to talk him into something else and then I guess I have to get used to hearing "You're underestimating my problems" even more (which hurts me)? (I don't mind though to hear that if it helps him in the long run)
And should I be understandable when it comes to everything? I would say I have quite some patience and can stand something, but if he's really hurting my feelings I told him so far. In a nice way. (And I think the "problems" are not directly linked to his anxiety, that is to say not because he wants to be alone, needs some time for himself or such) I just want it to be fair and open and not pretending to be everything is fine when it's not. But I don't want to hurt him, I just want him to understand me. But as I said I think that's not directly linked to his anxiety, so I feel like we should talk about it.
I also think he somehow thinks that it is like that and he can't really change things. Yes, it might take a lot of time and patience, but I think it can get better. Maybe it takes years and maybe it will never happen. But I can try. And it's not that he's damned to be like that his whole life without being able to do certain things. And even if it will always be like that, it's no way I'll let him down because of that.
Everything is a bit confusing... maybe you have some advice for me and how I can help him best.
Edit: Maybe I should also add that I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk about it and it's a burdening situation for me as well. My friends know him partly and it doesn't feel fair to talk with them about him. And I don't trust people who don't know them good enough to talk with them about him/the situation.
Edit 2: What do I do if he's e.g. phoning me and saying that he feels like he'll get anxiety? I mostly tried to distract him and make him think of something else. Good choice or not?
I would truely like to help him, but I'm so unsure what is the best way. Also because I got blamed several times by now that I underestimate his problems/overestimate the things he can do. I started reading a book about anxiety to try to understand him better... Though I in general think I do can understand him. I don't suffer from anxiety myself, but maybe from depression (I got diagnosed that earlier in my life, I think it's a lot better though) and maybe a bit social anxiety (if I could diagnose it myself).
What is making everything worse by the way is that he's living more than 1000km away in another country. As I'm just writing my bachelor thesis and don't need to attend courses I got the possibility to visit him a bit longer though and I'll work in his home country in the summer.
Well... now I don't know where to start.
He very often feels bad among people and needs quite much time for himself. That's okay. I'm also the type of person who needs at least some time for herself. He also lives in a city centre and dislikes his flat because it's next to the main road and noisy and not giving him quiteness so. That's exhausting for him as well. In general a lot of things are difficult and he feels not able to do them or it takes a lot of energy. It helps him to be alone for several weeks.
But now comes me: I'm worrying, if it is really the best for him? I don't want to drag him out in public to a lot of people, but staying alone for several weeks, is that really the best for him? Or is it just avoiding and making everything worse on the long run? But he is so sure that it's good for him. He also said the therapy group makes him feel worse.
I just don't know "how to do it right". How can I support him in the best way? For sure it's good to make him clear that I am there, if he needs me. And I hope he got that by now. But staying in and avoiding stuff because he feels better and it is less exhausting? Or trying to talk him into something else and then I guess I have to get used to hearing "You're underestimating my problems" even more (which hurts me)? (I don't mind though to hear that if it helps him in the long run)
And should I be understandable when it comes to everything? I would say I have quite some patience and can stand something, but if he's really hurting my feelings I told him so far. In a nice way. (And I think the "problems" are not directly linked to his anxiety, that is to say not because he wants to be alone, needs some time for himself or such) I just want it to be fair and open and not pretending to be everything is fine when it's not. But I don't want to hurt him, I just want him to understand me. But as I said I think that's not directly linked to his anxiety, so I feel like we should talk about it.
I also think he somehow thinks that it is like that and he can't really change things. Yes, it might take a lot of time and patience, but I think it can get better. Maybe it takes years and maybe it will never happen. But I can try. And it's not that he's damned to be like that his whole life without being able to do certain things. And even if it will always be like that, it's no way I'll let him down because of that.
Everything is a bit confusing... maybe you have some advice for me and how I can help him best.
Edit: Maybe I should also add that I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk about it and it's a burdening situation for me as well. My friends know him partly and it doesn't feel fair to talk with them about him. And I don't trust people who don't know them good enough to talk with them about him/the situation.
Edit 2: What do I do if he's e.g. phoning me and saying that he feels like he'll get anxiety? I mostly tried to distract him and make him think of something else. Good choice or not?