View Full Version : Bullied, kid 37 years on

04-01-2016, 03:33 AM
Hi forum readers,

First post, what got me here is an urge to talk but feeling that no one I know would get it.

I've been dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, depression, being an hypochondriac and social awkwardness forever. I thought most of it was post-traumatic in nature, having feared death as a 5 years old sick kid who didn't believe in God and just wanted to be told everything would be alright. My parents wouldn't lie to me, knowing I was too smart to fall for it. I did survived the illness, but still can't deal with the memory of that feeling of hopeless.

Just started seeing a new psychotherapist as I have moved abroad and can't see the previous one, and though the above is still an issue, she seems to think that the most crippling one is a consequence of the heavy bullying I've had to deal with as a kid who wasn't strong enough to climb stairs at school without going on all 4.

Opening that door, I now feel that at 37 years old, all that I am is a front, a construct built to scare away bullies and to justify my existence. I did well with my career, actually getting quite close to the top in my field, but I do not feel like I enjoy my life at all. Thing is I think I picked this path just to try to prove my cool so that I'd be left alone. My angry personality, bohemian lifestyle, my rock'n'roll image, everything is built as a defence. Yet I can't stand for my own in the simplest of arguments. I will buy out everytime, feeling disappointment for not standing for myself.

I am now panicking because I realize that I do not feel that this is me anymore, but it feels like there's nothing else down there. Just an empty shell. 37 years to built something I am not without ever building my own self. Just like Christian Bale's character in American Psycho, I feel I'm just not there, that is I don't feel a real me behind that cardboard cutout I've created. I do not feel that I have feeling. No ups and downs. Just a calm surface with panic underneath.

What kind of life would I have had if I had sorted my things out and became my own man? That makes me sad to no end, 37 years wasted. Half a life lived by no one. I still had a fantastic life, objectively. I mean, I could compare myself with other way less fortunate individuals. But it doesn't make me feel any better. It just doesn't feel like my life was ever mine or lived. Everything feels accidental, a random succession of events that led me here. Just following the flow, no merit.

Now I could see the argument that regardless of it all, this is the life I've led, probably the only one I could have in that context. I did the best I could with what was given to me, and I just need to keep doing the best I can. Can't change the past, can only move on from here.

It is only the beginning of this new dive within, maybe I will find some peace and find myself down there somewhere. My therapist think that the key is to look for the emotions that seems to be absent from my recollections of my childhood, emotions that I probably never allowed myself to express and just bottled up.

If anyone relates, maybe someone who walked that path and would have insights, I'd love to hear from you.

To all, regards and good luck with your struggles, some way bigger than mine I am sure.