Ugh!

[Eastcoast Girl]

Ugh...My feelings for today seriously I've been suffering from anxiety ALL my life. When I was little I was just known to be shy and as I got older I was quiet. Had my 1st big panic attack at 18 and now I'm ready to hit 40 in a couple months and you would think that I would be use to this by now....ahhh nope. If it's not one symptom it's another or a new one. Recently it's my lower back that gets so tight that I get this overpowering weird pain throughout my body mostly felt in my other joints but also get burning sensation and tingling. It feels like it's getting worse and I find myself googling "what this could be?" ....but I think I know...it's all my lovely anxiety just showing up in another form cause my other parts of my body are already exhausted from suffering from all these years. I'm stubborn I will not medicate BUT I do have Ativan just for those emergency times where I have a panic attack and can not lower my heart rate by myself. I'm so tempted to take some though just to relax...I like to go the natural route...warm bath with Epsom salt, ibuprofen, stretching, massaging my own feet(learned that in yoga ages ago), chiropractor but nothing is seeming to help this time. I'm not sure what is bothering me lately that I'm always tense...I even feel it when I walk and it's like I'm walking thru mud sometimes and I also get the odd twitch in my body. I know I just need to relax but this evil anxiety is like nope<muhahaha> I still got a hold of you and won't let you go....it bites! And my mind is playing tricks on me telling me it's more then just tight muscles and the doctors HAVE to be missing SOMETHING??!! I'm SO tired of being tired or sore or sweaty or heart racing a mile a minute or well you get my point I'd be here forever if I listed all of my symptoms. I've had practically every test out there...EKG, holter x 3, stress test x 2, echo, X-rays, ct scan, Mri, blood work over blood work over blood work and everything comes back OK...I've seen cardiologists, internists, therapists and a neuro therapist...it's crazy what this anxiety thing can do...but I'm stubborn and I will not give up! UGH!!!