Nobody Believes Me.

[ghostlyy]

I have been to mental health drs and GPs for over 15 years now and every time I tell them I have an anxiety problem (Which I obviously didn't know for at least 2/3s of the time I've had symptoms) they dismiss it as though I'm fishing for drugs. They refuse to accept the fact that I may actually have an issue. My last GP put me on Wellbutrin 300 mg, that was 9 months ago.

My story starts at age 11. My parents divorced, and ever since then, I've had serious problems. Anxiety, Depression, anger management, Bi-Polar, substance abuse --- it's all there in my family history. Mental health problems on my mom's side, anger and bi-polar on my dad's and substance abuse heavy on both sides. My dad was an alcoholic until I was about 11-ish -- He started to get clean as my parents got divorced and has been clean ever since, but he is not around too much though he lives in the same town.

I have an extensive background full of bad experiences including cutting, suicide attempts, psych ward hospitalizations, rape, emotional and physical abuse, substance abuse (alcohol only), panic attacks, EXTREME agoraphobia and overall serious anxiety that never ever diminishes (Of course not all of these situations applies to me right now, but over the past 15 years independently or together).

Every time I tell my doctor that I know what I'm suffering from is severe GAD, SAD, Agoraphobia, and Bi-Polar/Manic Depressive (As well as possibly Borderline, which was only diagnosed once while I was on one of my extended hospital stays...), they brush it aside, check my thyroid and tell me we'll talk about it next appointment. But I continue to bring it up and they refuse to entertain the thought and fall back on my depression as the cause of my anxiety when I'm sure they go hand in hand, if not it's my anxiety causing more depression than normal.

I've taken Prozac, lamictal, Buspar (Which gave me serious suicidal thoughts and when I told my GP 1 week later, she told me to KEEP TAKING IT and I threw them away and didnt go back to a dr for 2 years), and now I'm on the Wellbutrin. It was doing fine for me this past summer because things were going well for me, my job was going well, my outside stress was VERY minimal and I felt, overall, better.... But my anxiety still wasn't fixed. However, it helped my depression and that to me seemed such an improvement, I didn't want to complain....

Fast forward to now. A month ago, my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given one year to live. She and I are not close, but close enough that I'm torn up over it. She has panic disorder and has since I was at least 9 and absolutely cannot function without her medication (Effexor xr has worked for her for many years) ... However of course, now that she has been diagnosed terminally, she is having panic attacks round the clock and valium and other heavy anxiety meds only seem to make it worse for her when she wakes up from her benzo haze. In December, my boyfriend of 8 years was released from prison after a 9 month stay as well, so that was a stress reliever for me, or at least I think.

Money, as always, is one of the main causes of my anxiety. I can't pay my bills because I can't go to work because I can barely get out of bed. I cry constantly, out of nowhere. I'm shaky, faint, and so easily startled, others laugh at me for being "jumpy". I never leave my bedroom and prefer not to see any other people, not even my mom who is dying or my boyfriend who I missed so much the past year or my very best friend... Or even my 10 year old daughter who I have an open adoption with (with my local aunt, so she is a part of my life often).

I've always had serious social anxiety (It started when I got my period -- I had a meltdown over others knowing I was on my period or leaking through a pad to serious social humiliation, and I refused to leave the house for months. I was 12. My drs said it would pass as I got older and got over my teen years. My fear of my period is gone... But my anxiety isnt.) I have almost no friends because I feel exiled, hated, and unwanted 110% of the time.

I hate myself... Because I know these feelings aren't normal. Other than this, I am healthy, I am "pretty", or so I'm constantly told, I am talented in art and writing. By all intents and purposes, I should be extremely successful and happy.

But the Doctors don't believe me. Unfortunately, I have public health due to the fact that I have no money since I can't work due to this debilitating "disease", so I can only seem to get the very bare minimum in health care. I have to wait at least 2 months or more to see a Dr every time and I'm starting to feel like no matter what I do, this is going to be my life... for the rest of my life.

I am at the end of my rope. My friends, family, and significant other are so fed up with me because of my reactions to these feelings, even with my Wellbutrin, that they are angry with me, resentful and simply dont even want me around anymore, and I know that that is not my anxiety talking to me -- It's real because they've all told me.

I don't know how to get help when no one will help me. I'm sorry I just wrote a huge book that probably makes no sense but I'm desperate for help or suggestions on how to get them to take me seriously.

I dont want to be this way, but could it be my appearance? I do have tattoos and piercings and look "alternative". Is this a reason that I should continue to suffer?

I have had more panic attacks in the past month than I have my entire life, though I experience feelings very similar to panic attacks when flashing lights occur, when in the car or driving, when my foot or leg falls asleep, and especially if someone nearby moves quickly or looks at me oddly and of course any time I'm around someone I don't know, especially in a public setting. When I have a job interview, have to leave my house for ANY reason, or have to be around people... Even my very best friend of 15 years... I still feel the panic barely contained. Wellbutrin has helped my wide mood swings and has helped to keep me more balanced, which I am so grateful for, cuz that was a huge problem too, but my anxiety is worse and worse....

And worse. And I don't know what to do anymore because doctors don't seem to think there's anything wrong with me. I don't want to have to go to the ER and admit myself to the psych ward just to get help. And even then, while in the presence of doctors, I feel judged, humiliated. I feel as though they are irritated by my feelings and that they resent me... And I see it in their eyes. They don't believe me.

My whole life I always knew that I was smart and talented, more so than some other people... I always thought I was just normal.

At 28 years old, I'm finally admitting that there is something seriously wrong with me and I can't talk to anyone in my real life about it and no medical professionals that I have access to seem to take me seriously.

I'm sorry for the jumbled mess I just wrote. Help.

[Anne1221]

I don't know why they don't understand or are not more helpful. From reading about anxiety, on this forum and others, I'm not certain this is true, but I have "heard" that Wellbutrin is not as helpful for treating anxiety as it is for treating depression. When you are in the right frame to do this, put down in writing a coherent statement of what is going on in your life. Just stick with facts only, not subjective things. Then hand this to the next doctor to let him/her read it. Keep being determined because there has got to be one good doctor out there to help you.

[Nowuccas]

Although I'm neither doctor, nor therapist, I've read about those disorders, and have collected a number of natural treatments and techniques over the years, some of which may prove helpful.

AGORAPHOBIA: View http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?34181-Fear-of-getting-out&p=224994#post224994

ANXIETY - GENERALISED ANXIETY DISORDER: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?33964-New-to-the-site-and-looking-for-help&p=223989#post223989

ANXIETY or PANIC ATTACKS: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?33197-Do-I-have-anxiety-disorder-or-something-worse&p=220006#post220006

DEPRESSION: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?32707-has-this-happend-to-you&p=216510#post216510

FEAR: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?34207-Help&p=225105#post225105

HERBAL ANXIOLYTICS: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?34269-5-Powerful-Tools-You-Probably-Haven-t-Tried-Yet&p=225415#post225415

NON HERBAL ANXIOLTYICS: 5-htp, etc. http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?34355-Help-Please!!!/page2

SOCIAL ANXIETY: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?33912-My-SA-Dealing-with-thoughts-of-judgement&p=223666#post223666

VITAMIN D: (for Seasonal Affective Disorder) http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?34051-Wobbly-eyesight By remaining in your bedroom most of the time, you would probably be generating very little vitamin D through exposure of unprotected skin to sunlight.

Anger management: http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/s.html and page 1.

Bipolar disorder: http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/c.html and page 1. Bipolars have both depressive, and manic / hypomanic phases. It would be highly unusual for someone to suffer from both bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder; their symptoms are similar. See http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/x.html and check out https://www.google.com.au/search?client=opera&q=bpd%3B+bipolar+disorder%3B+differences&sourceid=opera&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8 about their differences.

Seasonal Affective Disorder: http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/3.html

Antidepressants may trigger mania/hypomania in bipolars.

Self harm: http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/a.html and page 1.

Self esteem: http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/1.html *

A previous post follows, modified for you:

Firstly, dispense with your self limiting belief system, and recognise that you are allowing the negative side of your mind to hold you back from progress in these areas. Re-program your emotional responses. Hate is a strong term; reduce it to: "I dislike myself, and my life, at present". This allows for the possibility of change. Realise, and accept that YOU are the one who programmed your mind, and that YOU have the ability to re-program it.

When you notice something negative, such as: "I'm never going to get over this!" or: "Why am I always so pathetic/useless/such a loser?" or even: "I can't do this/will never get over this!", or a disturbing image, recognise that this is part of the mindset which will hold you back from progress. Having identified and labelled it, visualise a large red "STOP!" sign, and/or possibly a stern faced person wagging an index finger at you in a negative manner, then say to yourself as forcefully as you can, even aloud in a big voice, if alone: "I know this tactic: GO AWAY FOR A WHILE !!!"

You may want to use either: "ruse", "ploy", "game", or "trick", instead of "tactic". In the case of an image, visualise a large "STOP" sign, or your preferred version. Some people go so far as to keep a wide rubber band in their pocket, then put it around their wrist, when they catch themselves backsliding, stretch and release it, as a method of reprogramming their mind sooner, but I don't regard it as being strictly necessary. Remember to remove it, afterwards, if you use this method. Recognise, and challenge your negative monologue (self talk).

Make a conscious commitment to being positive, and optimistic, even if it is apparently unrealistic, or inappropriate, because of the benefits it will provide, later on. WORK, to change yourself into someone you can think much better of. See page B at Weebly.com, below, and volunteer, even from home, at first, to provide a solid basis in reality for the daily affirmations: "I am a good person, who is valued by my community, because I (insert activity here)". As one insightful (paraphrasing poetically) person put it: an affirmation, without foundation is mere mental masturbation; also read the post on self esteem, below, about creating a firm foundation for building self esteem. Make a list of all your good points, strengths, and achievements. Put it somewhere so you can easily refer to it, from time to time; perhaps on the refrigerator door, or print it; (large typeface, or capitalise) have it framed, and place in your bedroom, or in a position of prominence, such as on the television, or lounge room wall.

Read: "Compassion and Self Hate: An Alternative to Despair", by Theodore I. Rubin, and "There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate", by Cheri Huber and June Shiver, and "Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior", by Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg, and "Lift your mood now." by John D Preston, Psy.D. 2001, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 5674 Shattuck Avenue, Oakland. CA 94609

Practice a relaxation method, daily, and when needed, such as http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html ** or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody/a/Meditation.htm
or www.wikihow.com/Meditate or the Yoga Nidra (no flexibility required) on page L at your-mental-health.weebly.com, below, or Tai Chi, Qi Gong, or regular yoga. They will enable you to emotionally centre yourself, if practised regularly. Most people are suggestible, to some extent, so consider professional hypnotherapy, or instant-hypnosis.com has: Love Yourself, and http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com has one about Self Hate. Professional advice is to use preferably only 1, or a maximum of 2 at any one time.

LOVING YOURSELF:
Read: Learning to Love Yourself Workbook by Gay Hendricks, & Loving Yourself: Four Steps to a Happier You by Daphne Rose Kingma, & Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, from your bookstore, or amazon.com
View the post about self esteem on page 1 at http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/1.html *

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In your case, I suggest that you begin by learning, and becoming proficient in an anti-anxiety attack breathing technique, and either progressive muscle relaxation** or acupressure tapping / EFT, and employ which of those 2 work best for you.

Give the Meridian Tapping Technique / EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via mercola.com or www.tapping.com (13 free videos), or www.eftuniverse.com or www.emofree.com or one of the many YouTube videos. Google: "YouTube; EFT videos".
Professionally instructed is generally preferable (Google: therapists; EFT; [your location] ). - There is a version for use in public places at http://eft.mercola.com (if you like, you can claim to have a headache, as you employ the acupressure massage / tapping on your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I have some disorders, I deeply and completely accept myself)."

Hopefully you may then be able to overcome your agoraphobia in stages; first going outside for a short time, then on the day after a short walk, and on the day after perhaps the local shops, and so on, building confidence with each step.

If you can, try to find a female doctor, but generally, doctors and psychiatrists tend to rely more on medications, and either don't have the knowledge of techniques that a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist would, or they don't have the time to instruct their patients in their use.

"And even then, while in the presence of doctors, I feel judged, humiliated. I feel as though they are irritated by my feelings and that they resent me... And I see it in their eyes. They don't believe me" - view COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS at http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?33992-Magic-thinking-another-reason-why-I-am-afraid-of-my-thoughts&p=224089#post224089 and see if some apply.

"Feeling Good." The New Mood Therapy. Harper Collins. 1999. ( updated sequel to his US bestseller about treating depression & anxiety; very comprehensive), by David D. Burns, M.D., from your local library, bookstore, Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com explains cognitive distortions in detail, and how to deal with all of them.

[Defeat Panic]

@ghostlly
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time. From reading your story, it's safe to assume your past circumstances and environmental factors are what triggered and made you prone to an anxiety disorder.
Now I'm pretty sure you blame your parents or past circumstances like most people with anxiety/depression end up doing (I did that at one point too.)
I guess it's important to realize they are just human, and reflecting on your past won't do much but make you angrier and feel resentment.

As far as medication goes, I'm pretty sure you don't want to go down that train. Medication comes with a whole host of problems and side effects. Anxiety can make you feel hopeless but turning to medication isn't the answer.
If you NEED help managing the symptoms temporarily I'll suggest better and much safer alternatives such as Kratom, Kava, and Phenibut which are if not more effective than the anti-depressants and medication.

But even then you don't want to use them as a tool to mask your symptoms, they should just be for the time being. Long term, you need to work on actually fixing the whole problem.
Seek out someone trained in Acceptance Commitment Therapy, that might be the best path and way better than CBT for sure.

I have a couple articles up on anxiety as of now and on kratom, you can check them out on my website from the link in my signature.

Good Luck, and if you have any questions or need help, feel free to private message me.

[Im-Suffering]

I hate myself... .

This is the reason for all of it, period. It started when you were very young. Because of the environment and abuse. The home atmosphere you understand is psychological abuse even if a hand was never taken to you. It shaped and molded your personality and what was to come, so to speak. How you feel about yourself started by your own self repeated talk as a child in that home, coping with emotions and events happening around and to you. You are still that hurt child, and mothers diagnosis has triggered many dormant emotions you have tried to bury over the years. You see, you can't run from yourself, even if you lock yourself up in a ward.

It was not your fault. And so grown up now, you are stuck in that childhood, feeling the unresolved feelings of that child as if time were frozen.

This is what you must work on, it's nothing external. The external is created because or as a result of how you feel about yourself, and what you deserve. Money is a reflection of that self worth, for example.

If you want to feel better, look inside out, it's the only way.

You begin by seeing your beliefs as those of a hurt child, from an adult perspective you will see things much differently, looking back, and have empathy, compassion for that child self, validate it's conclusions, it was only trying to cope, but without reason and the intellect of the now adult, it could be lost in a sea of pain it, itself has created. You created your mental environment. Meaning the external as it was thrust upon you, caused you to believe falsely about who you are.

If you hate the anxiety, you invalidate and hate the childs feelings. The child feels bad enough about itself and the scary world it must face in order to heal. Embrace her, feeling the anxiety as she felt it, validating her reasons for it, do not run. Settle things with mom, before she dies, and then move on to dad. Speak your mind, heal yourself of the pain. Find yourself, that is the purpose. Once the crap is gone, you can begin to live as the true self, intended from birth.

This is your life challenge, to live the opposite of the current feelings and ideas, to love yourself. To see the polarity and how love and hate effect and shape your experience.

Namaste and good luck we are all Travellers on our own journey to healing. This is yours, you do have the strength and courage to face yourself, you always are equipped with the necessary tools to face any challenge. Take the first steps and the rest will fall into place with the way discovered more with each step of courage taken. Baby steps.

[Ponder]

Indeed, it's good to see you back Marc. :)

[Im-Suffering]

Indeed, it's good to see you back Marc. :)

Hey D. How's it going around here?

[Dahila]

it's going, Hi Marc :)) I had missed you :)

[Ponder]

Much better since seeing some of the old gang once more. I'm with Dahila - with regard to kids constantly crying over split milk. It's been going something like that. :)