Trying to Write a Novel, Anxiety Interfering

[HookTheCodfish]

My entire life I have wanted to become an author when I grew up. Well I'm now 27 and living on my own, and have been struggling tremendously to get the first draft of a novel done for a few years. I've lost count of all the resources I've gone to for writing your first novel, and they talk about all kinds of problems and struggles aspiring writers have, yet I can't find ANY that even come close to touching on the one that is most difficult for me, which is trying to write a book with an anxiety disorder.

My favorite authors were working on their first novels in college. I began work on mine in college but could not be serious about it because school took so much of my energy, and I wasn't diagnosed and medicated until halfway through college. I thought I'd start committing to the book after graduation, but living with my parents, the stress made it impossible. My mother is mentally ill, and is my biggest "trigger" for anxiety. When I'm in a bad way like I am now, just thinking about her makes me cringe and feel ill. (I actually look over my shoulder at times even knowing she's nowhere near me.) So I put the novel on hold yet again, and focused on moving out of my parents' house. Then I still had trouble because the apartment I found was only a 5 minute drive from them, and my mom could still find me whenever she wanted. I then focused on moving to another city. I now live half an hour away from her, and feel overall far more relaxed and safe than before. But anxiety is still a bitch, and causing problems with the book.

I feel ashamed to commit to writing because I am "supposed" to be looking for a "real job" (I currently work as a cashier despite having a college degree). But when I don't work on my novel that depresses me. When I hear about other people working on their novels I get depressed, and on very bad days I get physically unsettled.

I am also not used to telling anyone that I am working on a book. I have kept the novel a secret for years because living with my mother I learned that anything important has to be kept a secret.

On the whole my life is improving. My relationship with my parents is better than it has been in years. My dad is helping me get a car (I'm paying for it, he's just teaching me how to shop for one). With the car I can return to having a normal social life. I've started to sell art online, and I'm preparing a shorter story for an online contest. I have no reason to be upset or anxious but I suppose if it made any logical sense it wouldn't be a disorder would it.

Basically when I try to write I am attacked by fears that I'm neglecting something more important or doing something wrong, or that I have started writing too late in my life, or that I'm focusing on the wrong project.

Is anyone else on this forum attempting to work on a creative project with an anxiety disorder interfering?

[Anne1221]

Everyone living with anxiety needs time to do something that is stress-less for them. For me, it's exercising. You need to do this writing in order to give yourself some recreational time. Just enjoy it and know you're working on one of your goals in life.

[drinae]

Well, I gave up on my own writing project some years ago partly because of anxiety, because I was anxious that it wouldn't be good enough (I had been promised publication, but I would have had to make significant changes which I didn't know how to make), partly because I felt like I should be focusing on something else (my "real" career). I was probably a lot less determined about the project in the first place than you seem to be because even when I was focused on it it didn't feel like a huge priority for me. It sort of came about by accident. But it would be a shame if someone with your determination would give up on a goal like that.

First of all, you have not started writing too late in life. There are many authors who were much older than 27 when they published their first book. It's not the wrong project if it feels like something you want to and have to do. Sure, it could be that it won't be a great success, but you won't know unless you try. Maybe you can give yourself some time to focus working on this, and decide that you'll focus on looking for a "real job" later. It sounds like your life has been improving, so maybe this too will improve.

If you haven't found resources about writing a novel with an anxiety disorder, maybe you should change your focus and read something about anxiety instead (if you haven't already). I recently read The Mindful Way through Anxiety by Susan Orsillo and Lizabeth Roemer. In addition to talking about mindfulness, it talks a bit about how difficult it can be if you put off what you really want to do because of anxiety, thinking that you can only focus on what you want to do when you have dealt with anxiety, and it talks about examining and clarifying your values. There are no doubt other books about anxiety that could be helpful, and I don't know whether mindfulness would be something you'd be interested in, but this just happens to be one of the few books I have read.

[brfoo]

Hey,

It is great to hear you are doing such a progress! It does not matter when your favourite authors started to write their books. You know why? Because they are not you! Could it be that you avoid writing because you have always had it as a dream and you are afraid that if you start it , it could go wrong, but until you start it you will always had a "still a chance" feeling. I am just asking, because sometimes I tend do to this with projects (not writing- just in general). I am sure you know that you are writing for your own pleaseure, it is your way of expressing your emotions and feelings and you don't have to live up to any standards. There is no such thing that you have to write the best book by 27 or else you are doomed :) Another thing that I noticed when I read your post is that you feel guilty when you write, because you should be doing something more important. Don't punish yourself, when you are working on your dream that is one of the most important things :) You deserve working on your dream, don't be ashamed about it! So try to shoo the feelings away and tell yourself "the time I spend working on my dream is useful and important." Do you think you would be able to find another job that is a bit more close to your profession (content writing, teaching creative writing, journalism or else) ?

I am sure you are capable of so many incredible things! It is okay to be afraid , nothing and no one is perfect, just keep going on. Continue this awesome progress you have made. I am rooting for you!

[sae]

I can easily relate to this. I have been working on a ...well, I am not really sure what it is just yet aside from an 800,000 word editor's worst nightmare. I think the only thing that keeps me from wrapping it up is the fear that it won't be near as interesting to someone else.
My writing, as with my painting, is the vulnerable portrayal of my deepest thoughts and even fears. In a lot of ways I am convinced I will never actually find a stopping point, nor will it see the light of day because of the vulnerability of it.
What keeps me tapping away at it is the joy of the journey. Ask yourself why you began writing it in the first place. Chances are it was to share something of yourself with the world around you. Everything else falls in place in its own good time. Take back the joy writing gives you and start from there.
If you ever want to do a peer edit swap feel free to message me.

[HighAnxiety]

Maybe just try to write 100 words a day or something like that. I think it may make it more manageable and less over whelming. At the end of the month you will have a fair amount accomplished. Once you get some momentum going it you can build on it!

[HookTheCodfish]

Hey,

It is great to hear you are doing such a progress! It does not matter when your favourite authors started to write their books. You know why? Because they are not you! Could it be that you avoid writing because you have always had it as a dream and you are afraid that if you start it , it could go wrong, but until you start it you will always had a "still a chance" feeling. I am just asking, because sometimes I tend do to this with projects (not writing- just in general). I am sure you know that you are writing for your own pleaseure, it is your way of expressing your emotions and feelings and you don't have to live up to any standards. There is no such thing that you have to write the best book by 27 or else you are doomed :) Another thing that I noticed when I read your post is that you feel guilty when you write, because you should be doing something more important. Don't punish yourself, when you are working on your dream that is one of the most important things :) You deserve working on your dream, don't be ashamed about it! So try to shoo the feelings away and tell yourself "the time I spend working on my dream is useful and important." Do you think you would be able to find another job that is a bit more close to your profession (content writing, teaching creative writing, journalism or else) ?

I am sure you are capable of so many incredible things! It is okay to be afraid , nothing and no one is perfect, just keep going on. Continue this awesome progress you have made. I am rooting for you!

Thanks! It'll be a while before I'm ready for editing though.

[HookTheCodfish]

Sorry replied to the wrong post last time. Ignore my last post.

But anyway, thanks for the long and thought out response! And thanks for rooting for me.

[vinyl]

HTC,

I can relate, as I have anxiety and I am also a writer.

My advice is to set yourself a tiny target of quantity to write every day.
And I do mean quantity - say 10 lines or so.
We are far too critical when it comes to quality and even more so when you have anxiety, so focus only on quality.
Churn it out.
Turn off all criticism.
If you write complete nonsense some days, just churn it out and get it down.

When you have a critical mass of pages written, say 20-30 then you will have massive momentum that even your anxiety wont be able to take away.

The other issue is that I suggest avoid saying to yourself or others that you are writing a novel.
That's a really terrifying target and it will loom over you too long. It will torture you.
We have this image in our heads of what a novel should be and its too stretching for 99% of people to produce.

Start by telling yourself you are going to write a short story - say 5 pages long. It throws together a character or two, something happens, and you wrap it up as clumsily as you like.
Once you finish that you will have a sense of achievement and a milestone down.

I wrote a script for a film which I made into a feature film. If I had allowed the self criticism on, not a page of it would have been written,

How much have you written so far?
If the answer is 10 lines or 1 page, that's fine.

Best wishes,
Vinyl