restless coz of a thing that has happened 6 yrs back!

[cordelia]

hi i am cordelia and i am 22 yrs old. first of all i want to say that this is a great site helping alot of people like me.thank you very much for such a gr8 site!
i had been through a scary thing 6 yrs ago. my friend's brother has tried to rape me :( i have tried really hard to get away from him but it was so totally unexpected that i was mortified for a while.he has pounced on me and bumped into my lips. he has tried to do the penetrative sex (sorry if i'm giving too much information) but i've tried to escape and i've did eventually.since then he has started black mailing me that he would kidnap me and rape me if i donot have sex with him.i didnt tell my parents at that time because i thought they would be scared for me and i thought i could solve the problem for myself.he has tortured me like that for a year and a half.after that my dad came to know about it and he has lodged a police complaint against that guy and everything became fine.
i've struggled really hard to forget that.after this an uncle of mine has also treid to molest me.i've escaped this time too.i was really depressed and told my best friend about this stuff but she too has let me down by telling this to all of my other friends.
i dnt knw why did this happen to me.i've never hurt anyone on purpose and i never let other people's secrtes out.
since then i've been depressed,i've lost trust on people.i'm scared to walk alone on roads or speak with a stranger thinking that they might harm me or kill me.i used to be a very talkative person before but nw i hardly speak.i'm trying my best to become normal but i'm not able to do so.
and now my marriage has been arranged and by GOD's grace i've got the most amazing guy i've ever seen.he's funny,supportive and morever he's my best friend.i was happy at the beginning but oflately my conscience has started pricking me saying that i dont deserve him since i've been tried to be molested.
and morever i'm getting all these kinds of negative thoughts and nightmares that may be i was raped but i dont remember it.i know it sounds so foolish but i'm not able to get out of this situation.i'm desperate for help.please please please help me....
anyone??? please help me.i'm waiting for an answer.it is my request...please..

[Carla]

Hello Cordelia
You have been through an awful lot and a terrible time. I am so sorry. No one should ever have to deal with that.
I am so happy for you that you now have a lovely relationship with your future husband. You deserve someone special. You say you dont feel like you deserve him You certainly do! You feel that you dont because you have previously been treated terribly and you feel that you are now not worthy of anyone treating you well. This is due to what these people who abused you have done. They have taken away all your self worth and self respect by what they did. They showed you no respect and you are now so down on yourself that you feel you dont deserve anything good that happens. Dont let them continue to have power over you. Tell yourself that from now on that you have the upper hand in this and that you are not going to let them and how they treated you make you feel as you do anymore. You can get counselling and help and can have a great marriage to a wonderful guy and have a great life, despite what happened.
All the nightmares and bad dreams are due to your mind being in a state of upset over what has happened. You are in a state of inner turnmoil. All the feelings that you are experiencing are to do with this too. You need to seek professional help and counselling to help you with how you are feeling. It will help. It is only natural the way you feel due to what has happened. I certainly would be depressed and upset. Who wouldnt be!
You seem to be blaming yourself with some of the comments that you made. A lot of victims of abuse do this, as though it were there fault. You must constantly remember that it was never your fault at all. It was the abusers fault. They did wrong. They should never have done what they did. You are the innocent victim in what happened. You never asked nor deserved to be treated the way you have been. The fault lies purely with the abusers. No wonder you feel the way that you do with depression and all the other feelings that you must have. It is understandable that you have lost trust and faith in people and are fearful of people. 3 people have betrayed you. However not all people are the same and there are a lot of good people too in the world as well as horrible ones. If your 'friend' went and told others what you had told her in confidence then that is not what a true friend does. I certainly wouldnt want her as a friend. Confide in your parents as to how you are feeling. Tell them everything. Does your fiance know about what has happened? Hopefully if he is a nice guy he will be supportive, caring and understanding. You do need to get professional help for how you are feeling to help you cope with the fallout from what has happened to you. I am so sorry that you have been through what you have. You never deserved it, please remember that. I am happy for you that you have now met a lovely guy and I hope that the future is much better for you in every way. Get help with counselling and although the events of the past will never go away, it will help you in dealing with the emotions you are experiencing due to it. I wish you all the best and you do deserve it.

[cordelia]

hey carla! thank you so much for replying to my post. i'm very happy to find someone to support me through my hard time. thank you very much once again and may GOD bless you!