Bitterness

[salvator here]

I've seen it eat people up and turn kind bright people into ugly mean ogres - I've watched the darkness and bitterness overtake their entire soul and being. I (unfortunately) at times catch myself looking around at people and I think to myself 'why are you so special' - 'why were you so lucky' - 'where did you go so right and I went so wrong'. I'm not proud of it, but I see it happening. I don't wish pain an suffering on anybody whatsoever and I'm not happy by others misfortune. I firmly believe that we get back the energy we put out. I don't blame others as I'm responsible for my own decisions and choices and have to live with the consequences,

I hope I can catch this before I turn into a sour old bastard like the guys that throw rolled up newspapers out of their windows at kids just playing in the yard and call the cops when neighbors play their music too loud; and a wind up a person nobody wants to be around walking around with a permanent scowl.

Sorry, maybe I am just venting, and the several edits trying to articulate myself.

[brfoo]

Hmm. I used to do the same. Then I realized maybe they have their own problems with something else, I cannot tell. But by looking others like this, you are punishing yourself more. You are punishing yourself by telling you are not normal. You know what? Nobody is without problems (small or big), so you should not push yourself over the edge for not being perfect. You are you, please don't compare yourself to others only to say negative things about yourself. It is very self-destructive. I know, I did that (sometimes still, but I try to get hold of it). Instead observe those people who you know come from down or a worse place than you are and made it. Don't envy them, just let them show you there is a way out. If others who are less fortunate were able to make it or still are trying after a lot of failure, then so can you. I don't say to force yourself to fake happiness all the time. No. Without sadness we would not appreciate the beauty of being happy :) I just want you to allow yourself to develop, to be happier, to see your good side.

Here I start a positive list for you (sorry I am limited to this forum):

-you are always there to greet newcomers
-you are well-read and smart
-you always have kind words to others
-you fight with your negative feelings and always conclude how you would like to develop which is very positive

I leave it to you to complete the list and embrace your good qualities :) I actually think by reading your encouraging comments to others that you would be a very good motivator, why not encourage yourself as well? Don't spare that from yourself what you give to others.

Please do some guided meditation, do some easy yoga, go for an evening walk, read a good book, listen to happy music, eat something healthy and delicious, anything that could confort you a little or inspire you. There is so much life has for you just grab one and go with it. Keep your eyes open for opportunities.

These guys rock at yoga, give it a try, just don't push yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbyHCkNEOKo
Banacakes? delicious and healthy (no maple syrup, use honey instead) : http://www.notquitenigella.com/2013/12/14/paleo-banana-pancakes/
Meditation for self-esteem, its one my favourites :) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFvelHlN9Rw


You have a very strong mind. Imagine what you could do if you would shift your attention to positive thinking, you would create magnificient things, I am sure. Okay, your situation is not ideal. But you can stop here and continue worrying and say it is unfair (sorry for saying this- I told myself as well) or you can continue the path you have started.

“Life is like a piano, the white keys are happy days and the black keys are sad ones. Just remember that you need both to make music. ”

[salvator here]

Thank you so much brfoo for everything you wrote. I have read it over and over and I'm just now coming to terms with your advice.

Honestly, although I have my moments where I find myself feeling bitter and jealous, I don't think its in me to become sour and dark, I only feel love in my heart! I do have a strong mind and I don't want to wast my intellect comparing myself to others (their personal situations don't apply to mind - we are all unique), I need to only concern myself with my (own) situation and put 100% energy on picking myself up and moving upward and onward. You're right, we all have our own problems, and I can look at guys my age and even though they have luxurious jobs, and family of their own, and much in the way of material things/possessions, I can also recognize the struggles they go through to maintain their elite status - I wouldn't want that pressure at all. I believe life has something else planned for me, and I will make sure I'm in the right place and right frame of mind to recognize it and embrace it.

And no, what you wrote is not unfair at all. Sometimes I need a reality check and I could just sit here and lick my wounds and complain, or I can get up, make smart and precise decisions/goals to better my future and put my plan into action. I don't want to waste another second walling in self pity, keeping this silly list of what other have and what I don't have. Time is of essence and I each day that passes me by is another day I could be improving my life - there is not room for bitterness and I don't deserve to punish myself (anymore)

I feel energized and want to just become the best I can be and put forth my full potential to become the best man I can and fulfill my dreams and create the life I so desire.

Your posting has helped me more that you will ever know :)

[brfoo]

Hey,

Nothing at all :) Please don't take it as too pushy. It is not like you have to take a 180 degree turn now. The road to a balanced life is not easy, there are obstacles on the way that slow you down, what i ask of you is never to turn back! There will be good days and bad days, but just remember that life is like that. I don't want a perfect life (there is no perfect life for sure). I just want a mostly happy life to which sad or bad days also belong.

I am now experiencing more freedom by closing my eyes and doing things I would not dare if i would over-analyze them and at the end of the day it makes me happier and stronger. I discover that things are not as scary as i imagine them to be. On the other hand, I can still get too anxious mostly over my relation to my friends (sometimes I still feel they might be talking behind my back or disliking me for not being able to act as they want to- but i know these things are mostly in my mind, I should not be thinking about this all the time, I need to give some credit to people and even if they fail me, life will go on... it is a part of life). it just shows that I still have things to work on. So you too have time and space to develop. You don't have to eliminate feelings, just slowly reshape them by becoming wiser about the world. If you say yesterday I really questioned why other people seem happy, this feeling won't change for tomorrow. What can change in a day though is the acceptance of what you feel. That this feeling is normal, because you are stressed, then shrug it off instead of focusing your attention on it. Then as you work on yourself and experience new things and discover goals and hobbies or whatever comes to your way, eventually you will let go of these feelings :) Maybe you won't even notice you changed, it will feel just so natural.

I just wish you the best, you are such a good person, it shines through your comments, so give yourself time, love yourself and everything will be better. It is a process that takes time. But I am rooting for you!

I look up to many of you here on this forum still fighting, still improving, I take courage and inspiration from you! :) That is one great achievement if you ask me!

Have a wonderful Friday ahead of you and don't forget to try banacakes :D