insidemyhead
02-20-2016, 03:00 AM
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and I feel like I've caused constant problems throughout down to my anxiety. A bit of background - we started seeing each other around 14 months ago and I'd been single for 5 and a half years beforehand (despite dating nothing really went further). When we started off I was quite calm and felt in a controlled place about everything, but his ex girlfriend suddenly messaged him when she saw we were together, calling him a pet name (that she apparently hadn't since they broke up 2 years before) and asking him to meet up because she was back in the city for a day. Long story short it caused a lot of turmoil because I panicked and didn't feel comfortable and he eventually decided not to meet her because it was a bad situation. From then on, the anxiety has just escalated.
It triggered a real problem that I have with trust and insecurity and, though my boyfriend has never been unfaithful to me, I can't help but panic when he says he's going out on a big night out with his friends and in situations where I know he's going to be with other girls. There have been awful situations where we lived with a girl in a flatshare who constantly flirted with him and it just sent me spiralling out of control, along with ongoing fears from the ex girlfriend (above) messaging private jokes they'd had. There were countless bad situations and arguments and I eventually went to CBT in the hope that I'd learn how to deal with everything better. Some things helped, but I found it very difficult to put theory into practice when I was having an episode and in my last session the therapist actually shouted at me that I am treating my boyfriend unfairly and he doesn't deserve it. It's so heartbreaking because I know he doesn't deserve it, I went in the first place because I wanted to be a better person and girlfriend, it's my problem and the only thing stopping me being happy but I just can't get my brain to quiet down about all the worries I have.
I've tried a lot that I hoped would work - I heard CBT would help so I did that for 7 months, I knew my anxiety was less under control if I drank so I've stopped drinking, I heard anxiety and depression can be linked to birth control so I've recently stopped taking that. I just want to be better, I know he's beginning to resent me because he can't even go for drinks with people from the company he works for without me worrying that he's going to see the grass is greener and want to be with someone that isn't a total nightmare.
I know that everyone's going to say exactly what google searches have shown me before, that if I don't trust him then I have some big issues that may be past resolving and we shouldn't be together - but it's not just him. I am genuinely so happy with him when things don't crop up for me to panic about, and I know in my head that I do trust he would be faithful to me, I just can't stand the thought of other people flirting with him and really fear he'd get black out drunk and do something without even knowing. I know I would be exactly the same with anyone I was with, so am I meant to just resign myself to the fact that I can't be in a relationship forever?
When he was with the ex (mentioned at the top) he was in uni and they did a lot of drugs until he ended up in hospital, from then on he stopped doing 'heavier' stuff but I told him from the outset of our relationship that I really don't like drugs and would have to break things off if he started doing them, and then in November on his brother's birthday night out he took pills and couldn't even hold a conversation with me. We worked through it and he told me he didn't realise I was serious about what I said but promised not to do them again - though I know he would if we weren't together (he's told me). I don't even know what I'm saying or why I'm typing anymore it just is all coming out and I want someone to listen and to help because I want to change. I live here in a city 250 miles away from home in a flat with him and I almost just want to quit my job and pack up my stuff and go home sometimes to let him live a happy, stress-free life without me. I just feel like such a burden, like I'm just holding him back from living the life he wants to.
The last thing I want is for us to break up because we are really good otherwise, we've both said we're ridiculously happy and have done so many wonderful things together. We honestly are best friends in the sense that we can talk about the most inappropriate things and fool around and spend constant spells of time together, I'm just starting to worry that he would be better off without me and the anxiety weighing him down. I don't know if anyone will be able to offer me words of advice or hope, I'm trying so hard and he's told me I am getting a lot better, but when the lows hit it just feels like I'm drowning and no one understands or can help me. Sorry for the ridiculously long message - if you have anything to say at all please do.
It triggered a real problem that I have with trust and insecurity and, though my boyfriend has never been unfaithful to me, I can't help but panic when he says he's going out on a big night out with his friends and in situations where I know he's going to be with other girls. There have been awful situations where we lived with a girl in a flatshare who constantly flirted with him and it just sent me spiralling out of control, along with ongoing fears from the ex girlfriend (above) messaging private jokes they'd had. There were countless bad situations and arguments and I eventually went to CBT in the hope that I'd learn how to deal with everything better. Some things helped, but I found it very difficult to put theory into practice when I was having an episode and in my last session the therapist actually shouted at me that I am treating my boyfriend unfairly and he doesn't deserve it. It's so heartbreaking because I know he doesn't deserve it, I went in the first place because I wanted to be a better person and girlfriend, it's my problem and the only thing stopping me being happy but I just can't get my brain to quiet down about all the worries I have.
I've tried a lot that I hoped would work - I heard CBT would help so I did that for 7 months, I knew my anxiety was less under control if I drank so I've stopped drinking, I heard anxiety and depression can be linked to birth control so I've recently stopped taking that. I just want to be better, I know he's beginning to resent me because he can't even go for drinks with people from the company he works for without me worrying that he's going to see the grass is greener and want to be with someone that isn't a total nightmare.
I know that everyone's going to say exactly what google searches have shown me before, that if I don't trust him then I have some big issues that may be past resolving and we shouldn't be together - but it's not just him. I am genuinely so happy with him when things don't crop up for me to panic about, and I know in my head that I do trust he would be faithful to me, I just can't stand the thought of other people flirting with him and really fear he'd get black out drunk and do something without even knowing. I know I would be exactly the same with anyone I was with, so am I meant to just resign myself to the fact that I can't be in a relationship forever?
When he was with the ex (mentioned at the top) he was in uni and they did a lot of drugs until he ended up in hospital, from then on he stopped doing 'heavier' stuff but I told him from the outset of our relationship that I really don't like drugs and would have to break things off if he started doing them, and then in November on his brother's birthday night out he took pills and couldn't even hold a conversation with me. We worked through it and he told me he didn't realise I was serious about what I said but promised not to do them again - though I know he would if we weren't together (he's told me). I don't even know what I'm saying or why I'm typing anymore it just is all coming out and I want someone to listen and to help because I want to change. I live here in a city 250 miles away from home in a flat with him and I almost just want to quit my job and pack up my stuff and go home sometimes to let him live a happy, stress-free life without me. I just feel like such a burden, like I'm just holding him back from living the life he wants to.
The last thing I want is for us to break up because we are really good otherwise, we've both said we're ridiculously happy and have done so many wonderful things together. We honestly are best friends in the sense that we can talk about the most inappropriate things and fool around and spend constant spells of time together, I'm just starting to worry that he would be better off without me and the anxiety weighing him down. I don't know if anyone will be able to offer me words of advice or hope, I'm trying so hard and he's told me I am getting a lot better, but when the lows hit it just feels like I'm drowning and no one understands or can help me. Sorry for the ridiculously long message - if you have anything to say at all please do.