Keith Burgess
02-01-2016, 10:42 AM
Hi everyone.
I'm not sure where to begin.
A few years ago is when my anxiety first started. I was in a bad place, living somewhere I didn't wanna be with a person I didn't wanna be with at a crappy job. She ended up getting out, which was great. One night I was relaxing and that's the first time it ever really hit me. It crept up on me slowly, I had no idea what it was...
A year prior I had done LSD a few times, Mushrooms once. It reminded me of the Mushrooms, because of the terrible, creeping feeling that came up over my shoulders. It was a slow, sweeping panic and it was nothing I remembered ever feeling before. I could not sleep, my stomach wound up, couldn't vomit, couldn't eat, etc. It wasn't until morning my mother finally got over with some ativan and took me to her place. It was two weeks, this lasted, solid. I ended up on effexor (never again) and lorazepam. Maybe a few months, but it made it worse. I ended up kicking it myself, over time. Over the years I only ever had an acute attack here and there.
This weekend I caught a cold. It was fairly bad. No fever but I had never felt so weak and was unable to sleep for more than a few hours in the last couple days. Finally I started to feel better, I ate soup, tea, etc. Was feeling on game and ready to catch up on sleep... Until my stomach wound up, bloated and I was in discomfort. Needless to say I did not sleep, and as 4 or 5 am rolled around it came sweeping back for the first time in... Maybe five years. It was dull at first. I found myself repeating all the processes I tried the first time. Nothing worked, and it came hard.
I fought it all day. Got rid of the bloated feeling for a little while via gingerale but only managed an hour or two of sleep...
I'm supposed to see my doctor this weekend, but Friday is so far away. My mother has a large history with this, bi polar, fibro, etc... I was otherwise healthy although now I have concerns over my stomach/liver due to this "bile" taste in my mouth (I'm really, really hoping it's just mucus from the cold but I was also a fairly heavy drinker). I'm scared of medications. I'm horrified of them. Last time they made me feel like I was going crazy. I thought things I did not want to think.
I just want to go back to being normal... I want to find myself doing the things I loved, focusing on my loved ones, being able to work properly and eat and enjoy it. I hate this... I hate this so much and I thought I had kicked it for years and now I'm sitting here in my office at work crying over it.
I put on disney movies, sleepy tea, eat easy food like pro biotic yogurt, soups, soft bread. I feel horrible and I am so, so tired. Last night I slept for about 5 hours, which was fantastic... until I woke up this morning for work and it just came flooding back. I can't stop thinking about it. No matter what I do I can't get it off my mind... I'm so tired...
I'm not sure where to begin.
A few years ago is when my anxiety first started. I was in a bad place, living somewhere I didn't wanna be with a person I didn't wanna be with at a crappy job. She ended up getting out, which was great. One night I was relaxing and that's the first time it ever really hit me. It crept up on me slowly, I had no idea what it was...
A year prior I had done LSD a few times, Mushrooms once. It reminded me of the Mushrooms, because of the terrible, creeping feeling that came up over my shoulders. It was a slow, sweeping panic and it was nothing I remembered ever feeling before. I could not sleep, my stomach wound up, couldn't vomit, couldn't eat, etc. It wasn't until morning my mother finally got over with some ativan and took me to her place. It was two weeks, this lasted, solid. I ended up on effexor (never again) and lorazepam. Maybe a few months, but it made it worse. I ended up kicking it myself, over time. Over the years I only ever had an acute attack here and there.
This weekend I caught a cold. It was fairly bad. No fever but I had never felt so weak and was unable to sleep for more than a few hours in the last couple days. Finally I started to feel better, I ate soup, tea, etc. Was feeling on game and ready to catch up on sleep... Until my stomach wound up, bloated and I was in discomfort. Needless to say I did not sleep, and as 4 or 5 am rolled around it came sweeping back for the first time in... Maybe five years. It was dull at first. I found myself repeating all the processes I tried the first time. Nothing worked, and it came hard.
I fought it all day. Got rid of the bloated feeling for a little while via gingerale but only managed an hour or two of sleep...
I'm supposed to see my doctor this weekend, but Friday is so far away. My mother has a large history with this, bi polar, fibro, etc... I was otherwise healthy although now I have concerns over my stomach/liver due to this "bile" taste in my mouth (I'm really, really hoping it's just mucus from the cold but I was also a fairly heavy drinker). I'm scared of medications. I'm horrified of them. Last time they made me feel like I was going crazy. I thought things I did not want to think.
I just want to go back to being normal... I want to find myself doing the things I loved, focusing on my loved ones, being able to work properly and eat and enjoy it. I hate this... I hate this so much and I thought I had kicked it for years and now I'm sitting here in my office at work crying over it.
I put on disney movies, sleepy tea, eat easy food like pro biotic yogurt, soups, soft bread. I feel horrible and I am so, so tired. Last night I slept for about 5 hours, which was fantastic... until I woke up this morning for work and it just came flooding back. I can't stop thinking about it. No matter what I do I can't get it off my mind... I'm so tired...