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Kay03
01-27-2016, 03:57 PM
Hi everyone,
My name is Kaylan. I'm a 28 year old woman. I'm not sure how long or detailed this should be. It is my first ever forum (anxiety or otherwise). I have anxiety and depression and also struggle with OCD and have a phobia of germs. I have had most of these problems since childhood. I have had anxiety for a long time. But, like many thought it was normal to think and feel the way I do. (It actually took me a few tries to post this because I kept getting anxious and erasing it.) Depression developed later. There was a lot of domestic violence in my house growing up and with a lack of support from my family I started feeling worse and worse until I was self harming. My mother got cancer when I was 10 and became paranoid that I would get sick/was sick. For example, I wasn't supposed to drink from public water fountains lest they give me leukemia (I don't know why she thought this). That is when I started to become afraid of germs. The obsessive behavior was quick to follow as now many of the things I do on a daily basis must be done in a certain order or my anxiety gets worse. I also obsessively wash my hands and use hand sanitizer (even when I know logically I don't need it.) My hands will often crack and bleed from being so dry and over sanitized. The depression is probably the least of my worries. In the last several years my anxiety has become so much worse. Last year I had to quit my job because the physical symptoms became so severe and I couldn't stop breaking down, getting jitters, sore muscles, gagging and dry heaving, crying and having panic attacks. I have gotten another job and am only in the second day and feel overwhelmed. Last night I could not sleep due to anxiety and waves of panic. I am afraid I will never work again. I am afraid to tell my employer (even though I was hired by my good friend). I "know" he would never shame me, but I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have no control over my thoughts and my coping mechanisms are no longer as helpful as they once were. I was diagnosed with anxiety while at the old job and started depression and anxiety medication then had to go off because without the job I couldn't afford them. I feel like I'm in an endless catch 22 that is entirely my fault. It would just be nice to not feel alone.

programer
02-01-2016, 12:23 PM
We are here for You siz. I am Male, 18yrs old. I have very many impaiments includind hypochondria. We were born to suffer.