I'm trying to understand a person who has anxiety. Can you help me?

[No Fate]

Hello people of anxietyforum.net!

I am not someone who struggles from anxiety myself, but I am trying to understand someone who does, and I was wondering if you could help me. (I have had very minor experiences with anxiety during one or two periods of my life, but those were probably within the range of normal variation, and I can't really generalize from those experiences to understand someone with an anxiety disorder).

So the person is, of course, a woman who I have a crush on. (Ah, we human beings are just too predictable..)

The short story is that I met her at a concert, and then wrote her a message on facebook signalling that I find her attractive. (It was a really tame message overall.. I raised a topic that we had discussed after the concert, and then complimented her intelligence in a way which I think indicated that I am interested in her.)
She never responded to the message, which I found a bit confusing because she doesn't really seem cold-hearted. While she never responded to the message, she continued like-ing some of my facebook posts, which indicated to me that she doesn't dislike me. I didn't message or contact her further, because while I didn't understand why she didn't respond to my message, I thought that at the very least it meant that she isn't particularly attracted to me.

Some time later, we bumped into each other and spoke in person.. She brought up the issue with my message, and apologized for not having responded to it, and during the course of the conversation she indicated that she has some sort of anxiety disorder (which she indicated was the reason she hadn't responded), but we didn't really speak much about that. So after that, we didn't speak for a while, until at some point (more than a month later) she pretty much randomly messaged me saying that it would be great to chat with me about a subject that is of mutual interest to the two of us (a film). I wrote her a message in response.. to which she then never responded. That was about one month ago now. But she continues like-ing my facebook posts.

I find it difficult to interpret her behaviour. Does any of this resonate with any of you people? Can any of you provide a plausible explanation of why she might be doing what she is doing?

(I should point out that she does acting as a hobby, so she regularly stands on a stage in front of many people, and sometimes is the lead actress. I thought that might be relevant.)

Thanks in advance for your help,

No Fate

[jessed03]

Hey!

Welcome to the forum.

People with anxiety often differ from one day to the next. Some days they may feel closed off. Other days they may feel a little more confidence in themselves as symptoms settle down. Because of that they can be highly unpredictable, even flaky - as you've seen.

Generally, most people with an anxiety disorder doubt themselves and feel physical discomfort. Just how bad those particular symptoms are though depends on the severity of the anxiety.

It will really help if you could get this young lady to talk a little about how severe her anxiety is. Of course, be gentle as it may trigger her (or she may not want to talk about it), but understanding her condition is the key to understanding her at the moment. If it's mild, it shouldn't affect her too much dating-wise. If it's on the extreme side, it's likely she wants to avoid excess responsibility and commitment.

Anxiety is a monster, for sure, however some conditions are Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc. while others are destructive beasts like Godzilla!

[Anne1221]

To be honest, I can't understand her either. I am an extremely anxious person but I never simply do not respond to people, or at least make some effort to let them know what's going on with me. I personally think this woman is not dependable/considerate but she sounds attractive so you can decide if she's worth it or not.

[Anne1221]

Oh, I am sure she does have anxiety issues but her lack of responding coupled with her lack of concern for not responding does not seem like anxiety to me.

[No Fate]

To be honest, I can't understand her either. I am an extremely anxious person but I never simply do not respond to people, or at least make some effort to let them know what's going on with me. I personally think this woman is not dependable/considerate but she sounds attractive so you can decide if she's worth it or not.

Oh, I am sure she does have anxiety issues but her lack of responding coupled with her lack of concern for not responding does not seem like anxiety to me.


Thanks for sharing your view. But I would like to point out that she apologized to me, and it really seemed like a sincere apology, rather than just a quick "oh, sorry". I really had the impression that she was very unhappy with herself for not having responded to my message.

[Anne1221]

Probably so. The fact that she shared something so personal with you is an indication that she cares because it's hard to reveal that about yourself. Jessed had some good advice. I am feeling very anxious today so I'm just negative.

[cloudy black]

well you will need to have patience. as she has anxiety and if these levels are fluctuating then she will seem like "She never responded to the message, which I found a bit confusing because she doesn't really seem cold-hearted. While she never responded to the message, she continued like-ing some of my facebook posts, which indicated to me that she doesn't dislike me. I didn't message or contact her further, because while I didn't understand why she didn't respond to my message, I thought that at the very least it meant that she isn't particularly attracted to me.". because she is doing her best to do her best, and that can be a very narrow range to the outsider. her self esteem is probably not not brill on top of that.

her behaviour will be hard to interpret as she will be dealing with anxiety and that takes a lot of energy. me i get tired unfocussed and need to be on my own. she will be sensitive possibly just to throw that in the mix and can you see that is a lot to juggle but also she maybe a very caring person. and maybe this is what you can see in her.. but you will need to be supportive to nurture the relationship.

for me anxiety is containing it so that i can function like a "normal person", for the most part people like me because i am a caring person but they dont see or choose not to see the anxiety that i am constantly managing, bit of a vicious cycle really.