bluebird224
01-04-2016, 05:47 PM
I'm not sure what to do anymore. I am very frustrated with my life and unhappy all the time. I've contemplated suicide multiple times over the past few months but am too much of a chicken to actually go through with it. I don't think it is because I actually fear death or even necessarily want to live. I think that it's because I fear that dying would feel or be painful.
I didn't used to be an unhappy person. A variety of factors over the past ten years have turned me into a miserable adult. When I was 23 and just graduated from college, I was happy and optimistic about the future. I had a healthy family around me and a strong friend network. I've lost everything over the past 8 years.
The first thing that ruined my life was the decision to go to graduate school. For me, graduate school, on a whole, has been a miserable experience. I've spent about ten years working toward my doctoral degree and have very little to show for it. If I make it to graduation, I'll come out with no real friends, almost no money (having worked as much, if not more than the average person per week full-time for almost 10 years), no real job prospect (since nothing came of any of the job applications that I applied for and the field is very difficult to get into), and having been subjected to years of verbal and emotional abuse from a variety of sources (that no doubt changed me in a negative way). But, what do you do when you are less than one year away from finishing, give up and walk away from all the work that you've done? Go home? To what home?
For me, going home means moving into another dysfunctional and poisonous environment with more abuse. It means entering a household with parents whose marriage is on the rocks. A father who is verbally abusive, prejudice, and controlling -- a mother who is a substance abuser and addict. Moving home means having to sit back while you watch your mother drug and drink herself to death -- and not be able to say anything about it. Because if you say one word, she attacks you, threatens to throw you out on the street and cut you off when you're dirt poor. No one in your family has the balls to say or do anything to stop her as she abuses prescription medication and liquor, drinks and drives, and lies about it. No one does anything as she verbally abuses you when she is drinking -- then, acts like nothing happened and hugs you the next day.
What does a person do when they are in huge debt from student loans, nearing graduation, but can't find a reasonable job, has almost no money to their name, and no one in their corner to help them? To me, all the doors seem shut. The people around me could care less if I was successful. I'm one or two fights away from being kicked out of my house. Since my mother was adopted and all her relatives that adopted her don't have anything to do with us or are addicts themselves, I have no family on her side to go too. My mothers biological family wants nothing to do with us. My father's family never liked us and could care less about my life. What does one do? I keep trying to hang on and move forward, but my life has only gotten worse over time and not better.
How does one keep going? I don't see a future for myself. I see myself single, poor, in tremendous debt from student loans, forced to tolerate the abusive situation at home, so that I'm not living in a shelter or worse on the street. I see my father dying in the next ten years, my mother getting in a car accident or drinking herself to death. I see myself alone and left with nothing, no one. I see myself continuing to spend my life alone with no friends, no happiness, no relationship. I've been single for 11 years. Nobody ever wants to date me. I'm not overweight, there's nothing physically wrong with me that would make me less attractive than the average person. But, I'm not fun. I'm miserable all the time, and people don't care. They don't want to be around someone who is always sad. I tried to get admitted to counseling at my school, but I can't even get admitted. Every time that I go because the counseling services are so overwhelmed and the undergraduates are more important, they tell me they don't think that I have a psychological problem and won't assign me to see a therapist on a regular basis. My insurance is terrible and barely covers anything. What does one do?
I feel like there's no one to go to and no where to go for help. When I've tried asking for help in the past, people have told me to shut up and suck it up because everyone has problems... so just shut up and deal. I've been told not to talk about my problems anymore because people don't want to hear it.
I didn't used to be an unhappy person. A variety of factors over the past ten years have turned me into a miserable adult. When I was 23 and just graduated from college, I was happy and optimistic about the future. I had a healthy family around me and a strong friend network. I've lost everything over the past 8 years.
The first thing that ruined my life was the decision to go to graduate school. For me, graduate school, on a whole, has been a miserable experience. I've spent about ten years working toward my doctoral degree and have very little to show for it. If I make it to graduation, I'll come out with no real friends, almost no money (having worked as much, if not more than the average person per week full-time for almost 10 years), no real job prospect (since nothing came of any of the job applications that I applied for and the field is very difficult to get into), and having been subjected to years of verbal and emotional abuse from a variety of sources (that no doubt changed me in a negative way). But, what do you do when you are less than one year away from finishing, give up and walk away from all the work that you've done? Go home? To what home?
For me, going home means moving into another dysfunctional and poisonous environment with more abuse. It means entering a household with parents whose marriage is on the rocks. A father who is verbally abusive, prejudice, and controlling -- a mother who is a substance abuser and addict. Moving home means having to sit back while you watch your mother drug and drink herself to death -- and not be able to say anything about it. Because if you say one word, she attacks you, threatens to throw you out on the street and cut you off when you're dirt poor. No one in your family has the balls to say or do anything to stop her as she abuses prescription medication and liquor, drinks and drives, and lies about it. No one does anything as she verbally abuses you when she is drinking -- then, acts like nothing happened and hugs you the next day.
What does a person do when they are in huge debt from student loans, nearing graduation, but can't find a reasonable job, has almost no money to their name, and no one in their corner to help them? To me, all the doors seem shut. The people around me could care less if I was successful. I'm one or two fights away from being kicked out of my house. Since my mother was adopted and all her relatives that adopted her don't have anything to do with us or are addicts themselves, I have no family on her side to go too. My mothers biological family wants nothing to do with us. My father's family never liked us and could care less about my life. What does one do? I keep trying to hang on and move forward, but my life has only gotten worse over time and not better.
How does one keep going? I don't see a future for myself. I see myself single, poor, in tremendous debt from student loans, forced to tolerate the abusive situation at home, so that I'm not living in a shelter or worse on the street. I see my father dying in the next ten years, my mother getting in a car accident or drinking herself to death. I see myself alone and left with nothing, no one. I see myself continuing to spend my life alone with no friends, no happiness, no relationship. I've been single for 11 years. Nobody ever wants to date me. I'm not overweight, there's nothing physically wrong with me that would make me less attractive than the average person. But, I'm not fun. I'm miserable all the time, and people don't care. They don't want to be around someone who is always sad. I tried to get admitted to counseling at my school, but I can't even get admitted. Every time that I go because the counseling services are so overwhelmed and the undergraduates are more important, they tell me they don't think that I have a psychological problem and won't assign me to see a therapist on a regular basis. My insurance is terrible and barely covers anything. What does one do?
I feel like there's no one to go to and no where to go for help. When I've tried asking for help in the past, people have told me to shut up and suck it up because everyone has problems... so just shut up and deal. I've been told not to talk about my problems anymore because people don't want to hear it.