PDA

View Full Version : Hoping for Advice...



bluebird224
01-04-2016, 06:47 PM
I'm not sure what to do anymore. I am very frustrated with my life and unhappy all the time. I've contemplated suicide multiple times over the past few months but am too much of a chicken to actually go through with it. I don't think it is because I actually fear death or even necessarily want to live. I think that it's because I fear that dying would feel or be painful.

I didn't used to be an unhappy person. A variety of factors over the past ten years have turned me into a miserable adult. When I was 23 and just graduated from college, I was happy and optimistic about the future. I had a healthy family around me and a strong friend network. I've lost everything over the past 8 years.

The first thing that ruined my life was the decision to go to graduate school. For me, graduate school, on a whole, has been a miserable experience. I've spent about ten years working toward my doctoral degree and have very little to show for it. If I make it to graduation, I'll come out with no real friends, almost no money (having worked as much, if not more than the average person per week full-time for almost 10 years), no real job prospect (since nothing came of any of the job applications that I applied for and the field is very difficult to get into), and having been subjected to years of verbal and emotional abuse from a variety of sources (that no doubt changed me in a negative way). But, what do you do when you are less than one year away from finishing, give up and walk away from all the work that you've done? Go home? To what home?

For me, going home means moving into another dysfunctional and poisonous environment with more abuse. It means entering a household with parents whose marriage is on the rocks. A father who is verbally abusive, prejudice, and controlling -- a mother who is a substance abuser and addict. Moving home means having to sit back while you watch your mother drug and drink herself to death -- and not be able to say anything about it. Because if you say one word, she attacks you, threatens to throw you out on the street and cut you off when you're dirt poor. No one in your family has the balls to say or do anything to stop her as she abuses prescription medication and liquor, drinks and drives, and lies about it. No one does anything as she verbally abuses you when she is drinking -- then, acts like nothing happened and hugs you the next day.

What does a person do when they are in huge debt from student loans, nearing graduation, but can't find a reasonable job, has almost no money to their name, and no one in their corner to help them? To me, all the doors seem shut. The people around me could care less if I was successful. I'm one or two fights away from being kicked out of my house. Since my mother was adopted and all her relatives that adopted her don't have anything to do with us or are addicts themselves, I have no family on her side to go too. My mothers biological family wants nothing to do with us. My father's family never liked us and could care less about my life. What does one do? I keep trying to hang on and move forward, but my life has only gotten worse over time and not better.

How does one keep going? I don't see a future for myself. I see myself single, poor, in tremendous debt from student loans, forced to tolerate the abusive situation at home, so that I'm not living in a shelter or worse on the street. I see my father dying in the next ten years, my mother getting in a car accident or drinking herself to death. I see myself alone and left with nothing, no one. I see myself continuing to spend my life alone with no friends, no happiness, no relationship. I've been single for 11 years. Nobody ever wants to date me. I'm not overweight, there's nothing physically wrong with me that would make me less attractive than the average person. But, I'm not fun. I'm miserable all the time, and people don't care. They don't want to be around someone who is always sad. I tried to get admitted to counseling at my school, but I can't even get admitted. Every time that I go because the counseling services are so overwhelmed and the undergraduates are more important, they tell me they don't think that I have a psychological problem and won't assign me to see a therapist on a regular basis. My insurance is terrible and barely covers anything. What does one do?

I feel like there's no one to go to and no where to go for help. When I've tried asking for help in the past, people have told me to shut up and suck it up because everyone has problems... so just shut up and deal. I've been told not to talk about my problems anymore because people don't want to hear it.

Nowuccas
01-04-2016, 08:50 PM
Hey bluebird224,

Could you use the credits that you have accumulated towards qualifying in another field, which leads to a more realistic possibility of employment? Join the civil service or the military for a while, but keep applying for positions in the field you are qualified in.

Check out http://www.wikihow.com/Special:GoogSearch?cx=008953293426798287586%3Amr-gwotjmbs&cof=FORID%3A10&ie=UTF-8&q=verbal+abuse&siteurl= such as: "How to Verbally Confront Someone Using Verbal Abuse: 5 Steps", and "How to Respond to Verbal Abuse: 6 Steps (with Pictures)", and "How to Deal With Emotional Abuse from Your Parents", and "How to Deal With an Abusive Teacher", etc.

Check out http://verbalabuse.com/

Books: Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life by Patricia Evans, and: Verbal and Emotional Abuse [June Hunt Hope for the Heart Series] by June Hunt, from your local bookstore, Amazon.com or BarnesAndNoble.com

Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and ...
https://www.google.com.au/search?client=opera&q=amazon%3B+toxic+parents&sourceid=opera&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8
Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life Paperback – 1 May 2002. ... When these children reach adulthood the damage done by their toxic parents manifests itself in depression, or difficulties with relationships, careers and decision-making.

Hypnosis is merely a heightened state of suggestibility, in which you are better able to communicate with your subconscious mind; view http://myfavoriteinterests.com/hypnosis/ about what it is, and isn't. 85% of people are suggestible to some degree; 15% - 20% highly so, and 15% - 20% aren't much at all, so you could either preferably seek professional hypnotherapy, or, if not an option, hypnosisdownloads.com has ones on caring less about the opinions of others, verbal self defence, escape emotional abuse, and the negative critic. Professional advice is to use preferably only 1, or a maximum of 2 at any one time.

Once you have established a life for yourself, outside of the parental home, I suggest having very limited contact with them, and that it always be in a public place, such as a restaurant.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A previous post on emotional abuse follows, modified for you:

One suggestion is to write a letter, expressing how it has affected your life, and what you would like to see happen about it now, then either post it, unaddressed, or have a ceremony, and burn it safely, in a metal container, and flush the ashes down the toilet, symbolically ending the matter. I suggest that you seek psychotherapy, and have a course of EMDR therapy, (* http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/q.html ) would probably reduce the negative emotions associated with your memories of emotional abuse to more acceptable levels - the EMDR to reduce the negative, combined with the other techniques shown may be all you need, enabling you to avoid psychotherapy (open ended; can take years, cost a small fortune, and achieve little, depending on the therapist, and client). Try the relaxation methods at http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody/a/Meditation.htm
or www.wikihow.com/Meditate and/or Tai Chi, Qi Gong, or yoga. Also page L at this site*, where there are several to choose from.

Some people are still dismissive of them, but scientific testing has demonstrated conclusively that they increase activity in the left prefrontal cortex, when practised regularly, and will enable you to find a way of being; awareness, without suffering, when you need it, and is a valuable tool for helping you through the worst parts of life. Give the acupressure EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via the searchbar at ** http//eft.mercola.com , or www.tapping.com (13 free videos) or YouTube EFT. Professionally instructed EFT is always preferable. - There is a version for use in public places**, (you could claim to have a headache, as you employ the acupressure massage/tapping your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I suffer the aftereffects of emotional abuse, I deeply and completely accept myself." At the end of therapy, discuss the importance of (sincere) forgiveness; to not do so is to hold onto the hurt, but you may not be ready for this step for some time.

Read: Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Ann McMurray and Gregory Jantz, Ph.D., & Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, & The Twelve Steps of Forgiveness by Paul Ferrini and Pia Mackenzie, & Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get on With Your Life by Sidney B. Simon and Suzanne Simon, & "Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve” by Lewis B. Smedes. Get through your fear of forgiveness, from your bookstore, or amazon.com.

bluebird224
01-04-2016, 09:01 PM
Hi Nowuccas,

This is very thoughtful of you, and I appreciate your suggestions. I'm definitely going to read through your post carefully, and I look forward to checking out some of these links. I think that if I could get a job after graduation that would allow me to become financially independent despite my loans, it would help a lot. If I could just establish a decent support network of friends and people around me who I could depend on, I think that would also help. I feel so unloved and lonely most of the time.

Nowuccas
01-04-2016, 09:23 PM
You may wish to consider volunteering at some stage. It would put you in contact with positive people, and help with loneliness. Many long term friendships are formed that way. You can also get personal references. Google: "volunteer; options (your location)". Some examples are Habitat for Humanity, soup kitchen, as a Big Brother, Amnesty International or Meals on Wheels for 2 hrs every 2 weeks, or more (a friend told me she did this and was rewarded with a good meal every time).

There are many thousands of women who seek a man that is employed full time, has a place of his own, with no alcohol, drug, or gambling problems, and who is not abusive. Even if you are not religious, (I'm not, but I'm glad if it helps them through life, and I'm prepared to keep my mouth shut) consider joining a church group for the social opportunities they offer.

Sliding scale based psychological counselling is often available from Catholic counselling, the Methodist church, or Unitarian Universalists, and sometimes the United Way. You don't have to be a member. It can also be a good idea to talk about your problems with a social worker (local is best) via the free clinic, or Emergency Room at a public hospital, and also ask in the above places, as they may have their phone no. The national no. is (202) 408 8600. Try Googling local ones. Social workers can be a mine of useful information.

Ponder
01-07-2016, 02:29 PM
"......Even if you are not religious," hmmmmm - I found that a little too assuming and overly suggestive when used alongside and compared with status and drug use. In fact, it's rather a judgemental statement and inappropriate to use from a perspective in a place like this. If someone was suffering with low self esteem and was handed this advice in such a manner, they would either feel more demeaned or open themselves up to more abuse by following such advice. (imo and many others, is how region works) I thought about remaining silent on this one, but thought better of it ... no matter the good intent this advice is given.

I would warn against seeking psychotherapy through a religious establishment. Bias attitudes and agenda create many more issues. Religious people tend to make the worst abusers. Of course if you are religious yourself, you may find it actually helps, but it's also dangerous for those who are not. Therein lay the problem of handing out advice that is not meant for one self. Not an easy task to do.
____________________________________

There is actually something on the tip of my tongue I wanted to share re ticking all the right boxes with planing out everything so that one can better accept what is yet to come ... more importantly accepting oneself.

It's pretty clear, or I should say you seem pretty clear on what not to do or where to go. You've given an excellent breakdown as to why your feeling the way you do and ask a good question about "how does one keep going?" For all the therapy that abounds ... little of it deals with ROOT ... most focuses on the method and leave many reliant on anything but themselves.

Keep writing in the manner you opened this here thread and ask keep posing likewise questions ... ask them more off yourself and more importantly, answer them yourself. Now is what counts. Having the money, and a place to live with the right people who will not judge or say the wrong things and getting the right job the to provide the right the means, if your able to obtain the right credentials and yadda yadda ... all those things are easily pitched and often whilst appear as a good focus point to establish a point from which to do, think or feel ... they also make for creating unhelpful distractions that only serve to see us hiding from ourself.

You can get therapy to help you work towards obtaining all those things, yet it may do little to resolve the way you now feel. n fact if you do not face the root now, you may well end up with all those things, yet still feel as you do now. So it is that I would suggest that you consider what it is that you really want, other than all those things? Is there a way to deal with now, without having to think so far ahead?

Is there a way to forgive, to accept, to no longer blame, to no longer shame -

Be careful which therapy you choose. Many have the ability to ingrain negative perceptions if one is not able to define for themselves.

Srry I am not able to be more clear ... I am into more helping myself as in self help and rather sceptical of clinical therapy when it's delivered and preached a certain way. I do these very things myself and it can get rather compulsive to say the least.

I'm just saying it this way to keep things balanced as much for myself.

I leave you to it ... like others in here ... you seem to have a good grip. I think more of us that attempt to give advice are in greater need for the help. :)

Wishing you all the best.
Dave.

RoderickLariviere
02-15-2016, 08:02 AM
You need to work on your self-esteem and improve your skills, grab the first opportunity you get.