Wilymitch
12-15-2015, 05:24 AM
Hello everyone,
My name is Will, I'm 25yrs old. I'm fit, healthy, have a great job and a wonderful life (until recently).
So please bear with me, this is a short story of my anxiety journey so far. I would really appreciate any comments, experiences, or support. My story is made all the more depressing for me because I am to blame for the anxiety which I now suffer through one stupid act which I will never repeat, but I'll get to that.
It started four months ago in August. I was at a party with some friends and long story short, I took cocaine. This is something I did very ad hoc and was the 4th or 5th time I had done it. This time though was very different - I started to feel weird, cold and a little like was floating. Suddenly, a HUGE rush of something which I know know to be adrenaline cascaded from my head to my toes nearly knocking me to the floor. Heart pounding, hands shaking, head rushing, rushing, rushing. Needless to say, I ended up taking myself to hospital thinking I was about to die. I was discharged 7hrs later, tests were normal and no damage to the heart.
It took me a week or so to get back to normal. After three weeks, I felt fine. I was out with friends again, enjoying myself safe in the knowledge that this was behind me and I was never doing any drug again. It was going to be all ok from here on out, right? Wrong. I had another huge wave of adrenaline when I was on holiday in Scotland. We were driving to the highlands and I was hungover in the passenger seat. Agian it hit me like a train and I started shaking and twitching, heart pounding - made all the worse by the fact I had to try and hide this from my three mates also in the car ( I haven't told them, or anyone really). This ruined my holiday and I was on edge, shaking and shivering for 3 days.
I went the doctor again and was on the phone to 111 practically all the time for reassurance (they are amazing btw) and I started to understand better what was happening and how to stop it. Recognition has helped me to stop those waves from happening again. It was then that my anxiety morphed into something else.
It started with the fear I was loosing my memory. Whenever I forgot a name in conversation or forgot anything really (which is quite normal in daily life) I would start to think: "why can't I remember that, what's wrong with my mind, have i lost my memory, do I have dementia!" My vision would start to close in, but would always stop as it reached it's zenith and dissipate.
When, after a few weeks I realised I wasn't going to loose my memory, it morphed again into the fear I was going to be sick. In trains, meetings, anywhere I would suddenly and unexplainabley get the strong feeling I was about to vomit all over the carriage or person next to me. Again, this would be accompanied by a slow and sharp rising sensation from my stomach and my head until... it reached climax, I wasn't sick and the feeling dispersed, usually with me swearing at it under my breath.
Next, passing out. This I have realised from this forum is fairly common and consisted of similar feelings to what I have described above with memory and vomiting. I can usually get these feelings under control, particularly when the end result (fainting, vomiting, loosing my mind) doesn't actually happen. However, having just started a new job, it's morphed again - after being quiet for a few weeks.
This time, it's much more physical. Tension headaches are the nearest I can research to the feeling. Slow, quiet headaches in the back of my skull and neck which feel like I've got cold blood or someone is blowing air on the back of my head. I had this once before at the meal I mentioned earlier, when it got bad i was shaking like a leaf, could barely turn my head. This feels like a mild onset of that - but it's worst at night. It takes me ages to get to sleep and I often jerk myself awake as a result of this tension creeping into my head and neck. No matter how hard I try, I can't 'think' this away like I could the others and it seems to last for days (it's been almost 6 so far and still won't reseed). Today at work, as I write this, it's at it's worst and I feel like I'm going to start getting the shakes at any moment and have to scuttle off home feigning illness.
I guess I wanted to share my story with you so far. But I also wanted to ask a serious question.
If I'm honest with myself, my symptoms are a lot better now that they were 3 months ago. I no longer get thrown into crippling anxiety, but rather have the occasional or slow, steady instances which feel more like a prelude to the main event...which thankfuly, so far, hasn't returned.
With that in mind, is this a sign that I am recovering? Am I getting better and will this eventually be a distant memory? Or have I genuinely ruined my life by what I did and assigned myself to a miserable existence? I had a great life without care - and now this is ruining me completely, it's soul destroying and it's hard to see a permanent end in sight.
Again, sorry for the long post, but I would greatly appreciate any opinions, experiences and advice from those who suffer, have suffered and indeed those I know suffer more than I do now. My heart truly go's out to you.
Thank you.
W
My name is Will, I'm 25yrs old. I'm fit, healthy, have a great job and a wonderful life (until recently).
So please bear with me, this is a short story of my anxiety journey so far. I would really appreciate any comments, experiences, or support. My story is made all the more depressing for me because I am to blame for the anxiety which I now suffer through one stupid act which I will never repeat, but I'll get to that.
It started four months ago in August. I was at a party with some friends and long story short, I took cocaine. This is something I did very ad hoc and was the 4th or 5th time I had done it. This time though was very different - I started to feel weird, cold and a little like was floating. Suddenly, a HUGE rush of something which I know know to be adrenaline cascaded from my head to my toes nearly knocking me to the floor. Heart pounding, hands shaking, head rushing, rushing, rushing. Needless to say, I ended up taking myself to hospital thinking I was about to die. I was discharged 7hrs later, tests were normal and no damage to the heart.
It took me a week or so to get back to normal. After three weeks, I felt fine. I was out with friends again, enjoying myself safe in the knowledge that this was behind me and I was never doing any drug again. It was going to be all ok from here on out, right? Wrong. I had another huge wave of adrenaline when I was on holiday in Scotland. We were driving to the highlands and I was hungover in the passenger seat. Agian it hit me like a train and I started shaking and twitching, heart pounding - made all the worse by the fact I had to try and hide this from my three mates also in the car ( I haven't told them, or anyone really). This ruined my holiday and I was on edge, shaking and shivering for 3 days.
I went the doctor again and was on the phone to 111 practically all the time for reassurance (they are amazing btw) and I started to understand better what was happening and how to stop it. Recognition has helped me to stop those waves from happening again. It was then that my anxiety morphed into something else.
It started with the fear I was loosing my memory. Whenever I forgot a name in conversation or forgot anything really (which is quite normal in daily life) I would start to think: "why can't I remember that, what's wrong with my mind, have i lost my memory, do I have dementia!" My vision would start to close in, but would always stop as it reached it's zenith and dissipate.
When, after a few weeks I realised I wasn't going to loose my memory, it morphed again into the fear I was going to be sick. In trains, meetings, anywhere I would suddenly and unexplainabley get the strong feeling I was about to vomit all over the carriage or person next to me. Again, this would be accompanied by a slow and sharp rising sensation from my stomach and my head until... it reached climax, I wasn't sick and the feeling dispersed, usually with me swearing at it under my breath.
Next, passing out. This I have realised from this forum is fairly common and consisted of similar feelings to what I have described above with memory and vomiting. I can usually get these feelings under control, particularly when the end result (fainting, vomiting, loosing my mind) doesn't actually happen. However, having just started a new job, it's morphed again - after being quiet for a few weeks.
This time, it's much more physical. Tension headaches are the nearest I can research to the feeling. Slow, quiet headaches in the back of my skull and neck which feel like I've got cold blood or someone is blowing air on the back of my head. I had this once before at the meal I mentioned earlier, when it got bad i was shaking like a leaf, could barely turn my head. This feels like a mild onset of that - but it's worst at night. It takes me ages to get to sleep and I often jerk myself awake as a result of this tension creeping into my head and neck. No matter how hard I try, I can't 'think' this away like I could the others and it seems to last for days (it's been almost 6 so far and still won't reseed). Today at work, as I write this, it's at it's worst and I feel like I'm going to start getting the shakes at any moment and have to scuttle off home feigning illness.
I guess I wanted to share my story with you so far. But I also wanted to ask a serious question.
If I'm honest with myself, my symptoms are a lot better now that they were 3 months ago. I no longer get thrown into crippling anxiety, but rather have the occasional or slow, steady instances which feel more like a prelude to the main event...which thankfuly, so far, hasn't returned.
With that in mind, is this a sign that I am recovering? Am I getting better and will this eventually be a distant memory? Or have I genuinely ruined my life by what I did and assigned myself to a miserable existence? I had a great life without care - and now this is ruining me completely, it's soul destroying and it's hard to see a permanent end in sight.
Again, sorry for the long post, but I would greatly appreciate any opinions, experiences and advice from those who suffer, have suffered and indeed those I know suffer more than I do now. My heart truly go's out to you.
Thank you.
W