Hello

[sonicfusion]

I'm Marc, from good ole England, im 21 and ive had anxiety problems since i think my first girl friend in school.
I used to always be up and about doing anything, i never had fear.

Now i think the whole thing started when i was about 13/14, was the time the harry pottor book set came out, which saved my life! Anyway i went out with this girl, and things were good until she cheated on me, but i forgave thinking what the hell, anyway she did it a second time and after that i broke up and i couldnt eat or sleep, having to goto school to see her smuf face was a nightmare, but thank fully those harry pottor books got me eatting!

Anyway after that i didnt notice much besides the normal anxiety stuff, but now that im older and have just broke up from a 5 year relationship where i was pretty much a back seat driver, where she did most things i feel that i cant do anything any more, like ive got no confidence.

Now i cant answer phones or ring people as i get very anxious and start feeling very sick until im either sick or i postpone calling, i cant goto bars so now im worried ill never meet any one as i dont really do much except goto work.

Oddly enough after a month of not being with her the only worry i have is meeting her when shes with her new boy friend, which i know i wont be able to cope with, yet now im moving on and have met a nice women 9 years my senior who likes me for who i am and just got out of a tough marriage. Now its all very well in talking to her it gets my mind off things, but lately shes thinking of us meeting, which true in body i wouldnt mind doing, but i know mentally if she said "im coming to pick you up tomorrow" i know id go into overload and my body will just get sick again. Now i could break it off but then ill start to think well i might not meet anyone, or ill think about the stuff shes doing with other people instead of me which is daft since we have not met and only known each other for 2 months.

So im at a loss on what i should do, i want to get on with my life and not be the person that sits at the back going "i wonder what will happen"

I am proud of myself on 2 counts though which was after the split i decided id get fit, i let myself go during the relationship so i went to the gym without anyone pushing me and now go twice a week. Then last saterday i got myself a tattoo, which ive always wanted but never had the guts to get.

[kaialian]

Hi there!

Welcome for the forum! Good for you in starting to exercise again!! And getting a tattoo is no easy thing!

It seems to me that most of your anxiety stems from your thoughts about being alone? Please do correct me if I'm wrong!

[sonicfusion]

I'm not really sure, at the moment i feel that i need to be with someone as really when i matured i think at 16, when i met my ex, ive not really had any ME time, to get to know oneself and such, i kind of latch on to people which i know is extremely annoying.

I guess i fear being alone in the world, regardless of the "there is someone for everyone" argument, the fact that i cant go to someone in a place if i think she likes me and say "So hey fancy a drink?" I would have to think about it, then id Knit pick the problem thinking of all possble outcomes, such as will she like me, what do i say, what happens if she rejects me, that sort of thing

[sonicfusion]

Uh oh.
The woman now wants to meet me, which i assume will lead to other things, now my body is saying "way get in there my son!!" the mind is sayin "crap what if this happens, or this"

I dunno what to do, true i could meet her, and if we hooked up but i mean shes 200 miles from me and i dont wish to move out of my home with my parents i like it here. And long term relationships never work, specially if we got together and i stayed with her for a few days with her kids, i dont particually want to get attached to the kids if that happens and then suddenly find she dumps me.

dunno what to do!

[Carla]

Hi, I read your message and decided to reply. I think if you are only meeting this woman for 1 thing, then is it worth all the anxiety and stressing over it? You said she lives miles away, you like living at home and all the rest, so realistically this is not going to go anywhere is it? If you are just out for a casual fling with someone then why not find someone nearer your home? If you truly like this woman and respect her and think you want to take a chance on having a proper r'ship with her then what you are going to go thro in the way of anxiety and stress will be worth it, and if she is a nice caring person then she will hopefully be understanding and supportive as regards your anxiety.Hope you are feeling less anxious today.
Carla

[sonicfusion]

Thanks for your reply Carla
Seems the past few days ive been rather upset, dunno why but i keep thinking about the ex g/f and that shes out having fun with her new fella and im stuck in self pity and defeat at home, which asw well as annoying me, i dont really do much anyway in my life, she was the social one.

I dont think anything will happen with this woman but im not sure, anything is possable. Just booked an appointment with a dietetion, and ive got a mental appointment on thursday which i dunno what im gonna say "Hi doc i get sick if anything changes in my life, my mental state is in a constant state of flux"

I think deep down i really need to be with someone, having them there and so forth but i know most people after a breakup need time alone, its just i miss the hugs, the kisses and all that came with it, true ive gone over my head what i dont miss but it doesnt quite seem to compare :(

Edit:
Also i can sleep fine, but then i wake up at 7/8am and i feel really sick and just cant get back to sleep, which now is starting to affect my work as i cant lift things or im moody serving customers.
Ive even lost touch with playing world of warcraft, before the breakup i could play it for ages, but now ive just lost interest.

[Carla]

Hi again
I am sorry about the break up with your ex girlfriend. You are bound to be feeling down about that, and it is common to feel like you do as regards the break up, imagining that your ex is having a great time with her new boyfriend whilst you are at home feeling down. The reality is she is prob not having it all, but cos you are feeling the way that you do then it will seem like she is. I tend to think sometimes that everyone in the world apart from me is having a great time without any problems. I look at other people and think why cant I be like them, they prob have no probs with anxiety or any other issues and are just breezing thro life. However then a sensible realistic (what is left!) part of me thinks well maybe things are not so great for them - everyone has their own demons - but cos I feel like I do I see me as having a bad deal whilst everyone else is having a great time.
I personally dont think rushing into seeing someone else is such a good idea. I think it is better to put some space between the last and the next relationship. However I have gone from rship to rship in the past just to get over the last and it didnt do me any favours. I was emotionally drained at times. Looking back I now know I should have given myself some time and space between rships. If you are still going to meet this other woman then I would let her know you just want to take things slowly and you are not looking for anything serious. I say this because then you are only being fair and honest to her from the outset. Maybe it could develop into something more serious in the future - who knows?
As regards the feeling sick in the mornings - that is what anxiety does. Take it from me who has been sick since April. Mornings are the worst time for it. I wake up and feel dreadful and then usually have to be sick/feel sick. It is a classic symptom of anxiety. My gp has given me anti sickness tablets but cos I have a fear of taking tablets then I dont take but I know I am being stupid cos they would help. I had to give up my job due to how poorly I was and still am to an extent. I wish now I had not given it up because being at home with nothing else to concentrate on other than yourself and how you feel can make you feel 100 x worse.
You may be off your warcraft thing at the moment but that is due to how down you are feeling. You could be depressed. I was depressed for a small amount of time - I suffer with anxiety more. I lost all interest in most things that I previously really enjoyed. Tell the gp this as it is important. Depression can be more serious in my opinion than anxiety.
You say you miss the hugs and the kisses? You will get them again. Right now you may not be getting them but that isnt going to last forever. Do you have friends and family who you can turn to for love and support?
You mentioned that you get sick when anything in your life changes. I think that is part of anxiety. I get really anxious/sick about life changes of any kind. I am moving house and already I feel sick about the move. I know for a fact that I will be actually be sick once I have moved in for the first few days. However that said reading back that statement - I am almost telling myself I am going to be sick - I am going to tell myself that I am not going to be sick and that I am going to enjoy the move but if I am sick then I am going to accept it and just carry on. Change makes me really anxious. It happens to a lot of people too. I dont go out a lot at the present time due to how poorly I have been but I know I am not going to be like this forever. It is down to me to make the changes and I am taking small steps at a time. When you visit your gp tell him/her everything. If they are a good gp then they will understand and if you dont feel happy with how they are towards you then change your gp. I have done this before. Do you get to go out much? Try and keep as occupied in any small way as possible. I try not to ask too much of myself anymore or say to myself I should be doing this or that or achieving this or that. I used to do that loads and it wasnt good for me. Just go with the simple things for now until you feel ready to take on more. Try keeping your mind occupied and off how you are feeling for a while. Give yourself an allowed set amount of time to feel self pity a day and then switch off again. Sorry if I am rambling on! I just want to try and offer some advice and be of some help to you based on what I have gone and going through.

[sonicfusion]

Your not babbling :) thank you for taking the time to talk to me.
It has been over a month now and i still feel crap, people say denile has kicked in that she was going to get bored of him and come back to me, if she asked now id prob say yes, even though i should say no and say its her loss and what not. I just cant stop thinking about the past we had, and its really getting me down today.

I feel the same about how i feel so down and everyone is so happy but little do i know that one might have lost someone close, another has a gambling problem and stuff like that, but being selfish its like my problem is the most important so to speak which i hate to say.

I dont know if anything will happen with this woman, besides distance she has quite a nasty ex fiance and 2 kids, i still feel like a kid myself and i dont want to meet her and find that i want more and then she does to and to find that i in essence become the "step daddy"

Ive got friends but only 2 of them i can say are my own the rest are shared friends who are doing their best to keep both of us happy as i cant be in the same room as her without feeling sick, even thinking about it now nearly brings me to tears and feeling ill.

Moving house is a time of great stress and excitement, you just gotta take each day as it comes, ive started taking kalms and they seem to help a little, maybe you should look into those as they are a natural remedy and dont get addictive.

I saw my gp the other week and ive been forwarded to a dietetion and a mental evaluater person which is on thursday, which is also making me anxious as i dont really open to people unless i trust them and they will wanna know it all.

I dunno if i want a relationship im just so confused and upset at the moment, i thought i was doing so well going to the gym by myself without anyone pushing me like my ex or getting a tattoo, but ive got a dead end job, and all my life revolves around is working, going to the gym or staying in, i cant go clubbing or going out like that as i get anxious so cant drink and i get bored, and my other friends are busy doing their own things so cant go with them :(

[Carla]

I am really sorry that you are having a bad day. You will get through it however. You just sound very down at the moment and when you feel like that every day seems bad. It will get better. You prob cant see that it will right now but it will.
When you are going through what is a very recent break up for you and you still have feelings for the other person it is terrible.There is not a lot worse than that pain. I have been there and it was pure agony at times. One of the things that really help you to get over a break up is the passing of time. I can now look back and think that what I went through, in the way of suffering over the break up, is that the guy was never ever worth it. He had been unfaithful to me and the way he went about it was terrible and yet if he had asked me to take him back, then I prob would have gone back to him! Its not mad to think like that, yet now months on, I think thankfully I never was in that situation, cos if I had have took him back, he would prob cheated on me again in the future. He did me a favour looking back cos we never got back together and I did move on eventually to happier times. I can only say that now because it was some time ago and I can now look back on it all. At the time itself it was truly awful. I couldnt sleep, couldnt eat, I cried constantly, I felt terrible. Sometimes I couldnt move for the pain in my stomach that it seemed to cause. It really hit me hard. When people say Move on and forget about the other person, that doesnt help at all. Ignore those kind of comments. They are not helpful. You have to allow yourself to go through what is very similar to the grieving process. The only advice I can give you is keep yourself as occupied as possible, cry when you feel like crying, so as to let all your emotions out, be amongst people when you want to and also give yourself time on your own too to relax. I drank too much wine during what I went through, but I dont advise that! lol I cant drink now due to the effect it has on my anxiety. Eventually things will get better for you, but for now you probably can't see that. You wont feel like this forever. People have relationships go wrong and end every day but they are not still usually upset about them years later. Time does heal. Its a cliche but it is true. I thought I wld never ever get over my ex and I did - it just happened - and I look back now and think What did I ever see in him! You told me as regards moving house to take one day at a time and I thank you for that advice but that is also what you should be doing too with how you are feeling.
I wouldnt be in the same room as your ex. If you know she is likely to be somewhere then I would avoid being there too. It will only hurt you more when you see her. You need to distance yourself in every way from her. When you start to think about her, tell yourself literally to stop and them do something to distract yourself. You may have to do that many times but it will help.
Your two close friends - can you confide in them? Do they know how you are feeling? I can relate to what you are saying that clubbing is perhaps not the best enviroment for you to be in at a time like this and especially when everyone is drunk and you are sober. There is nothing worse than being around drunk people when you are not drunk yourself. It can make you feel isolated. For now I would just take time and look after yourself and do what you feel makes you feel the most relaxed. Dont give yourself a hard time over what you think you should be doing. Try and open us as much as possible when you go to see the counsellor - is it a counsellor? By being as open as you can be is the only way the counsellor will be able to help you. It may take a few sessions but it will help in the long run. Tell him/her that you dont feel so comfortable in opening up to them. They will understand as they will have heard that many times before. I wont ask why you need to see a dietician but I hope that goes well for you too.

[Carla]

...just to add, you say you still feel like you are a child yourself - You are young and I wish I was your age! I dont mean that in a patronising way either. You have your life in front of you. You have so much opportunity in life at your age. I know now you feel really down but when you are back being happier you will see that things can be good. As for the lady with the nasty ex fiance...I cant tell you what to do but I would tread carefully. You dont need any more added pressure in your life and if he starts causing trouble that is what you are going to get - maybe he wont do but there is a risk there if he is inclined to be nasty. Just be careful please.

[sonicfusion]

Hi Carla, once again ty for taking the time to read and speak to me :)
I feel alot better today, still had the nightmares and couldnt get much sleep which is really annoying now.

One thing thats keeping my mind occupied besides this other woman, is my reading of the books i love to read and im also trying to write a short story and redesigning my room.

Ive just gotta try and find things to do during the time im alone, and talking on here has helped a little, i just want to be normal again.

[Carla]

Hi
Glad you are having a better day even if you are somewhat sleep deprived. I hardly sleep but sometimes I find if I am really exhausted my anxiety is not so bad, almost like I am too tired to be anxious!
Reading is very good for you. I have started to read again. I tend to read all self help books but I should start reading other types. I have just got one of Claire Weekes books as I have been reading so much about how good her books her regarding anxiety and a lot of people swear by her advice like her books are bibles!. Redesigning your room sounds a good plan, as anything artistic is calming I find. I bought a little kitten and she is so gorgeous. She has been such a help. I think pets are. She really takes my mind off me, and is very calming to be around. Reading and doing anything where I am distracted from my thoughts about me helps such a lot, even if it is only for 10 minutes, it is 10 minutes not spent thinking about anxiety!
You will feel 'normal' again. I felt like I was a crazy woman with mad thoughts in my head, back in April, however I am returning back to how I used to be pre April and that is without taking any medication. I have had good days and bad days - if I had a bad day then the next seemed to be better and slowly over the months I am getting more good days. I jsut let myself go with the flow of how I am feeling and remind myself daily of all the advice that I have been given, and what I have read and it really has helped. I used to be so scared of how I felt but I confronted those fears and then they stopped being so scary and then the anxiety lessened. What bothers me now is that I dont ever want to go thro the past 6 months again as I know anxiety can return again, but I suppose if it does I just deal with it as I have been doing. I would rather have anxiety than an illness such as cancer - I look at it that way, because I have known of people who have really suffered and died of horrible diseases and although my anxiety has caused me to be unwell I know that I would choose it every single time over cancer or some other disease. Throw yourself as much as possible into doing things that you enjoy but also give yourself plenty of time to relax too. I know having a lot of rest has helped me. Our minds need to switch off when we have anxiety in order to rest and recuperate just like our bodies do when we have had a physical injury. Sorry I am rambling on again!!! lol