What is wrong with me? Am i really here?

[Helplessand23]

Alright... so i just turned 24... My life is shit. I live at my grandmas.. Im lazy af. ( things i can change myself i know ) But to top it off.. i have Derealization. I had it since i was 16 after getting high and never went away. I take meds for it, but they don't help. It's like living in a Dream like state all the time. Things look and feel and sounds different. I've coped with it for some years now, but every time i start to drag myself out of Depression i think... Why? what's the point? Things don't look the same and life isn't the same as it was before.. What's the point of even trying ect? When i was a kid i always wanted to go to Japan. After the event that happened to me all motivation died. Not just cause i was depressed, but this ailment makes everything you look at so dull and bland. The ' S ' Word isn't an option as i have family i love and would be destroyed, and i am to scared to attempt even when feeling absolutely useless. Anyway's as of late i started to really slip outta perception i been thinking.. Is this even real? am i really here? It's a constant thing in my mind.
And the way i see people is so fucked... For example im watching a survival show on youtube and an englishman is talking. it just made me think of how different and yet the same we are. I don't know its like i think about 1 topic WAYYY to deep. If i play a game... i wonder HOW that is possible. I was playing WoW and kept wondering how a paladin could kill or how anyone claiming to be good can kill? then my mind drifted away to god and other fucked up things. ( as for the am i really here part... i like to think this is all real and just a brain issue causing me to see differently ect.. like a dream or behind a window, but then i also got doubts.... Only difference i notice is.. since my ex left me a few months ago i started ciggs... Drank more alcohol. ( recently quit the drinking though about 2 months ago ) And REALLY amped up my weed smoking. im at 2 grams a day now. I feel so confused.

[cloudy black]

hello Helplessand23 sorry that you are having a tough time. life is tough. (in the book the road less travelled by Scott Peck that is his opening sentence).
for me i started reading(althou not an avid reader) books to do with personal development that was back in the 1990's and also did some personal development courses that were run over 2 weekends. at this time in my life i was near the "S" word i was so depressed and despondent that i REALLY couldnt see the point of it all. plus i had very little in the way of qualifications (due to dyslexia).

regarding the weed you will be confused it is a drug and your brain will get clogged up with misuse. i would be inclined to knock the weed on the head. others will see this differently. but only you can make that decision. as you know when you over drink you get intoxicated so why should it be any different with weed.

yes the world is a tough place for me the way forward is as i have said above. you sound like you think deeply and that my friend is something you need to be your asset and not your enemy. focus on using these thoughts for good. turn them around and say, "do you know what i aint gonna listen to you no more." get active dont sit at home and stew see life as a 'game' you gotta be in it to win it. dont be afraid to make changes.