Helplessand23
12-10-2015, 08:53 PM
Alright... so i just turned 24... My life is shit. I live at my grandmas.. Im lazy af. ( things i can change myself i know ) But to top it off.. i have Derealization. I had it since i was 16 after getting high and never went away. I take meds for it, but they don't help. It's like living in a Dream like state all the time. Things look and feel and sounds different. I've coped with it for some years now, but every time i start to drag myself out of Depression i think... Why? what's the point? Things don't look the same and life isn't the same as it was before.. What's the point of even trying ect? When i was a kid i always wanted to go to Japan. After the event that happened to me all motivation died. Not just cause i was depressed, but this ailment makes everything you look at so dull and bland. The ' S ' Word isn't an option as i have family i love and would be destroyed, and i am to scared to attempt even when feeling absolutely useless. Anyway's as of late i started to really slip outta perception i been thinking.. Is this even real? am i really here? It's a constant thing in my mind.
And the way i see people is so fucked... For example im watching a survival show on youtube and an englishman is talking. it just made me think of how different and yet the same we are. I don't know its like i think about 1 topic WAYYY to deep. If i play a game... i wonder HOW that is possible. I was playing WoW and kept wondering how a paladin could kill or how anyone claiming to be good can kill? then my mind drifted away to god and other fucked up things. ( as for the am i really here part... i like to think this is all real and just a brain issue causing me to see differently ect.. like a dream or behind a window, but then i also got doubts.... Only difference i notice is.. since my ex left me a few months ago i started ciggs... Drank more alcohol. ( recently quit the drinking though about 2 months ago ) And REALLY amped up my weed smoking. im at 2 grams a day now. I feel so confused.
And the way i see people is so fucked... For example im watching a survival show on youtube and an englishman is talking. it just made me think of how different and yet the same we are. I don't know its like i think about 1 topic WAYYY to deep. If i play a game... i wonder HOW that is possible. I was playing WoW and kept wondering how a paladin could kill or how anyone claiming to be good can kill? then my mind drifted away to god and other fucked up things. ( as for the am i really here part... i like to think this is all real and just a brain issue causing me to see differently ect.. like a dream or behind a window, but then i also got doubts.... Only difference i notice is.. since my ex left me a few months ago i started ciggs... Drank more alcohol. ( recently quit the drinking though about 2 months ago ) And REALLY amped up my weed smoking. im at 2 grams a day now. I feel so confused.