anxiety has recently got so much worse

[millsa]

Hi. I don't really know how to talk about this so I guess it's best to explain my situation and start from there. I've suffered with anxiety for years it was diagnosed for what it was about four and a half years ago now and I started to take medication for it, which after a few different types ended up being ecitrolopam. I came to a point where my doctor and I were both happy to reduce my dose and eventually I was taken off of it altogether. This happily coincided with my husband and I planning to start a family. 4 months into my pregnancy we had a lot of bad luck and bad news, we ended up in debt and having to move by September I was having strong bouts of fear and worry about our future but I was generally managing it with reason and distraction. In October my mother was diagnosed with incurable, but manageable cancer and I became her primary emotional support as well as going to her appointments with her and making sure everything was as organised as can be. At the same time my father's health was deteriorating with what we still believe to be a memory related illness accompanied by bad diabetes management and all sorts of other problems. By the end of October we had begun work on the house we had moved into, which was only half converted from a barn, by this time I was heavily pregnant and really starting to feel the strain but coping somehow. Our baby boy was born in January early at a low but healthy weight. We still didn't have a fully finished bathroom or a kitchen at all and the rest of the house aside from bedrooms was untouched. I had minor complications from the birth which kept me off my feet longer than I would have liked. Now almost 11 months since that point we have come to a point where the kitchen (everything in fact except a lounge) is almost finished, it is a real push to get it done by Christmas, meaning my husband and I are working on it over the night time, (as we are doing all the work ourselves) until we are both exhausted or our son stirs in the night (he is teething and has gone from sleeping through to having some restless nights). It's almost as if the end is in sight but the last three weeks my anxiety which I managed so well for such a time has come back to the point where the slightest thing can trigger a panic attack and panic that can last hours after. The last one was the smell of the paint drying on the radiators that seemed overpowering even though I was the only person who could really smell it (made sure before purchasing it was fit for the job just to try avoid worrying about it). I also have what I believe to be an ear infection coming but I can't sleep because it's all I can think about. I'm worried about finances even though my husband assures me we are straight. I'm scared to go to the mailbox in case there is an unexpected letter. I have my husband open any letter I receive that I don't know the envelope or address for in case it is something official. It probably all sounds ridiculous but it feels as though I am living with a constant dull panic in my heart, like an engine turning over ready to escalate at any moment. Im biting my nails and cuticles down to the quick. I wash my hands so many times a day that the are literally cracking and bleeding because I'm paranoid of spreading any bacteria or chemicals to my son. My husband is wonderful he tries to understand and be supportive but he just can't grasp it and that frustrates him, which is the last thing but needs with all the work going on. I just really wanted to just explain all that. I just really want it all to ease up. I don't want to go to my doctor as although he's lovely and supportive I don't want, and I mean really don't want to go back on medication. I want to be fine I want to cope Again like I did.m.

If you read all of that I'm sorry that I ramble and waffle on, but also thank you.

[cloudy black]

hello millsa. gosh you have been going through the wringer. sorry about your parents that's tough on both counts. and going through major life changes on top like having a baby and fixing the house! are you managing to get out and about? for instance to mother and baby group in your community. that way you can take your mind of your troubles and do the gooey gooey bit with other moms!
have you got help and support regarding your mum? there is support out there for people with cancer. but you have to ask for it. the Doctor can help with this but you do have to have your mum on board with this. have you got family that can maybe sought that out. regarding finding support for your mum. medical people do do home visits for instance (in England) St Richard's hospice come out and they are really really fantastic and its not just about the treatment they also build up a rapport with their clients. if you need any more info where i can if i can be of help. then just post me.

just to let you know once you have done 10 posts you can use the private message feature. take care and share your burden dont let it fall on your shoulders only X

[JaneCrory]

It could be that your brain has become so over burdened with stress, that your system doesn't know to turn anxiety or stress off now, it's like you're in a permanent state of anxiousness. Also the hand washing thing strikes me as an OCD thing, which goes hand in hand with anxiety.

[millsa]

hello millsa. gosh you have been going through the wringer. sorry about your parents that's tough on both counts. and going through major life changes on top like having a baby and fixing the house! are you managing to get out and about? for instance to mother and baby group in your community. that way you can take your mind of your troubles and do the gooey gooey bit with other moms!
have you got help and support regarding your mum? there is support out there for people with cancer. but you have to ask for it. the Doctor can help with this but you do have to have your mum on board with this. have you got family that can maybe sought that out. regarding finding support for your mum. medical people do do home visits for instance (in England) St Richard's hospice come out and they are really really fantastic and its not just about the treatment they also build up a rapport with their clients. if you need any more info where i can if i can be of help. then just post me.

just to let you know once you have done 10 posts you can use the private message feature. take care and share your burden dont let it fall on your shoulders only X


Thank you for taking the time to reply. Mum doesn't really want any support we tried that at the beginning, and she found it more intrusive than helpful. I should mention we don't live in England, although our family is English we moved to France ten years ago, and it is actually a barn on the family property that we have just moved into, so we are all relatively close in distance now . Aside from my husband and I no one in our family group speaks any degree of French, and mine is not good enough to convey anything as abstract or complex as emotions and feelings. Which is also why I haven't gotten to any mother and baby groups, plus the fact the community we live in is very small, and has all the gossip and back biting that goes along with small communities. ( think the league of gentlemen - are you local?) As for getting out unless it's for work or grocery shopping it doesn't happen. I did have a small close knit group of friends but everyone has their problems right now and we have all drifted apart. Lots of the old doom and gloom from me I'm sorry to say. I've made an appointment to go to the drs today though so that is something positive. Unfortunately my normal Dr is not available so it will be the other Dr in the surgery, who doesn't know me, so I am worrying about that.. I'm hoping though just talking to someone will help even if it is just on a basic level as well as taking care of my ridiculous immediate health concerns will let me find my footing.

Thank you for your offer. It's just nice to speak about this without the fear or stigma of being labeled and judged.

[cloudy black]

dont know anything with regards to french health care! is where you are living where you need to be? it sounds like a lot of negatives. not being able to speak the lingo for one. both of your parents health for two... when you are going through difficulties language is critical to get what you need.
it can take a few times to get someone to accept that they need further help like your mum. and really as a family unit you cant be the all singing and dancing answer to your mums problems you are only human and you have just recently had a baby. just dont overburden your emotions. seek what you can while you can maybe. living abroad is very nice until problems come along. take care