Awkward Friends- Anxiety Spike- Please help!!!!

[Bananas!]

Hi,

My problem is this- I have been part of a small group of best friends (ok, there are 3 of us) since we were 15 or 14. Now late 20's. An ongoing issue is there always seems to be one of us who is left out of the loop at some point as the friendships tend to fluctuate between 2 of us being closer with each other than the other one. Maybe this is a common thing with small friend groups, I don't know.

anyway, one of my friends let's call her Sara has been living away in a different city/time zone for the past few years but we keep in touch quite regularly. The other, Maria, still lives in the same town as me. Lately, Sara has been bitching to me about how Maria doesn't keep in touch with her like I do. I tend to try and stay neutral when one of them starts bitching about the other, as I just don't want to hear it. It is hard though and tbh Maria is kinda flaky with friendships in general.

So, Sara tells me a few months ago that she's broken up with her long-term boyfriend and goes into detail about it. Being a good friend, I listen and support her, no problem. But I decided not to tell Maria about it for awhile (until this week) because I felt it wasn't really my place. But then the more she mentioned Sara casually, I felt I was being dishonest by NOT telling her, if you know what I mean. after all, we're meant to be best friends.

So I tell her just that Sara and the guy have broken up but not going into detail about it. Maria seems pissed off I didn't tell her sooner and that I'm not telling her more details. But I feel she should make the effort to talk to Sara if she wants to know what's going on in her life. On the other hand, Sara has been texting her and obviously never mentioned the break-up to her...

I feel very caught in the middle. I texted Sara to say that I had told Maria about the break up. I don't know if she will be annoyed at me or not.

Maybe this is a non-issue and my anxiety is making it worse. I'm basically just asking what I should do from now on for this kinda situation? Was I in the wrong for telling or not telling about the break-up?! It's seems either way I'll annoy somebody!

[Fahrenheit]

That is a tough one. I tend to really respect peoples privacy and space - sometimes, I think, to more of an extreme than most people. I, like you, would have held off on telling Maria, feeling that it should be Sara's choice. But I also understand why you would feel like you are 'lying' to Maria by not telling her. You obviously care about both these people, and are invested not only in your relationship with them, but also there relationship with each other. You cannot force them to be good friends with each other, but you can help nudge them in that direction. I think what you should do is help them communicate with each other. You can encourage Maria to keep in touch with Sara, and if Sara is clearly letting you know that she wants more from Maria, you can ask Sara how you can help her. You can offer to talk to Maria for her, and encourage her to bring up issues directly with Maria. And if you ever feel like you are in a uncomfortable position because of them, you can express that, too. For example, you could have told Sara, 'It is really awkward for me not to tell Maria about your breakup. Do you feel comfortable telling her?' and if she doesn't feel comfortable telling her, explore that with her, and give her the space to come to her own conclusion - either that she wants to invest in her friendship with Maria and tell Maria about what is going on in her life, and also express to Maria that she didn't say it for a while because she felt distant in the friendship, or maybe that she feel like Maria is not longer a close enough friend to tell those things. You shouldn't feel bad for not telling Maria, because it is MARIA'S responsibly to be an open friend.

I think you should encourage these two to work it out and communicate with each other, BUT I don't think you should take responsibility for their friendship with each other. Its a tight rope, I know. But remember to express your needs in the friendship, too.

I hope that helps! Good luck!