Confused about relationship

[poseguer]

Hello,
I have a lot of relationship anxiety and I need some advice. I have had depression and anxiety for about a year, I take medication and go to therapy every week. Recently I've been feeling upset with my boyfriend and even unsure as to whether I want to stay with him. I feel like I am always going above and beyond, worrying more about him, basically showing signs of codependency. But here's the thing: my boyfriend has NEVER asked or even implied that he wanted me to do these things. He's a very independent person, he's loving and caring, he spends more than enough time with me, emotionally available--everything I could possibly want. He's stuck with me through the worst of my depression and constantly tells me he loves me.

Lately I've just been so exhausted. I hate my job and feel very unfulfilled in my life. I graduated from college this year and he's still finishing school, and a lot of the time I feel resentful because I miss school so much. I feel like I've lost my sense of purpose, and I don't know who I am anymore. I guess since I graduated I haven't done much other than work and I feel like I've been relying on him too much. And obviously he can't be there to fulfill my life; I know I have to do that myself, I'm just having a really hard time.

So what I don't understand is why I'm so detached from my boyfriend. He has no behavioral or addiction issues. There is nothing out of the ordinary with him. And I logically know that I love him so much, but emotionally I'm having a hard time feeling it. Is anyone else going through this? does anyone have advice? Please help!

[Im-Suffering]

What are the core reasons for the depression and anxiety that you have been discussing with the therapist. This is rhetorical, no need to publicize it. Just understand the BF triggers (is symbolic of) unresolved inner issues. In a very real way, he is a tool for deeper reflection into the core issues or problems. Another words take the feelings currently aimed at him and turn them at yourself, that's where the answers will be found. When you do find your beliefs you will find they have nothing intrinsically to do with him and date back long before you were old enough to even have a relationship.

Things are not always as they seem, you understand, and it's always about yourself, ultimately, that's where the healing takes place. After you find your core beliefs and heal, whether you stay together or not doesn't matter. You may find the 'new you' incompatible, and thus your now toying with those possibilities, feeling guilt etc in advance of any changes that may take place. There is a bit of mental precognition, you see. As you decide upon the future, which road to take.

Never fear, take heart, these emotions will not hurt you, although they may feel bad, they are just there for you to examine and grow from. You cannot stop them, so learn to feel, honor and trust.

'I hate my job and feel very unfulfilled in my life'

There it is, go into that feeling asking 'why' questions, and you will have your answers. You are feeling that for very valid reasons, ultimately, you are meant to live a rich, fulfilling life, you see? So you will experience dissatisfaction as a means of course correction.

I hope to enlighten you, so you will see clearly, and judge your feelings for guidance. If you feel bad, find the false beliefs or problems you must resolve, if you feel good, continue because your beliefs in that regard are working for you.

[poseguer]

Thank you so much for your reply. I found these paragraphs to be the most helpful:


Things are not always as they seem, you understand, and it's always about yourself, ultimately, that's where the healing takes place. After you find your core beliefs and heal, whether you stay together or not doesn't matter. You may find the 'new you' incompatible, and thus your now toying with those possibilities, feeling guilt etc in advance of any changes that may take place. There is a bit of mental precognition, you see. As you decide upon the future, which road to take.

Never fear, take heart, these emotions will not hurt you, although they may feel bad, they are just there for you to examine and grow from. You cannot stop them, so learn to feel, honor and trust.

You are a very kind person. It's true that I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else, and love myself at least as much as anyone else, which isn't currently the case. I think that's a large part of my frustration: feeling, whether true or not, that I work too hard for others for not enough return. I know that relationships of any kind shouldn't be thought of that way, but if you're not getting enough out of a relationship then that's that. The problem is that my boyfriend has done everything right. He's always there for me. If it were different, if he wasn't being attentive or caring or if he was abusive it would be a much easier thing to process. But as that's not the case, and I know we've shared so much love and commitment, I want to do what I can to make this work. Of course that means working on myself; there is no other possible solution. But I think I've been hesitant because I'm afraid that working on myself will push me away from him. I can't even think about that without almost triggering a panic attack. I can't imagine being without him. So I guess I'm just hoping that helping myself won't end things for us, but bring us closer together and make us happier. Of course, I know this is secondary to my personal happiness. I just have my fingers crossed.

Thank you again for your kindness and the care you took in replying to me.

[Fahrenheit]

But I think I've been hesitant because I'm afraid that working on myself will push me away from him. I can't even think about that without almost triggering a panic attack. I can't imagine being without him. So I guess I'm just hoping that helping myself won't end things for us, but bring us closer together and make us happier. Of course, I know this is secondary to my personal happiness. I just have my fingers crossed.

Thank you again for your kindness and the care you took in replying to me.

I agree with a lot of what Im' Suffering said, and I think that what you mentioned above shows a lot of self-awareness. This is along the lines of what both of you have written, but perhaps the reason you feel something lacking in the relationship is that your boyfriends love is not enough. You are unable to accept and to feel his love because you do not love yourself. Maybe up until now, you relied on your boyfriend to love you FOR you, and that was helpful for a while. It allowed you to get to the point you are now, where you are realizing that there will be an emptiness and an insufficiency until you
learn to love yourself, independently.

That may also be why you are afraid that working on yourself will bring you farther from him. You relied on him for love for so long, you think maybe if you love yourself you will need him less, and therefore feel less close to him. If that is the case, I think you will find that working on yourself will bring you closer. And working on yourself can still involve him, but should be ABOUT you learning to stand on your own feet. All of life is a balance between interdependence (not co-dependence!) and self-reliance! You might also feel like your relationship up to now has been all about him supporting you, and that without that, you have nothing in common. If that is the case, then you may find that as you progress, you do grow apart.

I think after you have processed some of this, you can consider talking to him about your feelings. You don't have to say you feel distant from him if you don't want to, but let him know that you have realized you want to work on yourself, and let him know that he has been helpful, and you want his continued support as you learn who you are and what you want from life. Tell him you are learning to love yourself, and that his loving you has helped you realize that. I mean, say these things only if they feel true to you. ;) I am just thinking maybe that is where you are at! And if you feel like you have done enough soul-searching to know how, specifically, he can help you, you can tell him. Maybe you want to branch out in life, explore new interests and meet new people. Maybe you want to do those things alone (without him) so you can practice walking on your own two feet, and you can build your own friendships that open up different parts of yourself. The fact that you want to do those things on your own doesn't meet he just needs to get out of your way and not be a part of it. He can be a part of it by supporting you and encouraging you to do those things, and being curious about it, and gently pushing you to go out of your comfort zone if you are hesitant about taking the risk to do some of the things you want to do.

Alright. I am just thinking out loud here. Take what is useful and leave the rest!

[Im-Suffering]

Excellent.


I agree with a lot of what Im' Suffering said, and I think that what you mentioned above shows a lot of self-awareness. This is along the lines of what both of you have written, but perhaps the reason you feel something lacking in the relationship is that your boyfriends love is not enough. You are unable to accept and to feel his love because you do not love yourself. Maybe up until now, you relied on your boyfriend to love you FOR you, and that was helpful for a while. It allowed you to get to the point you are now, where you are realizing that there will be an emptiness and an insufficiency until you
learn to love yourself, independently.

That may also be why you are afraid that working on yourself will bring you farther from him. You relied on him for love for so long, you think maybe if you love yourself you will need him less, and therefore feel less close to him. If that is the case, I think you will find that working on yourself will bring you closer. And working on yourself can still involve him, but should be ABOUT you learning to stand on your own feet. All of life is a balance between interdependence (not co-dependence!) and self-reliance! You might also feel like your relationship up to now has been all about him supporting you, and that without that, you have nothing in common. If that is the case, then you may find that as you progress, you do grow apart.

I think after you have processed some of this, you can consider talking to him about your feelings. You don't have to say you feel distant from him if you don't want to, but let him know that you have realized you want to work on yourself, and let him know that he has been helpful, and you want his continued support as you learn who you are and what you want from life. Tell him you are learning to love yourself, and that his loving you has helped you realize that. I mean, say these things only if they feel true to you. ;) I am just thinking maybe that is where you are at! And if you feel like you have done enough soul-searching to know how, specifically, he can help you, you can tell him. Maybe you want to branch out in life, explore new interests and meet new people. Maybe you want to do those things alone (without him) so you can practice walking on your own two feet, and you can build your own friendships that open up different parts of yourself. The fact that you want to do those things on your own doesn't meet he just needs to get out of your way and not be a part of it. He can be a part of it by supporting you and encouraging you to do those things, and being curious about it, and gently pushing you to go out of your comfort zone if you are hesitant about taking the risk to do some of the things you want to do.

Alright. I am just thinking out loud here. Take what is useful and leave the rest!