AlrunasRose
11-26-2015, 12:56 AM
Be prepared for a longish post (I'm going to try my best to condense it. Who knows, maybe it wont be that long after all).
I am a long time sufferer of Generalized Anxiety Disorder co-morbid with some other things, but this post is specifically about my anxiety and some panic attacks thrown in. My anxiety gets really bad when it comes to relationships, mostly ones that are romantic in nature. And the thing is... I know EXACTLY why my anxiety centers around relationships. The two main themes? Fear of abandonment and infidelity. So without further ado, here is my story:
The anxiety started in elementary school (maybe sooner, I can't remember further back than that) and of course I had no idea what was "wrong" with me. I just knew I was different. I reacted to nearly everything differently, my temper-tantrums were significantly worse than other kids, I cried over everything, I bit, punched, and scratched myself out of frustration, and I often had panic attacks. My brother would physically and psychologically abuse me. Not in the sense that he would hit me or anything, but he's held me underwater for extended periods of time, held knives up to me, and just flat out torture me. My mother, who mind you is a nurse, was not at all helpful. In fact, I believe she is the reason I can be so ashamed at times for my anxiety. She used to tell me "I don't listen to whiners. Just ignore him." But how can you just ignore someone who you live with and see everyday, let alone someone who TRIED DROWNING YOU? My mother just seemingly did not care. So I grew up believing that no one cares and I should keep my feelings to myself. My mother and father had a rocky marriage. They would argue and she would leave and say she was never coming back. My sister and I would stay up crying, calling her and begging her to come home. She came back every time. I was constantly bullied at school for being over weight and just other nonsense. Home was supposed to be my solace, but it wasn't. The nightmare just never ended.
Flash forward to middle school. I've lost a ton of weight and became more physically active. And now in addition to my anxiety I now have depression. I was still bullied constantly in school and therefore was in my fair share of altercations. The relationship between my brother and I got a little bit better. At this time he was a young adult and grew up a bit I guess you could say. But the relationship with my mother got significantly worse. She would tell me that I am "psycho" and that I need to be put in a psych-ward. Just imagine being only 11/12 years old and your mother, the person who is supposed to protect and love you, tells you you're crazy. That is just traumatizing. I am traumatized by this and I can acknowledge it. One time after she told me that, I ran upstairs to the bathroom, shut the door, and cut my wrists for the first time. She came barging in, took a hold of my arm and scolded me. Further telling me that I am crazy and she is going to call the police to have me mental hygiene arrested. I would plead with her to not take me there. She never did. I never truly stopped cutting, but it wasn't as bad. I wouldn't make myself bleed, only sometimes. I eventually went to therapy and I liked it, but it just did not help me. I got into my first "serious" relationship (I put serious in quotations because I was only 12 years old. Nothing's serious then). I thought I was in love and we were together for a year and a half. I was constantly on edge in the relationship. I always thought he was lying to me, was being unfaithful, and I tried to control him. Of course he had enough of my behavior and called it quits. My brother actually apologized to me saying that he feels he is partially to blame for this, which at the time I was like of course it's your fault. It wasn't until after our relationship ended that I was diagnosed with G.A.D. with extreme emotions and panic and depression. Then it all made sense to me and I finally understood why I felt the ways that I did. So I continued to be in therapy until my mother decided she did not want me to see my therapist anymore after my therapist had her come in with me and we talked about how I felt about my early childhood experiences. My mother cried and apologized to me, but later she said she couldn't believe that the therapist blamed her for how I am. So I never saw her again. I continued to see multiple different therapists each ending the same.
Flash forward again to high school. Our home was foreclosed and so we moved to a different town about 30 minutes away from everything and everyone I once knew. I am sure you can imagine the emotions I was feeling about this: new school, new home, new environment, and completely new people. I was truly alone. I quickly made two friends though and soon many more. The relationship with my mom worsened and she would often say she wants to kick me out. Of course that never happened. I entered in another serious relationship, lasting about two years. He was very emotionally abusive. Cheated on me with my best friend, dishonest, partied, flirtatious, immature, and very unkind. I ended up getting pregnant and miscarried. So that was another blow to my depression, but in the end I truly think it was for the best. Bittersweet. Anytime I tried to break up with him he would find a way to make me come back. I eventually worked up the courage to leave him for good. I changed my number, blocked him on social media, and did not look back. Probably one of the best decisions of my life.
Lets flash forward yet again to after graduation. My family and I moved to a different state. So once again I was up rooted from what I knew to somewhere completely new and isolating. It wasn't too bad though I suppose. I had my first job at Chuck E. Cheese. Horrible experience, do not recommend. My boss was emotionally abusive and the company was just ridiculous. I entered into a very short lived relationship with a guy younger than me. Even though it was very short (one month) he was the MOST emotionally abusive person I have ever come across and with my knowledge in psychology (psychology major in the house) dare I say, he must be a sociopath because he is just the textbook definition. Anywho, he would constantly call me fat, say he was cheating on me, show me pictures of who he was supposedly cheating on me with, send me texts that "weren't" meant for me, and would intentionally provoke my anxiety and call me crazy. I tried leaving and like my last ex he found a way to pull me back in. So the cycle continued, but luckily one day he just disappeared and I haven't heard from him since. Thank the lord.
Now here's present time. My parents divorced back in 2013. My mother moved down south, and we moved back to NY. My father remarried to a woman who has some strange grudge against me. What I did, I have no idea. I entered into another serious relationship and is the one I am currently in. My step-mother, too, would emotionally abuse me. Telling me to cut myself and hit myself, she doesn't like me, and that depression isn't real it's just being lazy. She said all of this in front of my father (who used to be basically my best friend. I was a huge daddy's girl) and he did NOTHING. I even asked him why he would let her say those things to me. His response? "When you have kids you'll understand." NO. I will stand up for my children to anyone, even my spouse. My kids come first. Eventually, my father moved out on short notice and I was told I had two months to find somewhere to live. So I moved in with my aunt and uncle until I moved away for university which was closer to my boyfriend as he lived in a different state at the time. Which is where I am currently working on my bachelors. I hardly talk to any of my family now except my sisters and relatives.
Now my currently relationship as mentioned above. For the first time I am in a relationship that is overall going very well and for the most part he is very supportive of me. But of course being with someone with anxiety and depression is not always smooth sailing so I understand when sometimes he gets overwhelmed. We have been together for well over a year now and I trust him with all my heart and I truly do feel like he is the one. But of course my anxiety is still a huge factor. However, I am working on it harder than ever. I am therapy again with a wonderful therapist who really seems to understand me. I am under medication and write diligently in a journal. I can say that I have gotten way better and both my therapist and boyfriend agree. But of course I have hiccups.
I am a long time sufferer of Generalized Anxiety Disorder co-morbid with some other things, but this post is specifically about my anxiety and some panic attacks thrown in. My anxiety gets really bad when it comes to relationships, mostly ones that are romantic in nature. And the thing is... I know EXACTLY why my anxiety centers around relationships. The two main themes? Fear of abandonment and infidelity. So without further ado, here is my story:
The anxiety started in elementary school (maybe sooner, I can't remember further back than that) and of course I had no idea what was "wrong" with me. I just knew I was different. I reacted to nearly everything differently, my temper-tantrums were significantly worse than other kids, I cried over everything, I bit, punched, and scratched myself out of frustration, and I often had panic attacks. My brother would physically and psychologically abuse me. Not in the sense that he would hit me or anything, but he's held me underwater for extended periods of time, held knives up to me, and just flat out torture me. My mother, who mind you is a nurse, was not at all helpful. In fact, I believe she is the reason I can be so ashamed at times for my anxiety. She used to tell me "I don't listen to whiners. Just ignore him." But how can you just ignore someone who you live with and see everyday, let alone someone who TRIED DROWNING YOU? My mother just seemingly did not care. So I grew up believing that no one cares and I should keep my feelings to myself. My mother and father had a rocky marriage. They would argue and she would leave and say she was never coming back. My sister and I would stay up crying, calling her and begging her to come home. She came back every time. I was constantly bullied at school for being over weight and just other nonsense. Home was supposed to be my solace, but it wasn't. The nightmare just never ended.
Flash forward to middle school. I've lost a ton of weight and became more physically active. And now in addition to my anxiety I now have depression. I was still bullied constantly in school and therefore was in my fair share of altercations. The relationship between my brother and I got a little bit better. At this time he was a young adult and grew up a bit I guess you could say. But the relationship with my mother got significantly worse. She would tell me that I am "psycho" and that I need to be put in a psych-ward. Just imagine being only 11/12 years old and your mother, the person who is supposed to protect and love you, tells you you're crazy. That is just traumatizing. I am traumatized by this and I can acknowledge it. One time after she told me that, I ran upstairs to the bathroom, shut the door, and cut my wrists for the first time. She came barging in, took a hold of my arm and scolded me. Further telling me that I am crazy and she is going to call the police to have me mental hygiene arrested. I would plead with her to not take me there. She never did. I never truly stopped cutting, but it wasn't as bad. I wouldn't make myself bleed, only sometimes. I eventually went to therapy and I liked it, but it just did not help me. I got into my first "serious" relationship (I put serious in quotations because I was only 12 years old. Nothing's serious then). I thought I was in love and we were together for a year and a half. I was constantly on edge in the relationship. I always thought he was lying to me, was being unfaithful, and I tried to control him. Of course he had enough of my behavior and called it quits. My brother actually apologized to me saying that he feels he is partially to blame for this, which at the time I was like of course it's your fault. It wasn't until after our relationship ended that I was diagnosed with G.A.D. with extreme emotions and panic and depression. Then it all made sense to me and I finally understood why I felt the ways that I did. So I continued to be in therapy until my mother decided she did not want me to see my therapist anymore after my therapist had her come in with me and we talked about how I felt about my early childhood experiences. My mother cried and apologized to me, but later she said she couldn't believe that the therapist blamed her for how I am. So I never saw her again. I continued to see multiple different therapists each ending the same.
Flash forward again to high school. Our home was foreclosed and so we moved to a different town about 30 minutes away from everything and everyone I once knew. I am sure you can imagine the emotions I was feeling about this: new school, new home, new environment, and completely new people. I was truly alone. I quickly made two friends though and soon many more. The relationship with my mom worsened and she would often say she wants to kick me out. Of course that never happened. I entered in another serious relationship, lasting about two years. He was very emotionally abusive. Cheated on me with my best friend, dishonest, partied, flirtatious, immature, and very unkind. I ended up getting pregnant and miscarried. So that was another blow to my depression, but in the end I truly think it was for the best. Bittersweet. Anytime I tried to break up with him he would find a way to make me come back. I eventually worked up the courage to leave him for good. I changed my number, blocked him on social media, and did not look back. Probably one of the best decisions of my life.
Lets flash forward yet again to after graduation. My family and I moved to a different state. So once again I was up rooted from what I knew to somewhere completely new and isolating. It wasn't too bad though I suppose. I had my first job at Chuck E. Cheese. Horrible experience, do not recommend. My boss was emotionally abusive and the company was just ridiculous. I entered into a very short lived relationship with a guy younger than me. Even though it was very short (one month) he was the MOST emotionally abusive person I have ever come across and with my knowledge in psychology (psychology major in the house) dare I say, he must be a sociopath because he is just the textbook definition. Anywho, he would constantly call me fat, say he was cheating on me, show me pictures of who he was supposedly cheating on me with, send me texts that "weren't" meant for me, and would intentionally provoke my anxiety and call me crazy. I tried leaving and like my last ex he found a way to pull me back in. So the cycle continued, but luckily one day he just disappeared and I haven't heard from him since. Thank the lord.
Now here's present time. My parents divorced back in 2013. My mother moved down south, and we moved back to NY. My father remarried to a woman who has some strange grudge against me. What I did, I have no idea. I entered into another serious relationship and is the one I am currently in. My step-mother, too, would emotionally abuse me. Telling me to cut myself and hit myself, she doesn't like me, and that depression isn't real it's just being lazy. She said all of this in front of my father (who used to be basically my best friend. I was a huge daddy's girl) and he did NOTHING. I even asked him why he would let her say those things to me. His response? "When you have kids you'll understand." NO. I will stand up for my children to anyone, even my spouse. My kids come first. Eventually, my father moved out on short notice and I was told I had two months to find somewhere to live. So I moved in with my aunt and uncle until I moved away for university which was closer to my boyfriend as he lived in a different state at the time. Which is where I am currently working on my bachelors. I hardly talk to any of my family now except my sisters and relatives.
Now my currently relationship as mentioned above. For the first time I am in a relationship that is overall going very well and for the most part he is very supportive of me. But of course being with someone with anxiety and depression is not always smooth sailing so I understand when sometimes he gets overwhelmed. We have been together for well over a year now and I trust him with all my heart and I truly do feel like he is the one. But of course my anxiety is still a huge factor. However, I am working on it harder than ever. I am therapy again with a wonderful therapist who really seems to understand me. I am under medication and write diligently in a journal. I can say that I have gotten way better and both my therapist and boyfriend agree. But of course I have hiccups.