My daughter's anxiety is getting worse and it's scaring me.

[AlexandraVA]

Hi all. I hope someone can help me. I am in the early stages of divorce, husband left. I have primary custody and my 11 year-old daughter sees her dad once a week. She doesn't like him or want to see him and is seeing a therapist for that (along with anxiety therapy). Yesterday she had a therapy appointment and last night she was very upset that she is supposed to see her dad today. I think the combo of therapy/talking about it along with seeing him tomorrow kind of did her in. Frequently her anxiety will turn into meltdowns in the evening, they involve all of her overwhelming crud from the day coming out and are not too pretty. But last night was different. She started screaming, clutching my arm, and screaming at me to help her. She wouldn't let me hug her or do anything to help, she just screamed and cried for a long time. It hurt my ears and I kept trying to cover my ears but she would rip my hands off my ears and scream louder. I told her the noise was painful and I wanted to sit in the next room and she dug her fingers into my arm and screamed more. The whole thing lasted about 45 minutes and I felt like I would go crazy towards the end. Then this morning she said she doesn't remember it, only remembers seeing spots and passing out, and me telling her to quit screaming. I am scared for her and don't know what to do. I think the increased therapy to deal with the divorce is actually stressing her out even more.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. She is not on meds. We tried prozac a year ago and it made her really depressed.

[Sarbear]

Wow that must have been very frightening and heartbreaking for you to see. I'm sorry I don't really have any advice other than to maybe contact her therapist and explain what happened and ask their advice? I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help I just wanted to let you know to hang in there and hopefully things will start to get better soon. Hopefully someone else on here can provide better advice. Good luck.

[snowberry]

How about, if she doesn't want to see her dad, why not let her have her wish? You can't force a relationship that isn't there. Many people have only one parent in their lives and do not feel a lack because of it. If she changes her mind later and decides she wants to have him in her life, she can do. But right now it's doing her more harm than good.

Kids don't always need access to both parents. My friend had to spend weekends with her dad until she was 13 and finally had the guts to tell her counsellor that she really, really wasn't bothered about spending time with her dad. He had clearly moved on with his new wife and child, and she would have much rather spent her weekends with her friends. She's a perfectly well-adjusted individual today. She speaks to her dad on the phone every so often but they remain relatively distant and she's happy with that.

[MiST]

11 years old and in therapy and on Prozac? Wow, on what planet is that considered a good idea?

[Fahrenheit]

I don't feel super qualified to address this, but I want to at least show support for you. I can't imagine how that must have been for you. Hang in there, and take care of yourself as much as you can.

I think it is a good idea to let her therapist('s?) know what is going on. At some point in your daughters recovery, she will probably need to open into a conversation with you about why she has just strong feelings about her father. I don't know the details of the situation, and maybe your daughter is working things out in therapy she isn't ready/doesn't understand enough yet to talk to you about? Or do you have an idea why your daughter doesn't want to see him?

I think that if there is not a legal need for her to see him, and she does have strong feelings about it, you might be able to try taking a break for a while, and give her space to process everything? Then maybe visitations can continue, or not, depending on where you all are at? Or she could visit less frequently?

I think you may be right about therapy making things harder in the moment. If she is facing difficult stuff in therapy, it is normal for it to get harder before it gets better. What you and your daughter and your therapist need to figure out now is what you and your daughter both need while she sorts through the painful stuff. That might be time away from her father, it might not. But I think that is a conversation you can have with both of them.

How long has your daughter been in therapy? Do your know if she likes/feels safe with her therapist?

Also, remember to take care of yourself as well. I would even say consider seeing a therapist yourself. You are part of the support system for your daughter, but you need support, too!

I know this is a painful situation that can't be resolved quickly, but I hope that you begin to get some sense of what you can do to help, and even beginning to understand and make small steps can help ease the difficulty.

Sending you loving vibes.