Nic Marsella
11-23-2015, 03:54 AM
I woke up about 35 minutes ago after having yet another terrible nightmare and I woke up with some equally terrible anxiety...people wonder why I cry sometimes...if they knew what living like this was like.
-one of my friends at work tried to set me up with his sister in law this weekend, she's so beautiful, but guess what? I get to the beach bar we're all supposed to meet at, I start getting claustrophobic just looking at the place and I had to do my counting exercises in my truck until I got ok enough to even go in to the bar. I was a total dud in front of a wonderful woman because i'm such an agoraphobic, anxious, panic stricken idiot
-I damn near had a meltdown at work on Saturday, I started crying for no reason whatsoever, my boss asked me what was wrong and I laid it all out, and she probably confirms the fact now that there is a basket case working for her
-so last night I had ordered the survivor series wrestling pay-per-view and bought a six pack expecting to watch wrestling and enjoy myself. i fell asleep, woke up, and it was over.
-about the only positive thing is that one of the secretaries at work said there is a psychiatrists office a couple blocks away from work, that if we use the "i'm a nurse at such and such hospital" to their reception staff, they are supposed to get you right in. at this pace, i'm not sure i'd make it to my next psychiatrist appt, which is December 8th.
I've already had one nervous breakdown, i don't want another. i'm so sick of living life by anxiety's rules.....i want to live it by my own rules...i live in one of the most beautiful places on earth and my mind is this prison that wont let me out...its terrible. most days i'm so tired from the anxiety and not sleeping that it feels like someone cracked open my head, went in there with steel toed boots and a bolt cutter and went crazy rearranging things.
but i also feel like if i say that to any doctor, outside of our little enclave here, that they'll lock me up in a facility, and i don't need that one bit.
-one of my friends at work tried to set me up with his sister in law this weekend, she's so beautiful, but guess what? I get to the beach bar we're all supposed to meet at, I start getting claustrophobic just looking at the place and I had to do my counting exercises in my truck until I got ok enough to even go in to the bar. I was a total dud in front of a wonderful woman because i'm such an agoraphobic, anxious, panic stricken idiot
-I damn near had a meltdown at work on Saturday, I started crying for no reason whatsoever, my boss asked me what was wrong and I laid it all out, and she probably confirms the fact now that there is a basket case working for her
-so last night I had ordered the survivor series wrestling pay-per-view and bought a six pack expecting to watch wrestling and enjoy myself. i fell asleep, woke up, and it was over.
-about the only positive thing is that one of the secretaries at work said there is a psychiatrists office a couple blocks away from work, that if we use the "i'm a nurse at such and such hospital" to their reception staff, they are supposed to get you right in. at this pace, i'm not sure i'd make it to my next psychiatrist appt, which is December 8th.
I've already had one nervous breakdown, i don't want another. i'm so sick of living life by anxiety's rules.....i want to live it by my own rules...i live in one of the most beautiful places on earth and my mind is this prison that wont let me out...its terrible. most days i'm so tired from the anxiety and not sleeping that it feels like someone cracked open my head, went in there with steel toed boots and a bolt cutter and went crazy rearranging things.
but i also feel like if i say that to any doctor, outside of our little enclave here, that they'll lock me up in a facility, and i don't need that one bit.