Lowest point in my life - the weakest version of myself.

[AliasEQ]

Hey guys. Long time, no see. Many new people here. I hope you're all doing good, finding new strategies to beat whatever problem you have in life. Unfortunately, I can not say the same. I wish I could. I really do.

It's currently 04:50 am. I can't sleep because of all the emotions I'm going through and all the thoughts running by me. It feels heavy mentally, physically and spiritually. I'm on the lowest point of my life, I feel broken. 20 years old and already like this. What's causing this? I wrote down a list:

- My panic attacks, anxiety and DR don't ever go away. I can still see scars, metaphorically speaking. Even though I can control all of them.
- 20 years old with no dreams. Litterally, no dreams of becoming someone or something. No job, lives at home and no friends as of recently. No friends and no job because of this shit I'm going through <- and this makes me feel even more depressed.
- I'm following my lusts. I keep falling for my f*cking disgusting lusts. That's how my anxiety popped up from the first place, me following my lust. As time goes, the more scars I get from falling for stupid lusts.

The reason I'm feeling like this is because of the consequences of the bad decisions I've done in my life. I feel scarred, there's no turning back. So many bad decisions and I feel like a fool to believe that these are positive in some kind of way. Who the f*ck am I kidding? How is having anxiety, panic attacks or derealization positive in any kind of way? How is laziness and not being able to take responsibility positive? How is depression positive?

I look back 5 years ago and realise how happy I was. How I had hope in this life. I wasn't completly f*cked by the bad side of life yet. Whoever said that life is beautiful, is the biggest liar that has ever existed. Who in his right mind thinks this life is beautiful. What a joke.

I feel like shit, I can't see the light in this darkness and I have put myself there. These four walls have become my best friend, I legit feel like I'm going nuts. I have done this to myself. I have choosen this. I don't want to die, but I want to end this. This is the weakest version of myself. Sorry to spread negativity, I just needed to get this out as I have no one to talk to right now. I feel broken. I feel beaten. It's too heavy to carry on my shoulders.

Elias

[Gwen123]

That sounds like a lot to deal with. I don't know exactly what you're talking about, but I know that if you feel that you've hit rock bottom, it is strong to ask for help. You're showing strength by reaching out. Have you seen your doctor and got a therapist or medication or something? Anxiety and depression can make you feel completely disinterested in everything, as I'm sure you're aware. Maybe what you need to do is remember what you were interested in before you got ill and try to get back into it, even if it feels a bit rubbish at first. It's got to be better than how you're feeling right now. There is a way through this, I promise you, it's just hard to see it with anxiety and depression, and you will be incredibly strong for getting through it. You don't have to go through this alone. You've got everyone on here, you've got your doctor, hopefully you've your family and you probably still have your friends if you reach out to them. The way I see it, you have 2 choices: give up or work through it to get better. Working to get better is hard, but it's got to be better than how you're feeling now. It can start with just a few simple steps each day like breathing, mindfullness or journaling and take it from there. Take care.

[cloudy black]

hello EliasEQ im really sorry that you are in a dark corner at the mo. i just want to acknowledge you message. as to what i can say i don't know. you don't say whether you are getting help for your lusts. you got to slay that dragon and that is your starting point from here but you don't have to do it alone. can you talk to your GP who would know where to refer you to. do not let embarrassment stop you from reaching out for help. this forum is great but don't forget the real world also. take care and be easy on yourself

[Anne1221]

Gwen123 has some good advice in there and I agree it might be time to see a doctor or get some medication, just for a little additional help. I feel like you do when I don't take my medication. I got off of it in March of this year, and everything looked black. Now that I'm back on it (a VERY small dose), I am optimistic and hopeful. Okay, tell us about some of those dreams you had earlier. You CAN make those happen. What do you like to do? Where would you like to work? What would you like to accomplish? See a therapist and start small, and you'll be surprised that as you get interested in something that you like doing, the anxiety will gradually subside. My psychiatrist always tells me to get out and do stuff. When I say I can't, he says, "yes you can." Start reading some books about how to put the past aside and move forward. President Clinton reached a really low point when the whole world knew he had cheated with an intern, but he kept going and moved forward. You can do that too.

[AliasEQ]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and answer it. Thing is, I can't get into what these lusts are. Lets just say that I have an addiction that I can't put an end to. This combined with me not being able to sleep, take responsibility, letting my family down and no goals or dreams in life makes it heavy to just live. I can't even get out of the house.

I've been to a therapist. She was a complete idiot. Back when I got my derealization from marijuana, she scared me even more than I was. Told me I'd live in that condition permanently. Me not knowing anything about it, started panic right there. I asked her if she's sure, cause she seemed to be talking from her ass - and I was right. She started googling it right in front me. I left with anger, frustration and I was litterally crying. I thought I had lost my life. She made it seem as if I have cancer. So I have a bad experience from therapists. I really don't want to seem as if I'm b*tching or seeking attention. That's the last thing I want people to think about me. That's why I can't open up to anyone.

I don't know. Feels like I'm so much up in my sh*t that I can't see or think clear. I'm scared to take meds, because I won't be able to quit. I can't even quit my addictions that I have right now and that's one of the biggest source to why I'm feeling like this.

I appreciate your advice. I'm sorry for being so pessimistic, but I can't help it to think that this is the reality.

[Anne1221]

I had some really bad therapists before I finally found a good one,so I understand that. As far as meds, there are two types that can help with depression and anxiety. One type is antidepressants. They are not addictive, but you do have to taper off slowly when you take them. They just give your body what you need to feel more hopeful and pull you out of the deep depression. I was really scared to take antidepressants! Believe me, I did not want to. But now I am glad I did have to because they have helped so much. It's not the type of medication that makes you want to keep taking more and more. The other type is benzodiazepines, and those you have to be careful of, and some of them can be addictive. So, I would suggest for you an antidepressant but not a benzodiazepine. I am frightened of all medications, but I have come to believe the great benefits of antidepressants outweigh the risks. So far, I've been on them for years, and have not found a down side except the side effects, but I live with that because they give me a will to live. As far as the lust thing, I think you may have compulsions you can't stop because of your disorder, so don't be too hard on yourself. I don't think you're lazy, I just think you're depressed which is why you can't take responsibility.
I wish you all the best on your road back.

[Gwen123]

Anne is right, you sometimes have to see a few therapists before you find one you feel comfortable with. And I won't push you to tell us what your lusts are but an experienced therapist will have seen a lot of stuff and you probably won't surprise them. They won't judge, they're there to help you and can refer you to other services if they can't. And there are a lot of views about medication but it can help. I'm on citalopram (an antidepressant) and the first month was harsh but now it helps me think clearer and feel better (been on it 2 years). I don't want to go up to a higher dose in case it makes me feel tired but my doctor is ok with that. There is a way for you to get better, it'll just take some time to figure it out.

[AliasEQ]

Really appreciate the help guys!

I will take a look and see if there's any other better therapists or psychologist. I know Benzos are really addicting, so I'll stay away from them. I'll ask for any other medicine that is not addictive.

I feel like it's a barrier between me and getting up to do something against my depression, like a resistance holding me back. Are you familiar with Newtons 3rd law? "When one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction on the first body." That is exactly how I feel. Everytime I get up to work against this feeling, it hits back with the same force. Ugh.

Oh well, thanks for the help. Really.

[Anne1221]

Alias, I hope you feel better soon! There are so many times you posted on this forum and you were doing so well. You can get back to that, and get back to encouraging others.

[Dahila]

Alias my dear , are you writing about me, when I was twenty. On Friday I had crisis like you, focusing on the time I had wasted, on my life mistakes, and in general on bad things which happened to me maybe because of the anxiety. When I was young which was like 4 decades ago , we helped with anxiety using alcohol. There was no internet, no one talked about it. I was so alone with my problems. When I started to talk about it to my parents they asked me : Why are you looking for bad things in your life, when your life is so good" ? Yeah I had no survive concentration camps like my family but they gave me the anxiety and depression. Alias you are not alone with it. Right now I have such high heartbeat that it is scaring me:))
I had not known what to do with my life and my children do not know what to do either. A lot of people have no ready plan for life. You take everyday like it is your last and try to live to the fullest. Do not waste even an hour, because it is not coming back to you that hour. I am very happy to see you, but not happy that you still kind of the same. Alias you get to start meditating, you got too. In mean time say hello to Dahila Preffesor deReal and f**** it:))

By the way I do not believe in therapy, and there is not therapist who can deal with your anxiety only you can do it:))

[AliasEQ]

Thank you Anne! I hope this is temporarily!

Dahila!! So happy you're still here! :) I feel relieved that I'm not alone on this boat. I hope this is just another stage in life. Only difference is, I do my addiction to get relief from this life in general. How the hell do you figure life out? How did you manage to do it? I mean hell, I don't even know my own identity. And that leads to no goals and no dreams. Which leads to anxiety and that leads to my addiction... well I'm good at summarizing things up at least lol :)

"You take everyday like it is your last and try to live to the fullest. Do not waste even an hour, because it is not coming back to you that hour" - Wise words Dahila. Very true. It's just hard to not think about all of the sh*t and mistakes I've done when I'm constantly reminded by them. I know though, sitting, thinking and reminding myself about them isn't going to change anything. I should be looking forward, not back.

I used to do some meditation. Helped me concentrate on the right things. Don't know why I stopped. I'm prob going to start meditating again, I forgot all about it damn.

hahah just f*ck it I guess!! :)

Couldn't help to notice your signature. Wow. Mark Twain was a wise man.

[Anne1221]

You've got something going for you, you're very intelligent. Why not make a goal to get a really good education, a good job, and your own nice house?

[AliasEQ]

You've got something going for you, you're very intelligent. Why not make a goal to get a really good education, a good job, and your own nice house?

Thank you Anne :)

I envy people that have passion, ambition and focus from when they're young. They already know what they want to do in life. They have their path straight, all they have to do is learn to walk. I really wish I had that... well I did, but somewhere along the line, I lost my vision. I no longer can see my path, you know?

What kind of education? What kind of job? I'm questioning my own identity and personality, so it's hard to find something. I was talking to my dad the other day - he told me to choose whatever I enjoy, because that's how I'll reach success in what I do. I don't know, I feel as I'm stuck. I guess I just need time to figure it out.

[Dahila]

Alias it does not make sense to think about past, you will not change it (I do all the time) My strategy is to learn something new, all the time, so I have so many skills. I do not know if you remember but in my age (I should lie down on the coach and watch tv) but I hate tv and the nonsense they feed us. I opened a new busines to follow my anther project. I will try for a year and see. I make soaps, and cosmetics. On the side of course the herbal things. I love training the dogs, and I am pretty good at this, I love my garden and veggies garden too, and guess I am good at this too. I pain when there is some time left then books, thousand of books........sometimes I wonder if my life is my life or the one from the books;))
Chose what you like to do. You see my son he always was interested in cooking. He is a computer geek but he quit college (computing courses) twice and he cooks, he is following what he likes to do. I had learned a few things from him already. Think what you like to do? do you like nature, animals, computing, working physically, reading, teaching, ......................everyone of us has something, we just need to find it. I am almost on end of my life and still I do not know what is my biggest passion. However I strongly suspect that working with animals is. Especially training them, whisper them ;))
YOu have passion too, anxiety shows that your are sensitive and I just had read that anxious people tend to have higher IQ:))
You think you will not question yourself in 20 years in the future?
The people who do not do it, are just terrifying

[AliasEQ]

I agree with you Dahila. I'll try to direct my focus on the future instead. Learning something new all the time sounds good and productive. You're around the age of 50, am I right? But hey, 50 is the new 20 ;D

I'm happy you got it going. Any books you can recommend? :P I love reading books.

Your son did the right thing. I guess I need a little bit of time to figure it out. I have 40 years waiting for me, if I don't leave this earth earlier.

Well you're still here and helping people. Maybe that's your passion, combined with herbal things and working with animals. I guess you don't need to set an objective passion in life. Don't know why I've always believed that I should.

I like helping people. I worked at a bank as a cashier for 6 months, that was pretty ok. There were so many ungrateful, disrepectful and ignorant customers though. I got one customer that was drunk one time and he thought I had stolen his money. He started spitting at me. Didn't end well. Of course, I lost my job - but it was worth it. I refuse to suppress my personality for something as materialstic and superficial as money.

I guess I just need some time to figure it out. There's much to learn from you Dahila :)

[Dahila]

oH I am blushing and add a decade to my age, yeah doing new things all the time, takes your mind of the way you feel. I am passionate about everything I do and it helps. Do I help people? I am not sure. lately on forum we have youngsters who instead of checking the boards post the same questions all the time. It is boring. Eman burned out and he does not come here anymore. Needtogetwell lost her husband and she is going through hell, Jessed posts sometimes, but he is mostly quiet. I am still active in Ponder threads. Iamsuffering does not come here much, he has enough of whiners too. Alias you always made me smile, and I am absolutely sure you going to figure out your life soon. Anyway u should enjoy it, you are so young. Sometimes I think when people are smart and sensitive they tend to analyze every detail. it is not worth it. For me earth is moving faster:))) For you slower.
Books; I went through all classic, French, British, American, African, you name it, I have no favorites of mine but there is one writer Steinbeck I love him and have books by him, I do go back to it from time to time. I love fantasy, Tolkien, and countless others. Good thriller, the good novel, and good Sci-fi book is always good. I am sci-fi junkie:)) I am also interested in occult so a lot of books on this subject. Now I am reading about Egypt at Cleoparta's time.

[AliasEQ]

Oh are you around 60? Whatever, don't let age stop you from what you love to do :) My grandpa is 89 and he's still doing what he loves.

Yes, you helped me many times :)) I know it's a virtual meeting place, but remember we're real human beings and for people to find a place like this, it can help them and support them alot when there's people like you and many other here. So sad Eman doesn't come here anymore, strong man, learned alot from his positive perspective on life. Sorry to hear that Pam's husband went away :( really depressing :( Hope she's ok.

Maybe I am just b*tching about life. Maybe I just need to man up, like my dad puts it lol. I've seen how some people live, that don't have much to work with and they don't b*tch like I do. It's ironic how people in poor countries for example, they go on and live happy, even though they don't have much and they live dangerous every day. I'm sitting here, safe, enough food and water, roof over my head and still not happy. That fact hurts me. I guess like your sign says: "The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time." - People that live the poor and dangerous life, confirms that that quote is true. They don't fear life.

I'll check Steinback out. I'm currently reading "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield. Highly recommend you to read it, makes great points.

[Nic Marsella]

[QUOTE=AliasEQ;222079]
I really don't want to seem as if I'm b*tching or seeking attention. That's the last thing I want people to think about me. That's why I can't open up to anyone.
QUOTE]

you're not bitching or seeking attention. you're living how a lot of us do - just slogging away through life with your head down instead of walking free with your head up. i firmly believe we're all going to be riding high and living free one day. i really do. i don't know why but i think its because we're all total strangers who come here to talk about our problems and how connecting with the rest of the world is a huge problem.

unfortunately i'm not entirely sure what to say here right now. i'm at a tremendously low point in my life right now. i'm absolutely scared shitless because thanksgiving is this week, there's 20 of us supposed to be going to my mom's house Thursday and i'm fairly certain i'm going to get claustrophobic and my anxiety is going to go through the roof and i'll have a panic attack. i'm scared shitless that this new psychiatrist i'm seeing this week is going to be like the last four and not treat any of my problems and leave me this nervous wreck that i already am.

none of us should have to be like this. none of us. for some of us it will be lifestyle changes, some of us it will be meds or a good doctor, but we'll all get there. we just need to stick together until we do because it sounds like, for a lot of us, all we really have is each other.

[AliasEQ]

"i firmly believe we're all going to be riding high and living free one day"
- I'd like to believe that too.

I guess everyone has problems, some just know how to control them, avoid them, hide them or just subside the fact that they have them. Some are better at acknowledging and analyzing them. But I'm sure we'll learn to handle them. Isn't that why we're here, seeking help against this resistance thats trying to stop us from living?

I had claustrophobia when I was younger and the only way I got rid of it was to face it. Face the fear. I created a situation where I sat in a small dark closet and convinced myself that I don't have the key to get out. I'd practice this many times, each time going longer than last time. Eventually I got up to 1 hour. Yes, I sat 1 hour in a freakin closet. Funny as hell, but ever since I practiced that - I never get claustrophobic anywhere now, whether it's the elevator or on a concert.

There's many posts about how to control your panic attacks here on the forum that I'd suggest you to read. Don't fear it and it won't hit you - really, there's nothing to fear.

Wish you the best! :)