I'm lost

[hat verloren]

I've only just come across this place. Not sure why I never looked before. I guess I thought I could handle my anxiety. I don't take any meds or anything. I've been practicing breathing techniques. But lately, the past 2 months or so, my anxiety has gotten worse. Around this time of year I usually go back to work. I've applied to many places and usually I get one, but nothing is going right and it is only adding to this. I feel as though I'm losing myself. My heart has been racing each day for the past week. Only way to calm down is to keep up. I have to go ride my bike or do something to match my heart rate. Only, it lasts for a small amount of time then it goes back. I have underlying stress that I can't figure out. I'm not even able to meditate b/c I cant just sit with myself.

I'm supposed to be applying for school and I can't even get myself to go talk to an advisor. Just the thought of it made me break down and cry. Mostly for the fact that my mind won't allow me and I feel helpless. I'm restless at home and too anxious to go out. My gf doesn't understand and it makes it worse. I've explained and tried to get her to understand. She says she does...says she been there....but she hasn't. At least not with what im going through if at all. She gets on me about jobs and school and doing something and then tells me she understands but she can't understand and it adds to it. Adds to the stress that feeds my anxiety. I'm lost, and I have no idea what to do. I'm burning inside every morning. I don't want to wake up. I just want to dissapear (no, im not suicidal) I'm just done feeling this way. I cry at random for no reason because it just builds inside me. I could be out with friends or family and out of no where my eyes will water.

I'm tired of feeling heavy. I'm tired of my chest hurting. I'm tired of my brain thinking. I'm tired of not knowing what to do. I'm tired of people not understanding. I'm tired of not being able to do more in my life. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired...
I just don't know.
I have no dreams b/c my anxiety tells me I won't fulfill them. Making applying to school that much harder. Feeling like it's a waste of money. Feeling like I'll fail or barley pass just like in high school. Like I'll never get anywhere.
Feeling like I'm a burden in my relationship. Like I'm always a hermit. That I'm not good enough and should just leave and not waste her time.
Feeling like a burden to everyone.
Not wanting to let anxiety win but not knowing how to fight it.
Knowing that if Idon't get out it makes it worse.
Understanding everything I should try or do and not being able to.
It's like I'm one body with two minds. Like there's an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other and the battle field is my head.
I can comprehend everything. I understand everything I think and say is mostly irrational. But why can't I believe myself? It's easy to believe when I'm irrational but not when I'm rational. Why does my mind do this? How do I stop it?
I don't have anxiety attacks. Only once have I ever. Like I said, I kept control over it. Now it's fighting back. I don't want another attack, one was enough. I don't want pills. I've tried therapy. I just need understanding. That is why I needed to vent. And to ask anyone who has an idea. Anything helps.

I feel a lot like Eren from AoT....

My name is Taylor,

und ich bin verloren.

[Nowuccas]

Hey Taylor,

Have you tried the alternatives to meditation; Progressive Muscle Relaxation, at http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html and EFT?

Give the Meridian Tapping Technique / EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via the searchbar at www.mercola.com "EFT" & "EFT therapists" or www.tapping.com (13 free videos), or www.eftuniverse.com or www.emofree.com or one of the many YouTube videos. Google: "YouTube; EFT videos".

Professionally instructed is generally preferable. - There is a version for use in public places at http://eft.mercola.com (if you like, you can claim to have a headache, as you employ the acupressure massage / tapping on your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I suffer from anxiety, I deeply and completely accept myself)."

They can help with stress as well.

If you haven't had CBT yet, I suggest having 6 months of it, to help you understand, challenge, and reprogram your thought patterns. Google: "clinical psychologists; Cognitive Behavioural Therapy; (your location)".

A previous post about stress follows, some of which I hope may help:

"A certain level of stress is unavoidable, in modern society, so it is a good idea to develop effective coping methods. Try placing your fingertips 2 cm, or 3/4 inch above both eyes, apply moderate pressure, and rub for a short time. Repeat as necessary. Also at work, you could use the aromatherapy vial, and/or EFT* shown. Use the Progressive Muscle Relaxation* in breaks, and relaxation techniques before, and after work / school. Light to moderate daily exercise combats stress. For some people, it helps to visualise a quiet, relaxing scene (imagine, as vividly as you can, that you are on a tropical beach, reclining comfortably; you luxuriate, as the the sun warms you, and a gentle breeze caresses your skin lightly, inhaling the tangy, sea scented, salt laden spray from the sparkling, translucent, aqua waves, crashing on the white, coral beach sand, and feeling the hot sand slip through your fingers in one hand, sipping your favorite drink with the other; all the while, the seagulls call, swoop and cavort playfully overhead in a cloudless, azure sky: you feel just like one of them, free to soar and cartwheel, or just glide in the heavy, humid air, and that this moment will last forever). Go to: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/meditation/MM00623 & http://www.healthjourneys.com/free_audio.asp & www.meditainment.com/stress-buster & http://www.freehypnosistreatment.com/meditationtreatment.html & http://www.meditainment.com/free-meditation-content & www.healthjourneys.com which are all free. Take 4 Omega 3 fish oil supplements, daily; (certified free of mercury) it is best if consumed with an antioxidant, such as an orange, or its FRESHLY SQUEEZED juice. If vitamin E is added, it should be certified as being 100% from natural sources, or it may be synthetic: avoid it.

See: Mercola.com SEARCHBAR: "krill oil". The supplement DHEA is thought to counter the stress hormone, Cortisol. Ginseng & Lady's Slipper are recommended herbal remedies. Progressive Muscle Relaxation * http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html can be learned quickly, and takes only several minutes Also: http://www.mindtools.com/smpage.html & http://relaxationemporium.com/ & http://tinyurl.com/29so4u & at www.lessons4living.com there is an audio demonstration. At Amazon.com there are: "sounds of the ocean", & "ambient rain sound", & "mountain river sounds" via the searchbar. You could repeat: "I feel calm" and/or "I can handle this.", or employ the EFT * version for use in public, for which you can reasonably claim that you have a headache, as you use the acupressure massage/tapping on your temples, but it may be advisable to restrict yourself to subvocalising (saying it to yourself, in your mind, not aloud). "Even though I sometimes suffer from stress, I deeply and completely accept myself". www.mercola.com searchbar: "EFT", & "EFT therapists" or www.tapping.com (13 free videos) - professional is best. Practise a daily relaxation method, such as http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody/a/Meditation.htm or www.wikihow.com/Meditate or Yoga Nidra, (a series of easy mental exercises only; no flexibility required) on page L at 8m.com, below, or Tai Chi, Qi Gong, or yoga. Options: A massage (at least neck and shoulders) with jasmine, lavender, juniper, and/or bergamot, or German chamomile essential oils added to the massage oil, and to a warm bath, preferably beforehand, to help make any tension knots and muscles more pliant (others may only want, say, a sandalwood & juniper, mix; check first).

Aromatherapy: http://www.aromaweb.com & http://www.aromatherapy.com/essentialoils & http://www.naturesgift.com/infomenu.htm & http://www.naturaltherapypages.com.au and/or long, stretching yoga exercises, or T'ai Chi. 85% of people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either seek professional hypnotherapy, or more alternatives along such lines are at http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/m.html To relieve stress, and tension, allow your head to drop down slowly as far as it will go, then very slowly rotate it, (without turning your face to the left, or right) keeping at maximum extension all the way. Then go back the opposite way; TAKE YOUR TIME! Repeat as necessary.

Strong heat, applied to essential oils can damage them, so don't use a diffuser. Also consider anise, basil, bay, eucalyptus, peppermint, rose, or thyme, putting some pieces of rock salt in a small vial, then add a few drops of the oil of your choice (the rock salt absorbs the oil and is less risky to carry around than a bottle of oil). opening the vial and breathing in the scent whenever you need a quick stress release."

[Anne1221]

You have a lot of the symptoms of depression. I think you would benefit greatly by seeing a professional and talking it out. Without my small dose of antidepressant, I feel a lot like you, but at least see a therapist.

[hat verloren]

Thank you both. Nowuccas, I appreciate everything you you put forth. I will definitely go through those websites and practice what is said. I've heard a lot about CBT and keep reading about it. Maybe I'llhave to give that a go and see if it helps. Thank you.
Anne1221, I do have depression as well. Most days it isnt present, at least not as bad. Once the anxiety started getting worse the depression got more noticeable. I've had many friends who were on anxiety med or antidepressants and all of them tell me I shouldn't take them. It changed some of them and not the way it should have. Plus, I dont like meds, anything natural I will try but I refuse to get a rx unless absolutely necessary. I'll have to go back to seeing a therapist. Thank you.

[kafox93]

You're not alone in how you feel. I have the same kind of days. Some days I can barely pull myself out of bed to go to work. My anxiety and depression have made me drop out of college for the time being because they have so much control over my concentration. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. We're all in this together.