I don't know why I feel like this.(if this sounds like a long rant/mess.I'm so sorry)

[ksormgh]

I think it was all triggered by a fight/arguement I had with a very close male friend of mine two months before.
Since then, we haven't spoken and before that we used to be inseparable. Both of us are at fault, but to keep matters simple-I have to come forward.
But it's that fear of making the first step, the fear of rejection, the fear of uncertainty that stops me from doing anything. I want our friendship to return back to the way it was. I feel like time isn't on my side because in a few months he will be graduating and moving back to his hometown.

The other debilitating part is that I have developed feelings for him, and whenever I have feelings for someone, I go from being my normal, functioning, relaxed self, to this shy, anxious, alert, overthinking mess...because I get very self conscious.

I've been overthinking everything-I've been losing sleep. I've been so afraid of asking him. Lately I've been texting him and he always manages to reply to me-even if his responses are fairly neutral. It was also his birthday the other day and I wished him happy birthday and he actually thanked me with my name..it was the first time he had called me by my name in a long time and it just.. it made me want to cry tears of joy.

I used to not be afraid of texting him, or contacting him, but now I am.. I don't want to be afraid anymore..I don't want to be so nervous and scared, I want to be able to talk to him without any sort of fear.. The other day, I had planned to ask to call him so I could tell him I wanted to meet to apologize, and when I managed to ask him 'hey, can I call you?" his response was simply "I'm sorry I can't" and I got so scared and anxious from that response, I didn't even try to ask why, or say 'ok, I'll try again later".....

Please..help me...I'm just so overwhelmed...

I also feel like I've lost enthusiasm for so many things I used to really enjoy.

[MiST]

Classic anxiety symptoms. Your reading way to much into things and making assumptions that in all likelihood aren't correct.

He might be busy at the moment and have a lot going on.

Most people can move on from an argument pretty quickly but with anxiety it's easy to fixate on negative experiences and become obsessed.

Try and realise that it's just your anxiety making you feel this way and it's no big deal.

[ksormgh]

It was a pretty bad situation and we both said some things that were said without thinking. The last things he said to me before I had to back away were how he didn't like my negative personality and that he was tired of it. It stung..so much.. but I had to back away.
For the most part I'm not a negative person, just very very emotionally vulnerable.

[Anne1221]

It sounds like you like this guy, so you should be willing to change. If he sees you as negative and he's tired of that, then wouldn't it be worth it to try to not be so negative? If it was me, I would apologize (someone has to get the ball rolling) and say you miss the friendship and want to try to not be so negative. If not, it sounds like the relationship may remain at a stalemate. Be the bigger person! And improve yourself in the meantime, and be grateful for such a good friend.

[MiST]

Hmm..need to toughen up a bit and try not to be so sensitive so much. People say things all the time without thinking, chances are he feels pretty bad for saying anything that might have upset you.

[ksormgh]

It sounds like you like this guy, so you should be willing to change. If he sees you as negative and he's tired of that, then wouldn't it be worth it to try to not be so negative? If it was me, I would apologize (someone has to get the ball rolling) and say you miss the friendship and want to try to not be so negative. If not, it sounds like the relationship may remain at a stalemate. Be the bigger person! And improve yourself in the meantime, and be grateful for such a good friend.

I do like him, I really do..but I'm wondering if thats something he's not ok with; since he's a close friend of mine, and he probably only thinks of me as a friend and nothing more (even though we have kissed before.. but thats a longer story)

The other factor that plays into this is that he's graduating at the end of the semester and he's also moving back to his hometown, so time really isn't on my side.
I guess he doesn't dislike me since he still follows me on social media. Today, I tried to get that ball rolling by asking him how he was doing and his reply was just a one word answer.. and it kind of scared me.. and made me think "ok..how can I advance this?" Ultimately, I want to ask him either

"I'm sorry it took me until now to say this, but I'd like to apologize to you but I'd rather do this in person, can we meet?" or "There's something that I need to tell you, but I need to tell you in person, can we meet?" and my biggest fear is that he'll say no to meeting, which is why I'm afraid of even asking. I get panicky and start breathing really fast. How can I just.. get over this fear? How can I be more confident? How can I sound more natural!? How can I be sure he won't say no?!

But the other thing is I know which coffee shop he frequents and I've been wondering..should I just.. 'run into him' ? (Not the best idea but...)

[MiST]

Maybe he has a girlfriend or is just entering into a new relationship and feels awkward talking to other girls.

[ksormgh]

Maybe he has a girlfriend or is just entering into a new relationship and feels awkward talking to other girls.

I don't think that would be the case, because he's been in a relationship before while friends with me..

[Anne1221]

Well, you've got to do something to break the stalemate. I like your first choice of the two choices you mentioned. Just gather up your nerve. No one can decline a sincere apology.

[ksormgh]

I know its the better choice, but I'm worried he'll get angry at me for me for apologising so late or be indifferent..
..but then again, if he's going to graduate and move away soon..why even hold on to any grudges? :(

[Sarbear]

You can do it!! :D If you don't, all you're ever going to think is what if I had done this or that. Even if he chooses not to accept the apology (which I think he wouldn't do if you say you guys were as close as you once were) at least YOU got closure knowing that YOU did the right thing. Maybe even after you apologize he'll still be a bit standoffish but I know when I'm mad at someone and they apologize it still takes a little bit more for me to come around because I don't want to just go from mad to best friends again (even if I REALLY do, I'm just stubborn hehe)

[ksormgh]

You can do it!! :D If you don't, all you're ever going to think is what if I had done this or that. Even if he chooses not to accept the apology (which I think he wouldn't do if you say you guys were as close as you once were) at least YOU got closure knowing that YOU did the right thing. Maybe even after you apologize he'll still be a bit standoffish but I know when I'm mad at someone and they apologize it still takes a little bit more for me to come around because I don't want to just go from mad to best friends again (even if I REALLY do, I'm just stubborn hehe)

Tonight, I messaged him asking if he had any time (which implies that I want to call him) and he replied that his parents were visiting his home at the moment so it wasn't really possible and he apologized. I told him, "don't worry, just message me again when you're available'

He hasn't read it yet..but.. he can't react bad to that..

[Sarbear]

Good for you! :) I really hope you guys can find some time to talk, it sounds like it would help ease your anxiety significantly. I hope he gets back to you so you guys can talk and work out your problems. And no, I don't think there's any reason for him to react badly to what you said. :)

[Anne1221]

I think you just answered your own question. "If he's going to graduate and move away soon..why even hold on to any grudges?"
I don't think ANYONE has ever been angry because someone apologized too late, and if he's indifferent, well, then you've done all you could and you don't have any regrets. Make things right with him if you can.

[ksormgh]

Ok, so I have a bit of an update..

So..

The other night, I was feeling extremely down and depressed. It had been pretty much three months since I'd seen him and I was just..feeling awful. Super sorry for myself, anxious, crying, everything. I had gotten a message from him that morning (after waiting the weekend for him to even read/reply to my message) saying "What did you want to ask?"..well... in the same sense, I left the message unread and didnt reply to him until late at night. I asked him "are you coming to school tomorrow?" and he said that he'd be going...then I took a deep breath/leap of faith and said

"I have class tomorrow, but if you can..could we meet maybe for just a little bit?"

...and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack..but I waited and waited.. then he responded

"Um..well, I have my seminar class presentation to give, and afterwards I might be going to eat with my class, so.. I guess we could meet after-if I can'

I messaged him something related to his class after that and fell asleep..as soon as I woke up (less than three hours later) he sent me a reply around the same time.. and I asked why he was awake so early.. (maybe to prepare for his presentation? who knows) and his reply was just "No reason really, is that a bad thing?" (being defensive? I don't know)

Anyway, I went to school super early, and went to class as normal..but I kept on messaging him normally, and he then said that he may not be able to meet me today, and I asked him "why?" and he said he didn't know his own schedule for the day.. I then told him I was pretty free with time, even though I had class until 5th period..
He said he'd probably already be back in his neighborhood by that time, and I said..well I can meet you there, or anywhere..I'm fine with anywhere.
He then said "If you come to meet me (by then) I won't have enough time." ....so I asked "are you busy today? :(" and he said "Yes, I can only give you 30 minutes or an hour"
(I don't know..thats where I got crazy anxious..maybe he was meeting a friend? or a date?...I don't know..but that uncertainty freaked me out)

So I just said "ok..should we do this a different day?" and he just sent me an emoji expressing his approval.. I thought that was weird because he never really used emoji with me in the past.. (even more anxiety)
I was an anxious mess in class.. and I had to take a bit of xanax to really calm down..

Then, after class.... I walked out, I had to use the bathroom. I saw a group of guys hanging around/sitting near the entrance.. including one guy sitting further away who was reading his notes/looking at his phone.. I thought "wow..he looks kind of like him" but didn't want to stand around and stare, so I went to the bathroom.. trying to calm down.. arrange my hair..check my face, etc etc..When I walked out and looked over, there were only two guys left. One guy I didn't know..and the other guy

-well..it was him..

The guy next to him was looking over at me, and I just immediately walked back in to the bathroom, and I had to take a deep breath..and quietly keep my cool..
Then I walked out, he was still reading his notes..I gathered up all my courage..

"_____?"

*looks up and sees me* "oh!!'

"Long time no see *trying to keep my cool, but my heart is beating fast*

"It's been a while.."

"Hows it going? the presentation preparation?"

"Oh..I'm working on it right now."

"Ah..I see, well..see you later!"

"See you later"

And I walked away.. Went down that escalator just thinking 'what the **** just happened.. Did I screw up.. That was a colossal step and a half for me.. What the.. Oh my god.. Oh my god..
It was a huge step for me.

I also realised I forgot to wish him luck, so a little while later I sent him a text saying good luck, which ..he later read but never replied to..

I wonder how he felt after seeing me all that time..
he had a pretty straight face, but then again..he's not someone who really expresses his emotions to a crazy extreme..


Today, I managed to have another text conversation with him, which wasn't for very long-but this time his replies were a little longer and alot less short compared to before..but we still haven't made any plans to meet..yet.. *fingers crossed it goes ok from here*

[ksormgh]

This is still really bothering me, I need that extra push of courage..and confidence..

I had a really lonely weekend where I broke down and cried so hard my makeup basically washed itself off..

[Sarbear]

Hi Ksormgh, I think you can and should do this. It is causing you so much stress and anxiety, I feel (although I could be wrong because I don't know you :) ) that if you just make yourself apologize and talk with him that you'll feel a million times better!! At this point I think the next time you see or talk to him (whether its via text or face to face) you should be straight up and just say something like, "I want to talk to you because I want to apologize for what happened and I want to work things out and see if we can be friends again.". What is your worst fear? What is the absolute worst thing that could happen after saying that? He could say, "Well I don't want to talk to you or be friends with you ever again." Would that be pretty awful? YES! But you would be okay! And besides, do you REALLY want to be friends with someone who can't forgive your mistakes? We all make them. I know that's not the ideal situation but you have to trust in yourself that you can do this no matter what the outcome is. If you do nothing you guys will just continue to drift further and further apart and eventually end up not friends anyways, so in my opinion it can only get better from here. If you guys were as close as you say you were I really think you can work things out and be friends again, but someone has to swallow their pride and be brave enough to make that happen. BE BRAVE, YOU CAN DO IT!!!! :) :) :)

[ksormgh]

Hi Ksormgh, I think you can and should do this. It is causing you so much stress and anxiety, I feel (although I could be wrong because I don't know you :) ) that if you just make yourself apologize and talk with him that you'll feel a million times better!! At this point I think the next time you see or talk to him (whether its via text or face to face) you should be straight up and just say something like, "I want to talk to you because I want to apologize for what happened and I want to work things out and see if we can be friends again.". What is your worst fear? What is the absolute worst thing that could happen after saying that? He could say, "Well I don't want to talk to you or be friends with you ever again." Would that be pretty awful? YES! But you would be okay! And besides, do you REALLY want to be friends with someone who can't forgive your mistakes? We all make them. I know that's not the ideal situation but you have to trust in yourself that you can do this no matter what the outcome is. If you do nothing you guys will just continue to drift further and further apart and eventually end up not friends anyways, so in my opinion it can only get better from here. If you guys were as close as you say you were I really think you can work things out and be friends again, but someone has to swallow their pride and be brave enough to make that happen. BE BRAVE, YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

Hello Barber, and thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
Last week, on Monday..I told myself I wanted to ask him to meet before the month was over. I swallowed up all my courage, sat in a cafe doing some homework but also trying to relax.. Then I finally sent the text that took me so long to gather up all my courage for..

"Hey _____,
I have something I need to tell you, but I'd much rather say it in person, can we please meet soon?"

and I had to wait a little while..but his response was "I'm just going back home".. so I told him "I didn't necessarily mean today' and he said he didn't have enough time this week, but I then told him straight up that I was busy too..but I only needed 5 minutes of his time, and he just said "ok, but can't you just tell me over here what you want to say?" (NO WAY am I going to take the cowards way out and apologize over text message)

I said "I can either take up 5 minutes of your time or we can do this next week." and he just said "ok" then I said "so which one?" and then he said he didn't know because he didn't know his schedule for the week, etc etc.. But again I told him "I could tell you over text, but I would personally feel so much better if I told you face to face.. so please, I don't mean to be a bother...I also have my own things to work on (for school) but this is just something I have to do as well."
He then said "ok, I got it, when I get back home, I'll tell you my schedule" and I sent him a voice message then saying "thank you, thank you so much..but once you know what time you're free, please let me know." He didn't end up replying to me...

...well, it turns out on the 2nd (until the 5th) he went on a trip with two friends..a boy and a girl...
.and I was really caught off guard.. Shouldn't he have told me? Will he ever reply? Is he avoiding me? :(
Should I trust him and wait for his reply? or should I push him?
P.S
I have to sort of commend myself for being a little more brave this time round, before I would have just run away with my tail between my legs.. but this was a huge improvement for me.