I feel dumb/unintelligent. Anyone help?

[sad2015]

Hi guys, I'm new here and sorry about the long post... in my 30's, I just don't understand myself and feel like an idiot. In my teens I was diagnosed with social phobia, but during college actually did have a group of friends I hung out with fairly often....

More often than not, I find the things people talk about I have barely anything to add on to because I know nothing about it...I try to learn but it either doesn't stick or I don't get what they're saying. I just feel like I'm lost in my own world and have a big knowledge gap for my age.

For example, yesterday I went to my sisters to help at their new place. First, my dad knew right away that because it was the old style of wallpaper compared to the new version you need to moisten it and scrape it. I didn't know that. He removed an electrical outlet no problem and knew why the fan may or might not have a live wire...i wouldn't have had a clue yet it seemed others there did (except me). Right at the beginning, my brother in laws mother says she's going to paint the trim. I had to Google it yet again others seemed to know... if I had been asked to do "paint the trim" I would have looked even more like an idiot because I wouldn't have known where to start. This BS frustrates me since it makes me feel like I don't have the mind of a 30 year old. ....i just notice this happens a lot in multiple different areas not just home improvement. I'm good with associations but that's never enough. Another example, I remember someone was talking about Sedans...i knew it had something to do with cars and then as usual pretended like I knew so I wouldn't feel stupid. I know its any 4 door car now but just seems kinda on the basic side. Even just to go car shopping I went with my dad.
Another example, 'crown mouldings' , I knew it had something to do with housing, but I didn't know what they were for or what they look like.

And, everyone knew how to paint no problem yet my dad had to show me the proper way to paint and I still wasn't confident when I was done.

Too damn often, people are saying things all the time I don't understand, jokes that don't make sense to me. it's like I'm slow. I feel always behind. Like yesterday my sister was talking about all these different wines and which ones are dry or not, and I was like 'ugh' I had nothing to add. Then she was talking about how vodka is made from wheat and how it's hard to find ones made from potatoes anymore. I didn't even know it was made from wheat to begin with. Then, they were talking about energy and turbines and solar power and the environment and natural gas and again I couldn't follow it. I might work for a bank, but even when people talk about the dollar in canada vs. the states and how it impacts this and that I'm still confused. I tried to read an article the other day about this and didn't learn anything cuz I couldn't follow it... yet I have a degree, in psychology of all things... euhm, ok???

And, to add icing on the cake - I also have this weird problem trying to follow movies. Some documentaries and some movies (like mrs. doubtfire) I'll get, but way more often than not I will walk away confused on the characters, the plot, whose who, why a particular situation happened, etc.

In short, I need to become a much smarter individual otherwise I fear I'll always be alone and single... but work and sleep take up so much time compared to all the time I wasted in my 20's... I'm starting to think I'll have to hire someone to try to educate me on all these random topics I can't say anything about... it feels like there's so many barriers.

[whiterose]

I would suggest finding some hobby or something that interest you then finding people who are interested in the same thing or subject too. Honestly I own a house and it took me a long time to figure everything out and what stuff was! Electrical? Have no clue. Would call my dad haha. Google and search engines are on your mobile/cell phone is great way to look up info spur of the moment (like when your in the middle of a conversation and they mention a subject you don't know about). Also have you considered that stress and possibly anxiety is effecting your long term memory? Less stressed and anxious you are...the better chance you have remembering stuff. Good luck.

[Anne1221]

Please don't give this another thought. You're plenty intelligent! You got a college degree (something many people can't do) and your post was coherent, flowed and made sense, you got your point across, and you didn't have any misspellings or grammatical errors. I was a manager of a bar for six years and I didn't know that about vodka. You don't know these things because these are areas of life you've never been involved in or don't have an interest in. Don't keep comparing yourself to your family. I can assure you that in other households people are talking about simple things like who is going to win a football game or what to eat for dinner. Pick an area of YOUR interest and remind yourself of how much you know about that. Also, be aware that no one is paying attention to what you do or do not know. That's your anxiety speaking to you. What they seem to enjoy is having someone listen to them. That's what I do. I listen and nod and pretend I understand and they seem to approve of that. I just wait until the topic of conversation comes around to one of my areas of interest.

[anpene]

Hey there. Realize that everyone lacks knowledge, and everyone makes mistakes. That's being human. If you don't know something, there's no need to cover it up - just state the fact. Really, try it a few times, experiment and see what the results will be. And also, it's not like you're a subhuman being - what are your areas of expertise, how many things are there which you know and others are completely unaware, almost ignorant towards?

[cloudy black]

hello sad2015 do you know what, i used to feel like that when i was your age and it used to really bother like i was being left behind. and i was stupid blah blah blah but now i see it as just information. its not even wisdom or knowledge. and any way this information is constantly changing as yes more information becomes available.

stop and get off this round about and start finding things that interest you and make you happy and yes even smile. and yes sometimes i feel the olde ghost of the past coming back to haunt me and i see it for what it is and realise, so what i didn't know how to do that. big deal and if someone takes it as a lack of capability do you know what i couldn't give a flying pigeon! what some people do with information is that they get to be an intellectual snob. i have a brother in law who does that and he does my head in! oh he's so intelligent he reads the Guardian newspaper and listens to radio 4 LOL!

just explore what things interest you for a while and stop making yourself have to like things. you are unique go out and celebrate that. oh and make mine a double!

[cloudy black]

is it just me or does the date confuse people 11-07-15 oh dear must be me dyslexia. i wish it was 07-11-15 now that makes perfect engalish sense!

[Fahrenheit]

I think what you feel is pretty normal, especially when you are young! I think that it help to first of all realize that everyone has varying degrees of knowledge about stuff, and other people might be hiding similar feelings as you have. Second, I also want to acknowledge that the perceived gap might be real, and that not being on the same page with people can be lonely. It is true that knowledge can be a form of social capital. But try to be compassionate with yourself, and take these moments as opportunities to listen and learn. Also, ask yourself why it bothers you? Do you value knowledge for its own sake, and want more? Do you connect your self worth to how much you know/don't know? Are you finding that people are judging you for it, or that it is somehow making it hard to connect to others? What is it you really want in those moments? Take the time to think about this, the answers might not be immediately obvious. Maybe journal about it. Be perfectly honest with yourself.

Also, try to figure out what your own interests are and build your knowledge around that. Be patient, it takes time to learn. Not knowing is okay. Admitting you don't know is also a skill a lot of people don't have. ;)

Oh shoot, there was something else I wanted to add, but it slipped my mind. I will let you know if I remember. Hope you are feeling better.

[Dahila]

Sad I have a friend he is in his late 40 and he had not known that you need to turn off the ignition when you fill up. He does not know, how often and when to change the oil. Simple answers most people know. He is the most intelligent person i know, Extremely creative and he is a director of developing websites for universities and government websites. It is nothing wrong no to know what is trim, Each of us have unique talents and we should focus on them. I have social phobia, and in group of people I pretend that I have fun, all the time being terrified of someone striking the conversation with me. I have many hobbies and I never feel lonely, well maybe sometimes, for a moment,then I pick up the book and read.
If you want to know how to do things just watch some videos on you tube, there is everything from fixing your fridge to build a computer. I think everyone here understand what you are going through


Also, try to figure out what your own interests are and build your knowledge around that. Be patient, it takes time to learn. Not knowing is okay. Admitting you don't know is also a skill a lot of people don't have.
^^ This!!!

[RoderickLariviere]

You are not dumb, every one is different and good at different things. No one is perfect, we are human and made many mistakes. Don't feel so bad about your mistakes, just accept it and enjoy your life.

[MiST]

Brain Fag!

Your mind is tired..

[Fahrenheit]

I just wanted to add a couple things.

The first is, being afraid of what you don't know can be a barrier to learning. The first two years I worked at a new job (also my first full-time gig after college) I felt clueless and behind all the time. The fact that bad anxiety was messing with my sleep and cognition wasn't helping. But I was really passive about learning more and putting myself out there, because I was scared. Eventually, I got the anxiety in check, and became more proactive. Now, at work, I STILL feel I have so much to learn, that there are some things I should 'know already' BUT I have a sort of confidence that is NOT based in thinking I know and can do everything as well as I would like, but that I can TRUST MYSELF to learn what I need to, and to improve steadily...and to deal effectively with the places where I fall short. When I talked to my mom about my fears, she told me (she is an educator, so she reads a lot of development/psyche stuff) that I was operating from a mindset where I defined myself by where I was and so assumed I could do no better, instead of a 'Growth Mindset' where you see your struggles/shortcomings as opportunities to grow (and you trust in your capacity to grow). That makes the difference between feeling stuck, stupid, and paralyzed and feel empowered, hopeful, and motivated.

Also, I wanted to pointed out that you DO know somethings very well, from the little I have seen from you. Your post shows a lot of self-reflection and self-understanding. That is THE MOST important form of knowledge. I say that as someone who tried to always be self-aware, and also as someone who had had to deal with people who exhibit very little self-awareness. Self-awareness is the most important tool for improvement, and for interpersonal relationships. Make sure to use that self-awareness to be kind to yourself and to help yourself, and not to beat yourself up unfairly!

Also, I want to reiterate that you should look at learning about your personal interests. If you don't know what they are yet, that is okay. The job I was talking about before was in an area I thought I was interested in, but after working for a while I questioned how genuine my interest was (because I was struggling with it), but I stuck with it and now I love it. So, keep in mind, just like your relationships with people, your relationships with your passions might be rocky - but that just means there is room to grow!

Best of luck!